Nov. 12, 2006 - Nov. 12 Preparing Daughters for Marriage and Parenthood

I was part of a discussion recently centering around the encouragement of girls to go to college.  There are some evangelical, fundamental Christians who do not encourage their daughters to attend college.   They feel that since they are preparing their daughters for life as a wife and stay-at-home mother that college is unnecessary.   I, of course, feel differently.   In the course of the debate a question was posed for those of us who are pro-college.  What if our daughters didn’t want to go to college, despite our parental encouragement to do so?  Would we allow them to stay at home?   If we did allow them to stay home, what requirements would we have for them, if any?   From this point, the conversation moved to how do we go about preparing our daughters to be a wife and mother?   What are the skills and knowledge that we think are necessary to acquire before marriage?   What do we wish we would have learned?    I can tell you, that really got me thinking.

My mother did a lot of things right in parenting.  In fact, my mother did most things right.  But, I have to say, I’m not sure how much she thought about preparing us for marriage and parenthood.   When we were young she was so overwhelmed with feeding our family of five as well as the three intellectually impaired adults that lived with us in a fostering type of program.  Every day my Mom cooked three full meals for five adults (4 of them men!) and three growing children.  She grew, harvested and canned most of our food.  She sewed clothes.  She did laundry for all of these people.  Needless to say, she didn’t exactly have a lot of free time.  She was focused on getting things done in a quick and efficient manner which didn’t exactly lead to having the children learn to do household tasks by “helping” Mom.  As we all know, children “helping” are often more of a hinderance.    All that to say, my Mom did a wonderful job with the resources she had- better than I would in a similar situation, I’m sure. 

But, back to preparing our daughters for marriage and parenthood.  What do I want my daughter to learn, what skills do I want her to acquire in anticipation of the life I hope she will someday lead?     I think these things are important to learn, regardless of college attendance.   This makes me nervous and excited for the teen years- we’ve got a lot of things I want to pack in during a just a few short years. 

Here’s my list of things I feel would be beneficial to learn prior to marriage and children.  Some are more important than others.

Running a household

I want to teach her to cook and clean a house well. I read somewhere that in the 1800's a girl was expected to be able to run a house by herself by the age of 12. (not to be married, but to run it when Mom was away, sick, etc.) I've always liked that train of thought so hope that by the time Mary is 12 she will know how to cook and clean properly.

2. I want to teach her how to organize and manage a home effectively- teach her how to plan menus and how to buy groceries on a budget. I clean the house on a cleaning schedule and I'd like her to learn how to make a schedule and why certain things are done in a certain way or order (for efficiency).

3. It's *very* important to me that she is financially savvy. I have this idea of handing over the family finances to her during her teenage years and guiding her through balancing a checkbook, paying bills, budgeting money for future expenses. Making the hard choices about where your money will go and what you will and will not spend it on.

4. I’d like for her to learn “handwork”.  I’d love for her know how to cross-stitch, knit, hook a rug.   These things make a home so much more comfortable.  It’s nice to have things around that you made and they make wonderful heirlooms to pass down through the generations.

5. I very much want Mary to learn to sew.  Oh, how I wish I could sew!  I could save our family so much money if I were able to hem my own pants, sew my own curtains, do simple repairs on the children’s clothing. 

6. I'd like for her to take some photography classes because it's such a great skill to have when you have children.  I’d really like for her to take at least one or two photography classes at  the local community college.   I’m pretty good with photography but I’d like her to learn some real skills from a professional.  It would be so nice for her to be able to professionally photograph her children herself.

Marriage

I really like the idea of reading parenting and marriage books *together* and then discussing them. What we agree and disagree with and why- what's practical and isn't and why, etc.

Maybe some practical things like the importance of greeting your husband when he comes home from a long day at work, giving him a moment to himself to unwind, etc.  Being grateful for the life he provides through his hard work.  How to build your husband up instead of tearing him down.  

Learning how to communicate effectively- maybe taking some personality tests, reading the love languages book, etc. 

I want to teach her to be content with what she has in life- to not always be wishing for a bigger house, a bigger salary, a newer car, better clothes, etc.  I believe that a spirit of thankfulness leads to joy.

Parenting

I'd love for her to work with other homeschool families tutoring in order to learn how to teach younger children. I read on a blog somewhere that the oldest daughter's task that year was teaching the 5 year old to read. What great training to be a mom!

I’d really like for her to have some training in caring for babies so that she is not as inexperienced as I was.   I had done a lot of babysitting but never for young babies.  I’m not really sure how to go about this but I’ve got a few years to work on it.  J

It’d be helpful for her to learn things like diapering a baby, bathing, discerning baby’s different cries, basic first aid for babies. 

As with the marriage books, I think it would be good to read some parenting books together and to discuss them.   Maybe some twaddle- much of Dr. Sears stuff- so that she can see the foolishness that is out there.   Some good stuff too- Rosemond for starters. 

General/Miscellaneous
I very much want her to do some sort of volunteer work with those who are less fortunate- My years spent teaching low-income kids were really eye-opening to me. It gave me a whole 'nuther viewpoint on the poor, immigrants, etc. I think it would be valuable for her to learn about the hardships these people face.