My Journey Toward A Trusting Heart

Courage, or whatever...

Today is not a good day. And it has nothing to do with homeschooling. At least not directly. We have taken an easy-entry this week, with only a few 'school'ish' things...mostly the boys are still playing w/ friends. I'm happy to report that I do feel I have a solid plan in place, and that I at least know where I'm going. That's a far-cry from where I was earlier this year...

The truth is, I'm just flat tired. I'm having severe "Mommy Fatigue" today...I'm weary of the whining, the needing, the demands, the messes, the dirt, the dishes, the meals, the laundry, the whining, the needing, the demands...Oh, did I already go there???

The thing I've suddenly come to resent about reading some blogs, or even articles, is that I rarely find anything but conviction. Or at least GUILT for not having it all together. For not being confident. Or organized. Or energetic. Or not putting my kids' needs first. (yeah, right), or not making a cup of tea and finding a quiet spot to reflect ( I don't even like tea)...I guess TODAY I feel I only come up WAY short of where other mothers are in their lives.

I read about the surface'y struggles, but rarely the dark ones. Like the one I'm having today. Like I want to just pack a suitcase and not look back. At least for a couple of days. And that's just not in the cards.

So, when you can't leave, what do you do?

There are few 'self' moments. Tho I admit to being wide awake at 4am the past few mornings...tossing and turning, thinking about everything and nothing...those are 'self' moments, I guess. Why can't I seem to relish that? Maybe because I didn't really 'choose' that moment to have to myself. But MAYBE that's all I'm gonna get, so I'd best figure out how to enjoy it.

Seems I can't even really pray about this...or at least verbalize to the Lord what I'm thinking. Of course I know He knows, but we all know its good to be able to 'get it out' now and then. But I can't even seem to do that. All I want to do today is cry. And there's really no place to go to do that by myself. And the other thing is, there's nothing really "wrong" -- its not like I can pinpoint a direct cause of this anxiety. I think there ARE several things on my mind that are stressful, but I'm not even sure that those, collectively, are a problem. They will work themselves out. So, I can't really say what this is all about. Except that I'm pooped.

You'd think I'd be sick of my own whining, wouldn't you? And what's really funny, as I sit and expound on my lot in life, I'm pretty sure no one will read this. And maybe that's not even important. Its not as if I want to call all my friends and complain to them...I can't think of many who really want to hear it. They have enough problems of their own...and really, this is not a 'problem'. I know its probably hormones (boy I wish I could just get through the change and be done with it), but it is still a suffocating or drowning feeling. And if I did talk to a friend about it, what would I say? And what could she say that I don't already know? "this too shall pass"...

Still, I'd love a break away from it all. But I know that's neither reasonable nor practical. Even thinking about a few hours away from home, which Mark would accomodate...where would I go? Considering all I want to do is cry. that'd be pretty dumb to go to the mall and sit somewhere bawling. Or to the bookstore, or waltzing around Wal-Mart...there is no where to go to hide.   However, I am writing this as the boys are outside playing w/ the neighbor kids...Mark is working in the yard...so I AM having a few quiet moments. Until they want popsicles.

I thought writing this all down might help. I'm pretty sure it hasn't, but there it is anyway.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I've been there

10:33 AM, Aug. 15, 2008 .. Posted by Anonymous

Kim, I had a feeling you had updated so I stopped by to see, sure enough. It is so good to know that you have days like I do. To many times, people, especialy moms put on a false face to be the "best" or to at least act that way. Motherhood is a hard job. It is hard when everyone needs you to do something for them and you never get to recharge yourself. Hang in there. You are a great mom and I am sure it will all pass. Lean on the arms of Jesus for his strength and make sure you get some time to yourself, even if it is a good cry. Hope today is a better day!

Love ya,
Leigh Ann

Been There...Done That

8:58 PM, Oct. 9, 2008 .. Posted by Dana

Wow- reading your blog entry was touching and brought back recent memories. Around the time I was feeling as blue as you were when you wrote this I read that folic acid (found in spinach) was good for helping balance out the natural chemical imbalance that enhanced depression. I have never been on medication of any kind but I thought hhmm, folic acid is natural. Eat a spinach salad. In an effort to speed up whatever I was searching for I purchased folic acid tablets- they are recommended during pregnancy and quite frankly I was at my happiest during that time so it seemed worth trying. I can't say it helped absolutely but I can say my happiness started returning at the same time. Coincidence? Natural progression? I don't know but I still take a little daily folic acid tablet...just in case!

I hope you are feeling better.

Dana
oursunnyside.blogspot.com