This word might conjure up images of large groups of people getting together in a mountain resort for some focussed time on God. For women, this kind of retreat might signal time away for the relentless onslaught of chores and demands that come from raising a family. For some this word can draw to mind a place of silence and solitude that allows them the opportunity to soak in the presence of God.

Retreat for this past couple of months for me has meant permitting myself to pull out of the mainstream and find rest at home.  Resting, however, doesn't mean that  God is doing nothing in my life right now. The opposite is true. In the stillness of my evenings I am finding more opportunities to connect with God and to answer the questions that He's been stirring up from the shadowy places in my heart. This is often very painful  and, without a doubt, an incredibly exhausting process. I am also trying to learn how to rest - to sit and do absolutely nothing (and not feel guilty about it!).

At first when God indicated that this was the direction He wanted me to take this fall, I was heartbroken. I didn't want to step out of the group I was journeying with to spend time on a isolated path. I still have this internal struggle everyday as I keep being reminded by my Heavenly Father that this is a time of healing and restoration, even though it often feels like punishment.

Today while the rest of my family has gone to church, I am seeking sanctuary with God on my own at home.  I struggle with knowing what to do with the long, empty, void of time. While I recognize that this time could be a gift, I feel like it's a gift that I'm not sure what to do with. Remember getting those kinds of things at your wedding showers? The ones that you said, "Uh...thanks" to but didn't have a clue what they were for?

I could choose to get busy with chores that are always begging for attention. That's always been my pattern in the past. Or, I could put on some music and escape into beautiful sound. Sometimes I do that because it's good for the soul. Or, I could quickly post a blog-entry and then move into what I've been thinking about since last night - journaling time and the chance to listen to God. 

This is how I intend to spend the next couple of hours. Everything else can wait. God is inviting me into his presence and I'm impatient to get there. While I value church, I realized this morning that I don't need to carry guilt about not being there right now. This phase of my journey won't last forever and after all these years I'm finally learning how to take care of myself.