This turned out longer than I thought it would. I'm mostly writing this for my own benefit, as a way to sort my feelings and be able to deal with all of these emotions. I've never lost a child before so this is all new. I feel I need to write this story and I will print it for Amara's memory box. Also, the meaning of her name, Amara Angelique, is eternal angel.

I should start by saying that I knew something wasn't right and the morning of my 20 week ultrasound (Tues. July 8th, 2008) I told my dh before he went to work that I expected some bad news because something felt wrong. I was 20 weeks and still hadn't felt the baby kick. The night before the ultrasound I had a dream that I was to name my dead baby and some names went running through my head for a little while. I woke up crying but still this did not prepare me for what I was about to find out. As I laid on the table waiting to see some movements or a heart beat I started feeling sick and finally asked the tech. if my baby was dead. She said she had to go get the dr. They looked again at my baby lying there so still on the monitor and I knew he/she was gone. They couldn't tell the gender from the u/s that day but did say that the baby stopped growing at about 17-18 weeks. The dr was kind and allowed me the decision to do a D&C or be induced. I didn't have to think twice about choosing the induction. I needed to see my baby with no harm done to his/her body.

We had to wait until my dh could take a day off from his new job so we scheduled the induction for Friday, July 11th. The days between the 8th and the 11th were both difficult and a blessing as I tried to stay busy (not too hard to do with six children at home) so I didn't have to think too much about the baby inside of me. The wait gave me extra time for the reality to sink in and also gave dh and I time to chose boy and girl names, called the funeral home and make arrangements for the baby's body, and prepare to say goodbye to our baby.

Early Friday morning we left for the hospital. Induction was started at about 7:30am using inserted Cytotec pills and since I had a previous c-section (baby #5, due to breech and 8 days past due date) the dr didn't want to be aggressive and decided to go with a low dosage but also said he wasn't very worried since baby #6 was a successful vbac. If everything went quickly I was told I could go home the same day after a few hours of monitoring (in case of hemmorage.)  Everything went well throughout the morning, afternoon and into the evening, which was good because it gave dh and I some alone time which we lack at home. My sister came to visit for a short time and then later my mom stopped in for a few minutes before leaving to pick up our children and bring them to her house to stay overnight since it was getting late and I would have to spend the night afterall. I was thinking maybe the dr should try a higher dose to get things going quicker. I did end up with a fever from the Cytotec which made me shake uncontrollably but I was happy about that because I figured I was close to delivery. Finally at 6:30 the other dr that came on duty came in to check on me and she broke my water. I told dh that I thought the baby would be out by 7:30pm. I was expecting to feel some painful contractions like in my live births but they never got more painful than a moderate cramping so dh and I tried to just relax and be patient.

At about 7:05 a nurse came in to see how I was feeling and check on my fever and blood pressure, etc. I was sitting comfortably in the bed with a few blankets because the fever made me feel cold. I told her that I really wasn't feeling much of anything as far as contractions and just then I felt something strange down below (now I know it was her tiny little head crowning) then my body instinctively gave a push and I knew the baby was out. I said to the nurse, "I just had it!" and she said, "What? A contraction?" Then I told her that no, it was the baby. Dh was just sitting there looking confused so I told him I just had the baby! I looked at the clock while the nurse was pulling back the blankets to see if I was right and it was 7:10pm but she wrote on her 'official' papers that the baby came at 7:12. Not that it really makes any difference except for my own memories of the day.

From that point everything seemed to happen so quickly although I want to remember every second. At some point the other nurses were informed of what had happened and the room became busy. They checked the baby to find she was a girl. Then she was checked to see if the cause of death could be determined and it was evident that the umbilical cord close to her body had somehow become twisted tight so that it was very thin compared to the rest of the cord which was thick and healthy-looking. We were asked if we wanted to hold her and we said yes. Dh and I took some pictures ourselves and we had the nurse take pics of the 3 of us. We spent some time, not sure how long exactly, just looking at her and crying and praying. We later let the nurses take her to get hand and footprints and the hospital pictures taken for us. I needed to see her once more before I could let her go forever so she was brought back to us for a few more minutes.

After the nurse took our baby's body for the last time my dh left to spend the night with the children at my mom's house. I got a shower and got ready for bed. The dr gave me a sleeping pill so that I could sleep through the night (the previous couple nights were filled with sad/bad dreams and crying so I was grateful for one night's sleep.) Saturday morning dh brought our youngest (ds, 21 months) to come pick me up and I was so glad to not have to walk out those doors with empty arms. I carried my little guy out of the hospital that morning, holding on to him tighter than his clinging little arms were wrapped around my neck.

As of today, my days are still filled with roller coaster-like emotions. I have moments of joy because I know that she IS and ALWAYS will be my baby and that she is in a much better place in the arms of Jesus while she waits for the rest of us to join her. I also feel a deep emptiness in my heart (and womb) when I think about how much I miss her although I barely knew her. I want her back! I know that can never be but knowing doesn't take the want away, if that makes any sense. I've been told it will get easier as the days go by and I although I know that is true it is hard to believe during my deepest moments of sadness.

Blessings,
Nadine