My Journey Toward A Trusting Heart | |
Chapter 7Email, “Mike had the 3rd chemo treatment yesterday. The x-ray showed no change, and Dr. Adjei was concerned about this. He says that if this chemo “recipe” is going to work, it will show a change in the tumor in the lungs after the 2nd treatment. It didn’t. He says its rare to show improvement after that. He tells us that if there is for certain no change after this 3rd treatment (which will be checked in the pre-therapy x-ray next time), then chemo isn’t going to work. Period. At that point, they will just let it go for a time, see what happens, then move to do radiation on the rumor in the lungs. In other words, we’re at the end of the medical rope. Today (its So where does this leave us? I guess in the words of a Scott Wesley Brown song, “when answers aren’t enough there is Jesus…” I am facing fear again. Just when I think I’m over the hill with that one, something ugly like this rears its head and I am struggling to stay in this boat of calm faith. “Yesterday I went to the great Christian bookstore in “Lucado recounts the time the disciples were in the boat on the Sea of Galilee; Jesus had ‘not yet come to them.’ Let me quote: “’What a chilling phrase, ‘Jesus had not yet come to them.’ Caught in the storm of the ‘not yet.’ They did exactly what Jesus said, and look what it got them! Its one thing to suffer for doing wrong. Something else entirely to suffer for doing right…the disciples had been on the sea for nine hours. How many times did they call out his name? Why did He take so long? Why does He take so long? Mark tells us that during that storm Jesus ‘saw his followers struggling.’ Through the night He saw them. Through the storm He saw them. And like a loving father, He waited. He waited until He knew it was time to come, and then He came. ‘What made it the right time? I don’t know. Why was the ninth hour better than the fourth or fifth? I can’t answer that…I don’t know. I only know His timing is always right. I can only say He will do what is best. ‘God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them’ (Luke 18:7). Though you hear nothing, He is speaking. Though you see nothing, He is acting. With God there are no accidents. Every incident is intended to bring us closer to Him.’” (permission to quote not secured) “Well, isn’t that powerful? But I tell you, my friends, I do feel like I hear nothing and see nothing. God is so silent sometimes, and I keep asking myself, ‘Am I missing something here? Is there something I’m NOT doing that is preventing the miracle from making its way to us?’ I just don’t know, and today, quite frankly, my heart aches for Mike. Yes, he looks find on the outside – except for his poor, bald head you’d never know he was sick. But it is just so hard to see him confined to the La-Z-Boy when I know he is not a lazy boy! I keep wondering what will happen to us, what is this time frame? Am I growing closer to God in all of this? Will I be able to look back and see the improvements He was able to make in Kim? I hope so. I sure don’t want this time to be a waste. “Once again, I have used up a lot of your precious time. You’ve probably figured out by now that I am using you all – ha! – You are a good sounding board, plus you can’t interrupt me when I am talking! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your patience with me, with us. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have this medium to vent all these feelings. Its definitely ‘free therapy’! “I love getting your replies. They DO lift and help me, so please take all the liberty you want. I print them out and save them to read over and over. “I promise to keep you updated. Take the liberty of passing the news on to your churches and prayer groups. I think I have decided that Mike is getting famous in all of this – amazing the letters and emails we’ve received from people we don’t even know, and also are hearing of churches praying for us that don’t even know us! What a way to make a name for yourself! DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME!” The weekend prior to this writing, Mike had a great weekend! Its amazing how good he felt going into the weekend, and how poorly he felt after that Monday chemo treatment. He’d enjoyed the company of a friend from On that Sunday morning, Mike shared the “Children’s Sermon” at The days following the third chemo therapy treatment were hard for Mike. He was weak, he was nauseated and he was just completely wiped out. He didn’t want company, which was so unusual for Mike. It just was not a good week. Like I said in my email, he spent most of his time in the recliner. It was really hard to see him like that. On Thursday, October 31, my mother had come from The next morning, Mike didn’t feel like getting up. The girls were getting ready to go meet the school bus, and Mike asked Kate for a kiss before she left; he also asked Krissi to bring him his medicine and a glass of water. She did this, and also kissed him good-bye. Less than an hour later, from his bed, Mike called out for me. His voice was panicked. My mom and I ran to his room, and he was frantically telling us he could not breathe. He was trying to pull up his shirt from off his chest… Mom asked him if he wanted us to open the window. Yes. So Mom opened the window. I asked Mike if he wanted me to call an ambulance. Yes. But he also wanted me to call one of his best friends, Jeff Genson. Jeff lived in Linn Grove and was a frequent visitor. He and Mike had been friends since childhood. I ran to the phone and first called Mom Driver. Then I called Cherri. She offered to call the ambulance. I then called Jeff Genson. I told them all to come, that Mike was having a “spell.” I didn’t know what else to call it. Mom Driver called Dad and Royce and Phil on the CB-radio they used on the farm. Cherri did call the ambulance, but they were 15 miles away. In minutes, everyone was there. Mike had, in the meantime, made his way, with my Mother’s help, down the stairs and into our enclosed front porch. Mom said later that he kept saying, “I am not going to die like this.” He layed on the floor in the porch, nearly climbing the walls for breath. I was still making calls at this time, and he asked my mom several times, “Where’s Kim?” Mom assured him I was there. When everyone got to our place, Mike was almost unconscious. Cherri, being an RN, gave Mike mouth-to-mouth. Soon after, the ambulance came, and continued their life-saving efforts, including using a defibulator. But it was to no avail. I knew when they took Mike from that house, he was already gone. We followed the ambulance to the We were all there….Mom and Dad Driver, my mom, Deanna; Phil and Cherri, Royce, Jeff Genson; our Riverside pastor, Terry Nerem; Mom and Dad’s pastor, Garth Lambe. To say that we were in shock would be an understatement. It was just so weird. To see Mike lying there, lifeless. It was surreal. I can’t really describe the feelings, thoughts, emotions. It was just numbing. What was so amazing to me, is that when Mike’s mother, Aurlette, embraced me, she said, “Oh Kimmie, I pray the Lord will bring someone wonderful into your life, to take care of you and the girls.” All I could say was, “I don’t even want to think about that.” Mom Driver and I talked about that later. It was her first concern that I and the girls were loved and cared for. I asked Mike’s dad, Bob, to make a call to the funeral home of their choice to make the arrangements. I was facing going to tell the girls. My mom drove me to the girls’ school, and waited in the car while I went in, but came to the school doorway when she saw Kate come out. Katie was in kindergarten, and Krissi in 3rd grade. We were so blessed with the teachers the girls had. Mrs. Blomberg, Kate’s teacher was so precious to Kate. She was kind and caring, and was so supportive and loving during that year. I went to Kate’s room first and I know the look on my face told Mrs. Blomberg all she needed to know. I asked for Kate to come with me, to bring her things. When Kate got into the hallway, I told her that Daddy went to heaven that morning. She asked me, “Does this mean Daddy died?” Yes, I told her. I told her that Grandma Dee was at the front door waiting for her. I watched as Kate walked out of the building, and Mom met her and swept her up into her arms and just held her. Next I went to Krissi’s room. When she came to the hall way, I told her what I’d told Kate. All she said was, "My dream came true.". We walked to the car and rode home in silence. I don’t remember much after that. This is the email I sent later that day: “Most of you have already called me, or have been called by me or someone else – but I wanted to send a note to let all of you know Mike went to be with Jesus this morning. I am winding down a very long day and after everyone has gone I am missing my Michael. I want you to know what an honor it has been for me to spend the best 13 years of my life with someone everyone loves. I said today that I really did marry above my station! Its so true. God really gave me the best man on the face of the earth. “I am not a pillar right now, and I know none of you expect me to be, and I just dread the nights without Mike, and the days and the seasons and the harvest and the LIFE without the best friend I ever had. “I know God is still a loving and wise God. He did not make this happen to us, but I know that Mike has received the ultimate healing and I am certain he doesn’t want to come back. “He had a better day yesterday, but this morning at about “Thank you for your faithful prayers and your FAITH. I have learned what real faith it: it is believing that GOD CAN, without the guarantee that HE WILL. There is no guarantee of that. Good grief, if the quantity of prayers were enough we’d be back in “The service will be in “Please know how much I love you all, and thank you for your friendship to Mike and me through the years. I will miss him so much, and I beg you to keep me and the girls in prayer and DON’T EVER feel like you are intruding if you’d call, or whatever. I NEED YOU NOW.” In a later email, I had this to say: “In those weeks following our return from “I learned that in the whole scope of God’s plan, sometimes he says no. No explanation, just ‘no.’ And I don’t think He thundered it, either. I heard it in a soft, gentle and loving voice, ‘No my child. I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.’ How in the world can you argue with that? He speaks as a wise and loving Father who knows what’s best. “In my mind I cannot see that taking Mike was the best thing God could have done, but then I don’t see the BIG PICTURE. God made the map, He’s holding it, and I’d rather trust the Navigator than the driver any day. “I surrendered Mike to the Lord fully on “Yes, I do miss Mike. He filled my life like no one else could. God knew we needed each other to be complete, and I am so thankful. I have had hard days already, and there will be more, I know. But I know “The Anchor Holds” and I will not drown. “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the countless prayers offered on our behalf. I know many of you were so full of faith that God would heal Mike – Believe me, MIKE IS HEALED. God did answer. I wish I could thank each of you personally for what this has meant to all of us in these past weeks. I will just have to depend on the Holy Spirit to bless you for your time spent in prayer for us. He’ll do better for you than can anyway, so you’re better off! “I covet your continued prayer support for my girls, Kristine (9) and Kate (6). We need God to be our Husband and Father, and knowing you are standing in the gap for us, we have no fear. God is listening.” Mike funeral service was a great tribute to his life. We laughed and cried as many friends shared favorite memories of times spent with Mike. We were blessed to have a more-than-packed church for his service in Another pleasant surprise was the presence of another college friend, Guy Penney. Guy and his wife Jane were friends from college, as well. They are native to Paul and Linda Ecker drove up from Mike’s childhood friends, Barry Jorris and Bill Wenig, both shared stories about Mike. The Iowa District Youth Director (Assemblies of God), Mark Oberbeck, had become a great friend over the years. All three of these men gave us many things to laugh about! Mike was cut from a one-of-a-kind cloth. He was stubborn, serious, tender-hearted, loving and dedicated. Each person who knew him testifies that Mike’s life touched them like no one else’s. In honor of Mike’s uniqueness, Susie and I worked together on Mike’s floral casket spray. We knew he wasn’t a “flower” kind of guy, so we chose a “woodsy” theme: branches and brush from the woods; a raccoon tail, an ear of corn, a pheasant tail feather. It was so “Mike.” Many remarked later how much they loved it. It seemed to fit his personality so well. We had a Memorial Service for Mike at our church in St. Joe. There were over 700 people in attendance. Among those were many children who had spent five years of their lives under Mike’s ministry there. There were several moving testimonies about how Mike touched their lives. I remember standing in a “receiving line” as our Caring First family came by to offer their love and to say a word about Mike. I said to each of those children, “Remember, Pastor Mike would say, ‘Live for Jesus. That’s what matters!” It was a lovely service. A wonderful tribute to a wonderful man. Chapter 6We made plans to make a trip to St. Joe to visit our Caring First church family. We stayed with our pastors, Steve and Sandy Poe. We were right at home with them, and it was such a great time. Interestingly enough, there was a baptismal service planned. Krissi wanted to be baptized, and wanted her Daddy to do it! So, she had the joy of being baptized by Mike. It was truly a special time, and a time for rejoicing with our church family. This was my journal entry following that visit: “We had a great weekend in St. Joe. There’s no doubt that this is the greatest church on this earth. Sunday was a great day, and 15 people made decisions for Christ on Sunday morning! PTL! God is moving at Caring First, and Mike and I feel so privileged to be part of that ‘happenin’ thing!’ “We had a great visit with the best staff in the world, and had breakfasts and lunches with dear friends. It was good for the people to see Mike, too, and to know he isn’t next to death’s door. We had a wonderful time. My joy was in getting to join my friends on the worship team all day – I really needed that. Thanks, Pastor David! We plan to make the trip as often as Mike is up to it. “Mike is feeling pretty good. We leave next Sunday evening for “We thank you all for your prayers and your faithful email. We love getting all these messages. I am sorry we are sometimes slow to answer personally, but we’ll eventually get to all of you. “We love you and continue to need your prayer support. This ain’t over til its over, and we do feel the strength the Holy Spirit gives us when you stand in the gap for us. Our prayer is that we can be useful during this time in our lives. I don’t want to look back on it and see that we wasted time or lost opportunities to be used of God.” During our short visit in St. Joe, we got to spend some time with our good friends, Joe and Deb Arnold, and their daughters. I met Debbie in 1992, as we were team-mates on a missions trip to Their girls, Jausta and Jeshua, were a perfect fit with Krissi and Katie. They often played together at our house or theirs, and we just had a great friendship. In the fall of 1994, Larry was tragically killed. He was trimming a tree for a lady in our church, and one of the branches he stepped out on broke off, sending him about 20 feet to the pavement. Needless to say, this was a horrible time for all of us. Besides being loved by the Caring First church family, Larry and Debbie were our close friends. It didn’t seem possible. I remember going to Debbie’s house the next evening, after Larry’s accident. I will never forget the strength and faith Deb had. That she was grieving her loss goes without saying, but she had something that went above and beyond her pain. I could not understand it at all. How could she talk about the goodness of God in the midst of this awful tragedy? Deb was a great example to me of trusting God. I spent much time with her in those early days following Larry’s home-going, and it always amazed me how she could bawl her eyes out, and still claim the goodness and faithfulness of God. For her sake, I was ready to curse God and die! It just made no sense at all. Larry was a loving and devoted husband and father. He loved the Lord with all his heart. He was a faithful servant to the Body at Caring First. It did not make any sense. Who could have known that only two years later, I would be facing a similar situation. And I, too, would have a choice to make. And Deb was to be a source of great encouragement in “my” days of grieving and confusion. In his book, “When God Doesn’t Make Sense,” Dr. James Dobson relates the story of Jim and Sally Conway, when the life of their daughter, Becki, was threatened with cancer. Pastor It was not so. Becki’s leg was amputated. And needless-to-say, this was a crushing blow to her dad. Through the process of his grieving, ANGER being a very large part of that for him, as it was for me, he said this: “I became deeply aware that there were only two choices I could make. One was to continue in my anger at God and follow the path of despair I was on. The other choice was to let God be God, and somehow say ‘I don’t know how all this fits together. I don’t understand the reasons for it. I’m not even going to ask for the explanation. I’ve chosen to accept the fact that You are God and I’m the servant, instead of the other way around.’ And there I left it….Its either despair, or its God. There’s nothing in between. Our family has chosen to hold on to God.” I saw this perspective mirrored in Deb’s faith. It would serve to be a great hope for me in the days to come. One day, while I was wallowing in self-pity, and asking the usual “why” questions: why us, why now, why me, why Mike, why the girls….etc etc etc, I honestly heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speak to me; “Kim, when you demand answers you sacrifice peace!” WOW!! I pondered that over and over and over again. It occurred to me that there are psych wards and taverns FILLED with people who’ve had terrible tragedy in their lives, and cannot, or WILL not accept God’s sovereignty in any of it. Their demand for answers has indeed driven them to the point of hopelessness and in some cases, madness. Their minds are troubled because their spirits are troubled. Now obviously this does not mean that every psychiatric case has its roots in loss or tragedy, but I contend that many just might have! And this does not even take into account the miserable lives out there who are merely “existing”, walking through life like a zombie. The pain is too great, too intense. They cannot forgive God. They might be asking Him, “Just who do you think you are?” Job asked the same thing, you may recall. God listened to him patiently, and finally when it seemed Job had run out of thing to whine about, God came back to him with this: Job 38:4ff, (my paraphrase) “Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers? Where were you when I placed the sun, the moon and the stars? Were you there when the oceans poured out of the earth, or when the mountains rose to their heights? I don’t think so.” Job replied, “I am nothing – how could I ever find such answers. I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.” The New Living Translation commentary has this to say, “God’s actions do not depend on ours. He will do what He knows is best, regardless of what we think is fair…Because we are locked in time, unable to see beyond today, we cannot know the reason for everything that happens. Thus, we must often choose between doubt and trust. Will you trust God with your unanswered questions?” You know, we are often encouraged, or URGED, by pastors and teachers to seek intimacy with Christ. First of all, you cannot trust someone you do not know. And I also offer that its pretty hard to be intimate with someone you don’t trust. Of course we know the world has its own definition of “intimacy,” but it’s a cheap attempt to achieve something we can have only when Christ is part of it. You can’t be truly intimate with your husband/wife, on all levels, if you don’t trust them, can you? Same with God. We hesitate to give Him what’s most precious because we are afraid of what He might do with it. That’s where I was, and I had a choice to make. Like Dr. Dobson said, “The Lord does not typically rush in to explain what He is doing.” And, “Clearly the Scripture tells us that we lack the capacity to grasp God’s infinite mind or the way he intervenes in our lives. How arrogant of us to think otherwise!” (permission to quote not secured) When confronted by the Holy Spirit, I made the choice then and there to accept that “peace that passes understanding.” My dear friend Deb had found it, and I knew in that moment it would be a choice I would not regret. Some years before all this began, I’d read a Christian fiction novel, written by B. J. Hoff, titled “Storm at Daybreak.” In that story, Ms. Hoff wove in a tremendous truth that struck me hard, even then: “You try to understand first. The fact is, though, that understanding is not the issue. There will always be things that are beyond our understanding. That’s why is it absolutely vital that we take God on faith and just trust His love – for ourselves and for others…we see today, but God sees eternity. We yearn for our comforts, but He wants our maturity, even if that maturing entails pain. In our search for happiness, we live for ourselves. But God says, ‘die to yourself – live for me!’ Christ has the right to either deliver me or not deliver me, but I don’t have the right to base my love for Him and my trust in Him on what he does for me. He’s already given his life for me. THAT’S what I base my faith on – the Cross. Nothing else.” (permission to quote not secured) It is certainly true that we all have hard things in life. There are a few that might sail through with only a few minor bumps, but they are the exception. The rest of us face so many trials, losses, hurts…it is all part of life. But all of it comes only with God’s permission, plan and purpose stamped on it. Because we belong to God we are covered with his feathers and his wings. Psalm 91 says, “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find REST (PEACE) in the shadow of the Almighty.” That’s where I want to dwell. Dr. Dobson says, “When nothing makes sense, when what we are going through is ‘not fair’, when we feel all alone in God’s waiting room, He simply says ‘Trust me!’” Like the But how about you? Do you trust God? Have you given to Him every precious thing in your life? I had to give Mike to God and TRUST Him with the outcome. I wanted to know how the story would end, but he said, “Trust me.” When I surrendered my demand for answers, His peace flooded my soul. In a sermon titled, “The Dark Side of Love,” Rev. Dan Betzer says this: “The love of our heavenly father can be tough, hard to deal with. It is the DARK SIDE OF HIS LOVE. God deals with us according to our ETERNAL needs. He will use the scalpel, he will use the deep valley; He will allows life’s thorns to ruthlessly tear our flesh. Sometimes he operates on us without any anesthetic. We don’t like it, of course. We cry out, ‘My God, why have you forsaken me?’ He has not forsaken us at all. He is showing us His love, but a side we know little about. But it remains His love, nevertheless. The question must be dealt with by every listener, and it must be considered by me as well: Am I going to trust God as fully during the dark-side manifestation of His love as I am when the sun is shining brightly? Is He the God of the night as well as the God of the dawning? When He takes me through the valley of the shadow of death, will I fear evil? Or must the sky always be blue and the clouds fleecy? These are the questions I must deal with honestly if I am ever going to be a mature believer. If I am going to truly make God the Lord of my life, then I must know how to accept the dark side of his love as well as the bright. “You may be going through a tough period in your life right now. Perhaps you think God has deserted you. But that’s impossible, because the promise of God is, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So God hasn’t left you. No, a thousand times, no. What I believe has happened is this: God has decided to take you on an adventure…and adventure into the DARK SIDE OF HIS LOVE. Don’t bail out now. Hang on, dear friend. Weeping only lasts for the night. Joy comes in the morning.” Again, B.J. Hoff, “Storm at Daybreak”: “We must acknowledge God’s absolute right to do with His creation as He wills. We just learn to trust the Lord’s love enough to surrender our own broken hearts and our searching souls to that love…In the abyss of pain we have to throw ourselves upon the mercy of our God – God can take the bitter dust of our loss and will breathe a new life of faith into being.” Isn’t it amazing how God brings along those “God-breezes” now and then, to bolster our wavering faith, and to help us find HOPE in the darkest of experiences? A friend sent me this: THE PERFECT PEACE OF GOD (Author unknown) That abiding sense of the Creator’s strength and care; The miracle of His life-changing power; The security of His never-ending love. It is a matchless gift of hope, consolation, And joy, free to all through a personal relationship With Jesus Christ. How about that? An “ ‘abiding’ sense of the Creator’s strength and care!” That means its with us all the time. It truly IS a miracle, and it does offer security, and hope and consolation and joy! And just think: ITS FREE to all of us through God’s Son. I pick that one: The Perfect Peace of God. How about you? Think about the alternative… Chapter 5This group of people embraced us like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Since I had never really ever found myself “in need,” it never occurred to me what it might be like to have a church family actually become “Jesus with skin on” and be such a blessing. Earlier in the year, the church leadership had voted to do some remodeling on the church’s parsonage, or “manse.” Several in the church felt this was a waste of time and money: there was no pastor living in the manse. The church was enjoying the interim ministry of Terry and Rosetta Nerem, and they owned their own home a few miles from Linn Grove. They had no need of the manse. But, work on the house commenced anyway. The entire interior was remodeled! A bathroom was completely gutted and replaced; the walls were textured and painted. The kitchen was wallpapered, and the carpets were cleaned. And all this with no permanent pastor in sight! When Phil started asking around about housing for us, someone in the church said, “Why don’t we offer them the manse? There is no one living in it, and there is no one in sight to do so anytime soon…..they should have a place to live.” And so it was. Shortly after Labor Day, Riverside Presbyterian Church opened their home to us. This is my email/journal entry: “ Our I will never forget their love and kindness to us in those days. It was what we needed and they answered Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor.” Naturally during those days we still continued to ask God “why”, and wondered what was truly going on in the spiritual realm. We had enlisted the prayers of everyone we knew, and had been blessed to receive email letters from people we didn’t know, from countries whose names we could not pronounce, that they were praying for us. It goes without saying that I was pondering so many things in my heart and mind, and searching for answers. Email, September, 1996: “We know in our hearts that this is a spiritual battle we’re fighting here. Satan has had control of Mike’s faith is strong and his spirits are on top of it all. He is convinced that we’ll be going back before too long. I am guarded, though. I know that even if a million people are praying, sometimes God says no. I have no doubt that GOD CAN perform a miracle if He chooses to be glorified in that way, and I believe that when His word says “what Satan meant for evil God meant for good” doesn’t necessarily mean that God changes the circumstances. I know that sickness is NOT from God, that cancer was NOT his idea, but I also know that He will be glorified in this regardless of the end results. I want Mike to be around for at least another 50 years (he balks at that!), but I am also rational enough to know that good, saved people die everyday, and God works mighty things in those lives even in death. Please don’t misunderstand me and think I have written Mike off and that I am convinced he is going to die—I haven’t. The Drs have said we can fight this, but that it will never go away. If we get the lungs and brain cleaned up, in a few years it will show up again somewhere else. But, I know that this is a perfect scenario for God to really show His power—what the Drs say is incurable, God can wipe out with the touch of a finger…with a word, or a breath. “As you can probably see, my theology has been tested during this time. I still have faith that God CAN work a miracle, and we are praying for one. We are asking that HE will be seen in each of us each step of this way we are traveling, and we so desire to return to We attended It was at this time that I volunteered to lead worship, taking turns with other volunteers on a rotating basis. It was a ministry that I’d had some experience with, and did not take lightly. I worked diligently to put together a meaningful worship service, and worked with the organist, Minnie, to make it goes smoothly. I introduced new choruses to the congregation, and even brought in a few “toe-tappers”. It was a special time. And it also worked out to be more of a permanent “job” for me during our time at Mike’s next chemo treatment was scheduled for October 8. This is what I wrote in my email update: “He has been coughing up quite a bit of blood the past 2-3 days; the Dr thinks its just infection so he put Mike on a $100 antibiotic—yuk! Says in a couple of days it should reduce then eliminate the bleeding. If it doesn’t, then its connected to the lung tumors, and if that’s the case then they will probably need to do radiation on the lungs. Well, you’ll have to seek the leading of the Holy Spirit about how to pray about this. I am lost…..I will determine to keep praying and believing even tho my heart hurts to see Mike going thru this. It ain’t easy, but I know the Lord is here in this house and he brings peace when I am quiet enough to hear it and feel it. But I just wish it would all go away. I already told the Lord that I didn’t want to play this game anymore….but He seems to be wanting to teach me more, so I am trying to be a good pupil.“The girls are doing well. Grandma brought them home from Aunt Cherri’s tonight tucked them into bed for us. What gifts Mike’s family are to us. Pray a blessing on them, will you? We could never repay what they have done for us in all of this. (October 9) “Mike hasn’t had a very good day, and so isn’t up to writing. He is having some pain in his chest, much like when he had pneumonia in July, so I am hoping that’s a good sign. I’d like to think that those tumors are just breaking up and coming out! Anyway, he is feeling a little puny today. He does send his best to each of you and much thanks for the prayers. “Its harder for me when he doesn’t feel good. I need an extra measure of grace during these days. “We look forward to hearing from you when the mood strikes and time allows. We are looking forward to going home to St. Joe the weekend of the 20th, providing Mike is feeling good again. So, if you are in St. Joe and you are reading this, pray us thru all this. We miss you all and want to be with you. Mike says he’s going to have to feel much better than he does now to make the trip. We’ll let you know. “Still love you all so much. Covet your continued prayers for all things. God is meeting all our material needs and we are thankful for that. “Even tho I see all the blessings, it has been a discouraging week, just because there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. The girls are doing great and seem to be handling everything well. God is meeting every need, and then some. I just wish it would go away. Its easy to forget the seriousness of this illness when Mike is feeling good, and such a bummer when he doesn’t. I get tired of asking God to touch him. I know He is working in all this, but it sure is hard to keep that in mind in the meantime. “Harvest is in full swing around here. Mike wants to be out in it—maybe Monday if he’s feeling better. He loves spending time with Phil and Royce and Dad. “I have been worrying too much, and feeling that God is so silent. Not sure what he wants of me right now. I feel like I should be doing something spiritual, but it beats me what. I really feel that maybe things would improve with Mike if I was doing the right thing, but I don’t know what the ‘right thing’ is. Any ideas? “Guess that sums it all up for now. In the words of Phillips, Craig and Dean: ‘thank you for praying; praying for me. I never could repay you for the time spent on your knees. I’m where I am today because you chose to pray and intercede…” Have you ever felt like I felt? “…maybe things would improve with Mike if I was doing the right thing, but I don’t know what the right thing is”? I felt so much as if it were up to me to “earn” Mike’s healing. I was still struggling with letting it go, and resting in God for His perfect plan. Talking with the girls during this time was difficult. After all, how could I make a promise I could not keep? How could I tell them, without a doubt, that Daddy would be all right? A few weeks before Krissi turned nine, I found her still awake long after I’d tucked both girls in for the night. I sat beside her on the bed and we talked a little bit about what she was thinking about. She confessed that she was afraid Daddy was going to die, and she had had dreams about it. Well, what could I say? All I could tell her is that God is able to heal Daddy, and that we would keep praying every day for that, and that we would trust God no matter what. I did not have what it took to tell my children that daddy WASN'T going to die—I didn’t KNOW that, did I? Is it enough to “name it and claim it?” I mean after all, all the people Jesus healed on this earth are dead now, right? We will not live forever. All I felt I could do with the girls was to speak peace and trust in God to them, even while my own heart was struggling for that. Needless-to-say, I begged our friends to pray for the girls, and to pray that I would have wisdom in working them through all this grief. We had all been raised to KNOW that when we pray, God answers. Up until this point in my life, I took it for granted that something as serious as this, and something as serious as In those weeks we received books and tapes and videos on healing. We read them, watched them, listened to them, hoping that it we’d figure out the formula for ‘getting healed.” Thing is, I KNOW God is actively healing people and still works miracles. But at that point I was not convinced that He did that for everyone, every time it was asked. I could not figure out how that worked. Many months after all this, I got into a Christian “chat room” on the internet. It was not something I spent much time doing, but for some reason I found myself chatting with strangers about “life.” It didn’t take long to see that there was an individual in this chat room that had a pretty strong conviction about prayer and healing. I asked, “What are your thoughts regarding a Christian dying from cancer?” “Its clear that there was some sin in the person’s life, or he would have been healed!” I was both shocked and amazed that this person actually believed that. We continued this conversation, with several others jumping in. It was clear this person was very much alone in his/her belief. When I explained (briefly) my personal situation, I was bombarded with condolences and sympathies, but no other criticisms that we had sin in our lives and therefore were being punished. While I do not intend this book to be a treatise on healing, or to even begin to guess at how or why God does what He does, I can certainly offer my opinion or at least my perspective. Like I said earlier, I do believe that God is a God of miracles. Every single day there are things that can only He can accomplish in the lives of His children. But, as I also said, I know that good people die every day. You probably know someone that has died “before their time.” We certainly cannot know the mind of God. We cannot know His plans and purposes, or the reasons certain things happen the way they do. Maybe you can relate to this: when I was a kid, sometimes I’d pick up a book, but before reading it, wanted to know how it ended. If the ending was a happy one, then the story was worth reading. If the ending was sad, I didn’t bother with the story. Who wants a sad or disappointing ending? That’s sort of how I felt about Mike. I told God, “Tell me how this ends, and I can deal with the here and now. I will be able to plan my life, either way.” He was silent. I know I slumped into a depression during those days. I slept a lot. I guess in some ways it was an escape hatch from the reality of the situation. And, I was also bored some of the time. There was little to do, few places to go. The girls were in school all day; I was not working; Mike was either well enough to help on the farm, or he was too sick to be up and about at all. Sleeping was a welcomed hiding place. This is the email letter I received from Mary Beth Holliday, mid October, 1996: “Dear Kim, I hear your heart. Thank you for your openness. I want to be careful not to abuse it by offering well-meaning ‘advice’ which leaves you cold and further from God. I have learned that it is usually better to just listen and pray, than to offer my feeble attempts at being ‘wise.’ You asked if what you were describing ‘makes sense?’ Of course it does. After praying last evening and this morning some more…I do feel encouraged to share with you what ‘may’ be going on. Of course I’m no expert; I’m only in the process of learning this myself. But, if its helpful, then that’s good. If its not, feel free to say so. “I’ve found that ‘usually’ when God is silent, it is when we take what we ‘think’ or ‘perceive’ our needs and self to be to Him, as we ‘think or perceive’ Him to be. Usually one or both are incorrect, so there is no ‘meeting’; only silence. He will use suffering, or difficult circumstances to break us, crush us, until only the ‘real’ me is left. And as I bring ‘me’, crushed, broken and needy to Him, the only one who really understands me, He meets me. He doesn’t desire that you glorify Him through all this, He just wants you to love Him, and know His intimate love for you. Does that sound heretical? I’m more convinced than ever that the Lord is pursuing us passionately, because He wants to be known by us! “In Luke 18:31-43, I’ve wondered why when Jesus was walking His last days on earth, and need a real ‘support group’ around Him, he didn’t have one! He told His disciples, ‘…they are going to spit on me, mock me, beat me and kill me.’ And then it says, ‘the disciples didn’t understand what He was saying. God kept it from them.’ (my paraphrase).. Why did God keep it from them? Why, if He had to die on the cross for all the world’s sins, did He also have to walk those last days alone? I believe it was because God knew there would be those of us (you, at this moment) who would walk through the most difficult of times, seemingly alone. And there would be no one on earth who could understand fully the agony you are going through. No one but Jesus. And He is enough. He understands. That demonstrates tremendous love: that thousands of years ago, Jesus walked through what you are experiencing now, so that today, you are not alone it it. “Later in those verses, Jesus asks Bartemaeus, ‘what do you want me to do for you?’ Of course Jesus already knew the answer. It was obvious! But all Bartemaeus had been saying up until this point was, ‘Lord have mercy on me. Lord have mercy on me.’ He was fretting, confused, helpless, needy, but unable (or unwilling) to state the obvious. He finally said, ‘Lord, I want to see.’ And Jesus gave him his sight. It’s a picture of God saying, ‘Marybeth, Kim, be specific. Ask me! Tell me what you want! I can handle it! I may say no, but you can trust me! I love you and will give you my best, even if it means great suffering.’ He wants us to pour our souls out to Him! Tell Him all! Your fears, your agony, your desires…be specific! Pour it all out, and then tell Him, ‘not my will, but yours!’ “I imagine sleeping is a safe way to say, ‘Lord, I’m scared. I don’t know how to trust You, or what to trust you for. You may say no. You may take Mike home. I don’t want to be left behind. I’m hurting so badly. I want to honor you, but I don’t know how. Help me.” Is any of that true? I can hear Him saying, ‘Come to me, Kim. When you are weary and heavy laden, I will give you rest for your soul.’ He doesn’t expect you to perform well as the trusting, brave wife. He wants YOU! With all your fears, needs, concerns, etc. He doesn’t want you to handle them. He knows you can’t. He can. His is enough. “Have I said more than I should? I am praying you will see His tender eyes filled with tears for you and Mike, right now. That you will feel His strong embrace and reassurance, that He is in control, and He will always care for you. I am praying for you to fall into His arms of grace. Your friend in Him, Mary Beth.” As you can imagine, receiving supporting, loving letters like these brought me great strength and comfort. To know my friends were praying for me, seeking the Lord’s face on my behalf meant so much. It was a joy to share these notes of encouragement with Mike, to assure him of the love of friends around the world. Chapter 4When we made the calls to our families back in the States, Mike’s family began looking into where we should consider going for medical diagnosis and then treatment. As it was, not long before this happened, Dad Driver had read an article about the fantastic team of neurology doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. And since we didn’t know where else to start regarding Mike’s condition, that seemed like the best place. Mike’s sister, Susie, is a Registered Nurse. At Dad’s suggestion, Susie called the Clinic and spoke with someone in the Neurology department. Because coming into the Clinic as an outpatient can take weeks, or even months to schedule, they advised us to come to St. Mary’s Hospital. From there, Mike could be assessed and diagnosed and then we would know how to proceed. We decided to leave the girls in the care of Phil’s wife, Cherri. She offered to keep them for as long as necessary, and we also agreed that it would be a good idea to enroll the girls in school. We didn’t know what they days ahead would hold, and it was important to all of us that the girls feel some sense of security and stability. So, on Monday, August 19, Aunt Cherri enrolled Krissi and Katie in school with Leah and Rachel. Leah was in 4th grade, Krissi in 3rd. Kate and Rachel started Kindergarten together! It was more than a little heartbreaking that Mike and I were not there to see Kate off to school on the first day, but in her usual thoughtful fashion, Cherri took video footage of the morning! It was the next best thing!! Knowing the girls were being loved and cared for by a “mommy” was truly a blessing and a load off our shoulders. I will always be grateful to On Saturday, August 17, we drove (with Mom and Dad Driver, Susie, and Phil) to We walked into the ER. I went to the admissions desk, told them our names and they said, “Come right on back. We’ve been expecting you.” There were several doctors that visited Mike in those first few hours in the ER. They asked lots of questions, did several little tests, and then made arrangements for Mike to be admitted into the hospital. Initially, the doctors were discussing doing surgery on the one brain tumor. That surgery was tentatively scheduled for Wednesday, August 21. In the meantime, several other tests would be run to see just what else might be going on. I know now that the doctors had an “inkling” about what was really happening, but without proper testing, it would have been presumptuous for them to give us a diagnosis based on just “inkling.” On Monday, August 19, Mike under-went a “bronchoscopy”, a procedure whereby they insert a tube into the lungs and take scrapings, or samples, of the tissue.. On that day, I sent this in an email: “We are sure God is in control and I am asking for strength and courage to face whatever He allows. I want Mike to be well and strong, so we can go back to telling.” The test results didn’t come back until the next day. It was this test that gave us the news that Mike had “non-small-cell squamous carcinoma.” It was virtually just like smoker’s cancer. We were stunned. “Smoker’s cancer?” How could this be? Mike didn’t smoke. Mike had never been around cigarette smoke. There is no history of cancer in his family. It was truly a shock. I was afraid. This is what I wrote in an email I sent out to friends on Tuesday, August 20: “The bad news came today. Mike has cancer in his lungs. I am devastated. Grasping for sense and answers. Not getting any. Where is God? Thousands are praying for us and in my heart of hearts I want God’s perfect best in this. I am afraid, though. Even knowing that God is in control I am afraid of tomorrow. We want God to be glorified here, but I am afraid of the price. I don’t want to live without Mike. I don’t want the girls to not have a daddy. I don’t want Bob and Aurlette to lose another son. I don’t want the world to lose him either….we don’t know what the future holds. I am trying to remember Who holds the future… (Later that day) “I do feel the strength from the prayers of our friends as the day goes along. I was cracking up when the Chaplain was here. I am reminded of the tie the disciples asked Jesus about the man born blind. Their question, ‘Who sinned? This man’s father or mother?’ Jesus said, ‘Neither, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life…’ How will God’s work be displayed in this?” When I say I felt the strength from the prayers, I mean that! There IS comfort and strength in the prayers of the saints, and maybe even in those who aren’t so saintly! However that works, I know I was feeling better and more full of faith than earlier in the day. Still, I was afraid. This is my email “journal” entry for Tuesday, August 20: “They came and told us this evening that they found two more tumors on Mike’s brain and cannot operate. We are in Stage IV, fast moving stuff…. “I know in my heart that God is more than able to heal Mike. I just don’t know if He will. I don’t want Mike to suffer. I don’t want the girls to watch their daddy die. I don’t want him to hurt. And from my private journal: “God, where are you? Can you please strengthen my heart?..♫.’Whom have I in heaven but You? There is nothing on earth I desire beside You. My heart and my strength, many times they fail, but there is one truth that always will prevail…God is the strength of my life…..and my portion forever.’ I am weak, Father. I know that you sometimes say, “NO.” I don’t want you to. Like Jesus prayed, I pray, ‘if you are willing, please let this cup pass from me.” “Help us be full of grace in all of this. Give me what I need to stand strong beside Mike and get him through whatever he may face. I am afraid, Lord. I have no help for that but You. I commit Mike and US, to your heart and your hands. Please use us. Help me to release him and the girls and me to your PERFECT care. You are good. You are merciful. You are faithful. I want to trust you. Help my unbelief. Take my fears and be glorified. Use ME in this valley…..I know you are out there somewhere, but WHERE?” I wish I could tell you that God just swooped down and took my hand, looked me in the eye and assured me that it would be all right. It didn’t happen. Every day I kept looking and listening for some explanation. There wasn’t one. Maybe He was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear Him. Following this diagnosis, Mike was released from the hospital and was then scheduled to return to We returned to Linn Grove on Friday morning, August 23. We stayed with Mom and Dad Driver over the weekend, and then on Sunday night, August 25, Mike and I drove back up to Following the Labor Day weekend, we returned to Mayo to complete the last 5 of the ten radiation treatments. During that week, this is an email I sent to friends around the world: “…As I write Mike is having his 8th radiation treatment on his head, and will finish up on Friday. We will see the chemo oncologist on Friday and will at that time be given the prescription for the chemo-therapy. At this point we’ve been told that it will be a four-hour IV every three weeks, for 4-6 treatments; which means that this will transpire over the next 3 months. The good side is that we don’t have to “live” in a Those days were really great for Mike. He was able to help around the farm and spend time with Dad and brothers Phil and Royce. There were moments when you could just pretend that everything was perfect. Mike felt good, hadn’t lost his hair, and still had a pretty good appetite. The oncology team decided to schedule Mike for “5” chemo treatments, and then assess his progress and take it from there. He was scheduled to begin the Monday following Labor Day. The plan was that we would drive to When we were not at Mayo, we were staying with Mike’s folks. A more hospitable family you cannot find. We were comfortable as we could be, but as the days wore on, and we were less certain of when Mike would be well enough and cleared to return to We spoke to Phil and asked him to ask around if someone knew of a house or mobile home to rent for a while. We wanted to stay close, so the girls could stay in school, and of course so we could be with our family. So, Phil set out to see what he could find. What came our way was more than we could have even asked for! Chapter 3Its truly amazing the emotions reading this again brings to the surface. Of course I'll never forget it all, but its kinda good to be reminded of the details of those difficult days...read on...(with more to come)
We arrived in There is an 8-hour time change from Central Time to While the country itself is beautiful, there was little desirable about our new neighborhood. The area looked like the typical Soviet housing projects you might see on television. Apartment buildings as far as the eye could see, all cement. No yards to speak of, and definitely no landscaping. To be honest, it was a little depressing. We moved into the vacated apartment of the Langs. They were now back in the States on a one-year furlough. It was a pleasant and roomy home, and we felt it would be more than comfortable there for the next two years. For the first couple of days, we worked at getting acclimated to the time-change and the neighborhood. Kate had the hardest time adjusting. She was sleeping in the daytime, and then awake at night. It was a bit of a challenge, but after a few days we all settled into the new routine. There was a playground of sorts, and the girls spent some time there. We bought Krissi a pair of roller blades and she spent time learning to "ride" them along the sidewalks of our neighborhood. Mike visited the Particularly helpful was the president of the Pentecostal Union Churches, Rimantas Kupstys, or “Rimas” as he was known to us. Rimas and his family welcomed us as part of them, and his daughter, Julia, helped us in the area of translation and interpretation. The winter before we left, we purchased a set of tapes, tutoring us in the Lithuanian language. Needless to say we had definitely not learned enough to go off on our own! Julia was our tour guide for the next several days. We visited some beautiful places. I loved the short tours Julia gave us. Sadly, because I was sure I’d get many more chances, I didn’t take many photos. I really feel sick about that, as I did not get to visit those places again. I’d like to make further mention of Julia. Julia is a beautiful young lady who loves the Lord. At the time of our visit to When we packed our boxes back home, most of our ministry “tools” were packed for shipment. We were not anticipating doing any children’s crusades in the early weeks after our arrival so did not bring the usual “toys” we would normally use in a children’s crusade or service. (puppets, object lessons, etc) But, in spite of not being truly prepared and supplied, about a week after we arrived, we were asked to do a children’s crusade in a tent in Because of the distance, we planned to stay close by and ended up renting hotel rooms in Palanga. Palanga is a coastal town, and a huge tourist spot. It is situated right on the We managed to dig up a few things the Langs had left behind and thankfully had packed several bags of balloons (for making sculptures), and with that we felt we could successfully present a children’s service. We planned for 3 services over three afternoons. The children came in like a flood! We played music, and like the Pied Piper, they came from everywhere. Many were unruly compared to our standards for how kids should behave in “church.” But Mike was clever enough that he held their attention pretty well. Many of the children came every day, and seemed to bring new friends each time. I believe we actually ministered to about 250 children in the course of those three days. The girls were great assistants to their Dad, and Penny the Dog was a great attraction as well. Julia served as the interpreter for the crusade, and it was such a thrill to hear her follow Mike’s lead in communicating the Gospel to the children. I can honestly say that nearly all the children responded to the invitation to accept Jesus as their Savior. Our prayer, still today, is that the church that was being birthed is doing well in discipling those children and watering the seeds that were planted in their hearts. If nothing else, there WERE many seeds planted. We pray for someone to come along and water them! Mike was in his element. Here he was: finally on the mission field, with his family, doing what he loved more than anything. He truly radiated his complete joy during those days. I should mention that we had use of a Before we left the States, we were “introduced”, via email, to the Holliday family. Rick and MaryBeth Holliday and their four daughters were living in It was an immediate friendship. Their girls were all about the same age as ours, and we all connected. It was to be more a blessing that I could have guessed. On the day we were returning to Our trip to the airport was more than stressful. Besides the horrendous traffic snarls, we weren’t entirely sure where the airport was. Julia was unable to accompany us that day, so we were on our own. Like most men, Mike thought he knew where he was going. He didn’t. We went in circles for what seemed like eternity, and since we didn’t know the language very well, we could not very easily ask for directions. We did finally make it and Paul and Jenny were joyful and excited to be with us. We took them to the apartment they would be occupying during their time in Having done that, we finished getting them moved in and headed back for our apartment. Later that evening, Mike was working on getting the television and VCR set up. The girls were playing near him, and I was making dinner in the kitchen. Suddenly, Mike called out for me. I ran to where he was sitting on the floor, and saw that he was having some sort of seizure. His jaw was clenched, and his head was “bobbing” up and down in a jerking motion. Mike tried to speak but could not. The seizure lasted only a few minutes, but it seemed like forever. The girls had rushed to him, and began praying for him like I’d never heard children pray. We were all praying!! Mike managed to get to the sofa, where he just collapsed. The seizure had subsided, and he was just trying to get his bearings. I was in a tailspin, not knowing who to call. I didn’t know how to call an ambulance. I knew I needed some kind of assurance that God did see what was happening, and I picked up a Twila Paris tape, popped it into the tape deck and out came, “God is in control.” It was just what we all needed at that moment….to know our Lord was somewhere in the midst of all this. With shaking hands I called Julia’s home, and tried to explain what had happened and asked her to call an ambulance (if that’s what they called it?). Right after that I called Rick Holliday. I told him what had happened and asked for his help. I didn’t really know what to ask for specifically, but I was scared to death and just needed ANYONE to tell me what to do. After I spoke to Rick, I called our families back in the States. Of course I didn’t know what exactly to tell them, except that Mike was sick and we would call again when we had more news. But, I asked them to PRAY. Rick and another American friend came to our flat, and were followed by the emergency team. Rick offered to take the girls to their home, which I gratefully accepted. It was a load off my mind, knowing the girls would be safe and cared for while their dad and I tried to get some answers and some help. Though Mike insisted he was fine and could walk, the EMT men prevailed and carried Mike down 7 floors in a hand-held stretcher, sort of like the ones you might see in a military zone. A far cry from what we have here in the States. I drove the van and followed the ambulance to the hospital. We were greeted by a staff that spoke NO English whatsoever. But within a few minutes, Rick Holliday had arrived and was a great help in the communication between the medical staff and us. To try to explain what I was thinking and feeling at this time is pretty much impossible. Fear. Panic. Questions. More fear. Despair. I was a nervous wreck. The doctor “on call” was a kindly gentleman. He was obviously very concerned for Mike, and was very attentive, but he spoke no English. With Rick’s help, the doctor asked many questions and we answered best we could. “Were there any other ‘symptoms’? No. “Have there been any headaches?” No. “Blurred vision?” No. There truly were no recent episodes to prepare us for this. Mike’s illness a month or so before didn’t really even come to mind immediately. We just didn’t make a connection. I stayed with Mike that night at the hospital. Believe me, I think even the poorest of hospitals in our country are the Hilton compared to the conditions in Mike and I slept on twin cots in a small room. Everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE disappeared. There was no bustling activity at the nurse’s station. There were only shadowy lights in the hall. It was deathly quiet in that place. I had no idea where the nurse might be sleeping, and certainly not where the doctor might be. There was no “call button” and so no way to notify anyone if we needed help. But help we did need! A couple of hours after we tried to sleep, Mike woke me making strange noises. I asked him, “Is it happening again?” Meaning a seizure. I managed to understand, “Yes, it’s happening again!” I literally RAN from that room, into a darkened hall. Panic was rising in me as I looked one way, then another, wondering where to go. I was so conscious of the hour, I didn’t want to scream and wake the whole hospital. I guess I should have! However, I just kept running and running up and down the hall way, “quietly” calling out, “Someone please help us! Someone please help us!” Somehow the nurse heard me and came rushing to me…..I am certain all she needed to hear was the panic in my voice and the look on my face. She quickly dialed the phone and out of no where, the doctor came running. Mike’s seizure lasted only a few minutes. But in the meantime, they wheeled him down to an exam room and proceeded to do an ultra-sound of sorts. I feel certain the equipment they had was 20 years old or more. And so, it goes without saying that they could find nothing. All we could do was go back to our room, try to sleep and wait and see what morning brought. I didn’t sleep at all. Not one wink. I prayed all night long, and begged God for help and mercy. I was very afraid. The next morning, Wednesday, August 14, we were greeted by a wonderful, English-speaking neurologist. This good doctor had studied briefly at He asked many of the same questions we’d been asked the day before. But, this time, the issue of Mike’s illness in late June surfaced. That gave the doctor some concern. He felt that there was more than pneumonia going on, but did say that certainly pneumonia could have played a role. The doctor sent us to an independent clinic where they had a state-of-the-art MRI machine. The clinic was modern and clean and resembled more closely what one would expect to find in a medical clinic in the States. That MRI cost us $100 USD! The technicians took images of Mike’s head. The doctors at first were considering a possible stroke, or TMI. A “TMI” , or “transient ischemic attack”, is defined as a “neurological event with the signs and symptoms of a stroke, but which go away within a short period of time.” With that in mind, they were looking for evidence of it in Mike’s brain, and for any sort of damage or signal of what may have caused the seizures. They did find some shadowing in the left side of his brain, but of course the technicians could not make the diagnosis. We returned to the hospital and waited to hear from the neurologist. We were settling into our room when the doctor came and asked me to step across the hall. My stomach was in my throat. I’d seen enough medical shows on TV to assume this meant bad news was forthcoming. The doctor showed me the films of Mike’s MRI. He pointed to a pea-sized dot on the left side of Mike’s brain. He said, “Mrs. Driver, this is not good. This is cancer. It is coming from somewhere else in Mr. Driver’s body, but we cannot be sure where. You must return to the States. We cannot help you here.” I don’t know how I stayed on my feet. I must have because I don’t remember being revived, but I cannot begin to tell you what I was feeling at that moment. Everything I’d felt before, only bigger. I asked the doctor to please talk to Mike about this, and he did so. Mike was a stubborn man. And he was full of faith. He believed in his God, and he believed that modern medicine can fix anything. He boldly told the doctor, “I’ll be back. You’ll see. I believe God is going to heal me.” It was clear to me the doctor didn’t have so much confidence. He wished us well, and expressed his hopes that this would be so. Mike promised him we’d meet again. We left the hospital and returned to our apartment. I still had not slept at all. I could not relax, and was simply afraid to go to sleep. I didn’t know what might happen to Mike and I wanted to be there if something did happen. I did make calls to our families back home. I told them what we were possibly facing, and they all rallied around us in prayer support and encouragement. In addition, they were getting the word out to everyone who knew us to begin praying. Rick Holliday brought our girls back to us. They were as happy as they could be, considering that they did not know what was wrong with Daddy, or what plans were being made. But it was clear they’d had a great time with the Holliday girls and we felt so blessed for them to be loved and cared for in our absence. For the next 30 hours or so, I worked feverishly to re-pack what I could so that we could return to the states. Paul Bortolozzo, with the help of friends and our missionary leadership back in the States, made all our travel arrangements. We were to fly out of Because of the nature of our departure (Mike’s illness), and the last-minute arrangements, we ended up flying home “First Class.’ In many ways we were out of our element. We are “coach” people. It was actually a bit humorous. The menu consisted of things we couldn’t even pronounce. One meal was actually a liver patee. Penny loved it! We were blessed in these accommodations, however. The seating was comfortable and roomy. We were not sure if Mike would seizure again, so having a little more room, and a bit more privacy, was worth every penny it cost us. And of course, I didn’t sleep a wink on that flight. Mike did rest, as did the girls (and Penny!), but I could not. So, on Friday evening, after gaining 8 hours, we arrived, exhausted, in Des Moines. My parents were there, as were Mike’s and his brother, Phil and wife Cherri and their son, Jesse. Also greeting us were our dear friends I had not slept but a few minutes here and there since waking up on Tuesday morning, August 13. I was physically, emotionally and mentally spent. And I was afraid. I remember being driven away, and my parents weeping for what none of us understood. I had never felt so much despair in my entire life. In a nutshell -- My StoryLadies, this is the abridged version of my story...I will consider putting in here what little I have actually written, with the details, chapter by chapter. It does my heart good to get this out, dust it off, and remind myself of God's GRACE. I pray that as you read this personal account, you will be challenged to entrust to God the things you cannot own..."every good and perfect gift comes from the father of light" ALL our gifts (husband, children, ministry) are His. It does no good to hold to these too tightly...but in any loss, we can know His higher purposes are at work, FOR OUR GOOD.
If you take nothing else from this, I pray that in your times of loss and disappointments, (I know you've had them!) you'll remember this one thing: "When you demand answers, you sacrifice peace." Think about how many people are trying to demand answers from God -- and without answers they are either trying to drown it all with liquor, drugs, or are in some kind of mental state that man cannot fathom. Our mental institutions are likely filled with people who are there 'simply' because they have had some terrible loss and cannot come to grips with it...So, today, as you consider where your treasures lie, take command of the enemy who would make an idol of those things...they are not yours.
(A Journey Toward) A Trusting Heart By Kimberly Thomas
In the early hours of a morning in September, 1995, it seemed our two small ponies had gotten loose from the tether we thought we’d secured earlier in the evening. They wandered up to the front of our house and then out into the road. An unsuspecting driver came up over the ridge, and in the darkness and patchy fog, didn’t see them, and her car struck my oldest daughter’s pony, Rose. Thankfully the driver of the car, a young mother, was not injured. And somehow, Rose survived. The days that followed were rife with worry, and hemmed in prayer. As a born-again Christian, I believe in the power of prayer and in God’s ability to heal. Animals are not an exception. They are not out of God’s reach nor His concern. The vet had suggested giving Rose one week. If there was no improvement, we’d have to put her down. I watched as my daughter, Kristine, then 7 years old, prayed for her pony, and daily went out to feed her, water her, and love her. She put a prayer request into the Prayer Box at our church -- I still have that note! When the week had passed with no change, my husband had no choice but to put Rose out of her misery. We buried her in a field behind our house, and Kristine marked Rose’s grave with a cross. The hardest part of it all was trying to explain to my daughter why God did not answer her prayers. It was especially difficult because I didn’t understand it myself and I was angry with God. I truly grieved over that horse. But more than that, I struggled in my heart with God’s resounding, “No.” All I could tell Kristine was, “Sometimes God says ‘no.’ ” Soon after that, a close friend spoke what was to prove prophetic, “Kim, I believe God could be using this to prepare you for something else.” That something else was not far off. In July of 1996, my husband, Mike, and I and our two daughters, Kristine and Kate (then 8 and 5) and our dog, Penny, left the States for a 2-year missions assignment in [This part of the story is a story in itself. God worked miracles in the short 6 months of our preparation. I plan to elaborate on this as I write my complete story]. Three weeks into our term, Mike experienced a seizure. Within 24 hours, a CT scan revealed a brain tumor. The neurologist confirmed this was cancer, that it was coming from somewhere else in Mike’s body, and that we needed to return to the States immediately. [The details of this time will be expanded upon in the book.] We left We went to Mayo Clinic in Mike underwent ten radiation treatments for the brain tumors, followed by three chemotherapy treatments over the next several weeks. [During this time we lived in In spite of all the medical team at Mayo tried to do, and in spite of all the prayers, Mike left us suddenly on [The girls and I stayed on in Linn Grove for the remainder of the school year. Our time there and our springtime move to If someone had told me I’d face a challenge like this, I’d have said, “Prepare for two funerals. I will never survive that.” However, in God’s mercy He gently reminded me of the two beautiful daughters I had to raise. I also remembered the journey I had taken when we lost our pony. He gently spoke that I was His child and that my life was in His hands. (I used to sing a song about that!) In my search for answers to the “whys”, God simply told me, “When you demand answers, you sacrifice peace.” That was a truth I hid deep within my heart. I knew I would rather have the peace that is beyond understanding, than to be plagued with questions He was not obligated to answer. There was no contest. I discovered in myself a strength I never knew. I found I am capable and bright. I determined I was going to make a good life for the girls and myself. In the years that followed, I bought a house, managed our life on my own, and then met a wonderful man, Mark, who is now my husband. As if Mike's illness and death were not trial enough, in April of 1999 I suffered a stroke as a result of a routine chiropractic adjustment. And on In spite of all these things, I have learned that God is good. All the time. When He says “no”, it means He has something else in mind for us. I believe as Christians our lives serve an eternal purpose. We are called to glorify our Lord, trusting Him with all we are and all we have. After all, “all things work together for the GOOD of those He calls according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28). When we allow God to work HIS good in our lives, knowing that no matter what comes our way it has passed through His loving hands, and that He wants better for us than we want for ourselves, we CAN live happily ever after. I know. I’m doing it.
Copyright 2006 Kimberly R. Thomas |
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