Sometimes when I read the radical feminist perspective on the choice that many women make to leave the rat race, come home, and fully embrace being a wife and mother, I think, “Who are they studying, and how come I’ve never met any of these women?” The assumption that women stay home only because they have husbands who can afford to support them in style is the prevailing line of thought among this crowd. There is this misconception that women who stay home are married to men in high powered careers making six-figures and that this in itself puts women at risk because what man, having been in a prestigious, well paying, intelligent environment all day wants to come home to a woman who hasn’t even had a conversation with anyone over the age of six? In the minds of these women, there’s really no question of IF these marriages will collapse, only a matter of when. And when they do, the poor naïve wife who has given up everything to make a home for this man and his progeny will find herself poor, struggling, and alone.

When I ran across this little financial piece recently, it became clear to me that people who write these kinds of cost analyses have no idea how much a family gains when mom stays at home. They really don’t realize that for many, the decision is often made before they can even see how they’re going to manage the finances. Staying home and raising your own kids is about so much more than dollars and cents. It’s a matter of the heart and realizing that if we are to fulfill God’s plan to raise our children well, someone has to be available to do it. It requires sacrifice! When I came home 12 and a half years ago, my husband worked hard to provide. And while I will admit that he was pretty well employed for someone his age (he was 23), we were hardly living the high life! I’ve met women whose husbands worked long hours on blue collar jobs in order to support their families while their wives stay at home. I’ve run across missionary families doing the same thing. Not every stay at home mom is married to a high-powered executive. That may be what Linda Hirshman found when she did her notorious study, but it’s not every one’s reality. It’s not even most people’s reality. I believe she called these women “elite women”. I can think of many adjectives to describe myself: forgiven, opinionated, realistic, but elite? No! It costs us plenty for me to stay home and I’m sure that’s true for many of you as well.

Our lifestyle is far from elitist. I cut coupons, limit and plan my outings to maximize gas mileage, and make my menu each week based on which supermarkets are offering the best deals. I do my own hair, paint my own nails, and rarely make impromptu trips to Target (my favorite store!). I cook dinner every night. We eat out about once every three months, sometimes less. When there’s a book I’m interested in reading, my first stop is to the library, not the bookstore.

As our family has grown, we’ve had to make more sacrifices and examine our choices more closely, but in the process we have grown to realize how unnecessary most of the stuff we think is necessary really is. We have grown to appreciate the simple things a lot more. No burger tastes as good as the one cooked on our own grill, for a fraction of the cost. Walking around the neighborhood at dusk is far more relaxing than dodging the crowds while walking through a local mall as part of the materialistic rat race.

Now obviously I’m not totally deprived as I’m writing this on my personal laptop and will upload the post on Blogger via high speed internet access, which can hardly be considered a necessity. I’m simply saying that in our day to day living, we examine every purchase and make every effort to be good stewards. Life is far from glamorous in the Ornaments of Grace house, believe me. So when I hear or read these feminists saying that being a stay at home mom is a luxury for only the privileged few, I laugh. I accept that there are many people for whom this choice is not a realistic one to consider, but I also believe that if we are willing to downsize our lifestyles, re-examine what we consider necessities and make tough choices, the privileged few can become a substantial number of families.

The sad part of this whole debate is that we have raised a generation of women who believe that it is unwise at best and stupid at worst for a woman to decide to make such a major life choice for the sake of serving someone else. Since when did selflessness cease to be a virtue and become a naïve choice worthy of pity for those who choose it? Thankfully, as the lies of modern feminism are being revealed as the deception that they are, the tide seems to be turning. I hope it continues to do so. We still have a lot of work to do to rescue the next generation from the selfish and fruitless choices of the last one.