May. 5, 2006
Those Darn Imposters
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Tuesday through Thursday I found myself faced with numerous deadlines and responsibilities combined with dear friends experiencing great difficulties. The children, of course, did not conform to "my knowledge" of what had to happen in order for all the needs to be met. I'm not the only one who knows this, surprise, surprise. I find that a well-stocked arts-and-crafts shelf and quantities of good books in every room make for an effortlessly (really!) rich and educational day. Then it's just a matter of my being available to listen to the children's discoveries, and to discuss the big ideas they are wrestling with. It is also vital to involve them in (even when inconvenient) whatever I am doing, whether it be housework, blog design, menu planning, gardening, or paying bills. If I shift into hyper-efficient no-nonsense work mode, everything begins to unravel. The joyful atmosphere I strive for (and believe it is my responsibility, as wife and mother, to maintain) quickly goes sour if I put more focus on getting things done than on doing things together. During seasons such as this, I crave time alone in my own home. Though rising before the children is my daily goal, sometimes I decide to stay up late after the house is quiet instead. The problem? I look for passive escape instead of active cuz I'm just too tired to do anything else. So last night, instead of crawling in bed at 10 and finishing the last two chapters of Sense and Sensibility, I watched ER. After ER ended I turned the computer back on and surfed for nothing for 40 minutes. THEN I went to bed and read the last two chapters, and finally fell asleep around 12:30. This morning at 7:20, the phone rang. A girlfriend suggested a terrific tea marketing idea, but it needed to be done, NOW. Did I say no? No, my defensives were down. I threw into gear. Put on Blue's Clues even though I'm trying to not put Pink Dancer in front of the TV in the morning, check. Allow oldest son to continue his Friday morning tradition of making c***** cake, check. Run around with no breakfast, an unloaded dishwasher, a cluttered counter sprinkled with batter drips and make gallons of sample tea, check. Print flyers on computer and angrily search for the Brewing Tips doc that is lost in cyber-space, check. Say yes to Pink Dancers desire for oatmeal since she's asked all week and I kept saying, "tomorrow", check. Leave all three children watching Finding Nemo (yes, the TV is STILL on) while I drive around the corner to deliver tea and flyers in my pajamas, check. Sit back and survey the unmade bed, undressed mother, uncleaned kitchen and another day filled with deadlines two hours later, check. I'm guessing I don't make a single sale based on this morning's choice. Is the answer more/better discipline? For years I believed it. But there's something about kicking against the goads for 20 odd years that makes me finally wake up bloodied and beaten and say, "Hmmm...I think there's another way to approach this". I must have margin. I cannot live day in and day out over-scheduled. I will rebel against it and choose late night cyber-surfing and sleeping in just to have unstructured time. As a mother of young, homeschooled children who never "leaves work", I must choose what I add to my days thoughtfully. I am amazed how many homeschooling mothers I meet who "do" so much. And when I start comparing, as I've said before, or worry I'm being judged, it all falls apart. |
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May. 5, 2006 - We ALL need margins
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Posted by DavisDawn