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Our oldest is now 17 years and 11 months old. Next month, he will be 18. For those of you who don't know, we adopted Paul and his brother Chris in 2001. Paul was just turning 10. Our journey with him has been...rocky. I guess that is the best way to state it. He came to us with many, many 'issues', many, many medications and after many (we were his 9th) foster homes. He did NOT need (as we were told by the professionals who knew him best) *JUST* love and consistent structure. He, of course needed these things..but he needed sooo much more. On balance, I am not sure I was up to the task most days. I just finished writing a handful of e-mails to teachers wanting desperately to help him graduate. Paul, while he states he wants to graduate, wants to do nothing to gain it. He lies about homework. He plays the teachers off his dad and me. He plays the computer system that the school has to keep parents up to date against both us and the school. We have been very blessed. Our two oldest go to two different schools (one private and one public). In both, we have found the teachers to be hard working, caring and dedicated. So many people have hard to deal with, uncaring and downright horrible schools and teachers. We don't. Ours our great. It is October and Paul is already failing 2 classes, is behind in 3 classes and in danger of failing 2 of those classes. 2 of these classes are MUST take for graduation. He gives lip-service to 'how upset he is' at not having this done. He laments that he "doesn't have time" (he does, if he manages his time even a little bit). He complains that everyone is out to get him. Why should he have to do so much work? Where did this 'entitlement' mentality come from? Why won't he take responsibility for his mistakes unless he is badgered into it (yes, i have badgered him...and he will reluctantly accept it...verbally but not internally)? Why is he the same emotionally as he was when he was 9....if not more so? Is this the foster care system ...teaching them to lie, to slip thru, to just get by in order to survive? Did we do something or not do something? We have always held him responsible for the things he did or didn't do. We have always tried to help him see what he could do to change, improve, cause things to happen for himself and to help him to understand the difference between things that happened to him in his past that were not his fault...and the things now that he is either letting happen, not causing or causing to happen. We are trying to give him the tools/knowledge to be in control of his life rather than just a 'victim' of it. Still, if he graduates, it will be not because he stood up and took charge of himself, but because his dad and I , his teachers and support staff, even his Sergeant (recruiter/commander while he is in "delayed entry") dragged him to classes, stood over him while he grudgingly did his work (and gave lots of verbal abuse, bad attitude and tried to make whomever feel guilty and/or angry for even trying to help him), gave him extra (lots) time, extra help and let things slide...all so he could graduate on time and enter the US Army. Is this serving him in the end? Or is it just helping him to be more dependent, more blaming, more ignorant of his choices and abilities to impact his own life rather than just floating along being miserable? In the end, everyone says I just have to let him go and see how the world really works. Will that help? Will he see HIS own power to impact or will he just blame everyone and everything else? This grieves me so as I am not someone who likes to fail. I feel like I have failed him. I second (third, fourth) guess myself and my raising of him in the 9 years I had with him. As he goes off to the military (and be sure we are VERY proud of the choices he has been making in this regard---although we have done quite a bit of driving, coaching and pointing in this direction, he has had to pass the tests, do the physical training, make the phone calls, etc. This IS his "hard" work here.) how can I not help but be concerned that he is ill-equipped mentally, emotionally and educationally for the task of manhood. Most days I don't like him...not at all...but ALL days, I love him as if I had given birth to him. And the concern for him is almost palpable. He is Risen, Just as He said! |
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