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While last year's Chrismas tree adventure may never be topped, I am aware (mostly through personal experience and the stories of others) that there are many other holiday fiascos that could inspire anyone to shout "bah, humbug!" So, in keeping with what may soon become tradition, I give you this year's offering, how to repair that wonderful invention, the string lights. This is my story... 1. Eagerly dig lights out of storage and plug them in to ensure they work. They do. 2. String them on the tree after children have gone to bed (this is to avoid having to pull broken glass out of little feet.) Being anal retentive is key here. Wrap the string of lights two or three times around each branch (Martha Stewart style) to make sure they stay put and the wires are camouflaged. 3. Stand back and admire tree. 4. The next day, decorate the tree with the children, with Nat King Cole and Perry Como singing in the background on the CD player. 5. Observe in horror that the middle string of lights has been extinguished. 6. Search throughout tree for offending bulb, using handy bulb tester. 7. When you are unable to find the bad bulb, resolve to strip tree of ornaments, and remove the lights from the tree. Make a mental note to send hate mail to Martha Stewart for influencing you on how to carefully wrap each branch with this now tangled monstrosity. 8. Not wanting to spend money when you don't have to, lay lights across floor and proceed to remove each bulb and test individually. 9, Realize that tester has died because son played with it. Send husband to store to buy new tester. 10. Using new tester, check each bulb. Bark at children who feel the need to keep stepping on the lights, despite the fact that you are not in a high traffic area. 11. Replace several bulbs to no avail. 12. Admit defeat and spend the three bucks to get new lights. Restring tree and hang ornaments. 13. Now on to the garland. Plug in another string of lights, which work, and begin wrapping them around your fifteen feet of garland. It looks beautiful and you can't wait to hang it outside. 14. Unplug and carefully carry the garland/lights to your front porch, where you proceed to attach it to railing. Plug in. 15. Resist the urge to swear when lights refuse to illuminate. Examine bulbs. 16. Unattach garland and drag back inside. Yell at children to stop stepping over the garland and to get the heck out of the living room so you can work on these darned things in peace. 17. Unwind light string from greenery, which by this point, being old, is shedding little fake green needles all over the floor and is starting to show bald spots. 18. Not wanting to spend another DIME on new lights, proceed to yank EACH AND EVERY bulb from its socket and test in bulb tester, which you realize works only part of the time because it was made in China, where people don't celebrate Christmas, so what do they care if it works? 19. Massage sore fingers. Yanking 100 bulbs out of their sockets hurts, people! 20. After checking the light fuses and replacing about 15 burned out bulbs (since bulbs are apparently like women and don't like to do anything alone), the string will still refuse to light, and you are left witih no choice but to purchase more. 21. Buy new strand and rewrap garland. Your efforts are finally rewarded with illuminated garland. 22. Make travel plans for next Christmas to avoid having to decorate. ...and to all a good night!
(p.s. I would love to hear your holiday fiascos. There are some great stories out there that need to be told. If you're on Facebook go to my homepage and look for Biggest Christmas Fiasco. If you're not on Facebook you can just post them in the comments section here. After all, what good is a holiday disaster if you can't laugh about it? My family will take a vote on the one we think is the best story. The prize? A string of my very own lights...lucky you.) |
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