My Journey Toward A Trusting Heart

Catching Up

As has become my habit, I've managed to overlook getting on here to update it. Thing is, its probably more therapy for me than it is for any reader...if there are any readers!?

I've become a bit paranoid regarding Colton's education. Am I doing enough for him for Kdgn? Will he be a First Grader come fall? What does that mean exactly? I've been encouraged that Kdgn is so easy...well, yeah, but shouldn't there be some work involved, too? I mean, how's he gonna learn what I 'think' he's supposed to be learning? The curriculum I bought just doesn't seem to fit us -- too many pipe cleaners and pom poms for me.

I think we have a rhythm of sorts, and he seems to be an eager learner. But I'm trying to note those things he seems to have trouble with...and there are a few. I'm not worried - YET, but pray we can figure out how to get those things through to him...

Otherwise, its snowing like crazy here today. And Mark took the Suburban to the airport...I'm praying I can get out to get Kate picked up from school this afternoon...getting up the driveway! I KNEW I should have had him take the car and leave me the truck. he said, "I don't think its supposed to snow!" Well, he was wrong. So here's hoping Kate won't have to sleep at school tonight!?

I've been digging through boxes of old papers -- docs and receipts. Boy does all that bring up a lot of memories. Not all good either. The documentation of Mark's 'previous life' -- all of which I knew/know, so there are no suprises in any of it...still, I am reminded of how far he has come -- how far WE have come in eight years. And impressed all the more of how much I love him and need him. I confess there's a bit of insecurity in all that...I've always had this image that he married beneath himself. I am such a bumpkin...Mark is handsome, suave, sophisicated, brilliant, organized, logical...all things I am not. Guess I do help to keep him humble! ha! But what a role...not sure I really like looking at it that way. Still its hard to see it otherwise.

Funny how I go through this valley so frequently. I'm fully aware that it is the ploy of the enemy to win this battle of confidence -- or lack of it. Lack of belief in myself. At the same time I go thru that, I start begruding my LIFE. It actually came up in a conversation Mark and I had yesterday...he's in Florida; he was bemoaning having to find someplace to eat. Gosh, what a delimma. He's eating out, ON THE BANK'S DIME; often at NICE places (not just Chili's or Friday's or Applebee's -- yes, sometimes it is one of those), but if he chooses, he can eat well. And, usually he can have company if he chooses. Intelligent, ADULT company...over a dinner someone else prepares and CLEANS UP.

I do become resentful of all that. Especially when I have RARE opportunities for that. Evenings are not conducive to my going out...WE don't go out often because it costs $$. And Mark is ever frugal. So, going out, FOR ME, is a rare treat indeed.

and you know what, I'm not even going to continue this conversation. what's the point? I'm whining and I know it.

So, that's enough of that.

That's not what you are paying $ for! ha!!

But in light of the fact that I am not in a positive mind-set today, I'll spare you and myself any more sniveling.

suffice it to say, I'm in a prayer mode. I need it desperately today.

We are planning a move back to Indy. Think I may have mentioned that before? We've wanted to go back for so long, but never felt the time was right. It is now.

Kate is struggling...as I knew she would. However, I am daily praying for the Lord to confirm all this to her once again...as He has in days gone by. Five years is a long time at her age...but there is much to look toward and I must rely on the Holy Spirit to continue to confirm that in her heart as He has in Mark's and in mine.

Mark and I are desperate for a place to serve...to give back. to use our gifts to serve. We are not interested in being stars...I'll just be happy to show up at Genesis Church and help set up chairs!

I was called into the ministry when I was 12...and by that, I mean that I had a distinct voice in my heart that God was setting me aside for a particular life of ministry and service. Of course at 12 I had no idea what that meant...but in time, I realized it as I married -- Mike was a youth and children's pastor for 13-1/2 years. I was there in the thick of things...nearly raising the girls in the church building...it was a very fulfilling time in my life.

The summer of 1998, I traveled and spoke and sang at churches; spoke at a couple of women's retreats -- I LOVED every second of that summer. It was awesome. It was ministry and I was fulfilled.

When I was in Springfield, as a single woman, my home was a retreat for several college girls...it was ministry and I was fulfilled.

Mark and I married -- and everything changed. For both of us. We came here, expecting to find (at least eventually) a place to serve. We have not. It is not for lack of trying, or in offering ourselves. But there are no takers.

We cannot forever go on unfulfilled in our quest to serve and to once again fulfil what each of us see as a lifetime call...not to necessarily be out front, but to simply BE part of a moving and growing congregation that needs us, and that we can FEEL needed and that we can give to. (I know, the grammar there is atrocious -- but it is 'real' -- as opposed to "to which we can give.")

So, we feel there is that opportunity in partnering with Jeff and Kim Smith at Genesis Church in Indy. Mark's expertise is needed...and I'm happy to watch him blossom in a new role -- and in a renewed one. And to see Kate contribute to a growing youth group -- she is like the Rich Young Ruler in Luke 8 (?). She has so much here -- equal to riches -- and I'm praying she will be willing to give it all up (sell her possessions) and follow Christ. I believe Jeff Smith is like the Macedonian in Acts 16: "Come over here and help us!"

We are not special -- someone else can do it...but we don't want someone else to do it. We want to do it. What's "IT"? I don't know...I only know I don't want to miss out.

For you who are reading this, will you pray for us? here's how I see it breaking down:

1. Pray for Katie; pray that she will KNOW in her heart that this is about her, too; its about her role in ministry to a church that needs young leaders with experience and passion like she has. She needs courage for all that.

2. Pray that we can get our house ready. We have much to do to get it shining for the market; we pray for top $ out of it. In these days of a "buyer's market" we are asking God's favor so that there will be much interest. We do have a nice place -- it could be ideal for several families...we are remodeling the kitchen completely; new tile and carpet thru out; new paint; we're moving out some furntiure to free up some room and give it all the spacious feel that it truly has;

3. Pray for the perfect home for us in Indy. We know what we need -- and what we want; I'm asking for God' best in this...we can get more house for the $ there, and we want to stay on the lower side of our price range.

Those are the biggies...THANK YOU for your prayers on our behalf. We appreciate it.

Come back again in a few days, and over the course of the next weeks, to see what's what. I'm sure there'll be some exciting things!