As many of you know, I had a very challenging summer. Lots of conflicts to step up and into. In the midst of those I was seeking direction about the fall and what activities God was asking me to join Him in. The signs were confusing and I spend lots of time in prayer. I didn't think that I was anxious about the final outcome but fast forward to the end of August...

All the plans that I had held close to my heart all summer had fallen apart - my ladies Bible Study class being the dearest of those I wanted to hang onto. As I did some prayerful listening with friends who's counsel I trust, I heard the question "What if you don't teach this fall?" That wasn't at ALL what I was expecting to hear. Yet God asked me this question on three different occasions. I believe that was His gentle way of telling me that He wanted me to switch gears.

So...apart from my home and homeschooling I'm involved in nothing this year. And, that is really hard. A very difficult phase for me to journey. I feel washed up. Put in a corner. Not useful. And, as though I have very little purpose. God has been asking me questions about my identity, where it comes from, what it's attached to. And, I've also been looking at where I've looked for rest or comfort in the past. I am not yet able to say with confidence like the Psalmist, "My soul finds rest in God alone."

While I wrestle with these thoughts, I also recognize from my current health that I need this slowing down time. My relationship with rest is very much love/hate.  I love that I'm not stressed out by too many activities crammed into too few hours, but I dislike this very obvious sign of weakness. I also dislike the low-grade headache that creeps in toward lunch time and stays throughout the day, the need for much sleep, and my inability to handle anything that has a hint of stress attached to it.

So...in this waiting season - waiting to recover, and waiting to see what God wants to do in me - I have to learn to quiet the inner child that wants to have a tantrum and return to the whirl of life. I've been drawn aside for a reason and I must be content to stay here until He otherwise directs.