Am I Selfish??
(Side Note to Sarah: I know you weren't really calling *ME* selfish, but I thought it made a good title)
I've been pondering Sarah's comment to THIS POST ENTITLED "NOTHING" and how to respond. So here goes!
Sarah wrote: "Sure, investing in making our homes good is wonderful, but we can't hole ourselves up in our houses and forget about the outside world. What about trying to do good in our community to make someone else's life better? Her post sounds kind of selfish to me..."
As I've been thinking about this, these words from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 come to mind:
1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
2 A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
5 A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.
I read somewhere that our lives are spent in thirds. We have our "early" years of childhood and young adulthood (birth through mid twenties), then our middle adulthood (mid twenties-60 years old?) and then our old age (60 years old and up).
I spent my "early" years of highschool, college and post-college doing lots of things for my community- I volunteered at the hospital, corresponded with several elderly people in nursing homes, worked as volunteer for the National Conference for Community and Justice teaching classes on tolerance, and took two "little" sisters from Big Brothers/Big Sisters from 7th grade through high school graduation. I also did plenty of volunteer work through whatever church I was attending at the time and worked as both a preschool and a middle school teacher- which is in and of itself, plenty of giving back to the community!
As I look forward to my old age, I envision myself doing some kind of Titus 2 (versus 3-5) work with younger women. I'm not sure in what capacity that will be but I'm open to whatever opportunities will arise.
But right now? In my "middle adulthood" phase of life with three young children to raise, I'm not so sure "out in the community" is where I need to be. I've seen the effects of no training and poor discipline on children- by the time these kids reach middle school they are just wild. They've never been taught to operate within set boundaries, to put aside their own "wants" to accommodate anothers "needs", to practice self-discipline now for the long-term good. And now that I've been out of teaching for several years, I've seen these kids as adults. One was killed in a drug related altercation. Another young man, who had SO much potential, is sitting in jail for assaulting a homeless man. Some have been arrested for robbery. Others are just drifting- not in school, working low wage jobs sporadically. They're not doing anything productive with their time or energy and it's sad. They have the potential to be so much more but lack the self-discipline to get there.
So what's my solution to this?
So I'm focusing my energy on raising productive adults (I'm raising adults, not children, right??!!!) who will not be a drain on society. And the best way that I know to do this, is RIGHT HERE. And so for our family, that means keeping our kids with us and training them into Godly behavior.
I've "got" the children for so little time- the majority of their training in discipline, obedience and attitude will be done by 5. We'll have another 13 or so years to do some additional training where improvements need to be made and to train them in practical living skills. But after that? Although they'll always be "my babies" they'll be adults with minds and lives of their own. I've just got a little while to get it right and if I don't, there's no going back. No do-overs.
And the thing is, when children "go bad" it affects so many more people then just their own self or their own family. Here's a personal example- my sister was married to a no-good loser. He had NO concept of boundaries or self-discipline and it affected EVERYONE. Putting the abuse aside, we all suffered seeing my sister and nephew neglected- (just *one* example- not enough money for food or diapers while a new boat sits in the driveway). Because he never learned to put others above himself or develop the self-discipline to work when he didn't feel like it and to spend money on needs and not wants, his wife suffered, his child suffered, his parents suffered (he was constantly "borrowing" money), his inlaws suffered (watching their daughter go without because her husband refused to work consistently). It was awful. He eventually became a drug user, an alcoholic and declared bankruptcy. He was, and is, nothing but a drain on society and anyone who comes in contact with him.
I'm not saying that I can guarantee that my kids will not disappoint us and become no-good losers like my former brother-in-law and some of my former students. But I do think I've got a much greater chance of having them turn out to be decent, productive members of society by focusing the majority of my time and effort into the raising, training, disciplining, mentoring and fellowshipping with my OWN children.
It doesn't mean that I never spend any time doing for others over the next 20 or so years. But it does mean that I first consider these questions before committing to any activity outside the home:
FIVE Questions to contemplate when considering activities outside the home:
1. What are my reasons for considering this opportunity? Are they selfish or God-honoring?
2. Will pursuing this venture glorify God and honor the gospel?
As long as it passes the above two questions, I quickly move on to #3.
3. Is this an undertaking that will help my husband?
If yes, great. If it's no, then sometimes that's okay too. As long as it's not hindering him in any manner I'm okay with it.
5. Will it enhance and enrich the lives of my family?
5. Does this endeavor hinder my role as caretaker of my home?
But then we come to #4 and #5. It's because of these that I've dropped out of most extra activities in the past few years. Because to often the answer to #4 was no and to #5 was yes. If it means I have less time to train, mentor, disciple and discipline the children then I'm not interested. If it means that the house is not cleaned, meals not ready, laundry not done, etc. because I'm busy with some other volunteer activity, "ministry", etc. then it's not where I'm supposed to be. Period.
But you know what? It hasn't always been this way (see the paragraph on my early adulthood) and it won't always be this way. Before I know it, the children will be grown and gone and I'll be facing another 30 or 40 years of just Kip and I. The house will be exponentially easier to keep clean and there be a lot less laundry and distractions. The training will be done. What will I do then? THAT's when I'll have time to pour into my community and church, volunteering to help others, etc.
Don't mistake me- there are things I do now to help others. I take a meal or two to a mom with a new baby or an elderly neighbor. I talk with young moms who approach me wanting to know how to organize their homes or plan menus. I occasionally invite a former elderly neighbor to join our family for lunch or dinner just because she might be lonely. I've helped my sister with her son now that she is a single mom. I support my husband taking my nephew to boyscouts because I believe he needs a positive male role model in his life (and this does require sacrifice on my part). These are the things I can do now to help others that don't infringe on my current family requirements.
But make no mistake about it, they don't interfere with questions #4 or #5 and if they did, I'd drop them in a second. At this point in my life, activities that I choose to engage in MUST NOT involve excessive amounts of time out of the home or away from my children.
As the writer of Ecclesiastes said "There is an appointed time for everything". This is not my appointed time to be "giving back to the community" in the traditional sense that most people think of when using that phrase. There IS a time for that- part of it has passed for me and part of it is still to come- but it's not right now.
Sarah- still friends?? You got this whole long-winded response to your comment. You didn't know what you were getting into when you first suggested this blogging thing to me a year ago, did you? Another Happy Birthday to you- hope you are having a fun day. ;)
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