From the moment I heard the word "homeschooling" I felt a small fire light inside me. Always an outsider, I felt that homeschooling was my unfulfilled destiny. I told my mom I felt that I had been homeschooled because every important thing I ever learned came from my intellectual and cultured oddball parents.
I first became aware of homeschooling through my friend, fellow blogger rachaelc, who became my dearest friend throughout high school and the rest of life to this very day. I even interviewed her for an article I wrote on homeschooling for the high school magazine. So, homeschooling has been in my plans for a good 14 years. I knew that I was going to give my children the education I should have had.
But of course, as John Lennon once sang "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." Marriage and children didn't solve my problems, but they served as a magnifying glass to my flaws. Depression and anxiety are a constant battle for me, along with organization. Adding a third child threw me into an upheaval. The pregnancy was difficult, I was babysitting a little boy who was very hard to manage, and I felt overwhelmed.
I became convinced that homeschooling was not in my future. For starters, every time I thought about researching it I felt sick. I couldn't get motivated. My eldest son and I butt heads constantly. I never have time to do anything. I was rapidly losing my confidence. I was losing my mind.
My husband noticed my fragility and we decided to send my boys to preschool. The eldest would go three times a week, and the youngest would go once a week. We are nearing the end of the year now.
This experiment has been a complete success. It has made me realize that what I really want to do is homeschool. Preschool was by no means a negative experience, but it feels very foreign to me. I am the type of person who needs to experience things to get the full understanding, and this is what I have learned about myself.
1. Living according to someone else's schedule does not help me. I had visions of having tons of free time. Instead, I spend most of the time my son is at preschool nursing the baby and putting in a movie for my other son. I have just enough time to rush through my errands, or rush through my chores, but because I have to keep driving to and fro I really don't have large blocks of time to get things done.
2. I have no time to spend doing fun things with my kids because I am living according to the school's schedule. I am paying people to do things with my kids that I actually enjoy doing myself, and I could probably do better.
3. I enjoy being in charge of my children's choices, and not having to explain them. I seemed to be the only person at preschool who had to sign a vaccination waver, or who provided juice so my kids wouldn't drink red Kool-Aid. It can be tiring to live in one world when your convictions place you in another.
4. The days my kids missed school due to weather were my favorite days. I wasn't running around exhausting myself, I got a lot done and I got to spend time with my favorite people.
5. I am not a 9-5 person, yet my whole life I have been told I need to acclimate myself to this world. This can be true, but it is also true that there is room in the world for all kinds of people. As a freelance writer, I can move in the business world and in my own circle. I need to have the freedom to parent this way as well. I try to make sure we are on time to planned activities, but with three little unpredictable children I prefer having some flexibility in my daily life.
The other day I caught my eldest putting Spiderman stickers up and down the wall of the staircase. I redirected his efforts and suggested we make cards. He made an Easter card for his friend Matthew. I cut out the shape of an egg, and he put eleven Spiderman stickers on the outside. He dictated a message for the inside. "Happy Easter Matthew. Learn about God. You must get an Easter Egg." Of course, being me I entirely forgot to take it to church on Sunday. Jarvis decided to mail the card. Usually I would balk at this...there is something inside me that completely rebels against mailing things. Normally I would have just preferred to wait and take it the next Sunday. But I realized this was a teachable moment suddenly nothing became more interesting to me than taking my kids to the post office. I actually looked forward to running this errand.
On a school day, I would have been irritable and rushed through. I might have even just locked the car and run in. More likely I would have asked my husband to just mail the things for me. But knowing that I had an opportunity to teach my son lit a fire in my heart that I hadn't felt in a long time. We spent a good 10 minutes just walking around the building talking about everything we saw. We noticed that they had Marvel Comic stamps and decided to buy some (this was completely unnessesary, but I really wanted him to enjoy his trip. It felt important.)
After the tour Jarvis walked straight up to the counter and announced "I have two words to tell you. Number 1, I need to mail a card to my friend Matthew. Number 2, I need to buy a Spiderman Stamp." The man behind the counter was very kind and even gave my kiddos some Star Wars "stickers" cut from the tops of stamp sheets that had been used up.
Something about walking into that building with three kids in tow, one on my back and one holding each hand, felt positively organic to me. As I walked and talked I felt I was living my real life. And I feel that way when we cuddle on the recliner before nap time reading a few pages from the Childcraft encyclopedia and a chapter of Little House in the Big Woods or Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. I know I will still struggle with depression from time to time. But somehow I feel that fullfiling this destiny will give me strength in a way that following status quo never could.
Comments
Mar. 26, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by rachaelc
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Mar. 27, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Jenni
Thanks for sharing; As another home educatin' mom of 5..I totally could relate to a lot of what you wrote.
Mar. 28, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
another great blog from Kate! xo, love Heather CROQ
Mar. 31, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
Neat!
~kristen
Apr. 7, 2008 - Love your blog Kate
Posted by Anonymous
Thanks for sharing with such honesty! I am sure that every home school parent to be feels the same uncertainties and inadequate abilities! What an awesome responsibility! Yet... as you settle into your "organic joy" of seeing this as a fulfillment of mothering.. those who read your blog will also find confidence to enjoy this opportunity and privilege.
You are such a gifted and talented writer, besides being an awesome Mother and remarkable person!
Love you and honored to know you,
Switching Granny
Apr. 14, 2008 - Sometimes I forget
Posted by kcmyworld
to seize those teachable moments. Seems there's always something pressing to attend to. Way to go for recognizing the value in taking extra time in the post office.
Robin