Ya'll are in for a treat....sort of.  Big D, my husband and partner in crime, is allowing me to show you the world premiere of his first-ever rap video!  He is all about helping me try to win Funniest Homeschool Blog.  He is sweet, generous, and I only had to scratch his back for thirty minutes for the exclusive rights to show this footage.

OK, a few things you should know about the video before viewing....

1. Big D does not make a living musically.  Three years ago, on his 35th birthday, a friend of ours who has a recording studio, allowed D to record a rap single for posterity or something.  That is the music you hear in the video.  The rapping and beat-boxing are all Big D.  The music and special effects are heard courtesy of Scott Dotta and the Retro Room.
2. This video was made for an upcoming Christmas party for the large physical therapy company that Big D works for.  The four women that you see are actually his business office employees.  The African American gentlemen that you see is a homeless man that they met by the railroad tracks in Nashville where they were filming. 
3. You really are seeing the premiere.  This will be viewed by over 600 people on Saturday evening, but you are first, you lucky dogs!
4. Big D did not use a stunt double.  He really can do the worm.  His back has been somewhat of a mess this week, but he can do it.   Don't worry too much, though.  Remember he works for a physical therapy company, and he'll be promptly lectured after the showing of this video about proper back care/health.

And now, allow me to introduce,  (insert drumroll...) Big D: Closet MC....

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My head and my heart have been playing heads-or-tails this morning, and my heart finally won the best out of five rounds.

I was recently nominated for

in the Funniest Blog category.  My heart was telling me to do a blog entry about this, and my head was telling me that was stupid.  I was distracted all morning with this argument between my vital organs, so I finally told them to shut up, and I started flipping the quarter.

My heart wants to not only tell you about this honor but to also ask for your votes if I've ever made you smile, laugh, cry, have a headache, wish you were dead or shoot a beverage out of your nose.  My heart wants the prizes.  My heart wants the fame and glory.  My heart will offer you a monetary bribe if you will vote for me.  My heart has a lot in common with Jack Sparrow's.

My head thinks this entire thing is a waste of time.  My head wants me to blog about other things....or to at least fold the laundry.  My head knows that my blog is not as funny as some of the other nominees.  My head knows I can't afford bribery.  My head also knows that I will not win because I have a history of always being a nominee, but not often a winner....

The first thing I ever remember being nominated for was fourth grade class president.  I won.  I've always had this sort of flagrant, over-the-top way with words, and I convinced my fourth grade classmates that they had no choice but to put me in office.  Around January or February these same classmates started asking our teacher if we could have another election.  I was in danger of being impeached!

In eighth grade I was nominated by our homeroom to be our student council representative.  Later, obviously forgetting about my former political failures and degradation, I ran for student council president.  Obviously eighth graders are a little more discerning than fourth graders and my wily verbiage lost to a boy with cute dimples, who was more popular than I.

A little later that year my homeroom again nominated me for Valentine queen.  This time I had some competition for the nomination and lost to the girlfriend of the student council president.  I guess they were our middle school power couple.  She ended up losing overall though.  I can't even remember who won the whole shebang, which tells you something about eighth grade honors.

For eighth grade superlatives I was nominated for two categories:  Most Athletic and Biggest Flirt.  I knew I wouldn't win Most Athletic.  I only played softball, and I wore green mascara to all the games because it matched my jersey.  I tried really hard to win Biggest Flirt, but much to my parents' relief, lost the honor.

Fast forward a few years to Senior Superlatives, and I was nominated in my homeroom for Best Eyes.  I didn't make the finals, which was just as well, since I thought it was all a big joke.  I have terrible vision, but I was too vain to wear my glasses, so I walked around squinting all the time.

So, you can see, where my head is coming from.  I just don't stand a chance.  And even though my heart won the coin toss, don't listen to it.  I can't pay you a dime for your votes.  Still, if you want to prove my head wrong, voting lasts until the 15th of this month.  Besides there are some tremendous blogs over there to vote for and explore.

And, thanks, by the way, for those who nominated me.  Seriously, that is the greatest honor of all.

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When I first realized that I had been hit with this same tag three different times (by icecastle, Crossview, and byourlove1) in about a week, I was flattered that people would be so interested in my answers.  But then it hit me....the tag is about weirdness.  I'm supposed to list 7 weird and/or random things about myself.  I was just an easy target.  I am so open about my apparent weirdness that people just naturally flocked to my blog to see what I would say that would make them feel better about their own idiosyncrasies.

Well, I'm just not gonna' do it.  I have already proved my weirdness here in abundance and then again here.  This time I'm doing this on my own terms.  I am going to prove that I am just as normal as the next blogger.  I am going to list 7 random facts that make me ordinary, plain, boring, everyday, girl-next-door, normal.  Stop laughing, Debbles....I can do this.

1.  I like pizza. 

See, everyone likes pizza, right?  But hold the meat, and keep it thin crust.  Not a lot of grease on there.  Oh, and slap some fresh tomato slices on it while you're at it.  Now sprinkle it with some fresh herbs.  Perfectly normal.

2.  One of my favorite movies of all time is Robin Hood:  Prince of Thieves . 

Now that is very normal.  That was a blockbuster movie back in the day, starring Kevin Costner no less.  But actually, I'm not much of a fan of ol' Kevin.  As a matter of fact, I like to laugh about the fact that he is the only character that doesn't even attempt an English accent.  I cheer at the part where he gets whacked in the head with a stick by Little John.  I always root for the Sheriff of Nottingham played by the amazing Alan Rickman, and I cry in the end when he dies.  But doesn't everyone do that?

3.  I read to my kids a lot. 

That may not be normal in our population as a whole, but among us homeschoolers I'm sure that's the norm.  My favorite books to read aloud are ones with lots of dialogue because then I can use my wide repertoire of voices.  I especially love to do British accents, proper and Cockney.  I sometimes get distracted in thinking how even I would have made a better Robin Hood than Kevin Costner, but then that would mean that I would have had to kill Alan Rickman, which I could never, ever do.  My kids have grown up thinking that everyone that reads to them should do so with as much fervor and zeal.  They have even gone as far as sighing, taking the book from people's hands and saying, "You're not doing this right."  But I'm sure this is just standard procedure.

4.  I like coffee. 

That's as normal as one can get.  Just ask Mr. Starbucks.  I think a lot about coffee.  I drink coffee first thing in the morning so that I won't injure one of my kids or husband.  Then I have another cup mid-morning...just to fight off the little bit of the chill in the house.  Sometimes I have to drink some mid-afternoon because a little grogginess has set in by then, and no one will have any dinner if I don't.  By nighttime I'm on my last cup because it's probably just what I need to help the headache and eye-twitching and heart palpitations that I'm experiencing.  But I'm just a normal, red-blooded American coffee drinker.  I don't have a problem.  I could quit anytime.  Promise.

5.  I brush my teeth everyday

....about 5-6 times.  OK...I'll admit that may be a little above average, but my dental hygienist absolutely LOVES me.  She says this behavior is on the abnormal side, but she wishes it were more routine.

6.  I am a collector. 

C'mon...I know that's normal or manufacturers wouldn't make collections.  When I was a little girl I collected glass animal figurines and coins.  As a junior higher I moved onto unicorns and friendship pins and stickers like every other girl I knew.  By high school I had an impressive wall collection of pull-out posters from Tiger Beat and Bop magazines, notes that were passed to me between classes and boyfriends.  After I got married, I delved into all things country: pigs, cows, sunflowers, etc.  Later I moved onto Noah's arks.  Now, I specialize in scrapbook supplies.  But this is America....in order to fit in one MUST jump from obsession to obsession.  Right?

7.  I like to read blogs. 

Hey...that's normal for around here anyway, isn't it?  My favorite way to read a blog is to look first for all the grammatical mistakes.  Spelling errors are my favorite.  Then I give your blog a mental grade reminiscent of my English teacher days.  (A few of you could use a brush-up in the grammar department, by the way!) Another thing I like to do is read my own blog as if I were one of you.  And then I laugh about how weird freaky insane perfectly normal I sound.

************Contest Info*************

If you e-mailed a poem, be watching.  We are judging later today, and I will post the winners.

Also, I am ending the contest on Friday, November 30.  Some of you are neck-in-neck, so be watching carefully for wreath-spotting opportunities!

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Whew....that last post took a lot out of me!  Thanks to all of you who left such great comments....especially those of you who rallied for me to not give up my mindless ways.  This one's for you!

I saw this name-thing on the brilliant CarpeBanana's blog a while back, and I filed it away for future use when my brain needed a little vacation.  Now is that time.

My Rock Star Name (1st pet + current car):  Pook MDV

My Gansta Name (favorite ice cream + favorite cookie):  Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz Chocolate Chip  (Ummm....I don't think I'm cut out to be a gansta.)

My Detective Name (favorite color + favorite animal):  Green Dog

My Star Wars Name (1st 3 letters of your last name + 1st 2 letters of your 1st) :  Adeke

My Superhero Name ("The" + 2nd favorite color + favorite drink):  The Brown Coffee  (Obviously, a career as a superhero will not work either.)

My Nascar Name (1st names of your grandfathers) :  Andy Bert

My TV Weather Anchor Name (5th grade teacher's name + a major city that starts with the same letter):  Gilray Gainesville (Now that, I like!)

My Spy Name (favorite season or holiday + favorite flower):  Autumn Coneflower

My Cartoon Name (favorite fruit + article of clothing you're wearing right now + "y" or "ie")  Watermelon Pajamasy

My Hippy Name (what you ate for breakfast + favorite tree): Kashi Willow (If I ever write a book, it will be under this pseudonym.)

My Rock Star Tour Name ("The" + favorite hobby or craft + favorite weather element + "Tour"):  The Scrapbooking Rain Tour (So that's how the Beatles did it....)

Have a great weekend!  Do yourself a favor and rest your brain!

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1.  We count the days until it starts again in January.

2.  We occasionally go to an "American Idol" concert, if our friends have free tickets...even if we have to travel 8+ hours to get there.

3.  We re-read old blog posts about actually meeting a contestant.

4.  We read magazine covers in the grocery check-out lines about Idol tidbits, like this one:

5.  We get angry that, even though we have nothing against Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood, the best talent is buried at number 4 & 6 on the list.

6.  Then we get even more angry that Bo's first album didn't do so well because the Idol producers made him record a candyish pop album instead of letting him be himself and make a gritty, southern rock album.

7.  We calm ourselves down by watching an old clip on You Tube.

8.  We try helplessly to call the number listed and vote even though that clip is over two years old.

9.  We have ourselves commited because deep-down we know we really have a problem.

I hope they let me out by January....

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Because that's exactly what I do oh so often and am about to do now, as I sit here at nearly 1am, nursing a caffeine overload and a sinus headache.

Last weekend this is what my dining room table looked like:

Nice, huh?  I decided that it was about time to clean out my pantry cabinets.  There was a lot of interesting stuff on those shelves.  I found an unopened package of Jelly Belly flavored candy canes.  Yes, Jelly Belly, as in the gourmet jellybeans.  I found an almost empty package of croutons, with a sell-by date of March 2005.  I found open packages of wheat flour, self-rising flour and all-purpose flour.  I found over 50 packets of Taco Bell taco sauce, ranging from mild to fire.  I found white vinegar, organic white vinegar, apple cider vinegar, red wine vinegar, balsamic vinegar and raspberry vinegar.  I found 16 cans of tuna.  Oh...alright....I just bought those at Costco, and we're already down to 14 cans!

Here's what the empty space looks like:

It doesn't even look like all that junk would fit in there, does it?  Oh, and I forgot to mention that there was more stuff piled all over the counters.  I failed to take a picture, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

And then, 3 trashbags and a lot of reorganizing later, it looked like this:

Whew...much better!

Now, do you understand why I need one of those tee shirts?!  OK...I'm off to google recipes with vinegar....

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I always get a little nostalgic at the beginning of a school year about my own public school career, college years and my brief stint as an English teacher at a private Christian middle/highschool.  Something about organizing our stash of loose leaf paper and sharpening our No. 2 pencils can send me back a decade or more to an August or September of my past.  Today something triggered a memory of the Friday before my first day as a fresh-out-of-college English teacher, and I thought I would share it with you....

I had always wanted to be a teacher.  My most prized possession as a child was the chalkboard that I got one year for Christmas.  I would line up my dolls and imaginary students and play school with that thing for HOURS.  Fast forward to a late Friday afternoon in mid August 1994, and I'm standing in my very own real classroom that I've just spent a week decorating and arranging.  The chalkboard stretches out along an entire wall.  I was giddy with the thought of all the adolescent faces that would fill the desks and look to me....ME!.... for guidance and instruction come Monday!

I only had a few things left to do before I headed home.  I wanted everything to be perfect for my first day.  The rows of desks were neatly aligned.  The American flag hung proudly in the corner.  My bulletin boards were colorful, but not too baby-ish.  My desk was immaculate.  I was about to head for the door, when I decided that the board looked empty.  Hmmmm....why not go ahead and get my 1st period class's assignments listed?  I reached for my lesson plan book and started printing neatly the agenda on the board. Shivers ran up and down my spine as the brand new stick of chalk began squeaking over the smooth, green surface for the first time. 

For literature, the text labeled the comprehension questions for each reading selection, "Think it Through".  That was way too much to write out every time I assigned these, so I quickly just turned them into an acronym and finished up my list.  I also printed out my name and Monday's date, and stepped back to survey my handiwork.  Thank the good Lord I stepped back to survey my handiwork!!!!!!!!!

In case you haven't already caught on here, the acronym for "Think it Through" (written in all caps and pluralized, no less) is a rather crude term for a part of the female anatomy.  And I had just brazenly written instructions for my fresh-faced, innocent students to "do" #s 1-8 for their first homework assignment.  This would have been disastrous on so many levels.  This was a Christian school.  My first period class was 9th grade.  I was a 21 year old, first-time teacher, who I'm sure some of the parents had their doubts about. Geographically we were in the Bible Belt.  That kind of stuff could nearly make the local news!

I made a mad, stumbling dash for the eraser, spit on it and scrubbed at the abbreviation like my life depended on it.  I then sank to the floor, tried to control my breathing and thanked God that He didn't allow that  to happen to me.

I wish I could say that I went on to be totally smooth, calm, cool and collected for my 2 year teaching career, but I'd be lying. I planned a field trip once and when we got there, the place was closed.  I got my long skirt wound up in the wheels of my rolling chair and a 10th grade girl had to cut me free.  I once got so upset with a trouble-making student that I burst into tears in the middle of lecturing him.  I burned popcorn in the teacher lounge microwave and the whole hallway stunk for days.  And all of these things are just off the top of my head.  I can say, however, that whenever I was about to write anything on my chalkboard, I always thought it through first.

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Thanks everyone for your kind responses to my open house entry.  Now I feel a certain level of accountability for continuing them on a regular basis.  Great.

Seriously, as a thank-you, I'm posting this little video that makes me laugh every time I see it, and I've seen it probably 50 times.  I seriously need to get a life.   

If you enjoyed this, you're like me in that you have a bit of a twisted sense of humor.  I don't know why I laugh when people get hit or fall down, but I do every time.  If you fall in front of me, I will help you...when I stop laughing.  I guess that type of comedy falls into the "slapstick" genre...?  This duo has done some other videos, but proceed with caution.  While there are some other funny ones, they are not as clean as this one.

Have a great week, but don't try telling this joke to many people.  You can lose friends over it....

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Oh my gosh....I am speechless!  OK, not really.  But I am flattered because my friend jaminacema has awarded me with this:

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people;
Good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration.
Also for those that have a postive influence on the blogging world. Once you are awarded please feel free to pass it on to other bloggers. "

Here is why she gave me this award, in her own words...

KellieAnn gets to be on my nice list just because she is nice and funny!  (Warning: don't ever read a comment from Kellieann if you are drinking something because it will come out your nose when you start laughing!  Here is her comment on one of my duct tape entries that got me good!)

So, I get an award for making a beverage come out of her nose.  My mom will be so proud!  Thanks, Jamin....I think.

Oh...and now I'm supposed to pass it on.  My winners are...

• Debbie, my sister, because she really is nice and always leaves me nice comments here.  We're a good balance for each other because she normally does not cause liquid to come out of your nose.  Really, you just need one per family. (I also owe her big time for convincing her when we were ages 10 & 4 that the rest of our family were all vampires and that she was adopted.  And I got a nice award?!)
• Crossview because she too has left me some of the nicest comments.  She actually misses me when I don't blog for awhile and lets me know.  I think she's the closest thing I have to a fan.  I've always wanted a fan.  I love reading her blog.  Her entries are usually short, sweet and to the point...unlike, well, mine.
• OhPumpkinshelz because she is nice, I totally "get" her, and she is also capable of a nose splatter.  I always look forward to her blog entries.

So, rock on my nice blogging friends...just don't drink and blog!

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The other day my husband called from work in the later afternoon to see how my day was going.  "Fine," I answered. 

"Well, what are you doing?"  he asked.

Here's where I got a little squirmy because what I was doing was watching this on VH1:

Oh how I wish I had been cleaning the bathroom or giving a spelling test or organizing the utensil drawer in the kitchen, but I wasn't, so I told the truth.

"Ohhh....ummmm...." he said in that WAY of his, which means he was wishing I was cleaning the bathroom or giving a spelling a test or organizing the utensil drawer.  It didn't help at all that when he called that morning I was reading the over 1000 entries for Pioneer Woman's latest "Give That Photo a Name" contest.

So to justify myself, here are the reasons I was watching the program:

1.  I like 80s music.  I consider myself a true 80s girl because I graduated from high school in 1990.  I experienced everything....Pac Man fever, lycra, jelly sandals, turquoise eye shadow, etc.  And just for the record, it always really peeves me when some kid who was born in 1989 squeals, "Oooohhh, I just love the 80s!!!"  Yeah, right.  Just because you have watched Sixteen Candles and have worn leggings under your mini-skirt, doesn't mean anything.  Get your own decade, kid!  But I digress...

2.  My kids were busy.  Harrison was playing at a friend's, and Annaleigh was in her room finishing school work (although I promised her I'd call her in if they played A-ha's one-hit wonder "Take on Me"...she loves that song).

3.  I have not watched a full show on TV since May and the "American Idol" finale aired.  I was due for a little couch-potato time.

4.  We only have basic cable, which doesn't include VH1.  For some reason we still have it and about 4 or 5 other stations like the Food Network, Discovery, and Nat'l Geographic.  So every time we watch something on these stations, I feel sort of like we're using a coupon or something.  It makes me feel frugal.

5.  I actually learned some rather interesting things.  For instance...

• I did not really understand any of Prince's lyrics in the 80s.  I do now and WOW that was one single-minded individual.
• No one really ever looks good in tight white jeans...not Mick Jagger, not Cyndi Lauper, not Michael Jackson....it's just one of those fashion no-no's.
• Thomas Dolby of "She Blinded Me with Science" fame was really just as geeky as he seemed in the video.  He's now developing new features for cell phones out in CA.
• Not even Lionel Richie himself knows what the Mambo-Mambo stuff means in his song "All Night Long".
• The STYX song "Mr. Roboto" was actually a part of a strange rock opera, "Mr. Kilroy Was Here."
• The lead singer of Flock of Seagulls was a hair dresser before he became an 80s rock icon.   Ya' think?  Now he builds boats in Florida.
• Salt, of Salt-n-Peppa, became a Christian in the 90s and did an album called "Unrapped."
• The Beastie Boys are now fighting for the rights of everything liberal and PC.  I liked them better when they were just knuckleheads.
• The group Devo of "Whip It!" fame still wears those weird ziggurat-like, red, plastic hats when they tour.   I'm totally serious.  I saw them.
• One of the girls from Bananarama married Andrew Ridgely, the lesser-known member of the group Wham.....must have missed that issue of Teen Beat magazine.
• Peter Falco, who made Mozart cool with his recording of "Rock Me, Amadeus," died in a car accident in the early 2000s.
• Most of Boy George's songs were written for the drummer of his band The Culture Club.  Shocker.
• I have no memory of a group called Dead or Alive or their lead singer Peter Burns.  That's a good thing.  DO NOT google him...it's scary.

And that's about it because I only made it to the low 40s because my kids had to go to taekwondo.  It was keeping me awake at night, wondering what the top 30s were, so the next day I looked them up on-line.  In case you're interested,click here.  I was so, so glad that some of my favorite hair bands made the top 10.  I was beginning to wonder if VH1 had something against rockers.

6.  It was more fun than cleaning the bathroom, giving a spelling test or organizing my utensil drawer, and you know that "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and all.

So, there you have it Big D.  Please forgive me for this one lazy afternoon.....even if your favorites, Clash's "Rock the Casbah" and "Electric Avenue" didn't make the list.

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Can you believe that?!  I found it shocking at first, but then hysterical when they listed the reason for this rating:  The word death is mentioned 3x, the word shoot is mentioned 2x, and the word breast is mentioned 1x.  Now if it had listed the fact that I posted a picture of my then- six-year-old sitting on the potty or my use of the word cross-dresser   (in a title, no less) or my photo of the huge scary spider, I might have understood.

This rating device obviously has no way to measure the context of word usage.  I probably used death as in "It scared me half to death when the huge banana spider was hanging from my son's bedroom doorframe!"  I am sure shoot was more of a figure of speech, as in "Shoot!  Why'd they have to give innocent ole' me a PG-13 rating?!" (Actually, I remember saying that my father-in-law was going to shoot my kids once, but I was KIDDING people!)  Now, I'm not really sure about the word breast.  I could have said something about a chicken breast, or I guess I might have mentioned breast-feeding, but I know I did not talk about my breast or anyone else's breast.

Just for fun I tried another blog that I read that sometimes uses true-to-life profanity (not from this site), and it gave her mildly racy blog  just a PG rating.  So, I just want you to know that if you decide to have your blog rated, feel free to post scary, half-nude photos or to cuss like a sailor as it will have little or no bearing on the rating you receive, but by all means do not talk about shooting a breast to death or it will be unfit for small children.

And now that I have gone on to mention each of those words at least  three more times a piece, I have probably earned myself an R rating.  Like I said, readers....beware!

*********************************update****************************************

Sho' enuff....after the above entry I am now rated...

Well, shoot!

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