May. 9, 2008 - Connecting with God
I often fall into the mindset, "It's all up to me", even in how I relate to God. I become anxious about wanting to go deeper in my relationship with God and then strive to figure out how to do just that. The striving takes my eyes off the One I'm seeking and turns them to the enormity of the task of trying to relate to a God who's invisible. Distractions, busyness, noise, and emotions are but a few of the daily challenges that interfere with my attempts at connecting.
People all over the globe from the beginning of time have attempted all kinds of means of getting the gods to pay attention. Some crawl on their knees for hundreds of miles. Others pierce their bodies and drag heavy weights. In ancient days many sacrificed infants in an attempt to relate to a god they believed to be out there somewhere.
If it were all up to me, I wouldn't know where to begin to seek God. How to break through the barrier of the physical world into the spiritual. To bridge the gap between what can be seen and what is concealed. To reach out like a "Who" down in "Who-ville" to a giant Horton. To shout at the top of my voice amidst the racket of the hustle and bustle of planet earth and hope to be heard by the Cosmic Source of Life. (I wonder what it sounds like from up there?)
But, it's not all up to me. The Creator of the Universe seeks a relationship with me. Oh, wonder of wonders! He looks for me. He hears me. He speaks. He shows up in unexpected places. He loves. He abides. He is nearer than near - Christ within me. The thought would send me into the realm of dreams and fairytales if I didn't believe that it were true down into the depths of my being. |
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May. 7, 2008 - Phases of the Journey
I'm struggling these days. Always itching to be somewhere else. Doing something else. The restlessness in my spirit is hard to interpret. Is it dissatisfaction? If so I need to practice, like the apostle Paul did, the art of being content in any situation.
Contentment is a challenge for those of us in North American society. Everything tells us to look for the new and improved. We easily forget that new and improved rarely measures up and doesn't fill that aching hole within us. Like Jeremiah preached, we all too often are trying to fill our souls from broken cisterns. (Jeremiah 2:13)
I've been wading into a new learning curve in my Christian walk. A place of questioning. Perhaps even doubting glib Christian-ese that I've been hearing or speaking for years. I am growing beyond simply grabbing others glib statements. I want to know that these 'truths' are indeed Truth. But, this stage is awkward to explain to others. They either think that I'm backsliding. Or, that I'm rebelling against God. I suppose that what others' think isn't really important. I must journey this confusing place, resting in the knowledge that God is still with me. And, He is still my resting place.
Images that have been implanted in my mind from Pilgrims' Progress give me much encouragement as I move through the different stages of my spiritual travels. There are sloughs of despondence, castles of doubt, places of respite, and long long patches of montonous travail. I think I need to read that book again and thank God for the many wayfarers who have tramped out the paths ahead of me. |
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May. 4, 2008 - New Direction?
Life seems to have turned a corner. I feel as though I'm heading in a new direction. I'm just not sure what the direction is yet. But, I'm trying to be willing to go along.
I feel as though something has shifted. Perhaps a new window of perspective has been cut into the box I put my life into or perhaps a door has opened inviting me to step out further in faith. When dealing with the spiritual world it's hard to convey the subtle shifts that take place. Even harder to explain and see is the transformation that God is bringing about within me. The metamorphosis of my soul from death to being fully alive.
More often these days I find myself being unsure of where God is taking me. As the truths of His Word become more solid beneath my feet, everything else has become more fluid. I'm less sure of where I'll be in five years. I don't make long-range plans quite so readily. Everything can change in a second.
Perhaps becoming flexible is all part of God's character training program. Rigidity and a refusal to change just don't seem to fit with allowing God to work in my life. Afterall, His ideas about how my life should go are far different and far better than my narrow-minded viewpoint. I can spend a lot of time hacking out my own rabbit trails, or I can follow the well-worn paths of the great cloud of witnesses that have passed this way already. While I try to learn from their examples, the spiritual journey seems to be very individual and experience the best teacher. |
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Apr. 30, 2008 - Moving Ahead
In some ways last Friday seems like a lifetime away. So much has transpired since the moment the church floor collapsed. Lots of prayer. Lots of tears. Learning how to move ahead during this weird and difficult leg of the journey. The kids seem to need to return often to process details they had forgotten, or to express again the truth that God was present even as the floor gave way.
I'm not so certain about the "how" of moving ahead, but I'm even more convinced about the unchanging nature of God. Life is uncertain but God is not. He's always with us. Always loves us. Never allows us to pass through more than we can handle. He gives us grace and mercy for the journey. He guides us through the easy and the hard parts. The wisdom of his Word gives us the strength to continue. He truly is the source of everything. |
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Apr. 28, 2008 - Weekend Disaster!
This past weekend at our church the sanctuary floor collapsed during a Christian Rock Concert. All the kids who were praising God in the mosh pit were plummeted to the concrete floor about 15 feet below. (My girls were at that concert and stood about 2 feet from the edge of where the floor gave way.)Immediately the fire alarm was pulled and fire, rescue, and ambulances were called and came from all the surrounding cities to attend the disaster area.
My daughters phoned and were so hysterical on the phone that I couldn't get a clear idea of what had happened, but I left immediately to go and get them. When I approached the church I couldn't get within a hundred meters. Police had blocked off all the streets near the church, and lights and sirens made the scene look like a war zone. People staggered around in a daze, praying with one another, consoling each other, or sitting crying wrapped in blankets and bandages.
The girls met me at a nearby gas station. They were obviously in shock and have continued to be extremely disturbed by all that they heard and saw. We have spent the weekend grieving and processing. Thankfully, though there were hundreds of minor injuries, nobody was killed. That in itself is a miracle, considering that pews fell into the hole and set props fell down into the audience.
Our church sanctuary is closed while forensics and city building engineers scour the affect area looking for signs of what caused this failure. We met for worship on Sunday at a nearby Bible College and benefitted from having the chance to praise God and come together in a spirit of unity.
At times like these our faith is tested. Afterall, what is faith except believing that God is 'for' us even when the evidence of circumstances points the other way. So I declare that God has not abandoned us. He loves us. He is not punishing us. He is, and will continue to be, with us as we journey through the next weeks and months. |
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Apr. 24, 2008 - Hmmm...
The following is a prayer written by Henri Nouwen:
Today I thought of the words of Vincent Van Gogh: "It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea." You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.
My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.
O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea.
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Apr. 22, 2008 - Making Life Easier
I'm learning to be nicer to myself. To read my own physical signs and give myself a break when I'm getting tired. To recognize when I'm heading down the road to burn-out and take time out to rest. It's easy to get caught up in the rat-race and be so busy running that I don't eat properly, or get to bed on time, or nourish my spirit with the Bread of Life.
In the past I sat back and waited for others to notice that I was tired. Or, I'd slam pots and pans around in the kitchen while I was cleaning up, resenting that I was 'forced' to do 'all the work' while others were sitting back. I hope I'm getting better about admitting my limitations and asking for help rather than stewing in my self-made misery.
As the kids get older I think it's important to involve them in the household chores and daily upkeep. They need to learn those lifeskills, and as teenagers they need to realize the amount of work involved in many of their glib suggestions for entertainment. And, it's fun to hang out together and listen to their silly banter and get to know what's going on inside their heads.
I think as Mom to three daughters I often send messages that I don't intend to teach them - that they have to punish themselves with overwork, that they must do all their work alone, that motherhood is so very very sacrificial, that being a woman means being a martyr. I confess that when the kids were younger that I often fell into the pattern of complaining and whining about the amount of work I was expected to do in a day. I didn't give myself breaks or curtail the standards I kept trying to achieve. (Perfection in housekeeping is an unattainable goal and not one worth pursuing!) Very strange behaviour considering I was my own boss, and was quite capable of making my life easier. I'm not advocating slothful habits, but when I make my workload overwhelming I become a not-very-nice person to be around. Sometimes my work ethic can become a foothold for the enemy. |
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Apr. 21, 2008 - It's Not the Hard Stuff
It's not the fierce storms that blow into my life and out that undo me as much as the daily grind. The neverending battle within and without. The wearing-down process that happens as time takes it's toll on me.
Today is a weary day in the journey of homeschooling. We're nearing the finish line, but somehow having the end within sight makes the day by day plodding feel even harder. So we're taking a day of respite, connecting with another homeschooling family in hopes of buoying up our flagging spirits and getting the boost of energy necessary for completing the course.
Hebrews 12:1 comes to mind..."let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus.." Today I just want to curl up and hide away in God, my refuge and my strength.
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Apr. 17, 2008 - Into the Presence of God
I've been meditating on thoughts contained in one of Matt Redman's songs throughout the night...
"Welcomed in to the courts of the king...I've been ushered into your presence
Lord I stand on your merciful ground...Yet with every step tread with reverence
And I fall facedown as your glory shines around
Who is there in the heavens like you? And upon earth who's your equal?
You are far above, you're the highest of heights...We are bowing down to exalt you
And I fall facedown as your glory shines around"
I have been made welcome to enter the throne room of God and speak to Him face to face. In the presence of His majesty and love I am transformed. Everything of earth is stripped away and I see myself the way He sees me, beloved, whole, made complete in Christ Jesus. My blinded eyes are opened to see afresh the purpose of my great calling - to represent His Kingdom in my corner of the world. When I've been in His presence I don't want to leave, and so the conversation becomes a day-long inner dialogue with the Holy Spirit. Physically present in the room, I'm away in another place altogether. I want to stay here forever in the circle of God's love and not move beyond into the shadowlands.
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16 |
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Apr. 16, 2008 - Changes
Life isn't the same for me now that I have a house of teenagers and tweens. The activity level has escalated. My husband I seem to always be driving someone somewhere and negotiating times for pick-up. Or, we hang around waiting for the phone call, our own lives temporarily put on hold. Sometimes we find the changes frustrating, and yet at the same time we're thankful that our kids are energetic, outgoing and finding their individual interests.
The amount of food consumed in a week has skyrocketed to an astronomical amount. One of the kids always seems to be hungry. They snack frequently during the day and yet still manage to inhale large amounts at meal times. While I used to have regimented meal times, now I find that with all the coming and going, and the varied likes and dislikes I'm better off allowing the kids to make their own breakfasts and lunches. (Supper is still the one meal that I cook and that we eat together.) And, they seem to enjoy the freedom to choose their menus for the day.
As the kids grow older I realize how important freedom is to them, and I also realize the importance of letting them go - as difficult as that is. The release process is gradual, more freedom given as they show maturity and the need to stand on their own. I've been spurred on by the racing clock to encourage them to seek their own relationship with God, too. I can't spoon-feed them forever and then suddenly expect them to know how to forage for their own spiritual nourishment. More and more I'm having them seek answers from God for themselves through prayer and Bible reading. I'm always available for a discussion, but they need to be reaching their own conclusions and developing a faith that is there own, not mine. |
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