Oct. 5, 2009 - A Smaller Family For a Few Days
The two older girls are away for a couple of days enjoying field trips with the Grad class. They are staying over with friends in Surrey because of the late nights and early mornings but also to get in a little socializing time. Anything for that, right Sarah?
Being home with the two youngers is easy when compared to my normal workload. And, it's Monday, our quiet-at-home day. Yet somehow... we're still lagging behind in our daily work. That's my fault! I chose to not take time on the weekend to plan ahead but instead had the kids sit down with me this morning and we walked together through the assignments for the week. (This wouldn't work when the older girls are home as the downstairs area by the computer has become a talk-free zone.)
Tonight we're taking our smaller family out for Chinese food as a nice end to Mady's social studies unit about Ancient China. However, I'm sure they'll want sweet and sour which is really a westernized version of this ethnic food. Still, I'll throw in a little Chinese vegetables, gai lan, and some hot pot and we've got the makings of a good cultural experience. Either way I'm thrilled because I get the night off from cooking. Yeah! |
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Oct. 5, 2009 - A Quote from Grace
"Does my life accurately reflect God’s magnificent reputation? Practically put, when others look at me, do they understand that God is trustworthy and able to provide for His children? Or do I cast doubt on His reputation by constantly worrying and fretting about finances?
Do I honor His reputation as a holy God by living a holy life? Or do I smear His reputation by engaging in inappropriate jokes and conversation, lingering on lustful thoughts, watching TV and literature that would not measure up to His standard?
Do I honor His reputation as a forgiving God by forgiving those who hurt me? Or do I cast a shadow on His forgiving nature by holding a grudge and wishing for revenge?
Do I reinforce His reputation as a generous God by giving generously to others? Or do I cause others to doubt His generosity by withholding from them for selfish reasons?
Do I honor His reputation as a God who can do the impossible by obeying Him when He nudges me to do what seems beyond human logic? Or do I, through fear and disobedience, cause others to think He’s limited in size and power?"
(I borrowed this quote from my friend's site over at http://www.gracefox.com/blog/. Be sure to check out this article entitled "God's Reputation" posted on October 2nd, and other words of wisdom from Grace.) |
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Oct. 4, 2009 - A Quiet Moment
I take a quiet day to draw away from the things that I should do, the things that I usually do, to sit still and immerse myself in the silence of an empty house. The weather is glorious - a quintessential autumn day. The skies are so blue I could be tricked into thinking that it's summer until I open the window and allow the crisp brisk wind to blow in and around me. I watch as the trees duck and sway, their leaves clashing together with a sound like cascading water. And, I breathe deeply, wanting absorb this moment to the fullest.
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Sep. 30, 2009 - Perplexed but Not Despairing
As many of you know, I had a very challenging summer. Lots of conflicts to step up and into. In the midst of those I was seeking direction about the fall and what activities God was asking me to join Him in. The signs were confusing and I spend lots of time in prayer. I didn't think that I was anxious about the final outcome but fast forward to the end of August...
All the plans that I had held close to my heart all summer had fallen apart - my ladies Bible Study class being the dearest of those I wanted to hang onto. As I did some prayerful listening with friends who's counsel I trust, I heard the question "What if you don't teach this fall?" That wasn't at ALL what I was expecting to hear. Yet God asked me this question on three different occasions. I believe that was His gentle way of telling me that He wanted me to switch gears.
So...apart from my home and homeschooling I'm involved in nothing this year. And, that is really hard. A very difficult phase for me to journey. I feel washed up. Put in a corner. Not useful. And, as though I have very little purpose. God has been asking me questions about my identity, where it comes from, what it's attached to. And, I've also been looking at where I've looked for rest or comfort in the past. I am not yet able to say with confidence like the Psalmist, "My soul finds rest in God alone."
While I wrestle with these thoughts, I also recognize from my current health that I need this slowing down time. My relationship with rest is very much love/hate. I love that I'm not stressed out by too many activities crammed into too few hours, but I dislike this very obvious sign of weakness. I also dislike the low-grade headache that creeps in toward lunch time and stays throughout the day, the need for much sleep, and my inability to handle anything that has a hint of stress attached to it.
So...in this waiting season - waiting to recover, and waiting to see what God wants to do in me - I have to learn to quiet the inner child that wants to have a tantrum and return to the whirl of life. I've been drawn aside for a reason and I must be content to stay here until He otherwise directs. |
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Sep. 28, 2009 - What Our Days Look Like
Our school days are long. Regardless of how I trim down assignments, we still seem to be working well into the evening. The older girls could easily be working into the wee hours of the morning but I've limited late nights to 11:00.
Each day begins around 9:00 as we pull out the English books and begin plodding through a variety of Language Arts activities. Math comes second, with Mady traipsing downstairs to her on-line course while William and I hover over his books in the dining room. Before lunch we try and squeeze in the beginning of a Science or Socials lesson but those always run after lunch as well. Lunch break is always well anticipated. I'm so glad that I spent time in the summer planning healthy and more exciting menus.
In the afternoon, novel studies and novel reading take up huge chunks of time as the kids read and then discuss what they've absorbed. Then, William and Mady spend time practicing their piano pieces and getting enough physical activity to fill their weekly logs. Variety is the key in the PE domain. In the afternoons we also work on essays or projects, longer assignments that are vital when I'm trying to collect grades for report cards. Extra-curricular activities fill in the hours before dinner several days in the week, so I always need to have planned ahead. With Youth starting up at 7:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays we don't have much to waste in between.
Besides core subjects the kids also have morning devotions, art, daily chores, and health-and-career-education topics to cover weekly. Both are studying Spanish as their second language and I try and complete a few hours of that each week too. Sometimes with the sheer diversity and volume, one subject inevitably gets overlooked. I try and keep a system running so that I'm not leaving huge learning gaps anywhere.
Thankfully this year I do have some "free" evenings. I am enjoying this novelty. I'm learning that simply staying at home is one of the best ways to get rest. (Really! That's quite the revelation for me!) I enjoy pulling my hair into a ponytail and schlepping around in comfortable clothes. I feel very relieved that I no longer have to try drawing from an empty well and that evenings are becoming a time to wind down. I enjoy soaking in a hot tub and climbing into bed by 9:30 . Oh, the bliss of having time to escape into a good book before sleeping!
On the weekends I spent many hours planning for the week ahead . Whether marking papers, creating assignments, or filling in logs, I always have something that needs to be organized. I am attempting to get all these jobs finished in one day so that I have a 'sabbath' day to enjoy doing nothing. This is always a work in process as life has a way of tossing in the unexpecteds. |
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Sep. 25, 2009 - Realizing
As I've slowed down and begun to eliminate activity from my life, I realize just how tired I have been for a long time. I realize just how hard I was driving myself. From this perspective the workload looks overwhelming and I wonder how I managed to push myself that hard for that long.
I have been feeling very unlike myself; crying easily. Tired all the time. Having to stop mid-afternoon and put my feet up. Cranky and irritable at any request that sounds like work. Completely undone by anything that appears to be too strenuous. And, then I cry because for now I am unable to do things that I would really like to do. I have been saying no to social situations that will involved big groups. And, unfortunately that means missing out on occasions that I would have enjoyed in a different season.
I think I will be journeying this for a while. I don't think that healing comes to the body and mind quickly. And, I keep asking myself questions about what belief systems I have bought into that have brought me to this strange place. Certainly I think that pride rises to the surface when I recall how many times I have made inner vows to do things by myself even when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Why do I have this need to prove what I can do?
Today is my youngest daughter's birthday and I am not running around frantically taking care of everything. Everyone is helping out. By comparison, I'm doing relatively little. And this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. No, it won't be done the way I would have done it. But, so what? It will get done. And, I need to learn to sit back and allow myself every opportunity to recover. |
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Sep. 23, 2009 - Early Struggles with Rest
During the summer months when my arms were loaded with all kinds of options for fall busyness, I prayerfully laid all these choices at the foot of the cross and offered them up to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him what He would have me do. And, I shared my willingness to do them all if that's what Father was asking. As fall approached doors closed on all of these opportunities, and I sensed in a very definite way that I was being called to a very unusual season. A season of rest.
In the ensuing days, I've realized just how uncomfortable I am with this concept of resting. It feels lazy. It's hard to explain to people. I feel as though I must be on the defensive, or have a smart and concise response to those who ask me "What are you doing this fall?" I'm not sure how to handle a niggling sense of boredom, and I have to keep batting away the doubts that come in the form of questions from the Enemy. I also fear that those who don't understand what I've been asked to do, will be the first to become irritated by my new propensity to say "No" rather than "Yes".
On another level I feel this huge sense of relief. Having cut so many things out of my life, I now have time to be present to the jobs and people who are right in front of me. I'm no longer sitting there looking like I'm interested but with my mind racing ahead to all the other things that I have to somehow fit into the next few hours. I can focus on my kids' schooling, make a decent meal from scratch, and have the laundry washed, folded and put away before the end of the day.
God has been very gracious in arranging a schedule for me that allows for quiet evenings. This means that I'm now getting to bed by 10:30. I can't believe how different I feel having had a good night's sleep. I intend to keep those evenings empty even though I have this urge to find something valuable to do with that time. I could teach a Sunday school class? Or, volunteer at the Food Bank? Or...But, God gently lays my hands in my lap and tells me to be still. So I do. |
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Sep. 18, 2009 - Searching for Rest
Rest seems elusive these days. Somehow, the more I look for moments to sit quietly, for time to slow down, for breathing space between activities, the more the calendar seems to fill up. So I ask God, "How do I find rest in this busy season of my life?" I need to listen attentively to hear Him coaching me throughout the day. "Slow down a little. Why do you feel panicked right now? What's the rush? What if you took two extra minutes to complete this job?" and so on. I also sense Him quieting my need to say "yes" to all the invitations that are being offered. "Be still and know..."
Disoriented and a little restless, I struggle to settle into a quieter pace. I don't know how to do this yet, God. Will you teach me? Will you speak into the places where I could feel purposeless, unimportant, and lacking in direction? I want to learn rest, but I'm so used to the habit of racing. Hurtling through time. Running breathlessly through my days. Fueling myself with adrenaline bursts of panic, and lots of coffee.
As I teeter on the brink of burn-out, I need to look carefully at how I arrived at this place. What old inner tapes do I need to erase? What paths do I need to avoid right now? What new patterns do I need to put in place? Wow! I've so much to learn. But, instead of striving to figure it out, getting a study guide, or googling for more information, God is wanting me to journey this looking to Him alone. To do nothing as I learn how to be at rest. |
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Sep. 10, 2009 - Like Bringing Home a New Baby
I was trying to think of a way to describe the first few days of plunging back into homeschool and the only analogy I could come up with is "like bringing home a new baby". The routines from past years don't really work as once again everything is different. Now both my older girls are navigating the on-line classes, one with great confidence from last year's experience, and the other tentatively and with lots of anxiety. I am still trying to learn to not carry my childrens' emotional burdens, but I do whether I think I'm improving or not.
The two younger ones have been moved upstairs to the dining room to leave the older, more serious students the quiet space they need to get through their studies. This means I'm running up and down stairs frequently throughout the hour staying available to counsel the older ones, and teaching lessons to the two youngers. When I'm not attending to the youngers they tend to disappear into the woodwork.
I finally had time to shower last night - the first time since Saturday evening! I think this is what makes me think back to the earlier days of bringing babies home. I'm still trying to find a new rhythm and give myself some grace to navigate the frustrations of trying to find systems that work. Yesterday we encountered all kinds of glitches not the least of which was running out of printer ink. Hence, worksheets had to be forwarded to my daughter's computer and printed from there. Annoying!
Menu-planning has helped with having nutritious meals on the table on time, and so far has cut down on the amount of unhealthy snacking that was part of last years stress management.
Oh...I'm being paged and have to run. At least all this up and down stairs stuff is getting some exercise fitted into really full days. I'm exhausted! |
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Sep. 7, 2009 - A New School Year
The first day of school has forever been my "new year". My inner calendar has run from September to June for as long as I remember. Whether as a student in the school system, as a student at university, or as a teacher, summer has been my resting period between great expendings of energy and mental processes. Now I enter my twelth year of homeschooling, or as my unschooling friends would say, my seventeenth year of homeschooling, since according to them I have been teaching since the moment of my first child's birth. I like that!
Tomorrow we crack open the new textbooks, and the clean, crisp notebooks. Tingles of excitement well up within me as long as I don't look too far down the road, or anticipate problems that may, but usually don't, happen. More and more I am having to learn to move in the moment, to not plan too far ahead, and to not have expectations and visuals in my mind about what the kids' schooling ought to look like. The picture in my head and the daily realities rarely line up. Why?
Usually I have set the bar of my standards in the realm of the "impossible". I haven't taken into account the fact that life isn't predictable. Sometimes the day begins off center because I'm feel out-of-sorts. Sometimes I'm full of energy and positive vibes, but one of the children enter the school room feeling gloomy and irritable. Other days, sickness is thrown into the picture, or dental appointments, or an unexpected guest showing up at the door. Even the weather plays a role in a school day being successful or not. We've had days where all our courses come to a screeching halt by a wind storm knocking the power out and shutting the Internet down.
Another element that can foil the day is not having supplies on hand for a project that I've set up for the kids to start. Whether baking supplies for a Home Ec. project, or chemicals for a science experiment, I have learned the importance of looking ahead on the schedule and being physically prepared for the assignments I am planning. Still, there are times when weekend planning just isn't possible because of unexpected chores throwing plans to the wind.
So I'm taking deep breaths today and looking to Him to quiet my spirit. When I wake tomorrow I will walk into the new school year with the focus of "one day at a time". I will stop and look to Him when events seem to spiral the homeschooling out of control. I want to be intentional about getting proper rest and about spending time each day centering myself in the truths of scripture. I want to teach my children to take their frustrations to the cross and to live by faith in the power of God's Word. |
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