Jan. 6, 2007 - a blessing
My heart was so uplifted tonight. Here is the story........We had ladies meeting today and I went and enjoyed my time. Before I left, I had told my husband that I was in the mood to just have fun tonight. I wanted to go out, and just have a good time. So then I went to ladies meeting, and on the way home, hubby called and said that my little sister had called and ASKED if she could babysit, and we didn't have to pay her, she just wanted out of the house. So we had a babysitter and we had a gift card to APPLEBEES ~ thank you Beth!! And so off to dinner we went. We have 2 Applebees in out town and we were going to go to the closest one, and then go grocery shopping right next door. Well, we drove to the nearest one, and they were PACKED!! I mean people standing outside. So we decided to go to the one farther away to see if they were slower. And the whole time over, I was thinking this is ridiculous, we should just stay there at the closer one, and just wait, cuz everywhere is going to be busy at 6:00 on Sat. night. Well, we kept driving and we got there, and it was only a 15 min wait, and as we waited my sister called, and I talked to her, and all of a sudden, the crowd sort of parted and there waiting for a table was a couple who has just started attending our church, so we went over and talked to them, and we ended up eating w/ them. We had such a great time! I know of this girl from when we were in high school, and we would play opposite each other in volleyball, but not much else. But it was so nice to just sit and talk to a new couple in our church. They seem really excited about coming, and they plan on coming tomorrow morning. They have been there the past 2 Sundays. I hope that we made them feel more at ease and not so nervous about coming to a new church. After we left, I was just amazed at how the Lord directed our whole evening. By literally throwing a babysitter at us, and kicking us out of our house, to leading us to the restaraunt we were to be at. And to have such a blessing on top of it all. God is good! By the way.....Beth, God used you in this evening. B/c of your generosity, we were able to go. I truly hope that the Lord blesses you for it. I know it has filled my heart!
Jan. 5, 2007 - I feel
like I am slowly loosing whatever grounding I had as a mother. When my kids were born, I feel as if I was the worst mother ever. I wouldn't go back to that time for anything. Then things started to click in my mind, and I felt like I could do this mother thing. I still had my days, but I felt like I had a hold on something, and I was getting through being a mother. But now, things have changed. I feel myself slipping back into a time when I can't handle anything. I want to yell and scream at the drop of a hat, at anything. I don't want the kids around me at all. I want to loose myself in my own little cloud. And b/c I feel that way, then I feel guilty and it makes me feel like I am even a worse mother. I mean what kind of a mother doesn't want to be around her kids, doesn't want to hear about what is important in their day. But that is how I feel. And I feel alone. I'm sorry, I can't look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a good mother 5 times daily and then believe it. I feel like I am everything about my mom that I hated as a child. I make Maddie in particular feel the way that my mother made me feel as a child. I felt like she never wanted me around, she never wanted to spend time w/ me, that I was just an annoyance. And it kills me that Maddie could ever feel that way, but that is what I am doing, and how do I brake that chain? I have tried to give it to God, I have watched them as they slept, and sworn that the next day would be different, I would read them books, and enjoy spending time w/ them, and make the most out of my day. But the next day comes, and I do everything I can to push them away, to get them out of my hair, so I can have some peace and quiet (which never really come anyway) just to be burried w/ the guilt then that I carry. But I do feel alone. I feel a silence that seems almost overwhelming to me. From everything. I feel lost, and disassociated (sp?) from my world around me. I miss my friends. I miss me. The me that I used to be. But now seems burried somewhere under pounds and pounds of fat. The me that I lost it seems when I had kids. Motherhood is such a hard thing. It is the most self less thing that I have ever done. But the problem that lies w/ me, I fear, is that I am still so selfish, I don't want to give them all of me. What is it that I am afraid of, of, being rejected, of not being loved for me and all my stupidness? I know that the old me is lost, and I need to come to grips w/ this person that I have become, and change the things that I don't like about me, but that rode is hard, and it seems that most days I don't have energy to even function right (which I haven't been lately) how can I do something so hard? Who knows, maybe I should just delete this whole thing, and take a shower, and hope that tomorrow will be better, and.....and what?
Jan. 4, 2007 - WARNING~ major whining!!
this post has been coming for a few days now. And I don't really know where to start. My thoughts are all jumbled inside. I have a lot of different feelings and none of them connect w/ each other. I feel fat. And the worst thing is that I don't just feel like Oh I am bloated today, things will look better tomorrow. I think that I am come to a point where I really have to do something about it. I know that I need to, but I don't want to. I am happy eating. Okay, maybe not happy, but it covers my problems.....makes me less bored. Yes, I AM A STRESS/BORED eater. They do say admission is the 1st step to recovery right?!? I feel so fat, that I don't want hubby to look at me naked, much less touch my grotesque stomach. And it isn't just my stomach I hate. It is my whole body, I am beginning to notice a little shelf, or a slide or something on my thighs. To be honest, the reason why I am feeling this way, other then that I am fat. Was revently we saw an old family friend that we haven't seen in a while, and even my husband commented about how she has gained weight. And the thing is, I see me in her. When she was my age, she looked like me, and now that she is a little older, she hasn't taken care of herself, and she has let herself "go." I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE ME!!!!!! I don't want to look at myself 10 yrs, heck even 4 yrs down the road and think "Man, what have I done?" So the ? is....what am I going to do about it? Am I going to sit here complaining or am I going to do something about it, and change my body, and change my life? I don't want to be sitting at the pool this summer feeling like a whale. Have you ever looked at yourself naked and thought, man I look like I am 6 months pregnant?? AND YOUR NOT PREGNANT!! Well that is what I look like. NO JOKE!
Jan. 4, 2007 - please
Pray for me. I feel so impatient lately. There are so many different stresses going on in my days lately, and I feel the need to just lash out. But I don't want to because it is no one's fault that all this is going on. I feel like someone could be doing this and that, and that would make things easier, but I don't want to lash out at them either. Just pray that I speak my mind in love, and keep my patience.
Dec. 29, 2006 - belated dinner
So my parents took us out for dinner tonight! It was really nice, we of course went to my fav rest. Monicals!!! It was a nice time. They said that it was for my b-day but I think that they knew I was bummed about not going to visit Erica. So we did that and then came home and watched the stupidest movie EVER!! Taladaga nights. Don't waste your time! Anyway, it's off to bed. BTW.....the candle still hasn't been lit!
Dec. 29, 2006 - sooooo
We didn't end up going to Hoopeston to see my friend Erica. And I am really bummed. There are lots of reasons why, but the main thing is that we didn't think that it was the wisest thing to do looking at our money situation. We kept thinking well....what if this happens or what if that happens, and we didn't want to be stranded somewhere w/out any money. So wisdom won out and we stayed home. Maturing sure sucks!!! Anyway, we have just had a quiet day at home. This kids are watching Curious George for the 4th time and are getting a little restless. Where are yah TJ??
Dec. 27, 2006 - The House
This is Maddie's new barbie house!! She came home f/ grandma's house so she could play w/ it!
Dec. 26, 2006 - you'll never believe it!
So hubby had to to go church today and fix a toilet that was clogged. And while he was up there, the Pastor asked him to go to another lady's house and fix her sink. So he did, and she was making small talk w/ him and in the process of talking she asked him if the kids got everything they wanted, and he said that Maddie really wanted a Barbie house. And she said that they have one that her daughter never plays w/ and she gave it to him!!!!!!! This thing is awesome! It sort of looks like the white house but it's of course pink! It's got pillars and it's 2 story and you can drive her barbie car through the car port. Let me tell you............God supplies. And it came w/ furniture!! I was so sad that we just couldn't get a house for her, and he took care of the need. Something as simple as a Barbie house. So if he will take care of something that insignifigant, then why wouldn't he take care of all of our needs?!?!? God is good.
Dec. 26, 2006 - God is good
So it seems that our life is evolving around this whole job loss thing. My friend since birth who lives in cali is here for 2 weeks and we have been planning on visiting each other(she is 4 hrs away) after christmas. Well since DH lost his job, we didn't want to waste the gas money to go. Well she had been planning on possibly flying me to Cali and now she said that she would pay the gas money to get me down there instead. She just wants to see me. (It's nice to be missed) And since hubby is off he will get to go to (if he wants) It is an answer to paryer. I prayed that if I were supposed to go, then God would work out the details, cuz I was dying to see her. And it seems as if he did. You can not know how grateful I am. God is good, may we never forget it.
Dec. 25, 2006 - I failed
I don't think that you can understand how BAD I feel right now. We got #2 a race track for Christmas. And #1 had mentioned that she had wanted a barbie house. We looked at them and the one that I wanted was $120, and since dh lost his job, we decided to not get it, but maybe look someplace else for something different. Well we never found one. And when we were opening up presents at Grandma's she kept thinking that the one she was opening was her Barbie house. And at the end of the night she said....but I asked for a barbie house ( I know it sounds selfish, but she is 5!!) Well, then when we were putting this race track together last night ( we put it together and left it out) this thing is HUGE!! It is longer then he is!! And the only present that we left out for her was a polly pocket backpack thing. I felt sooooo bad, and then this morning, she definatly noticed that a barbie house wasn't there, she asked if we were going to open more today. She keeps hoping that a barbie house will appear and it isn't, and her liitle heart will be crushed! And I want to cry b/c I feel like I failed this!!
Dec. 24, 2006 - puppet
I am a puppet on a string
Dec. 24, 2006 - Christmas
I have been thinking about what I want to write now for a couple of days. I have so many different thoughts running through my head. They range from seflish thoughts to thoughts of overwhelming gratitiude, to utter despare. Jeremy found out on Wed. that he lost his job again. He is a plumber and there slow time is in the winter. We have been fortunate and we haven't had to endure a winter w/ out work. I am afraid that this will be out 1st one. I know that God will take care of our needs and we will be okay, but we have just been starting to dig our way out of our whole that we were in. It's like we can never have extra we just always have to be just getting by. We are in better shape this year then we were last year, and I am grateful. I am thankful that he had this last week and a half of work, b/c of that, we were able to buy some presents, not a lot, but enough. I am thankful. I know that God is in control over all this. I know that, and i know that he is going to take care of us. I KNOW that. He proved it to me. I have been looking for the movie Robin Hood for my son. I looked everwhere for it. Everyplace was sold out. Yesterday, I had been done my Christmas shopping, and I went home, and I forgot oven cleaner, so I tredged back to Wal-mart, (My not so favorite place these days) and I felt compelled to go look at the movies, even though the other wal-mart said that they don't carry Robin Hood, but I went and looked, and low and behold, on the bottom shelf where it shouldn't have been was Robin Hood, I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe that God had placed it there. I was so thankful. I just have to remember next time that my crazy thoughts get the best of me and I try to figure out where we are going to get money or I just get scared, I have to realize that God knows, and he isn't going to leave us.
Random thoughts......
This is obviously Christmas. And my b-day is coming up. 27 is what I will be on the 27th. My golden b-day. I really hate my b-day. I always have, for as long as I remember I have always felt like this around my b-day. I always feel just a little pushed to the side, it's a little rushed, a little to much work after the hustle and bustle of christmas. It's just one more thing to check off the list one more thing to get through. I always had a little family party, but my mother never let me have a big one.....you know no money after Christmas and all. I remember that my sister on her 13th b-day had a "big" party. (big to a 9 yr old' vantage point) and my mom said that when I turned 13 I would be able to have one, well 13 cam e and went and I was never able to have one, it was always to much work. I just always felt a little pushed to the side. SHe always did something, but you know how that something is, when you through something together b/c you feel like you have to, just enough to get by and say that you did something. Even still, my husband does it. And it's not all his fault, we are in the same boat my parents were in. No money, so nothing special. It always comes a month later just so you can say that you got something. Maybe I sound so greedy and so selfish, and I am sorry if that is what it sounds like. But this is something that really hurts me. For those of you who have husbands that acknowledge important dates, enjoy it, revel in it.
More thoughts.....
My inlaws, and my parents talked a couple years ago, and they set it up so that every christmas eve, we would be w/ the inlaws and every christmas day, we would be w/ my parents. They were both okay w/ that that is what they wanted. The inlaws they haven't said anything but every year they always ask when are we doing Christmas, and we always say christmas eve. Well they both work in retail, and both have to work on christmas eve. My FIL just called and said that we are going to order pizza f/ pizza hut tonight for our Christmas dinner. Pizza Hut. for Christmas dinner. They are great inlaws, I definatly could have gotten so much worse. But this just all goes back to my feelings of doing something just to say that you did it, just enough to get by. Feeling just a little below everyone.
I always wonder if my feelings are valid. I wonder if I am being selfish b/c I feel a certain way. I feel like I am the one wrong b/c I feel bad, or hurt, that I am just being selfish and not being grateful for what I have. I hope that isn't the case.
I love Christmas and I hate Christmas.
Dec. 8, 2006 - update
So Jeremy went to the hall today to sign the books and he called me and said that he will be starting work on Mon. A boss f/ another company heard that Jeremy was available and called and asked for him. SO HURRAY!!!!!!
Dec. 8, 2006 - Psalm 81:10
I am the Lord thy God, which brought the out of the land of Egypt: open thy mouth wide and I will fill it.
This verse was in my devotions this morning. I know that God has all of this under control and he will take care of us.
Dec. 7, 2006 - da bomb
So we got a bomb dropped on us today. Jeremy got layed off from his job. His boss said that they are shutting down the outside work for the winter, and he no longer has a job. YIKES!! I have no doubt that God has all this in his control. I just don't understand why, and I am going to try and not ask. But the old Baptist guilt is kicking in and I am wondering if this is because of something we did. Maybe if we would have went to church the past 2 weeks this wouldn't have happened.
Dec. 1, 2006 - the not so perfect christmas tree
My favorite thing to do at Christmas time is to go pick out the perfect christmas tree. The smell.....oh I LOVE the smell. SO we decided to go on this adventure last night. We picked out the perfect tree, and brought it home. Hubby put it up, and we( I mean I) put up the lights and the ribbon and the decorations. Then we sit back and smell the smells and enjoy looking at the beautiful lights. So by now it's getting late, and we decide to go to bed. Lights out, house silent, finally peaceful sleep. But wait.....CRASH!!! Down goes the christmas tree, ornaments, lights, ribbon and all. We run in the living room, water is all over the carpet, soaking the carpet, glass is all over the place f/ the ornaments, and my beautiful perfect christmas tree is now not so perfect. By now it is to late to try and fix it, so we lean it against the wall and wait till the next day and hope it doesn't fall again. We have been working on it now for a while and it will not stay put. It keeps falling down! And the most frustrating thing is that hubby isn't in to much of a hurray to fix it. He says that he doesn't know how to so, we wait for it to fall again!!! And in the mean time, I want to scream!!!!!!!! Stay tuned to updates on my tail of the not so perfect tree.
Nov. 27, 2006 - Blessing
If you read my last post, you will know that my inlaws house got broken into. The amazing thing is that the police have recovered the stuff that was stolen! They found it laying behind a tree next to another house that got broken into. I am so happy for them.
Nov. 25, 2006 - Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a time for gathering w/ your family and eating and sharing what you are thankful for. Well we did all that, but when we got home we got a phone call f/ my MIL, and she told us that while they were gone, their house got broken into. They just took a crow bar to the front door and walked in. They left the patio door standing wide open. Thankfully the robbers didn't destroy there house, or hurt the dog, but they took my MIL's jewelry, her wedding ring( my FIL had gotten her a new diamond last Christmas) an anniversary ring , some diamond chips, they took my FIL's cologne. COLOGNE of all things!! They got into a hope chest and took a purse that had belonged to my SIL who died about 10 yrs ago. I just felt so bad for them. I can't imagine how she feels. That is her home, her place to feel safe, and someone violated that. I don't live there and I feel violated. I know that this kind of stuff happens all the time, every day all over the country, but when it happens to someone you know, it means a whole lot more.
Nov. 25, 2006 - I've been tagged
Sorry that it has taken me so long to do this post. I have been extremely busy and haven't been on the computer lately. But here goes....
13 things that I love about my husband
1. He is a hard worker. He never calls in sick to work even if he feels like crap
2. He loves his family
3. He is the best dad
4. He loves me
5. He helps me around the house
6. He wants to do what is right
7. He likes to have fun
8. He makes me laugh
9. He is supportive
10. He is loving
11. He shares
12. He is kind
13. He is good w/ other peoples kids
that is harder then you might think
Nov. 11, 2006 - love
I am in love w/ my husband. For no other reason then being in love w/ him.
