Becoming Wiser

Feb. 3, 2006 - Restaurants

Generally, our children are really good in public. They are well-behaved and thoroughly enjoy going shopping or out to eat. However, the odd time, we have an "off" day. Such was our last trip to Tim Horton's on Thursday morning. I was embarrassed by their behavior.

Here's what I did about it! We had restaurant practice at home. First, I went over the rules with them. Then I told them to pretend that our dining room was a restaurant - it is no longer home. They were up to the challenge.

I placed cloth napkins, spoons, forks and knives at their places. Then I made them sit there, properly, while they waited for their meals to arrive. I served them finger foods to challenge them to leave the cutlery alone! They did great! Then, once they were done eating, they had to sit there silently while Daddy and I visited. After Daddy went back to work, we STILL sat there. I wanted them to realize that most of our restaurant visits are with other adults and they will require patience on the part of the children. They did really, really well.

We are going on a mini-vacation at the end of March. I want to practice things like this several times before we go to remind them how to act. I do not want a nice restaurant meal ruined by a lack of self-control on their part. They seem excited about the next practice!

Unfortunately, I have no proof that this method is effective, but I thought I'd share it anyway. Maybe it will work for someone else.

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Jan. 25, 2006 - A Victory!

For those of you who keep up with me on this blog, I haven't written anything in a while, so I thought you might be interested in my latest victory.

Alexander has always been the most content child. He plays for hours on his own, as happy as can be. He's a great joker, he's cuddly, he's just good. Well, in recent months, his strong will has reared its sometimes-ugly head. I have realized how much I have babied him and how I have allowed him to develop habits I'd rather he not have.

My husband and I had a discussion this weekend about some of the things that were bothering us in this area and we agreed upon our method of "fixing" our mistakes.

Alexander has begun to rebel. After ANY command he is given, after being told "no", when he is required to share, basically whenever things are not on HIS TERMS, going HIS way, he displays an ugly attitude - whining, crying, throwing a fit. (His fits are minor compared to most children, but it's the attitude behind them that bothers me.)

Anyway, yesterday, The Attitude began to show its face. I placed Alexander in the corner and told him he would not be allowed to come out until he decided he would obey me cheerfully. (More on this later.) He stayed there. I periodically asked him if he was ready to obey. The answer was always an adamant NO. I finally realized that I might be faced with the possiblity of him falling asleep there! He told me several times, "I do NOT want to be happy. I want to be CRANKY." And he also told me that he WAS NOT going to obey me.

I was shocked by how defiant he was being. It had never been this bad before. I was SO tempted to back down, but I knew I couldn't. I was getting so frustrated.

To make a long story short, that little guy stood in the corner for FOUR HOURS! He missed lunch AND his nap.

After four hours, he finally turned around and calmly said, "I'm happy now, Mom." I asked him if he was ready to obey. With much restraint, he said yes. He was on the verge of tears. The poor little guy was so hungry and tired. But then.........this made it all worth it.............

He said, "Mommy, can we sing 'Jesus Loves Me?'" (I have sung this to him every night since he was born.) Choking back tears I said, "SURE!" So we sang together, and I am telling you, Heaven's choir could not have matched the beauty of that tune. Alexander sang with such clarity, ON TUNE. It was amazing. He had a HUGE grin on his face the whole time. I could just see the softening of his heart all over him. It was very difficult for me to keep singing with out breaking down in sobs. It was a very emotionally charged moment for me.

After singing, he leaned forward and gave me the sweetest, squishiest hug. The rest of the day he was SO GOOD.

That was a good learning experience for me. Throughout the "corner time" my emotions fluctuated from calm resolve to angry frustration to exhaustion to doubt and all those feelings all over again. But I prayed through it all, kept my heart soft, examined my intentions, and prayed some more. The whole time, I KNEW that I was not really angry at my son. I love him and I KNEW he had to deal with this heart issue. I KNEW I couldn't back down FOR HIS OWN GOOD. I also knew that my heart was transparent before God and that I was MORE than willing to change my tactics if He told me to. I was LISTENING for His Word. It was such a peaceful day, in spite of this whole ordeal.

Thank You, Father, for you grace and wisdom, and for these three precious gifts you've given me!

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Jan. 15, 2006 - Brilliant Teaching Moments!

Yesterday, I had two God-inspired parenting moments, I think.

The first was with Alexander. He's almost three, and we've had a problem with him in the last year with CRANKINESS. He CHOOSES to be cranky in order to have control. We've made mistakes in dealing with this, as most parents do. We tried giving him space and time to change his attitude. We tried punishment. We tried ALL SORTS of things. Sometimes, we'd kinda succeed. Other times, it was complete failure.

Well, yesterday afternoon, once again, he decided he wanted to be cranky again. (I should also explain that he chooses to be cranky EVERY TIME he is told to do something or NOT do something by someone in authority. Such was the case yesterday afternoon.) I decided NO MORE. I was CALM through this whole scenario. I told him that he was going to have to choose to be happy and obey with a cheerful heart, or he would have to stand in the corner.

I sat near his corner and just waited patiently. After a few minutes of crying and whining, I told him firmly to STOP. I told him he needed to control himself. He knew, at this point, that *I* was the boss, not him. So he DID control himself. We repeated this several times. I kept reminding him, as soon as he was ready to show me he was happy by putting a smile on his face and obeying me, THEN he could come out. A few times, he told me he was happy now.

Here's the brilliant part. This little guy loves having me sing to him, and often he sings with me. So, when he told me he was happy, he did NOT sound OR look happy. He wouldn't look me in the eye. He wouldn't smile. SO, I started to SING "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!" He refused. I told him, he obviously was NOT happy and was definitely NOT willing to obey me, so he had to go back into the corner. He hated this. But it only took about 20 minutes and he only had to go back in the corner 3 times or so. This is a HUGE improvement from the other times I decided to really deal with this problem.

Anyway, he FINALLY joined me by clapping his hands. Then I added verses and I was really cheerful and smiley and having fun. It was obviously a real challenge for him at first, but he was making a true effort to change his attitude. By the end of the song (I was singing, "If you're happy and you know it, hug your mom!") he was genuinely smiling. He was WONDERFUL for the rest of the day. He was even exceptionally polite. It was actually a FUN way of disciplining him in self-control.

What I liked about this was that it enabled me to really see what was truly in his HEART. Previously, if I'd make him stand in the corner, he'd come out and say, "I happy, Mom." So, I'd let him go. But two seconds later, he'd be right back, doing his old cranky routine. This time, I could actually TELL when his HEART was soft and I could stick to my guns until that happened.

The next inspired moment was with my second child, Maya. She's just four years old. She's had trouble lately with being a bit of a bully to her siblings. I am TIRED of it! She is a real hands-on girl. (Read my post about her being right-brained.) I always have a hard time connecting with her, even for simple things like "Go get dressed."

So this time, she was intentionally bugging Alexander. After a few minutes in the corner to get her focused and for me to get my thoughts and plan organized, I told her to get two pieces of paper and her crayons and to sit at her spot at the table. Then I had her draw a picture on one paper of her being kind to Alexander and on the other paper, her being kind to Gabrielle. She really got into it. Then I made her turn one paper over and draw all three of them playing together nicely.

Now, I haven't seen the results of this one yet, but I could tell that she was THINKING about it. That's what I want. I know with her it will take more time for it to sink in, but I am quite confident that this method will be a good one for her.

Whether these ideas would work for anyone else or not, I don't know. But I DO know that I found them VERY encouraging.

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Jan. 13, 2006 - Whispers Only

This week has been a really bad week in the area of sibling rivalry. Constant bickering. The volume level around here has just gone way beyond my personal acceptable level. Last night, I had HAD it!

So, this morning I implemented WHISPER DAY! Only whispering was allowed. I was VERY pleasantly surprised. The children were EXTREMELY compliant with this and our day was SO quiet and relaxed! The girls played together VERY nicely during Alexaner's nap. It was a very pleasant day. I'd like to continue it tomorrow....hmmm.....wonder how my husband would feel about that. HaHa!

I will definitely be keeping this method in mind for future use.

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Jan. 13, 2006 - Scripture with correction

I've been wondering about this for some time now....
I want my children to grow up with the knowledge of God's Word and to know right and wrong according to what Scripture says - not just what *I* say or someone else says. I want them to know WHY I'm teaching them to obey, to be honest, to be kind, etc.
Naturally, this would be done most simply by teaching them the actual Scriptures relating to the issue at hand. Scripture memorization could be beneficial. However, I have struggled with the idea of "cramming Scripture down their throats", so to speak.
A friend of mine makes her son "write lines" of Scripture pertaining to his wrongdoings. While this would definitely help him to remember that verse, it's a little....I'm not sure how to put it. It's kinda beside the point for me.
I want them to have God's Word in their HEARTS and to WANT to do right because they love God, not because I've forced them to memorize a verse and put them on a guilt trip. Does this make sense?
There are few awful memories from my childhood,if any that could really be considered AWFUL, but interestingly enough, the ones I hate the most are the ones where my dad "preached" at me. He would start quoting Scripture to me. The trouble is, I KNEW those verses. It was my HEART that was the problem. Him quoting the Bible did more harm than good at those times because he made me feel like a hypocrite instead of coming alongside me and helping me to work on my heart. (Just for the record, I have no hard feelings toward him regarding this. I completely understand why he did what he did and it wasn't until THIS WEEK that I realized this. And, he was RIGHT in all he said, and it was said in love, but I discovered, upon looking back that it didn't CHANGE me, you know?)
For example, when I was a teen, I wanted to go to a boy/girl "sleepover". We had NO intentions of sleeping. We had games planned, etc. And it was basically my youth group. The difference was, this was not an adult-initiated event and our youth pastors were not invited! We had no desire to do anything "wrong." Well, asking permission to attend this event turned out to be a lot more than I had bargained for. Dad started quoting Scriptures like "Avoid the appearance of evil." Now, while he was justified in his words, they didn't change my desire to go to this all-nighter. As a parent, now I realize that it was a HEART issue. It is sad that my heart was so set on my own desires instead of honoring my parents and GOD! THAT was the problem. The state of my heart. The issue was not really this sleepover, the issue was my own pride and selfishness.
Now, I have NO IDEA how to do this. I don't know how to accomplish this goal or vision I have in mind.
Is the best way just to be sure they are exposed to God's Word often and in great quantities? What about specific needs? If they have trouble with lying, should I wait till a less TENSE or IN-YOUR-FACE moment to haul out the Bible? How can I make the Scripture most effective for teaching these things?
Here's a situation that started me thinking. I've taught my girls the verse that says "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's a good verse. It's important. However, they use it to manipulate. One will want the other to do something and they will say "Do to others what you want them to do to you" in a snarky tone of voice. This makes me cringe. Have I taught them that verse to manipulate them into being kind instead of training their hearts to respect others? Have I forgotten to teach them humility?
I should also clarify that I do understand that sometimes children need to be "forced" or "required" to do some things they don't want to do, and eventually, their hearts will follow. I guess I just am very afraid of getting the right ACTIONS to come out, but the motive would be wrong (obligation, guilt - which is NOT from God, etc.) The learning never ends around here!

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