This is a long read, it is a subject my wonderful A and I have been working on for a number of years. 

 Arranged Marriages

In the last 150 to 200 years or so, parents have taken a ‘hands off’ approach to child rearing.  They started letting go of the God-given authority entrusted them and instead embraced a culture of ‘rights’ and ‘tolerance’ and ‘academic education’ to mention a few.  It manifested in putting children in schools under the guise of “everyone is entitled” and “I am not qualified, I am only a parent”.  The principle of a system that teaches that experts know what is best for a child trickles down into every aspect of life.  If parents don’t know how to educate their children it would follow naturally that they don’t know which spouse would be best for their child.  It has now become the child’s decision to find and know who to marry and hopefully they haven’t made a mistake.  The moral foundation has completely shifted.  The home is no longer the place where morals are taught and the era where Biblical convictions get passed down from generation to generation is all but lost.  Being of the world and not just in it has permeated every facet of existence.  The meaning of covenant and marriage is nearly forgotten because somewhere along the line, Biblical truths faded into the background.

Other than the decision to follow Christ, there is probably no more weighty, important or significant matter that my children will be facing than whether to marry, whom to marry, and when.  As a parent ANY responsibility I have whatsoever in guiding and caring for my children is of vital importance.  The area of who my children marry is the ONE place that I most definitely SHOULD be involved in.  God is VERY specific about His Covenants.  The Covenant of marriage is a physical manifestation of a spiritual concept.  Parents being directly involved in raising their children for the institution of marriage is paramount to furthering the Gospel.  Surely something of that much importance would not be neglected in the Scriptures?  Why would God be silent about it?  Is He really silent or is it that we don't take the context of culture and language into consideration?  Are we reading the Bible in certain ways so that we don’t have to challenge our already established mindset?

Does the Bible say, "Raise your child up in all the right ways but when it comes to the area of how to go about finding a spouse leave them to blunder and make mistakes and have regrets because God is sovereign in all areas but in this He forgot to make it clear".  I don't think so.   

There are so many references to marriage in the Word and also references to choosing spouses for our children to marry. God is not silent about it.  An important consideration though is context.  Knowing the culture, customs and the language of the Bible is KEY to see what isn't blatantly obvious to a Westernised mindset. 

Of course I hope you will bear in mind that Biblically speaking 'arranged marriage' was the culture of the day (and is still practiced in the same way not only in this culture that I live in, but in others too).  Because this was the case, I think that it did not have to be obviously stated in the Bible.  The pattern of giving in marriage (pre-arranged marriages) is quite evident.  So many of the little details of life in those times is not mentioned (like what ovens they used and where did they go to the toilet for example) but archaeologists and historians have been able to shed some light on some of these subjects.  There are also written records of how things worked; traditions and customs that are so weird sounding to us now yet 4000 years ago it was the norm........  I prefer not to go to extra-Biblical sources but in this regard the Bible does not contradict the findings of scholars. 

Marriages did not just 'happen' by coincidence or providence or chance.  There was a very set pattern and structure just as there was for every other aspect of life and there was spouse choosing (by the parents) and planning involved.....  

Here are a few examples:

Sometimes, the groom had no choice: 

Eve was given to Adam by God.

Bethuel gave Rebecca to Isaac.

Laban gave Leah and Rachel to Jacob

Jethro gave Zipporah to Moses

Caleb gave Achsah to Othniel.

Sometimes the groom-to-be was involved with the bride selection (Jacob, Moses, Othniel, Boaz), and sometimes he wasn't (Adam and Isaac - Jacob also got more than he bargained for even when he did try to choose the 'love of his life'). But the consistent pattern was that the bride was "given" in marriage, in other words, the conclusive decision on the woman's side came from the male authorities in her life, not from her.  Please note that I am not talking about FORCED marriages here.  The woman always had the right to decline a marriage proposal.  The only choice she had once she was betrothed was if she was going to be faithful to her husband (whoever he may be, whether she knew him before the wedding or not) or not.  In the area of Isaac and Rebecca, neither of them knew about the other until the day they met and Isaac grew to love her - the Bible says.  Compatibility, Romance, hormones, dating, being 'in love' was never an issue....  I digress......

The examples of the marriage process were used by Jesus and very well understood by the local people....  Look at this parable for example:

Matthew: 25:

1: Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. 2: And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. 3: They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: 4: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. 5: While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. 6: And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. 7: Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. 8: And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. 9: But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. 10: And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. 11: Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. 12: But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. 13: Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

Apart from the whole spiritual context of being faithful and waiting for the return of our Saviour, the principle was based on an age old custom that was very familiar to the people.  Jesus coming, choosing His Bride, leaving to prepare a place in His father's house, coming back whenever the time was right was based on the 'arranged marriage' system of the day.  There are numerous references in scripture about 'Giving in marriage' for example Matthew 24:38.

This is how the giving in marriage (Ekgamizo*) process worked:

 The Biblical times marriages took place in three stages over an extended period of time.

• When the couple was still very young, an engagement was arranged by the parents, sometimes with the help of a "matchmaker".  The couple could be mere children at the time of the engagement, and they may never have seen each other.  The other option was that when the child felt that they were ready, they told their parents so that the parents could start looking for someone suitable.  In Judaism, what has evolved to be the Bar and Bat Mitzvah used to be the 'announcing of readiness for betrothal' so that parents knew which maiden was of child bearing age and which young man was trained in the ways of the Torah and in being a husband and father.  Now it is something quite different and the age is younger.  There is no way nowadays that 12 year old girls and 13 year old boys are ready, especially if they have no grounding in the Word or in a trade as they were in those times. 
• Second, there was a Betrothal ceremony held at the bride's house.  It involved the fathers of the groom and the bride.  It involved an agreement on the Bridal price.  The groom had to pay because a daughter was so important to the functioning of the family ..... The couple exchanged vows and the groom gave the bride gifts.  The betrothal happened when the couple approached a marriageable age. It was sometimes carried out with feasting and ceremony almost as elaborate as the wedding itself, kind of like our engagement parties of today.  A Betrothal was binding and usually took legal action to break it - i.e. divorce.  If the man died, the young woman was technically his widow.  If she was seen with another man, it was classed as unfaithfulness and the groom could divorce her.  The betrothal period generally lasted for a year or two while the groom built a room on to his father's house, and the bride continued to live with her parents during this time, continuing in the process of being raised in the ways of the Lord and training to be a good wife and mother.  During this time the bride was said to be "betrothed" or "espoused" to the man.  Mary was betrothed to Joseph....  That is why he could (by law) divorce her because for all intents and purposes she appeared to have been unfaithful to him - they were not yet married ....  {The topic of divorce because of marital unfaithfulness applies to this betrothal time only, there are 2 Greek words Porneia and Morkeia that differentiate between the two, not a topic for this conversation but suffice to say that once a covenant was sealed, it could only be broken by death which is why remarriage is forbidden.}
• The Marriage Supper came next. It usually happened at night.  It happened when the place that the groom had prepared for his new bride was ready.  Preparing a place kind of denotes that he had also spent some time maturing, learning how to provide for his future bride and children and he was now ready to take on the awesome role of husband.  The groom and his friends came to the bride's house to fetch her. She would be wearing a thick veil. She and her friends would accompany the groom and his friends to his father's house or maybe a larger hall where the festivities would take place.  It was a huge festival. Everyone in the community joined in a procession to the home of the newly-married couple.  I love that there was accountability.... The couple didn't go away on a honeymoon, but stayed home.  The Bible gave instructions that the new couple were to have a year together... They were guests of honor at a week-long continuous feast. A contract was signed.  The covenant was sealed.... the cloth with the blood symbolised that she had been faithful to him.....

The parable of the 10 virgins explains this waiting and faithfulness during the betrothal time very well.

"Then the kingdom of heaven shall be likened to ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Now five of them were wise, and five were foolish. Those who were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them, but the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. But while the bridegroom was delayed, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight a cry was heard, 'Behold, the bridegroom is coming; go out to meet him!' Then all those virgins arose and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.' But the wise answered, saying, 'No, lest there should not be enough for us and you; but go rather to those who sell, and buy for yourselves.' And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the wedding; and the door was shut. Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, 'Lord, Lord, open to us!' But he answered and said, 'Assuredly, I say to you, I do not know you.' Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour in which the Son of Man is coming" (Matthew 25:1-13).

Rev 19:7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.  8And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.  9And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.

*Please take into consideration that the English translation does not do the Hebrew or Greek much justice.  For example the word translated as 'giving in marriage' (ekgamizo) is the name of a lengthy process.  The same as the word in Hebrew (which I am more familiar with) for 'giving in marriage' (halal).  It is not nearly as simple as a man dating a girl and then if it seems to be 'working out' then he  asks her father for her hand in marriage and then the father then 'gives her in marriage'.  The whole Ekgamizo process explained above which totally involved the parents has become something archaic to our thoughts but was not such a foreign concept to someone living in those days and even in recent history.

God, the Father of Jesus, chose us to be the Bride. We did not choose Him, He chose us.  Before we were even born He chose us.  He also chose the groom.  He knows what is best for us.  The Father sent His Son to come and pay the bride price and for the Bride to start to get to know Him.  He then left to go and prepare a place for us in His Father’s house.  We have to remain faithful to Him, wait for Him.  We must be ready for His return whenever it may be.  We can find out more about Him as our love for Him grows and grows.  When He does come to receive us unto Himself, we will partake in the marriage Feast of the Lamb and there will be great rejoicing!!  Hallelujah!

Having said all this..... What do I feel about 'arranged marriages' for today? What about for my own children?  Here are the questions I have.  Did the parental role of choosing spouses change after Jesus came?  Did the command to honour parents change?  When did children start deciding what was best for them?  When did parents start reneging on this responsibility?  Is the pattern/custom that was in place then only for that time?  The practice of parents choosing spouses for their children is not outdated.  Is it popular, no, but is it ancient history?  No again.  I believe that it has everything to do with rebellion from the God-given structure for family.

My parents had numerous dating partners before they were together and then married.  They were first generation ‘Believers’ and this area of Holy Spirit led relationships was foreign to them.  When I was growing up, how many times did I ask them, “Who am I going to marry?” My children do the very same thing.  It is so natural.  We normally can answer or find the answer to any of their other questions.

I always wondered, sometimes I was convinced that it would never happen….. I think that if I had been raised knowing that my parents knew who my mate was going to be and knowing that they had my best interest at heart, I would have trusted them and I would have been secure.  Our children know that they will not have to go through this process.  It is not something they will ever have to worry about.

They know that we are in prayer about this.  We are watching how our friends raise their children.  We watch how our children relate to theirs.  We can see if their son would be a good husband to our daughter or their daughter would be a good wife for our son.  Watching the parents is a very good indication of what kind of wife or husband, mother or father their child is going to be.  Training our own children in their roles as wife and husband is vitally important too.  Teaching them about covenant, Agape Love and forgiveness only bolsters the process.  The year is 2007, God and His Word remain the same yesterday, today and forever!  This is not an issue of following the Law or Legalism or Grace.  This is about a shadow of things to come.  Love and Marriage God's way!