Becoming Wiser

Feb. 16, 2006 - Giddy with Adoration

When I first met my husband, I woke up every morning thinking about him, when and how I would spend time with him, all the wonderful things he had done for me and said to me the last time we were together. I smiled all the time. I was in love.

While it is perfectly normal for that initial giddiness to fade away, I believe that it could only benefit my marriage if I made more of an effort to notice the little things I love about him and make myself happy about it all.

I need to smile more. That's all there is to it. Imagine how he would feel if, when he got home, I smiled at him as though I was truly glad to see him. I walked up to him, wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a kiss. It sounds mushy and impractical, but that's what I would have done eight years ago! That's what made him tick back then, and I don't see why it wouldn't make him tick now.

Every man loves to be adored. They all have egos. What's wrong with feeding that ego, as his wife? Why SHOULDN'T I make him feel like God's gift to me? Why SHOULDN'T I act like I dream about him and can't wait till we can spend time together again?

When my husband comes home, he usually sees a tired mother, a half-hearted smile, a chef. I do ask him how his day went. I show interest, but it's nothing more than that. It's not JOY!

Every man on the face of this earth would rather come home to a woman who's been waiting for the moment he walks in the door with anticipation and greets him with glee. I want him to KNOW beyond a shadow of doubt that I DELIGHT in him. Yes, this will take an act of my will and it will not come naturally all the time. But it's better to fake it sometimes, in my opinion, to build him up, than to allow my emotions to control my actions and cause my husband to regret coming home.

Comments (6) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Feb. 4, 2006 - Seduce your husband

Without going into a big essay about my husband's and my philosophy about "keeping the spark alive," allow me to give you ladies an excellent and simple idea for "fanning the flame..."

On a night when your husband is out, or will be coming home late, either arrange for the kids to be gone at a friend's house, or have them in bed sleeping by the time he gets home.

At the front door, in a place where he will look upon first entering, place a large, visible note (I typed mine on the computer and printed it out on red paper) that reads the following: "Do you want to know what I want? (Follow the candles to find out.)"

Then have a trail of candles (I used tea lights) going from that spot to various places between the front door and your bedroom. (Obviously, all other lighting in your home will be turned off. At selected spots, have another note saying, "A little of this..." and "A little of that..." and "Some of this..."

Beside or on each note, place an object that you and/or your husband enjoy during your intimate times - massage oil, appropriate music, wine, chocolate, WHATEVER...

Be waiting for him in your room (in whatever attire - or nothing - you know he likes) with a note that says "And a lot of Me and You!" He'll LOVE it!

Nice touches might be to have scented oil burning or music already playing to set the mood.

Comments (3) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Jan. 30, 2006 - Women and Society

On Saturday night, we watched a movie that has literally consumed my thoughts ever since. Surprisingly, it is not the main character or the main plot that has stuck with me.

It was the movie "Cinderella Man." It is a true story about a boxer who struggled to support his family during the Great Depression. It is truly inspiring. But what really hit me was James Braddock's (the main character) wife, Mae.

She was EXACTLY what I picture when I think of a supportive wife.(I've blogged recently about my beef with wives who don't verbally support their husbands.) She enthusiastically greeted her husband each evening when he came home from work. She praised him, to his face, and she was truly proud of him - AND HE KNEW IT! I found her character to be so inspiring for me. It re-motivated me to be a better wife and to go out of my way to let my husband know how thankful I am that he's MY husband.

But that wasn't even the main thing I've been thinking about since seeing that movie. I've always had a thing for the eras between the late 20s to the 40s. I love the music. I love the clothing. I just really like that time period. (Obviously, it would have been awful to have to live through the war and the Great Depression, but that's beside the point in this conversation.) I have always been intrigued by the women of that era. They seemed to have it all together. They were experts at pinching pennies and managing the family finance. They were superwomen in the kitchen, making everything from scratch. They didn't drive, so their errands were all done on foot and that including any children dragging along. Theirs was a life of simpler things. They didn't have hours and hours of dusting and stuff to do because they didn't HAVE tons of STUFF. Their homes always looked tidy and cared for - not cluttered. And they were beautiful. I mean, truly beautiful.(Okay. I know this is just what I've seen in pictures and movies and it wasn't necessarily always that "perfect," but bear with me while I try to make my point.)

This is the thing I've always wondered. How come every single woman in every single picture from this era seems to look beautiful? I mean, obviously not every one of them looked like a model or anything, but there is a beauty there, nonetheless. It is a beauty that I cannot find today. After seeing "Cinderella Man," I pondered this for a LONG time. I think I've figured it out.

Women in those days knew their role. They knew their role in society, in their homes, in their marriages. There was no question of whether or not they were doing the right thing. They had been raised by mothers who had the exact same roles, so they really DID know what they were doing. There were raised to stay at home, cook, clean, have kids, and be wonderful wives. They were taught how to take care of themselves by dressing appropriately and fixing up their hair in a practical, yet feminine manner. They were taught that being a wife and a mother was not about THEM and THEIR wants. It was about loving your family. It was about serving and giving of yourself. They were taught about the importance of relationships and that we need each other. Neighbors were there for each other. Etc. Etc. Etc.

What is different about the women of today? First of all, many of us were NOT raised by stay-at-home moms. Many women of today do NOT know how to cook or clean or be a keeper of their home. Many women of today do NOT know how to be a loving mother. Many women of today just had rather unfortunate childhoods and have no way of knowing!

Then there's the big thing. This is my main conclusion. During WWII, many women were required to work for the war effort. After the war, many women felt compelled to continue working. Either they were newly widowed and had to support themselves and their children, or their husband was injured and couldn't work, or WHATEVER. Soon, the world was thrust into a different war. It was the battle to "keep up with the Joneses." Parents wanted more for their children. After all the suffering they'd endured, it was time for some pleasure again. Add to this the strain that the Depression had placed on marriages - not only the financial stress, there was the husband who felt like a failure and the wife who feared for her children's lives. There were the men who turned to drinking to deaden the pain. There were women who turned to other men who seemed better able to care for them. The list goes on. Society was falling apart.

I think that the biggest thing that happened here is that husbands and wives lost their roles. Some by choice, others by necessity. Some women lost their children and didn't know what to do with themselves anymore. Some women saw that, by working, they could help their husbands "bring home the bacon" and they liked having a sense of control.

I think that's it. During the Depression, they had no control. There was nothing they could do about it. So, when things started to get better, women CRAVED a sense of control again. As a result, many women stepped out of their God-given role as keeper of the home, etc.

Fast forward to today. Going back to the topic of beauty. Look at the women that are considered "gorgeous" in today's world. It is a superficial beauty. It is all about make-up and designer clothing, etc. They ARE beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as the women of the past. My point in all this is that, I believe the beauty in the women from the past came from the confidence and security they had in their roles. They were where they belonged and it felt good. They were sure of themselves. There was no such thing as the discontentment that comes from thinking they were missing out on something by staying home. They didn't dream about saving the world, etc. That was the man's job! They believed that they were doing the greatest thing a woman can do: caring for their family.

Before I go on, let me just say that I am in no way condemning any woman who works outside the home. I understand that we live in a different society. I understand that MANY women don't have an option. I love these women just as much as I love the ones who stay home. I am ALSO not saying that it is wrong to have big dreams and to have a passion for something outside of our family. Many women are CALLED by God to do things like this. What I AM talking about here is the women who ARE staying home and who feel they ARE called to stay there - if even just for now.

Why is it that so many men are no longer attracted to the stay-at-home type? Why is it that us homemakers are considered "frumpy." Why is the term "homely" used to describe a woman who is not adventurous and voluptuous and irresitible? Why are so many husbands leaving their wives for someone younger and taller and blonder?

I truly believe that a huge part of the problem is that so many stay-at-home mothers are insecure in their role, and also discontent. So many feel their not doing enough. They're not as good or as intelligent as the woman who works in the office building around the corner. They are insecure because they have not been raised how to do their job confidently. They honestly haven't the slightest idea what to do when their husband comes home from work, discouraged. They have no idea what to do when their children start to think for themselves. They have no idea what to do when they get a red wine stain on their brand new blouse. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN TAUGHT. It doesn't come naturally!

I have heard MANY men say that the one thing that makes a woman more attractive is her confidence. A woman who is confident in who she is WALKS different, carries herself differently, dresses differently, etc. She does NOT have to be seductive. She does not have to dress immodestly. A man finds that CONFIDENCE attractive because it means that she is secure enough to not be a clingy, needy partner. She will not expect more from him than he can give. To a man, an insecure woman is a woman who will want the man to fulfill her in ways he simply cannot. He's destined for failure.v
Are you getting the picture here? I am realizing more and more how important it is for us young, stay-at-home mothers to have mentors in our lives. We need reassurance that we ARE, in fact, fulfilling a God-given role. We ARE just as important at the office worker. We ARE beautiful. We need a mentor to help us with the practical things we were not taught in our younger years.

But we also need to learn to be CONTENT here. We need to learn to stop looking outside for fulfillment. We need to stop being so self-centered. Pouring ourselves out into our husbands and our children and the caring for our homes is THE ABSOLUTE MOST FULFILLING THING we will ever do. We will not ever be happier than when we are doing these things.

A little from my own experience: When I was first married, I (unintentionally, mind you) looked to my husband to fulfill me. I tried to keep the house spotless and cook great meals. (Notice I said TRIED to cook great meals!) I waited and waited for those times when he would compliment me on a job well done. Well....those times were RARE. Over the years I've learned a few things about this. One is that my husband grew up in a home where complimenting for things like this was just unheard of. You ate because you had to, you didn't eat because it tasted good. The other is that, this kind of mindset was making me more unattractive to my husband. The longer I waited for his words of affirmation, the more I began to doubt myself and the more I tried to prove myself and the more I failed until I became one miserable wife. I must have been VERY unattractive, don't you think?

Then I had children. Our first baby cried for 2 months straight. I was exhausted and felt like a failure as a mother. Both my husband and I were sleep-deprived. I had no one nearby who could help me and teach me and encourage me. I had no mentor. I was fumbling in the dark. Then we had the second child. This happened during a time when we were living in a town with a super-high unemployment rate, and yes, we were one of them family's who was unemployed. This was a horrible thing for our marriage. I worried about how we could buy milk for my babies and my husband worried about how he was failing. Eventually we moved. We began living with my parents for a few months. This was a good time for ME because I had my mom to help me up again. My husband got a good job and we were starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, *SHOCK* I found out I was pregnant with our third. I was SO worried. I didn't feel too great during my pregnancies so I worried about how I would take care of a baby and a toddler while I was pregnant. I worried about money. I worried, I worried, I worried. I felt out of control of my life. This began a journey of about a year and half of wallowing in self-pity. Now, you tell me how wonderful a mother can be if she's wallowing in self-pity! How attractive is a woman who is wallowing in self-pity?! As each day passed, I felt worse about myself. Then, of course, I had the weight-gain that comes with pregnancies. That mixed with self-pity usually doesn't spell easy weight-loss! So it's an endless cycle. Can you see it?

Fast forward to today. I have never been more content in my whole life. I finally came to terms with the fact that all I've ever wanted to do was be a stay-at-home mom. I was blessed to be raised in a home where I DID learn how to be a supportive wife. I DID learn how to take care of the house and cooking, etc. I say my mom doing her job and she was always so joyful and she seemed so BLESSED. That's what I wanted. I realized in the last year or so that I'd been FIGHTING this idea. I was so consumed with what I wanted to do. I wanted quiet time. I wanted to be able to read for hours without having to worry about other people's needs. I want, I want, I want. Then I learned that I wasn't getting the JOY I wanted because I wasn't doing what I was called to do and what I had WANTED in the first place! In the last several months, I have fallen into a comfortable groove of housekeeping and just focusing 100% on my family. I am REVELLING in teaching my girls. I am loving the satisfaction I have at the end of the day in knowing that I have done all I can do to make my home a haven for my husband and to train my children up in the way they should go.

Some days are better than others, naturally, but I really, truly am so satisfied! My home looks great. My family has never been more at peace. Problems get dealt with as soon as they arise because I am alert, focused, ready for them and willing to do something about them. I am available. I no longer have to FIGHT to have my wants. At the end of the day, all my work is done and I don't feel guilty about taking half and hour to have a bath and read.

For the first time in my life, I actually DESIRE to get up at 5:30 to spend time in silence with God, or just journalling or whatever. It was always a fight before because I was so focused on me, me, me. I've learning how this sacrifice of an hour and a half of sleep actually SERVES me! I love it! It is like fuel on a fire! I have time to get my make-up on and my hair done and I feel more beautiful.

I am finally feeling confident in myself. I know that I couldn't be doing anything more effective in raising great children. I know that I couldn't be more available for my husband. I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be, so I feel good about myself and I am more attractive to my husband.

I'm losing my train of thought. I hadn't intended on making this so long and I'm afraid I've rambled. But maybe I've given at least some of you some encouragement or something to think about. I hope I haven't DISCOURAGED those of you who are unable to stay at home. My intention was not to write a big article about the virtues of stay-at-home moms. Read this again and try to hear my heart. I want to encourage ALL women to become confident in WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST. If we stop focusing on ourselves and focus instead on our relationship with Christ and walking in obedience to HIM, looking to HIM to fulfill our needs, instead of our husbands...it is THEN that we will be attractive women.

Comments (1) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Jan. 23, 2006 - Spousal Spew

There are few things that anger me more than hearing wives speak negatively about their husbands. In fact, it doesn't even have to be outright NEGATIVE, just a condescending or demeaning TONE in their voices is enough to get my blood pressure rising.

Very early in our marriage, I learned the importance of encouraging my husband. I learned how vital it is in my role as a wife to lift up my husband and to be the last one to stand by him, if need be.

Many of us are striving to be Proverbs 31 women. While we understand that's a high ideal, I believe that there is a part of that chapter that we overlook. In my opinion, it's one of THE most important things we can do for our husbands.

If you look at verse 23, it tells us that "her husband is known at the city gates, where he sits among the elders of the land." WHY is this sentence placed in the middle of a list of attributes of a godly woman? What does this have to do with being a good wife? This is about the HUSBAND, isn't it?

I will admit, I am NOT a Bible scholar and I can't really remember everything I've learned about this particular verse, but I DO know this: That sentence is there because it IS about a godly woman. That husband is known in the city gates and sits with the elders BECAUSE OF THE WIFE.

How can this be the case? How has the wife caused this to happen? Any man involved in leadership, who is doing a great job as a leader and who has a sterling reputation, is a man with a great self-confidence. He is a man who knows his place. He knows his role as an authority, as a head. He is calm, cool and collected.

Do you know a man who could be like this with a nagging, complaining wife? I certainly don't. Also, can a man have a wonderful reputation if the wife continually complains about him to her friends? I think not.

Women, I cannot stress this enough. If you long for your husband to become the spiritual head of your home, if you long for him to be a godly father and a loving spouse, if you long for him to be looked up to and highly respected in his workplace and areas of influence and ministry, THEN KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT! I mean this. It may sound harsh, but I've HAD it with hearing women rant and rave about all the things their husbands are doing wrong and all the areas of weakness their husbands need to work on! Seriously, if he's that bad, why did you marry him?

It is time for us wives to take a step back and allow our husbands to rise up into their rightful role as head of the home. How can we ever expect them to do that if we are so sure that we are more spiritual, that we are hearing God more clearly, that we are so much better at disciplining our children, that we are so superior at keeping our family life in order? Unless we can give up control and SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE our husbands as they take their place of authority, our dream will never come to be. Can you see this?

There are women who, in an effort to be a godly wife, pray continually for their husbands, asking God to speak to their husbands and to guide them and guard them and to mold them into loving fathers and tender spouses, etc. This is good. BUT, many of these same women DO NOT TRUST THAT THEIR PRAYERS ARE BEING ANSWERED because they are not giving up control and not trusting that GOD will do what He's promised to do.

Women, our husbands WILL NEVER lead in the way WE lead. They will NEVER treat the children the same way we treat them. They will NEVER create a home environment that is identical to the one WE create. They are men. They are not US. It is SO important for us to realize that this does not make them "in the wrong." This does not mean that they are not hearing from God. This does not mean that they are not good husbands and fathers. Granted, there ARE times when our husbands make bad decisions or do things that are NOT godly, but SO DO WE!!!!!! We MUST allow them to make mistakes and we MUST support them and encourage them to get up and try again. We MUST stop complaining. We MUST stop preaching at them. We MUST stop nagging. We MUST GIVE UP CONTROL!!!!!!

I used to think I was being a godly supportive wife. My husband has been trying to acheive his dream of being a full-time musician since he was 11 years old. I fully support this dream. HOWEVER, in HIS mind, I was not being supportive. I would support him by my words. "Yes, dear. I am SO glad you have another concert booked this month." But my actions were contradicting my words. I would try to convince him that his family needed to be his number one priority by making a schedule for him. "You can go to the recording studio on these days, but these days you must stay home. You are free to rehearse during these times of the day, but during these times I need you to help with the children." It angered him. He felt trapped. He felt like he was failing as a father and a husband. My words meant NOTHING to him.

We were literally on the brink of divorce when God spoke to me very clearly. I knew I had to give up control and trust GOD to change my husband's heart. I apologized to my husband and told him I had realized the error of my ways. I completely gave up control. You know what happened? It took a lot longer than I would have liked, but my husband now DESIRES to be home in the evening. He DESIRES to spend time with me and the children. He VOLUNTARILY helps around the house. The list goes on. I feel like I'm living a dream. It did NOT happen the way I "thought" I wanted it to. But it turned out far better than I imagined it ever could.

I've also learned that, when I ask my husband for his input on issues like disciplining the children, he comes up with surprisingly wise solutions that I never would have dreamed up on my own, and he would never have volunteered his advice because he thinks I've got it all under control!

When I step back and allow him to step forward, we begin to work more as a team. Isn't this what we want?

I'm telling you wives, this is NOT easy. It was a long, hard lesson for me to learn, but it has been SO worth it.

I would encourage you to read Stormie OMartian's "The Power of a Praying Wife." And I would also encourage you to take up the 30-Day Challenge issued by Nancy Leigh Demoss. You can find that at http://www.reviveourhearts.com/downloads/. It is the fourth one from the top.

Also, try the chart found at http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/KateM/64331/. Print out two copies and go over it with your husband. Show him that you respect him as the head of your home and that you desire to please HIM.

You know what? I think we would be surprised at all the things we say that affect our husbands, even if they're not there. When you meet with your friends or Bible study group, do you ask them to pray for your husband? If so, how do you present your request? Do you give the impression that your husband is weak? Do you give the impression that your husband is missing the mark in some way? Or do you give the impression that your husband is a man of integrity and that he is seeking God's will and that he would really appreciate it if all these women would support him through prayer as he searches for God's truth? In fact, it would probably be wise for us, as submitted wives, to not even mention our husbands at these gatherings without our husbands' consent. If there is something so huge and overwhelming about our husbands that we feel we need prayer support for, than we should ask for prayer for OURSELVES. Ask your friends to pray for YOU to hear God's voice, for YOU to take your rightful position in the home, as your husband's helpmate. Ask for prayer for YOU to see God's hand in your situation and to relinquish control to your heavenly Father. There is NO REASON for your friends to know your husbands' weaknesses.

Not only does this type of discipline protect your husband's reputation and self-confidence, it also guards YOUR heart from becoming bitter and resentful toward him. The Bible says that "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."

What's in our hearts? I pray that my heart is filled only with more and more LOVE. Let my words reflect that!

This is a long and intense rant, but it is heavy on my heart. If anyone was encouraged by this, I would LOVE to hear about it.

Comments (2) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link

Nov. 28, 2005 - I Love My Husband

More and more I'm realizing how much I love my husband. And one of the greatest, most important things I love about him is his willingness to change. I've thought about this so much. Looking back over the last seven years, if it were not for his willingness to change and admit when he's wrong, I honestly don't know if we'd still be together. Now, I hope that doesn't sound like it's always his fault when things are tough, because it's totally NOT. It's just that, I think I'd go insane if he was doing something that was hurting our marriage, and he knew it, but was too prideful to admit it or too stubborn to do anything about it. Praise God, he's not like that!! I think it's safe to say that, if I were to give advice to someone on the lookout for a future spouse, this quality would have to be in the top three on the list of "must-have character traits." Definitely. While we're talking about how wonderful my husband is, why don't I tell you what else I love about him? This is not an exhaustive list, by any means. It's just what comes to mind at the moment. 1) He's creative. 2) He's real and unwilling to be someone he's not. 3) He's strong - both physically and emotionally. 4) He's intelligent and therefore, interesting to talk to. 5) He takes his job as our provider seriously and does it well. 6) He's a fast and hard worker. 7) He's a quick learner. 8) He's hilarious - witty, funny, great sense of humor and just down-right entertaining. 9) He still surprises me. 10) I never get tired of getting to know him. There's so much to learn. 11) He's a wonderful musician. 12) He cares about what's important to me. 13) He doesn't give up easily. 14) He thinks about ways to show me he loves me. 15) He listens to me. 16) He respects me and doesn't demand things of me. 17) He appreciates me and lets me know. 18) He's gentle. 19) He's good-looking! (I especially like his muscular arms. So manly!) 20) That's another one. He's manly. He's a real man. He's not a pushover or a wimp. (Read Wild at Heart and you'll know what I mean about this one.) 21) He helps me around the house if he knows I need it. 22) He doesn't complain about his "job" and what it entails (as a husband and father). 23) He has fun with the kids. 24) He cares about the health of our family and takes an active role in making sure we stay healthy. 25) He's supportive of me in all my endeavors. 26) He often has really neat romantic ideas for date nights at home. 27) He's not afraid to be romantic even if it takes a lot of work for him. (He makes me feel like I'm worth it!) 28) Okay...the list could go on, and that's what I love about him. It's so hard NOT to love him! I don't want to bore all of you and I don't want to make anyone jealous!!!! So I'll stop. But I hope you get the point. I LOVE MY HUSBAND!

Comments (0) :: Post A Comment! :: Permanent Link