Dec. 21, 2007
Steps to Buying the Perfect Christmas Tree
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These steps are guaranteed to bring you a most memorable Christmas tree buying and trimming experience: Step 1: Go to tree farm. Wife will insist, upon husband's misgivings, that she has found the perfect tree and it simply MUST come home with them. For added effect, have other family members gang up on him and agree with wife. Step 2: Lug oversized monstrosity into house (the husband that is---the wife shall annoyingly direct traffic) Step 3: Place in stand and put special tree bag underneath to wrap tree up in after season is over (argue over how it should be placed, whether under the stand, or over and inside the stand. Wife will win argument). Water tree. Step 4: Discover that family can barely walk around tree to get to hallway. Wife will then take up clippers and prune tree half to death. Spend hour cleaning up branches, picking needles out of feet, and soothing scratched-up arms. Step 5: Husband will place colored lights on tree (which are begrudging allowed by picky wife who has always preferred white--after all, it's for the children). Step 6: Husband will change sap-soaked shirt obtained by touching severely pruned branches, and pick pine needles out of toes. Step 7: Wife will decorate tree with kids while trying to avoid getting sap on clothes, skin and hair. At one point she will notice tree looks a bit crooked and make mental note to straighten later. Step 8: Put last ornament on tree. Step 9: Swiftly dodge tree as it plummets to floor. Step 10: Clean up broken ornament and spilled water. At this point husband will bite tongue about choice of tree in order to avoid inevitable argument. Instead he will turn on kids, who are sharply told and retold to stay out of room to avoid cutting feet on said broken ornament. Step 11: Wife, not wanting to admit defeat, will reposition tree, restring lights, and rehang ornaments. While doing this, she will rip out and dispose of horribly mangled Christmas tree bag and pull sap soaked pine needles out of hair. Step 12: Suddenly remember that last year's star broke and there is no star for tree this year. Husband will take son's enormously huge gaudy silver cellophane snowflake and wedge it in between top of tree and ceiling. Step 13: Wife will re-water tree and plop down on sofa, taking care not to allow sappy skin to touch upholstery. She will then look up at cellophane "star" and realize that she has sunk to a new low in Christmas decorating standards. Step 14: Grovel to husband that he had indeed more wisdom in picking out a tree. Both will remember to laugh about it and decide that, for all the trouble, they wouldn't change a thing. Step 15: Search after season ads for next year's artificial tree. (P.S. Yes, this is our story, for those of you who can't believe this could actually happen to someone) |
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