My Journey Toward A Trusting Heart

Chapter 5

Phil and Cherri were attending a little church in Linn Grove called “Riverside Presbyterian.” Most of the families in the church had been in the community for a long time and were dear to the Driver family.

This group of people embraced us like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Since I had never really ever found myself “in need,” it never occurred to me what it might be like to have a church family actually become “Jesus with skin on” and be such a blessing.

Earlier in the year, the church leadership had voted to do some remodeling on the church’s parsonage, or “manse.” Several in the church felt this was a waste of time and money: there was no pastor living in the manse. The church was enjoying the interim ministry of Terry and Rosetta Nerem, and they owned their own home a few miles from Linn Grove. They had no need of the manse.

But, work on the house commenced anyway.

The entire interior was remodeled! A bathroom was completely gutted and replaced; the walls were textured and painted. The kitchen was wallpapered, and the carpets were cleaned. And all this with no permanent pastor in sight!

When Phil started asking around about housing for us, someone in the church said, “Why don’t we offer them the manse? There is no one living in it, and there is no one in sight to do so anytime soon…..they should have a place to live.”

And so it was.

Shortly after Labor Day, Riverside Presbyterian Church opened their home to us. This is my email/journal entry:

“Phil and Cherri’s church, Riverside Presbyterian, in Linn Grove, is allowing us to use their vacant parsonage while we are here! It’s a lovely old house, and is like new on the inside. We are so blessed. This little congregation of about 100 has just taken us under their wings – they are also gathering furniture and furnishings so we can truly make a “home.” God knows what we have need of before we ask!”

Our Riverside family brought beds, a sofa, chairs, kitchen table, linens. And all this was their GIFT to us. We lived in that house rent- and utility-free for the next 8 months. We could not have had a more beautiful situation if we’d had a palace!

I will never forget their love and kindness to us in those days. It was what we needed and they answered Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor.”

Naturally during those days we still continued to ask God “why”, and wondered what was truly going on in the spiritual realm. We had enlisted the prayers of everyone we knew, and had been blessed to receive email letters from people we didn’t know, from countries whose names we could not pronounce, that they were praying for us. It goes without saying that I was pondering so many things in my heart and mind, and searching for answers.

Email, September, 1996:

“We know in our hearts that this is a spiritual battle we’re fighting here. Satan has had control of Lithuania for so long that he is not going out without a fight.

Mike’s faith is strong and his spirits are on top of it all. He is convinced that we’ll be going back before too long. I am guarded, though. I know that even if a million people are praying, sometimes God says no. I have no doubt that GOD CAN perform a miracle if He chooses to be glorified in that way, and I believe that when His word says “what Satan meant for evil God meant for good” doesn’t necessarily mean that God changes the circumstances. I know that sickness is NOT from God, that cancer was NOT his idea, but I also know that He will be glorified in this regardless of the end results. I want Mike to be around for at least another 50 years (he balks at that!), but I am also rational enough to know that good, saved people die everyday, and God works mighty things in those lives even in death. Please don’t misunderstand me and think I have written Mike off and that I am convinced he is going to die—I haven’t. The Drs have said we can fight this, but that it will never go away. If we get the lungs and brain cleaned up, in a few years it will show up again somewhere else. But, I know that this is a perfect scenario for God to really show His power—what the Drs say is incurable, God can wipe out with the touch of a finger…with a word, or a breath.

“As you can probably see, my theology has been tested during this time. I still have faith that God CAN work a miracle, and we are praying for one. We are asking that HE will be seen in each of us each step of this way we are traveling, and we so desire to return to Lithuania and pick up where we left off. We fell in love with the country and the people we met. Leaving them after only three weeks was as difficult as leaving our own families. Our hearts are really there—but we know that God can use someone else. We were obedient, and maybe that’s what God is looking for. Who knows? We may never have the answers to that question—but God will be lifted up.”

We attended Riverside each Sunday and enjoyed the fellowship and the ministry of the word. The friends there became part of our “family.”

It was at this time that I volunteered to lead worship, taking turns with other volunteers on a rotating basis. It was a ministry that I’d had some experience with, and did not take lightly.

I worked diligently to put together a meaningful worship service, and worked with the organist, Minnie, to make it goes smoothly.

I introduced new choruses to the congregation, and even brought in a few “toe-tappers”. It was a special time. And it also worked out to be more of a permanent “job” for me during our time at Riverside. I loved it, and there was such a great response from the congregation. I truly believe the Spirit of the Lord was there in a fresh way…something we all needed and craved.

“He has been coughing up quite a bit of blood the past 2-3 days; the Dr thinks its just infection so he put Mike on a $100 antibiotic—yuk! Says in a couple of days it should reduce then eliminate the bleeding. If it doesn’t, then its connected to the lung tumors, and if that’s the case then they will probably need to do radiation on the lungs. Well, you’ll have to seek the leading of the Holy Spirit about how to pray about this. I am lost…..I will determine to keep praying and believing even tho my heart hurts to see Mike going thru this. It ain’t easy, but I know the Lord is here in this house and he brings peace when I am quiet enough to hear it and feel it. But I just wish it would all go away. I already told the Lord that I didn’t want to  play this game anymore….but He seems to be wanting to teach me more, so I am  trying  to be a good pupil.

“The girls are doing well. Grandma brought them home from Aunt Cherri’s tonight tucked them into bed for us. What gifts Mike’s family are  to us. Pray a blessing on them, will you? We could never repay what they have done for us in all of this.

(October 9)

“Mike hasn’t had a very good day, and so isn’t up to writing. He is having some pain in his chest, much like when he had pneumonia in July, so I am hoping that’s a good sign. I’d like to think that those tumors are just breaking up and coming out! Anyway, he is feeling a little puny today. He does send his best to each of you and much thanks for the prayers.

“Its harder for me when he doesn’t feel good. I need an extra measure of grace during these days.

“We look forward to hearing from you when the mood strikes and time allows. We are looking forward to going home to St. Joe the weekend of the 20^th, providing Mike is feeling good again. So, if you are in St. Joe and you are reading this, pray us thru all this. We miss you all and want to be with you. Mike says he’s going to have to feel much better than he does now to make the trip. We’ll let you know.

“Still love you all so much. Covet your continued prayers for all things. God is meeting all our material needs and we are thankful for that. Riverside Presbyterian is going more than the 2^nd mile. We are looking for ways to be useful to them while we are here. In a couple weeks I will be leading worship and Mike will be doing the ‘children’s sermon.’

“Even tho I see all the blessings, it has been a discouraging week, just because there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. The girls are doing great and seem to be handling everything well. God is meeting every need, and then some. I just wish it would go away. Its easy to forget the seriousness of this illness when Mike is feeling good, and such a bummer when he doesn’t. I get tired of asking God to touch him. I know He is working in all this, but it sure is hard to keep that in mind in the meantime.

“Harvest is in full swing around here. Mike wants to be out in it—maybe Monday if he’s feeling better. He loves spending time with Phil and Royce and Dad.

“I have been worrying too much, and feeling that God is so silent. Not sure what he wants of me right now. I feel like I should be doing something spiritual, but it beats me what. I really feel that maybe things would improve with Mike if I was doing the right thing, but I don’t know what the ‘right thing’ is. Any ideas?

“Guess that sums it all up for now. In the words of Phillips, Craig and Dean: ‘thank you for praying; praying for me. I never could repay you for the time spent on your knees. I’m where I am today because you chose to pray and intercede…”

Have you ever felt like I felt? “…maybe things would improve with Mike if I was doing the right thing, but I don’t know what the right thing is”? I felt so much as if it were up to me to “earn” Mike’s healing. I was still struggling with letting it go, and resting in God for His perfect plan.

Talking with the girls during this time was difficult. After all, how could I make a promise I could not keep? How could I tell them, without a doubt, that Daddy would be all right?

A few weeks before Krissi turned nine, I found her still awake long after I’d tucked both girls in for the night. I sat beside her on the bed and we talked a little bit about what she was thinking about. She confessed that she was afraid Daddy was going to die, and she had had dreams about it. Well, what could I say? All I could tell her is that God is able to heal Daddy, and that we would keep praying every day for that, and that we would trust God no matter what.

I did not have what it took to tell my children that daddy WASN'T going to die—I didn’t KNOW that, did I? Is it enough to “name it and claim it?” I mean after all, all the people Jesus healed on this earth are dead now, right? We will not live forever.

All I felt I could do with the girls was to speak peace and trust in God to them, even while my own heart was struggling for that. Needless-to-say, I begged our friends to pray for the girls, and to pray that I would have wisdom in working them through all this grief.

We had all been raised to KNOW that when we pray, God answers. Up until this point in my life, I took it for granted that something as serious as this, and something as serious as Lithuania – surely that would merit God’s favor! Mike certainly assumed that. He even went so far as to tell the girls that he was going to be fine. I never did.

In those weeks we received books and tapes and videos on healing. We read them, watched them, listened to them, hoping that it we’d figure out the formula for ‘getting healed.” Thing is, I KNOW God is actively healing people and still works miracles.  But at that point I was not convinced that He did that for everyone, every time it was asked. I could not figure out how that worked.

Many months after all this, I got into a Christian “chat room” on the internet. It was not something I spent much time doing, but for some reason I found myself chatting with strangers about “life.”

It didn’t take long to see that there was an individual in this chat room that had a pretty strong conviction about prayer and healing. I asked, “What are your thoughts regarding a Christian dying from cancer?”

“Its clear that there was some sin in the person’s life, or he would have been healed!” I was both shocked and amazed that this person actually believed that.

We continued this conversation, with several others jumping in. It was clear this person was very much alone in his/her belief. When I explained (briefly) my personal situation, I was bombarded with condolences and sympathies, but no other criticisms that we had sin in our lives and therefore were being punished.

While I do not intend this book to be a treatise on healing, or to even begin to guess at how or why God does what He does, I can certainly offer my opinion or at least my perspective.

Like I said earlier, I do believe that God is a God of miracles. Every single day there are things that can only He can accomplish in the lives of His children. But, as I also said, I know that good people die every day. You probably know someone that has died “before their time.” We certainly cannot know the mind of God. We cannot know His plans and purposes, or the reasons certain things happen the way they do.

Maybe you can relate to this: when I was a kid, sometimes I’d pick up a book, but before reading it, wanted to know how it ended. If the ending was a happy one, then the story was worth reading. If the ending was sad, I didn’t bother with the story. Who wants a sad or disappointing ending?

That’s sort of how I felt about Mike. I told God, “Tell me how this ends, and I can deal with the here and now. I will be able to plan my life, either way.” He was silent.

I know I slumped into a depression during those days. I slept a lot. I guess in some ways it was an escape hatch from the reality of the situation. And, I was also bored some of the time. There was little to do, few places to go. The girls were in school all day; I was not working; Mike was either well enough to help on the farm, or he was too sick to be up and about at all. Sleeping was a welcomed hiding place.

This is the email letter I received from Mary Beth Holliday, mid October, 1996:

“Dear Kim,

I hear your heart. Thank you for your openness. I want to be careful not to abuse it by offering well-meaning ‘advice’ which leaves you cold and further from God. I have learned that it is usually better to just listen and pray, than to offer my feeble attempts at being ‘wise.’

You asked if what you were describing ‘makes sense?’ Of course it does. After praying last evening and this morning some more…I do feel encouraged to share with you what ‘may’ be going on. Of course I’m no expert; I’m only in the process of learning this myself. But, if its helpful, then that’s good. If its not, feel free to say so.

“I’ve found that ‘usually’ when God is silent, it is when we take what we ‘think’ or ‘perceive’ our needs and self to be to Him, as we ‘think or perceive’ Him to be. Usually one or both are incorrect, so there is no ‘meeting’; only silence. He will use suffering, or difficult circumstances to break us, crush us, until only the ‘real’ me is left. And as I bring ‘me’, crushed, broken and needy to Him, the only one who really understands me, He meets me. He doesn’t desire that you glorify Him through all this, He just wants you to love Him, and know His intimate love for you. Does that sound heretical? I’m more convinced than ever that the Lord is pursuing us passionately, because He wants to be known by us!

“In Luke 18:31-43, I’ve wondered why when Jesus was walking His last days on earth, and need a real ‘support group’ around Him, he didn’t have one! He told His disciples, ‘…they are going to spit on me, mock me, beat me and kill me.’ And then it says, ‘the disciples didn’t understand what He was saying. God kept it from them.’ (my paraphrase).. Why did God keep it from them? Why, if He had to die on the cross for all the world’s sins, did He also have to walk those last days alone? I believe it was because God knew there would be those of us (you, at this moment) who would walk through the most difficult of times, seemingly alone. And there would be no one on earth who could understand fully the agony you are going through. No one but Jesus. And He is enough. He understands. That demonstrates tremendous love: that thousands of years ago, Jesus walked through what you are experiencing now, so that today, you are not alone it it.

“Later in those verses, Jesus asks Bartemaeus, ‘what do you want me to do for you?’ Of course Jesus already knew the answer. It was obvious! But all Bartemaeus had been saying up until this point was, ‘Lord have mercy on me. Lord have mercy on me.’ He was fretting, confused, helpless, needy, but unable (or unwilling) to state the obvious. He finally said, ‘Lord, I want to see.’ And Jesus gave him his sight. It’s a picture of God saying, ‘Marybeth, Kim, be specific. Ask me! Tell me what you want! I can handle it! I may say no, but you can trust me! I love you and will give you my best, even if it means great suffering.’ He wants us to pour our souls out to Him! Tell Him all! Your fears, your agony, your desires…be specific! Pour it all out, and then tell Him, ‘not my will, but yours!’

 “I imagine sleeping is a safe way to say, ‘Lord, I’m scared. I don’t know how to trust You, or what to trust you for. You may say no. You may take Mike home. I don’t want to be left behind. I’m hurting so badly. I want to honor you, but I don’t know how. Help me.” Is any of that true? I can hear Him saying, ‘Come to me, Kim. When you are weary and heavy laden, I will give you rest for your soul.’ He doesn’t expect you to perform well as the trusting, brave wife. He wants YOU! With all your fears, needs, concerns, etc. He doesn’t want you to handle them. He knows you can’t. He can. His is enough.

“Have I said more than I should? I am praying you will see His tender eyes filled with tears for you and Mike, right now. That you will feel His strong embrace and reassurance, that He is in control, and He will always care for you. I am praying for you to fall into His arms of grace.    Your friend in Him, Mary Beth.”

As you can imagine, receiving supporting, loving letters like these brought me great strength and comfort. To know my friends were praying for me, seeking the Lord’s face on my behalf meant so much. It was a joy to share these notes of encouragement with Mike, to assure him of the love of friends around the world.