Homeschool Daddy - Validation of a wife's feelings

Homeschool Daddy

Feb. 8, 2009

Validation of a wife's feelings

I've heard various times (such as from Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn's book For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women) that it's very helpful to a wife for the husband to validate her feelings. Like most guys, until recently I never really "got" this. But I think I do now, and I want to write this down, because I have a feeling that I will soon forget and go back to not truly understanding it.

Since Christmas, I've had a couple bouts of being in the dumps. Seems to be either mild burnout or mild depression. I am functional, but I sure don't feel like doing anything except pleasure reading and occasionally playing winter-time sports with my kids. Work has been difficult -- I get it done when faced with a deadline, but beyond that I am very prone to getting distracted by less-valuable "busy" work.

Anyway, if a friend of mine shared this problem with me, typically I would begin to explain the reality of the situation (it's common for a family man to occasionally experience this, especially around Christmas/New Year's) and offer suggestions for getting past it (such as improving sleep, nutrition, and simple disciplines like waking at the same time every day and having prayer/Bible time to connect with God). And as a guy, if a friend responded that way when I had a typical problem, typically it would be just what I needed ... a diagnosis, a validation that I'm normal, and assistance with putting together a roadmap to solve the problem.

But because my current problem has a big emotional element, I don't think that would help as much. This is because the way I feel actually gets in the way of putting any of the solutions in place, at least on a consistent basis. Guys usually don't like to take the time to focus on feelings -- just identify the problem, find a solution, and be a man and do it.

This time, I was greatly helped by the responses from my friend Marcel (who has counseling experience) as well as some responses to similar issues that I heard in a few broadcasts by Focus on the Family and by Gary and Barb Rosberg and in the book Practical Happiness: A Young Man's Guide to a Contented Life by Bob Schultz. These responses involved dealing with the fact that the feelings and emotions were in fact part of the very issue itself.

At the heart of it, it felt good to have someone not just validate that I'm normal, but that what I'm feeling is significant and is a reasonable reaction to whatever is causing it. And maybe to say that it's OK to let myself feel that way for a while, or maybe that I first need to look for a solution to the feeling and then look for a solution to the root situation. Somehow this gives me the perspective and confidence I need to fully think through the situation and implement a solution.

I hope I can keep this in mind in the future, when Erin shares problems with me. Like many women, she has the wonderful quality of being more emotionally sensitive. This serves her so well in her role as wife and mother and probably in other rolls too, but it can also make some types of problems more complex ... kind of like my burnout/depression not just being a matter of taking a break and then getting back to work. And while she's processing her feelings, my typical response would be to feel really smart as I identify the root problem and recommend a solution.

May God help me to remember what it feels like, to listen for the feelings behind what she's saying, and to validate her feelings and her ability to capably solve the problem (with or without my suggested solutions).

• Post A Comment! • Send to a Friend!

Comments

About Me

Journal of a father very interested in seeing his four children walk in truth. While my wonderful wife is our school's main teacher and curriculum planner, my role is critical as well ... so I'm always interested in learning and sharing with other homeschool parents. I own a small consulting firm (see www.blackwater-consulting.com) that I love because the work is interesting and I get to work from home.