This is from a November 2005 blog article. THIS IS NOT MY WORK. I'm not sure where it came from but thought it was to excellent not to share.
Nov. 17, 2005 - Let the Dads be Dads......
If you let the Dads be Dads I have found we have more freedom to be Moms. It really is a shame that society today says that Dads really have to act more like Moms. We (referring to Americans in general not necessarily the population here at HSB) spend all their lives trying to feminize our boys (sit still, read this book, don’t wrestle during school, here have some Ritalin) that we are shocked when our men don’t stand up to injustices in the world. We wonder where the leaders went. How come nobody bats an eye when the little old lady gets her purse yanked from her by a thug on the street. Why does a mayor of a major city have the option of saying “I just got caught in the moment.” When he is called on a making flat out lies on national television? How come men in government, business and families don’t know how to say “Here, it is me. The buck stops here. I take FULL responsibility!” Could it be because we were so busy making our boys act like girls that they are not sure about the hows, whats and whys of making that type of commitment?
Then we marry them off and tell them to be kind to the children, don’t raise your voice to the children, don’t spank the children, don’t rough house with the children…..be a MOM! Be a soft hearted, rocking in a chair, snuggly, soft spoken type person. In this day if you are a man and you are not acting like a mom there are all manner of persons (the well paid and not so well paid) that are willing to tell you that you are on the short road to ruining your children. Doncha know a harsh word is worth $2000 in therapy at age 20? An injury while rough housing is worth at least $4000. I hope you are saving for these eventualities if you think you are going to raise your kids “the way your dad raised you”.
I used to be one of those Moms that wanted my husband to act like a Mom. What Mom wouldn’t? It is what I am comfortable with. After all I know my kids, I know what they need. I’m with them all day, they are used to the way I interact with them. Shouldn’t my dh bend his personality to accommodate me and the kids and what we are comfortable with? I mean really, what does he know of the kids’ fragile temperaments? He is not around and how could he be qualified? So I would follow him around, trying to pick up the pieces with statements like “Oh, she does not understand when you say it that way……say this…..” or “Jeffrey, you are coming across as too harsh.” Or later in private I would set him straight “Don’t you think you over reacted/played too hard/didn’t give ___enough attention?” I wanted to dictate every interaction with HIS children!! What a power trip I was on! What a horrible way to rip down my dh and make him less than eager to even try spending time with the kids!
One day my darling, wonderful, forever patient (yes sometimes sharp tongued) husband said “Can I just be the Dad here?” to which I brilliantly replied “huh?” “Can I be the Dad? Can I be a little harsher than you? Can I be a disciplinarian? Can I talk to the kids without you jumping to conclusions?” And I had a light bulb moment!! I did not grow up with a father. I had no idea that what he was doing was typical Dad stuff. But apparently Jeff thought it was. And here he was just begging me to let him be himself!! What kind of pressure must I have put him under his first few years of fatherhood. I stepped back and imagined myself trying to live up to trying to be Jeff. Just as I expected Dad to interact in the same way I did, would I have been happy being forced to be just like him? I think the pressure would have caused me to not even try. I just could not have done it. After a moment of thinking I said “yes, you are right. You go be the Dad. I won’t correct you anymore.” So for better or worse I set him free in the house. He never abused the kids. No that was never the issue. These were small things I now realize. After I let lose the reigns on my husband I saw him step up to the plate. He was free to do as he pleased. It hurt my tongue and I think I still have scars there to show for that first year when I was getting used to have a Dad in the house. But it was oh so worth it. Jeff has blossomed in how he communicates and interacts with the kids. And because I had nothing to do with it, I never nagged or corrected or pretended I could do it better, I can give all the glory to God for working through my dh to bring forth a man that is a FABULOUS father to his plethora of children. No really, you can’t imagine!!
Several weeks after my conversation with Jeff, when I was right in the thick of trying to butt out of his realm, I did something very nice for the kids. I don’t remember what it was but it was completely undeserved, a big treat for absolutely no reason. I remember Jeff questioning me. He did not understand why I went through the trouble to give the kids something that they had not really earned and probably would not appreciate like it should be. I was feeling highly discouraged because I ENJOY doing acts of service and gift giving for my kids (and dh too). I am quick to forget that so-n-so pinched his brother today so he does not need desert. What I remember is “Oh this desert is so yummy I want to bless everyone (including my neighbor and his brother in Toledo) with a huge helping of this delicious desert.” So Jeff started in on me. And I started second guessing myself. It seemed so natural for me to want to do nice things for the kids. How could I stop that? Why were we disagreeing about this and what could be done about it? Then it struck me, he wanted me to act like a Dad. He so loved his position as judge and keeper of the peace and meter of punishments (because that is what good Dads do in his mind) that he wanted me to be excited about that part of child rearing too. I was being asked to be something I am not. I had started to tear up out of frustration. Then I had my revelation. With shaky voice and moist eyes, almost pleading I said “Can I be the Mom? This is what Moms like to do. Will you let me be the Mom? I promised to let you be the Dad.” Then I saw the light go on over his head. All the confusion melted away and we defined just a little more clearly our roles here in this crazy family. Jeff wrapped his arms around me and said “Yes, yes of course you can be the mom. Give them all two pieces of cake if you like!” |
