My Thoughts on "Where Do Feminists Come Up With This Stuff?"
I've been sitting on the previous post for a month or more, trying to decide whether or not to post it, knowing that it was sure to offend at least one or two people I know IRL. But then, I thought- #1- it's my blog and #2- I've certainly read things on others blogs that offended me and I didn't stop reading or work myself into a huff over their opinions. So, I decided to go ahead and post it.
I've been thinking about why that blog post in particular struck such a chord with me. I think it's because of a recurring phrase I hear from working women and if I've heard one woman say it to me then I've heard 30 women say it-
I can't afford to stay home. It must be so nice that your husband makes such a good income- I'd love to stay home but my husband doesn't make enough money.
Or some variation thereof. Always the same theme- I'd love to stay home but we don't make enough money. You don't really understand our financial situation because your husband must make more than mine does.
Before I even get started on that, I am SURE that this is true of some women. If this is true for you then there's no need to get worked up into a huff about what I'm about to say.
Here's what I've seen or heard lately:
I can't afford to stay home. Driving a new car, taking frequent weekend vacations.
I can't afford to stay home. Thinking about selling their home and trading up for a bigger house, bigger yard.
I can't afford to stay home. Lives about a 30 minute drive from town. Drives in to town at least once a day, often two or three times a day because she "forgot" something, "needs" xyz today, etc.
I can't afford to stay home. Spends a crazy amount of money in each week on groceries but won't plan a menu or do once-a-week grocery shopping (both of which would probably save her several hundred dolllars a month) because it's "not her style".
I can't afford to stay home. Her husband is a teacher. They have two cars, internet, TIVO, cell phones, etc. (they have one child) All nice things but not necessities. I have another friend who's husband is also a teacher and she stays home with their four children. It's very tight, they go without lots of extras, but they make it work. Her husband probably makes $2300 a month after taxes (guessing here, based on what I know about Guilford County Teacher pay) and they find a way for her to stay home with FOUR children. Pretty impressive.
I guess it BUGS me to hear women say these things to me as if I'm living some sort of privileged life. I go without LOTS of things so we can afford for me to be at home. Here's just a few of the things I often go without so I can stay home- I've included what I know about a couple of IRL friends who stay home as well:
I drive a 2001 van. It's seven years old. I plan to drive it a looong time unless something happens. Would I like a new car? Sure, it'd be nice. But you know what's nicer- no car payment so I can afford to stay home.
My IRL friend has one car for their family which her husband drives to work most days. If she needs the car that day she has to get up early, load all three kids in the car and drive him to work. Most days she is without a car. But she gets to stay home.
We rarely eat out other than Tuesday night pizza at Mario's.
We do have cable but it's only basic cable. No extended cable, tivo, etc. If we needed to, I'd get rid of cable and switch to a cheap Trac Fone if it would ease the budget. cIt might seem like a small thing but cutting out cable, expensive cell phone plans, etc. will really add up.
One of the things I miss about working days is an unlimited grocery budget. I went to the store whenever I wanted to and bought whatever I wanted. Menu planning and shopping once-a-week really has saved us thousands of dollars. When I first started menu planning 4-5 years ago, we were spending $900-$1100 a month on groceries. Within a few months of doing menus I had it down to $400 a month. Even now, with grocery prices sky rocketing, we spend $700 a month- that includes diapers, formula, dog and cat food, all paper products and drug store items, OTC meds and food. Plus, I'm feeding a family of 5 instead of 2 or 3.
I consolidate errands and only go into town twice a week. Tuesday nights for pizza and usually one other day. With gas prices going through the roof, there have been months where I only had enough cash set aside for 2 tanks of gas. For a month. This means I need to stay home most of the time.
I lived in our previous home for seven years before moving to our new home. This was the house that my husband and his first wife lived in. It never really felt like "my" home. Kip had lived there for 20 years. It was the house he picked out. But I stayed because staying there meant we could put our money towards paying down debts and later, it meant I could stay home.
I have a very limited amount of spending money each week. I rarely have new clothes. We don't take hardly any vacations or weekend get-aways. I drive a very used car. I stay home, literally, instead of going out as much as I'd like to. I scrimp on our grocery money. If I had to, I'd cancel cable, cancel my cell phone, sell my car, whatever it took to stay home. The thing is- if you look at our finances on paper- we can't afford for me to stay home. But we make it work because it is a priority above ALL other things- above vacations, cars, new clothes, spending money, restaurants.
I used to be a preschool teacher at Primrose. I'll never forget this one woman- the mother of one of the children in my class. You know what she said to me? "I know that it would probably be best for T. if I stayed home but we've just gotten used to a certain standard of living and I don't want to go without.". Wow. 11 years later I can still remember her saying that.
If you're working because you WANT to work and you love it and can't imagine not working and it's what you and your husband have decided it's what works for YOUR family than that's great. More power to you. I know some women who outright say so and for that I have a certain admiration.
But if you're working and telling me you want to stay at home and can't afford it- well, in most cases, I'm just annoyed. Because you know what? We can't afford it either.
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