Lately I've been struggling with lots of different issues with the kids. I'll spare the details of their negative behaviors and issues but I've been feeling quite down from feeling like their attitudes and behaviors are going downhill. I'm praying that as we get into the school year and into Bible Study consistently that God's Word would bear fruit in their lives. In the meantime, I've been caught (and they've been caught) in a negative downhill spiral.
Just tonight the Lord showed me how my attitude towards them and their behaviors has been hindering their change and improvement. As I've been frustrated with them, I've started using more negative tones with them. I've spoken negatively about them to others. I've said negative statements about the frequency of their bad behaviors. All these things have been counterproductive.
Tonight this came to me as I was trying to get my twin 4yo's to clean up their room. They do this every night after supper and oftentimes it's a big struggle while other times they do it well and are done in a short time. Tonight was one of those nights where they just seemed to stand around and fiddle with this toy or that toy and never really get around to actually putting something where it belonged. I was getting frustrated and was telling them to pick up. I was debating in my mind what to do and had hesitated long enough contemplating my negative mindset towards them when one of the twins put a toy away. I burst out into an enthusiastic cheer which caused his twin brother to pick something up and put it away bringing a cheer for him. Suddenly in about 2 minutes the room was picked up to the sound of my cheers.
After this I thought about how often I get negative when if I could just keep finding the good things they do and keep encouraging them in these things, they might start doing more and more good things and the whole tone in our house would change. We as moms really do set the tone of the house. Satan so wants to speak lies to us about how bad our kids are and how they'll never change and they keep getting worse and not better until we believe it and start treating them in that negative light. God wants us to encourage the good we see, dilligently and cheerfully train and correct the bad, and pray for their weaknesses and trust him to do his work in their lives.
None of this is something I haven't known, but boy I sure needed this reminder tonight! May we lovingly encourage our children in God's ways.
1.) The player starts with 8 random facts about herself.
2.) The person that has been tagged must post on her own blog, her answers and post the rules first.
3.) Then the player must pick 8 people and tag them and also leave them a note on message that lets them know, that you tagged them. You can write who tagged you on your blog also. (I think I'll randomly tag 8 and not bother posting names here...)
Here are my 8 random things:
1. I'm the youngest with 2 older brothers and my dh is the youngest with 2 older sisters
2. My dh works at home - he sells ink refill kits and other printer ink supplies at www.encoreink.com. He's also taking a medical transcription course online to supplement our income
3. My wonderful next-oldest brother lives about an hour away- hopefully I'll be seeing him soon at a lake around here!
4. We love going to the lake with our boat to go waterskiing etc... - I waterskied this year again for the 1st time in 3 years I think. 2 of the last 3 years I've been pg and the other one I was too busy with all the kids to go
5. I've met 2 of my best friends in this area through online e-mail groups
6. I taught Spanish for 3 years in a Christian school before having children and staying home. I hope to use my Spanish teaching in the homeschool community.
7. I play the piano fairly well and played the violin when I was young. I recently got a violin someone is letting me use so it's fun to pick that up again.
8. I have way too many flies in our house right now.
My husband and I started a new date night tradition this week. We've never been good about having dates with the logistics of a large, young family. Instead of having a weekly date night out, we decided to start having a weekly date night in.
After we get the kids in bed (hopefully a bit early) I set up a card table in our bedroom and put a table cloth on it and a candle and got a dessert. This week we had banana splits (except with banana chunks) in our fancy ice cream dishes. We have this question book for married couples that has a lot of different questions to ask each other and talk about. This week's question was to list 5 (or more) milestones in your married life. It was interesting reminiscing about previous years and the things that have happened!
It was a little tricky getting the kids down to bed and all. My oldest son tends to stay up later and read out near us so I told him he needed to read out there by himself. Also my 6yo dd wants us near her when she goes to bed so I needed to try to get her to let us be a little farther away in our bedroom (really not very far away from her at all). So it was a test in patience as it took a while to get them settled, but hopefully wtih consistency it will go better and we'll get more time together!
Anyways, it was a neat way to have some extra special time together and hopefully we'll find ways to make our dates in creative and fun!
Often before bedtime we read a chapter book as a family. Oftentimes the younger children get a little restless and disruptive during this time. It often has been very difficult to get the reading done with everyone listening.
Tonight I decided to have a little "family meeting" before we read the book. I explained that we were going to read our book and they needed to prove to me that they really wanted to hear the book by their actions in order to stay up to listen. Otherwise they would be sent to bed.
I then proceeded to demonstrate proper listening and improper listening. I had my husband read a little and re-enacted their behaviors or acted properly in turn and then asked them if I was listening properly or not. They all thought it was pretty funny to see mom rolling around wildly on the floor like they do for improper listening! Sometimes one of them will be silly and just start laughing to another child to get them laughing back and forth so while my dh was reading, I started to laugh for no reason at my children. Anyways, you probably had to be there to get the whole scene, but the re-enactment certainly helped and they sat much better tonight. My dh did have to cart 2 of them off before the chapter was done, but all in all things were better.
Do you have those moments? Those moments when everything is going wrong and you feel out of control or like everyone is out of control? Today it was during garden watering and weeding time. I was outside with the kids after breakfast to get the weeding/watering done. I started in with some kids getting the hose and the buckets. Unfortunately we're one hose too short to water the farther back garden so we need to fill 5-gallon buckets and bring them close to those areas and pour the water onto the plants.
So what do you think happens when you get a hose, buckets and 5 children ages 2, 4, 4, 6, and 8? I think you all know what a 2yo does with water and buckets. He scoops, dumps and pours back and forth between containers to his hearts content! What do 4yo twin boys do with it? They grab the hose, pull it around, fill their containers, dump them anywhere they feel like it - sometimes on plants, sometimes on the fire pit, sometimes too close to someone, or just dump the whole 5-gallon container of water for fun. What does a 6yo girl do? She bosses, screams at them (even if what they're doing really isn't that bad), and creates quite the scene. The 8yo tries to help amidst all of this but also gets frustrated and complains about the younger siblings and tattles a lot. What does mommy while trying to weed while this is going on? Get very frustrated and get upset at the wrong people sometimes or the right people sometimes but not deal with the situation in love.
So that was my morning weeding! When the deed was finally done and accomplished, I knew that it was time to do some thinking about a better way to get the garden watered. So that is my task. Whenever there's a time of day, a task, a situation where things tend to get out of control like that, I try to think it through strategically. What should each of the children be doing? How can they best be a help without causing a problem. If they do start causing problems, what will be the immediate consequence to prevent it from becoming a scene? What rules do I need to have for them to follow during this time?
SO - in thinking through plant watering and weeding time, here are a few things I could do. I could have set turns (3 min. or so) for certain kids to have time to fill the buckets with water (the more desired job). I could have each of them weed their own area of the garden while someone started in with spraying another area of the garden. I could have the most likely to act out children weed next to me - especially if they're not on their best behavior. I could assign them each specific plants to water so they're each going to different areas.
I haven't laid out the whole plan, but to do this I should start by listing all the specific areas to weed and water and specific tasks that need to be done to accomplish this. After I have my list of things that need to be done, I can figure out what order they should be done and who should do what and then think of how to have each of the children occupied during this time and what I should be doing. So that will be my plan - hopefully before the next time I need to water with all of them!
Other areas to strategically plan can include: mealtimes - who does what to get it ready and what will they all be doing during this time, bedtimes, chore times, school times, getting out the door and back in the door, and many other times. The idea is that whenever you find yourself frustrated repeatedly with a situation, pray about it and strategically plan how to better handle that situation in the future.
Tonight I had a big oops moment. Just before bedtime for my kids, I was enjoying our monarch caterpillars that we have and taking some pics of some chrysalises and a caterpillar that we have. I was holding the caterpillar and took it outside onto our deck to take some pics as I thought I might get a better pic there. I had taken 2 good pics and my son started to take it to put it back. I decided to take one more when the worst thing happened. I dropped it. I didn't just drop it on the deck, but of all the worst luck, it dropped through one of the cracks between two of the boards on our deck!
Our deck has trellis material all around the bottom of it so we couldn't instantly run to look for it. My husband does sometimes take it off to get things out but I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask him to get out the drill to take one off to look for a caterpillar in a dark location in the getting-dark evening. BUT I could see that my son wasn't going to take it well at all. He LOVES the caterpillars!
SO, I heard my son go in to ask my husband about taking off the trellis. I knew my husband was probably not in the mood for it so I went in and kind of gave him a look that showed him I felt really bad about it. I asked him if he could take it off for us to try to find it and went to find a flashlight. Thanks to my husband, he agreed and went to get the trellis off.
We stooped way down low (not much clearance under there) and made it over to the corner where the caterpillar had fallen through. Unfortunately we couldn't find it anywhere. My son was not happy about it.
A little bit later I went in to see him sitting sadly on a chair so I went over to him and asked him if we should pray that the caterpillar makes it and he said yes. We prayed together. It took quite a while of talking to him to get him to bed and asleep.
My main thoughts on this incident are this. Part of showing our love to our children is to care for what they care about. By caring for their feelings, even when in our eyes what they care about may seem silly, they know that we do truly love them. I could have just told him not to worry about it - we do have 10 chrisalises in our butterfly cage right now and still have one more caterpillar. But by going out of the way to try to look for it, I demonstrated that what was important to him was important, and therefore he is important to me. Even though I figured it would be very hard to find a small caterpillar in the semi-dark under the deck, the effort of caring for him and his feelings was more important than whether I thought the effort would be successful or not. Of course it was my fault this happened as well. When he looks back on the incident, he'll remember that I made a mistake and dropped the caterpillar, but he'll also remember that I cared enough for him and his feelings to go out of my way to do what I could for him.
I find that the more we say "yes" to our kids, the better. Sometimes it's very inconvenient to say "yes". Sometimes it may seem silly, or we may be busy or tired, but in saying "yes", we show that we care for them and are willing to serve them above our own wishes and desires.
I don't always respond so well in these situations, but was grateful to the Lord for this opportunity to show my son that I care for him. May the Lord grant us wisdom and strength in serving and loving our children.
I have read recently about tomato-staking. See http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/problemchild.htm for more info on this parenting technique. Also remember that I don't think we can parent based on any one philosophy but need to seek God in his wisdom for our families. BUT reading ideas like this can help.
The basics of the idea is that you keep your kids with you so that you can catch problems as they come. With a child having more particular problems you keep them VERY close to you for periods of time or all day. Anyways, at times I've been trying a mild version of tomato staking wtih some of my children. It has been helpful. Sometimes I just use it during difficult times of the day to have a child next to me who I know will typically get into trouble during that time of day.
My 2-year-old is a good example of this. It's easy for him to get in trouble before dinnertime, but he loves to be a help. I've found the perfect "job" for him to keep him busy and helpful. He loves to rip lettuce for our salad! What 2-year-old doesn't like to rip things?! We generally have a salad most meals so I will set him up with a bowl and some washed lettuce and let him rip lettuce as much as he wants. Of course we'll get an occasional whole leaf of lettuce in there or some tiny lettuce bits, but that's definitely worth the price for the peace of that time of day! He also will break big chunks of broccoli or cauliflower apart and put them in the salad.
Getting your children involved with you during those tough times of day can be the best prevention for problems. Plus you're building your relationship with them at the same time! So keep those "tomatoes" close to you so they don't fall apart and become an unproductive mess!
Today was Father's Day! I'm sure you were all aware of that long ago and well-prepared with a perfect, wonderful day for your hubby! I did realize sometime during the week this week that it would be Father's Day today. I mentioned it to my kids and one of my kids produced a card for my dh. I knew I should come up with SOMETHING nice for my dh but couldn't think of much. We're limited on $ so I knew he wouldn't want me to spend $ on anything. I also don't do the shopping!
So we went into the day with my forgetting in the morning that it was Father's Day until we were driving in the van to church. I made a lame attempt of telling him Happy Father's day a bit late and told the kids to tell him Happy Father's Day. Not a great start at honoring my dear dh!
This afternoon after we were home from church, I was sitting and looking through a book and zoning out and thinking various thoughts. I was also kind of thinking about something I could do for my dh for Father's Day. Thankfully the Lord gave me a little inspiration and I got an idea that was fun, simple and worked.
My dh had fallen asleep with a couple of the kids in the room so I decided to take each of them and interview them and video them about what they liked about daddy. I had them say something they appreciated about him or sing a song for fun or whatever. I got each of them for a quick interview.
After naptime (kids' and dh's) we hooked up the camcorder and watched their videos and then watched some other home videos from the last year. It was a good, free, fun way to celebrate him. I also did cook a little extra special supper and also did a few of the jobs he usually does for him today. So all in all, it ended better than it started and he had a good day! Hope you all enjoyed your dh's today as well!
I really like this picture. I love my husband's smile! I love my husband! The picture is so us - out for a hike with the baby in the ergo. Of course 5 other little ones running around are missing from the pic! The woods on this hike were so beautiful. The trail followed on a small ridge near the edge of a lake. It was a beautiful day and holds great memories.
After almost 13 years, I still love my husband with all my heart and am devoted to him. He completes me well, has so many awesome qualities and is a wonderful husband and dad who is very devoted to his family. Cherish those families that you have and your spouse. Look past any faults and conflicts and love and serve them. No one is perfect - I sure am not! Thank the Lord for the gifts we've been given. How blessed I am!
It's been a while since I did part one to proactive parenting (see the archives from this month). I recently read an e-mail on an e-mail group I'm on and they were talking about training our kids proactively. The basic idea is that you diliberately set up situations throughout the day to practice training. So if you're working on obedience, throughout the day you can deliberately have the kids practice obeying you at times when it isn't critical. For example, you might tell your son, "Johnny" and have him say "what mommy", and then ask him, "Please jump up and down 3x" and have him say "ok mommy" and then do it. You can practice silly things, or not silly things like having them pick up one misplaced thing. But do it regularly throughout the day. If they don't do it obediently, be prepared to discipline every time it's done incorrectly.
There are many different areas you can parent proactively in this way. You can practice self-control by placing something by someone that they would want to touch or take and tell them not to touch it. Put a cookie on the table and tell them not to touch it etc... You can train quiet in this way. One thing I've done a little of but not enough to have my kids good at it yet, is to train my kids to stop when I say stop. My goal is that when I say stop, they would stop, turn and look at me, and fold their hands. I need to work more on this one, but throughout the day you can randomly say, "stop" to them and work on this response.
If only I could be more dilligent in this kind of training! I need to work on this much more. I'm grateful for this post on my other e-mail list for this great reminder of how to train up my children dilligently each day!
