Dec. 21, 2008 - Anger in Kids

Dec. 17, 2008 - Ways That Anger Gets Provoked in Our Children

Dec. 15, 2008 - Steps to Defuse Anger in Parenting - Part Two

The second step to defusing anger is to renew your mind and heart. God says in Romans 12:2: “Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Renew your mind by meditating on His Word. A new refreshing renewal comes when we wash ourselves with the Water of the Word.  Here are the verses that I wrote out on index cards and taped them on my bathroom mirror:  

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:26-27; 31-32.

“But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” Colossians 3:8

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

When you are tempted to anger, PRAY!! Pray the above Bible verses. God tells us that His Word will not be return void.

When temptation comes, speak to yourself the same words that Jesus spoke, “For it is written, 'YOU SHALL WORSHIP THE LORD YOUR GOD, AND SERVE HIM ONLY.'"

The third step is to realize what pushes the hot buttons. For example, frustrations on not getting things done, unfulfilled expectations, not getting your way, etc. are some of the things that pushed my hot buttons. I have heard of many hot buttons over the three years I spent in counseling women. The point is, find yours and stay alert!! Give up these expectations and frustrations and replace them with God’s control. "My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him." Psalms 62:5.

Do not allow a brief outburst of anger take root. The first flash of emotion isn’t sin in itself however, if we continue or “entertain” such an emotion by allowing it to take root in our minds and heart, it becomes SIN.

“When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him].” Ephesians 4:26-27

God’s grace is great! When you “blow it” make things right with the offended person as quickly as person. Make every effort to keep communications lines open by lovingly, and prayerfully explaining how you feel. The offended person will most likely be receptive. Your tone of voice and your body language is very important.

God says: “A SOFT answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise utters knowledge rightly, but the mouth of the [self-confident] fool pours out folly.” Proverbs 15:1-2.

Dec. 15, 2008 - Steps to Defuse Anger in Parenting - Part One

The ones closest to us are the ones who see most of our unguarded moments, especially the children whom we spend all day with. We should conclude that offenses can happen and some do exist.

The first step in defusing anger as a parent is to realize that there is an issue. Recognize anger for what it REALLY is… do not excuse it for anything less, such as being irritated, sad, worried, frustrated, discouraged, annoyed or even depressed.

Ask your spouse and children to identify anything that you need to make right with them. It is very important that you listen to them without getting defensive. I will tell you from experience that this is hard. PRIDE will fight you every step of the way! At an appropriate time, ask for forgiveness. If forgiveness does not come quickly, it’s okay. Be patient and loving and allow God to work on their heart- and yours.

Principle:  “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Romans 12:18 (NASB)

The key to receiving God’s blessing and strength is humility. God says: “…My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14. (NASB)

Let me share with you what the Lord told me.

“My people who are called by MY name”… yes, that was me.

“humble themselves…” God says I have to humble myself? Humbling myself in this situation would be to go to those (spouse, children, parents, etc…) who I have offended and ask for forgiveness.

“Pray and seek MY face”…. I repented. I went to God and admitted my sin of anger and asked God to forgive me.

“turn from their wicked ways…” Let me say this: If TRUE repentance happens then I will not return to this sin. Now, I questioned this statement that was made by my Pastor.

The Lord revealed something to me (from my past). There was another sin in my life I dealt with years ago. I knew it was sin, but I couldn’t stop sinning. I enjoyed it. Then afterwards then I would repent and before I knew I was doing it again. The Lord revealed to me I was only going through the MOTION. Although, I repented by my mouth, it wasn’t in my heart. I was going through the actions, but I really didn’t mean it until one day. I just couldn’t go on the way any more. I fell on my knees cried out in agony to Him. At that moment, I felt something… it was as if that sin was ripped out of me. I got up off the floor and never went back to that sin. Beloved - that was true repentance. That was me turning from my wicked ways.

At that point, God “heard from heaven and forgave me of my sins.”

“heal my land.” Land doesn’t necessarily means property but it could be my health, my family, my marriage, my job, my finances, my relationship with my children, etc… When it comes to things like this, I do NOT put my God in a box. My God can heal all things.

According to Andrew Murray, "Humility, the place of entire dependence upon God, is . . . the first duty and the highest virtue of man. It is the root of every virtue. And so pride, or the loss of this humility, is the root of every sin and evil."

Once we have humbled ourselves by confessing the angry spirit; then ask the Holy Spirit for success in this area before moving on to the next step.

Dec. 15, 2008 - Teaching Children How To Manage Their Anger

Anger can lead to full-blown rebellion in children. Lou Priolo lists five steps to destruction in his book, The Heart of Anger:

              I.      A wounded spirit – feeling “hurt”.

           II.      Bitterness – Ponder on an offense over and over in mind, refusing to overlook or forgive.

         III.      Anger – the pervasive kind that is characteristic of a child’s personality.*

        IV.      Stubbornness – being “pig-headed” at parental efforts to correct.

           V.      Rebellion – the final stage of being the kind of fool described in Proverbs. (Click here)

*= This kind of anger is what God warns dads against provoking.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4 (NASB)           

During a child’s informative years, we should not expect the child to be able to manage their anger well. Young children usually vent their angry in one of two ways:

            Verbally – yelling name calling, sticking out tongue, screaming, claims “I hate you”

            Physical – throwing things, biting, pinching, kicking, hitting, etc.

Verbal anger issues are easier to deal with, more so than physical anger.

Physical anger outburst should never be tolerated. The child needs to be able to understand early off that this kind of behavior will have consequences. Help the child to settle down by separating him from whatever is provoking the anger within him. When he’s calmed down, then biblically solve the problem together.

A toddler throwing a ‘temper tantrum’ needs to be taught self-control early in life. He needs to learn to give up his “own way” to follow God’s way.  

The best way to defuse the anger within the child is to prevent it from being built in the first place.

Research has been done where it shows that ‘lack of love’ as a child increased anger and behavioral issues within a child. Every day make a point to look your child in their eyes and tell them you love them and give them a hug. Make sure they get plenty of love.

For the older children, monitor who they hang out with. Discourage your children from hanging around friends who have anger problems. God tells us: "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself." (Prov. 22:24-25).

When your child becomes angry due to an offense against him, teach him the principle in Matthew 18:15-17.

“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

STEPS:

1. Teach your child to discuss respectfully an anger problem with the offending person, even if it is you.
2. If the offender refuses to listen, then take 2 or 3 witnesses to resolve the problem.
3. If unable to resolve the conflict peacefully, then the child should bring it to the attention of the parents (if they aren’t the offenders)
4. Teach the principle nor to take vengeance for self. For God says in Romans 12:19, to “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.

Children will need to learn through this that “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

In closing, remember to focus on the problem, not the person; expect children to act like children.

Proverbs 22:!5 says that foolishness is bound up the hearts of children so don’t be too surprised if it happens. Kids will be kids. View each situation as training grounds for Christ.

Romans 8:28 does state that “… we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

Dec. 14, 2008 - Anger

No emotion is more destructive to human relationships than anger. I read an article that stated that one counselor reported that 50% of his clients who came in for anger issues had problems in dealing with anger. Anger is a strong emotion. It can shatter communication and tear down your house. It will drain the joy and love out of your home quickly. Majority of the time, people will try to "justify" their anger instead of dealing with it, and this could be dangerous.

Jesus made teaching about anger control an important part of his ministry. He made the point to say “that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.” (Matt 5:22), and that if “your brother has something against you… be reconciled” (Matt 5:23) with them immediately. The Lord tells us “love our enemies” (Matt 5:44), even those we are angry with and those who have gotten angry with us. We shouldn’t carry anger in our hearts. To love them, we must first forgive them using the means by which we get rid of anger.

In Ephesians 4: 26-32, Paul gives us practical rules for managing our anger:

“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:26-32

Most of us have experienced anger from one time or another, but we do not know much about it. Let us look at anger as another emotion that we experience, and how we can manage it through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Dec. 13, 2008 - Anger Cycle

Dec. 1, 2008 - Scriptures to Overcome Anger

Colossians 3:8 - But now  you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

Colossians 3:21 - Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 - Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Ephesians 4:26 - In your anger do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

Ephesians 4:31-32 - Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Hebrews 10:30 - For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people."

James 1:19,20 - My dear brothers, take note of this.  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Psalm 30:5 - For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 37:8 - Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil.

Psalm 145:8 - The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

Romans 12: 19-21 - Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.  On the contrary:  "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Nehemiah 9:17 - They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them.  They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery.  But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.  Therefore you did not desert them.

Matthew 5:22 - "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.  Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin.  But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell."

Proverbs 14:17 - A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated.

Proverbs 15:1-  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:18 - A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

Proverbs 16:32 - Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

Proverbs 19:11 - A man's wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 21:19 - Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

Proverbs 22:24-25 -  Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.

Proverbs 27:4 - Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy.

Proverbs 29:22 - An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.

Jan. 17, 2007 - Anger Provoked By Having Double Standards

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:9

Being only a ‘hearer’ of the Word, and not a ‘doer’ often says "Do as I SAY — not as I DO" or expects this from their spouse and children to perform. Requiring such performance according to OUR standard is Phariseeism – that is what our Lord HATES!

“Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, saying: "The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses; therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them. They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger.” Matthew 23:1-4

A pastor used this as an example of hypocrisy at a parenting conference: If you are yelling at your kids on the way to church, then wave and smile at people in the parking lot, the kids will resent it. So you need to either START yelling at the people at church or STOP yelling at your kids.

". . . ye . . . outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity." Matthew. 23:28

Another kind of double standards is showing favoritism by having different rules for different children. I have seen this to be very common in step-families.

". . . the wisdom that is from above is . . . without partiality, and without hypocrisy." James 3:17

God's way: "Those things, which ye have both learned and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace will be with you" Phil. 4:9.

Jan. 17, 2007 - Anger Provoked By Having Inconsistent Discipline

When we continue to overlook their wrongdoings only reinforces sinful habits in us and our children. An example would be punishing the child one day for hitting his sister and then the following week let it go. Another example could be when parents do not agree on the same standards: one parent yells while the other spanks for the same ‘offense’.

God says: "Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil" (Eccl. 8:11).

To be fair, children should be trained to obey right away, not when they feel like it.

Delayed obedience is disobedience!

When correction is given quickly, they are more likely to "get the picture" that such behavior is not tolerated or profitable to them.

Jan. 17, 2007 - Anger Provoked By Consistently Being Disciplined in Anger

Children are provoked to anger by consistently being disciplined in anger. I am reminded of a story of a five year old girl who had anger issues. She was so frustrated she took it out on her baby. She had not other channel to release her anger. Come to find out, her father was a very angry man and he was the disciplinarian in the home.

God says: ". . . the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God" (James 1:20).

The following quote gives us an excellent example of this verse:

“Why do you become angry at your family members when they don’t respond to you? Why do you get angry at the kids when they don’t pick up their room, mow the lawn, or dry the dishes properly? Anger expressed by yelling at a son who does not mow the lawn carefully does not teach him how to do it correctly. Angry words directed to a sloppy daughter do not teach her how to be neat. Step-by-step instruction (even if it has been given before) can help solve the problem.” ~ H. Norman Wright

When we first start to get angry, we should look at our motives. Is the offense against ME or against GOD? We should teach our children that sin is first an offense against God. God HATES sin. As a result, children must learn how to confess their sins by name, ask the offended person and God for forgiveness and then ask the Holy Spirit for victory in this area.

“BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” Eph. 4:26-27

Jan. 17, 2007 - Anger Provoked By NOT Having Marital Harmony

Children are provoked to anger by not having marital harmony within the home.

Children aren’t stupid. They know when there is disunity between parents. Failure to agree on biblical standards of behavior and how to correct disobediences is an example of disharmony.  Most of the time, one is overly strict while the other is too lenient to make up for the harshness. The idea is to create balance, the uptight spouse needs to lighten up with the lenient spouse should toughen up.

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

“Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled” Hebrews 12:15

Discord in the family begins when a husband and wife violates God’s command to become “one flesh.” When spouses do not pursue peace by arguing with one another in front of the children is an example of marital discord. Disagreements are best left to be discussed in private using God’s principles. If we don’t, many are defiled.

Establish simple rules together such as Non-negotiable of Biblical commands (no stealing, hitting lying, cheating, etc.) and House rules rooted in biblical principles. Here is a copy of our House Rules. You may use this only as a guideline to prayerfully considering your own copy through Christ Jesus.

Jan. 17, 2007 - Anger Provoked By Modeling Anger

Children are provoked to anger by modeling anger… this was an eye opener for me. The Lord took me through several parenting classes, one right after another. Each time, He revealed an area that He need to work with me on, and this was one of them. I yelled so much, that my girls began mimicking my bad habit. 

The Lord revealed to me once when my daughters begin yelling at each other. At the time, they shared a room together and it seemed that they were constantly against each other. I asked the Lord what I could do, and then He began to show me my own anger. I never thought I had an issue until the Lord open my eyes by seeing it in my girls. Looking back, I had added a brick to the emotional wall that my eldest daughter had built up between us. This greatly hindered her ability to receive proper training and further instruction in this area, until the Lord opened her eyes.

If we respond in anger, so will our children. God says… “Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.” Proverbs 22:24-25