Deadweight
One of the reasons I choose to join the Marines was because I wanted something I didn't have and I knew the Marine Corps could give it to me. That summer at Parris Island I learned self-confidence, I learned how to be alone, even in a crowd and to be okay with it and I learned how important relationships really are in my life. One of the outcomes of those lessons was that when I returned home I realized I was wasting too much time, mental and emotional energy on "deadweight" relationships. Those relationships where you feel like you give and get nothing back. Where you are always reaching out and getting little to nothing in return. Those relationships were draining me and leaving me less time and energy to focus on the really good relationships in my life. So, I cut them loose. I certainly didn't have any sort of big discussion about it, I just quit calling and gradually let those relationships die off. And it was such a good thing for me.
Then, in the 5/2005 issue of "O" magazine, I read this great little commentary by Francine Prose entitled "Trust Your Gut Reactions" that so perfectly sums up how I decide if a relationship is worth continuing. Here's an excerpt of that:
"We were discussing the nature of friendship in general and love in particular, and she said, "If you want to know who your friends really are and whom you should be hanging around with, all you have to do is follow this simple test. Whenever you've just finished spending time with a particular person, ask yourself, Do I feel better or worse than I did before? No long explanations, no equivocations, No excuses. Just 'better' or 'worse'. Then tally up the results, and pretty soon everything will begin to seem very clear."....it's inspired me to extricate myself from unproductive professional associations, destructive friendships, disastrous love affairs. It's helped me to surround myself with friends whom I love, and who love me."
I realized recently, ten years after becoming a Marine and graduating from Parris Island, that I'm at that point again. I've got some deadweight relationships in my life. Some "friends" and acquaintenances who weigh me down. I come away from any interaction we have- whether in person or by email, feeling down. Feeling unheard or disregarded. And it stinks. So, I've decided to make some changes.
This is NOT to say that I don't enjoy good discussion or correction! Sarah C. always makes me really think about what I'm doing and why and I love that. Kaeb is my great encourager and it is wonderful to have a friend who is your cheerleader. I know Kelly G. will speak the hard truth to me in kindness and with the best of intentions regardless of whether or not it's what I *want* to hear and for that I love her dearly.
But, honestly? I'm just done with some of these other relationships. I've got plenty enough difficult family issues (extended family- not Kip and I) that I have to negotiate through because they're family that I really don't want to waste anymore time on difficult friends or acquaintances where I come away from every encounter feeling crappy about myself.
ETA: Okay, I've reread this and think maybe it sound grumpy. I don't feel grumpy, not even angry really, just more done. kwim? I'm just ready to move on. And I thought, in the interest of being transparent about what's really going on in my life, I would share this.
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