We have two married daughters, Lydia and Grace. Both girls have gone through what we call “courtship”. I know some don’t like the term courtship but we use it to distinguish it from dating.

Dating is the way my husband and I were brought up. Somewhere in our parenting journey Mark and I read about courtship. We read, talked, and prayed about it. We decided we did not want our girls to go through dating the way we had. We wanted to raise our girls with a different standard.

We started when the girls were young talking to them about the idea of courtship, in kid’s terms, of course. When relatives or friends asked the girls, “Who’s your boyfriend?” we encouraged them to answer, “We don’t have boyfriends.”  When we watched a movie where unmarried people kissed, we would say, “They will have to get married now”. I know it is corny but it made an impression.

As they got older, we talked about what they would look for in a husband and how they should just think of boys as friends until they were old enough to marry. We talked about how when they were older if a boy was interested in them the boy needed to talk to us, the parents. We didn’t hide the girls away and never let them interact with boys but we were careful about the kids we spent a great deal of time with.

We invested in books about courtship: I Kissed Dating Goodbye  and Boy Meets Girl by Josh Harris, When God Writes Your Love Story  and When Dreams Come True   by Eric and Leslie Ludy. We watched a video about it, “Pamela’s Prayer” and a TV special. If I read a good courtship story, I shared it with the girls. We discussed how neat it was that God brought the couple together, how special it was that they waited for the person God had for them, and how exciting it would be to wait until your wedding day for your first kiss.

 Lydia's Courtship

My oldest daughter, Lydia, met her husband, Quinton, in 1999 when we visited his church in Tennessee. Lydia and Quinton would have been around 14 at the time. We attended there for several months and Lydia did notice Quinton. She said he reminded her of her favorite cousin, Seth. Not much more was said about it and we lost contact with Quinton and his family for several years.

Then in February 2005 Quinton’s family came to the church we were attending to sing. Afterwards, we enjoyed catching up with his family over a covered dish lunch. The kids especially had fun. (Quinton is the second of 12 kids) Lydia hit it off with one of Quinton’s sisters, Marybeth. They made plans to go shopping together.

Late in February Lydia and Miriam went shopping in Nashville with Marybeth and Charity (Quinton’s older brother’s wife) afterwards they met Quinton and several of his siblings for supper. My girls had a good time and they made plans to do something together again.

For the next few months our families did things together like hiking, playing volleyball, playing games, singing, and having meals together. At this point, we didn’t know Quinton was interested in Lydia. We really liked Quinton and his family. We saw what Quinton was like while playing sports and how he interacted with his family.

In April, Quinton called Mark and asked for permission to get to know Lydia better. Mark told him he would like to meet with him first and talk. We also talked to Lydia to see if she would be interested. She was. So Mark and Quinton met and talked for 3 hours. Mark had Quinton tell about how he came to know the Lord. They talked about other convictions he had and we had. Then Mark prayed with Quinton and gave him permission to court Lydia.

So now Quinton could call and talk to Lydia and they would spend time together but always chaperoned by someone in our family or Quinton’s. They still did things together in groups or at our home or the Carpenter’s. In December Quinton proposed and they were married in March 2006.  They had made a commitment to have their first kiss at their wedding and they did. It was so special.

 Grace's Courtship

Now I will tell you Grace’s story. Remember Grace’s fiancé, Jordan, is from South Dakota and we  are in Kentucky so this courtship looks different.

We met the Cutler family briefly in November 2003 at our friend, Annalisa’s, wedding. Annalisa was marrying Jordan’s brother, Joshua. Neither family remembers much about this meeting. We heard lots of good things about Jordan’s family from Annalisa. (Jordan is the 5^th of 11 kids)

In May 2005 Jordan was in Kentucky again to photograph Annalisa’s sister’s wedding. We invited Annalisa and her husband to visit us for Grace’s graduation party and Jordan came too. We didn’t get to talk to Jordan too much that day because there were lots of people there but he remembers our family from that day, especially Grace. One thing that did stand out from that visit is that Jordan sat and talked to Grace’s grandmother, Nana. Nana told us what a nice young man he was and how he asked her how her walk with the Lord was. She was impressed and so was Mark.

We didn’t see Jordan again until 2006 when Jordan came to photograph Lydia’s wedding. We saw him at the rehearsal and the wedding but that was a hectic time. We had Jordan, his brother, Joshua, and Annalisa over on Monday night for dinner. We enjoyed getting to know them. This visit was when Jordan really noticed Grace. Grace thought Jordan was nice but didn’t think much more about him.

The Cutler family planned a trip south in August 2006 and asked if they could visit us. They spent a few days with us and we loved their family. Jordan’s parents kind of hinted that Jordan might be interested in one of our girls but we didn’t know which one.

In February 2007 Jordan was in Indiana in school. He had a break and we invited him to visit us since he couldn’t go home. This was when we really got to know him better and when he knew Grace was the one for him. Just like with Lydia and Quinton, we played games, played volleyball, hiked, and did family things together. We still didn’t know which daughter Jordan was interested in.

In May we got a letter from Jordan’s parents saying Jordan had prayed about it and talked to them and wanted to let us know that he was interested in Grace and wanted to get to know her better. We prayed about it and talked to Grace about it. Grace prayed about it for a week and said she would be open to getting to know him. At this point Grace wasn’t too sure about Jordan but she was open to getting to know him better.

Mark decided we would plan a trip to South Dakota in the summer, Labor Day weekend. We were staying 3 weeks! Grace was tentative and shy when we got there. Jordan was a nervous wreck. We were having fun with his family but I am sure Grace and Jordan felt awkward. Jordan and Mark had a long talk one of the days we were there.

Our families spent time riding horses, playing at the lake, working together putting up fences, putting up corn, making applesauce, more volleyball and games.

 I could see Grace and Jordan struggling and suggested that Jordan tell Grace how he felt about her. After Jordan expressed his feelings to Grace, things changed. Grace would say the Lord worked on her heart. They spent hours talking about everything and found they agreed on so many things. The more time Grace spent with Jordan the more she liked him.

At the end of their trip to South Dakota, Jordan and Grace sat down with both sets of parents and talked for a while. At the end of the talk it was official that Jordan and Grace were courting.  They had a couple more visits back and forth. In December they were engaged and they got married in June. If you go back further in my blog you can see their wedding story.

 Other things to consider

These are my girls’ stories but I have read many others.  From these stories you can see how courting looks different from dating.  In case you missed it…. there is parental involvement, they don’t spend time alone, they spend a majority of their time in groups working and playing, they don’t start a relationship until they old enough and ready for marriage, and they get insight and advice from others. There is no step by step formula. Each courtship will look different but there are guiding principles.

While your kids are young seek to instill in them a heart of dependence on God. Seek to develop a trusting, solid relationship with them. You need to have their hearts.  Develop in them a commitment to the truth of the Word of God. If these aren’t a reality it will be a struggle.

Your husband has to be in agreement with you about this and he must take the lead in it.  Pray for your children and with your children about their future mates. Pray for wisdom. Help them to evaluate young men’s character qualities.

One more thing for those of you with girls: Don’t allow your girls to dress to attract guys and call attention to themselves. Encourage them to concentrate on seeking God instead of seeking a boyfriend. Encourage them to spend time preparing for marriage by developing spiritually, in character, emotionally, and financially. Teach them practical things they will need to know.

Comparison of Dating and Courtship

I saw this chart somewhere else but I can’t remember where. If someone else know tell me so I can give them the credit.

Dating                                                    Courtship

Peer-oriented                                                   family-oriented

For pleasure                                                    for marriage

Alone                                                              with chaperone

Self directed                                                    parent directed

Any age                                                           age when prepared for marriage

Hide faults                                                      discuss faults

Come and go                                                   toward a committed relationship

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Posted by Anonymous

Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful stories. I have talked to my husband and he is not 100 percent convinced, I do not think I was explaining it right though, I even got one of the books you mentioned, and still was able to explain it adequately, Mikes oldest daughter has started dating and I am heart broken . I do not like the person she is turning into at her Mothers house. She is putting this boy before others, I will not let this happen to our Hailey Mae......Char

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Posted by Anonymous

Thanks for sharing. You and Mark have done such a great job with the girls and Grace's wedding was beautiful this past summer (we weren't here yet for Lydia's). I had never been to anything like that. We did have a Sunday School teacher once though who had three married girls, taught in public school in Atlanta, who had their first kiss at the alter, but they were already married when we knew them.

I've seen courtship handled in a more legalistic way and I think the way you have handled it makes much more sense. Although (my) Mike isn't quite as supportive of it either, I would love to hear the guys version too...since I have three of them : )

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Posted by SweetSavages

That was GREAT Pam!!!

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Posted by Eunice

I'm so glad you're blogging again! I've been waiting...... :O)

This is a GREAT post Pam! So clear. And, although I knew the stories, still got teary eyed when I read!

That would be another one on the list:

Dating:
story doesn't make Eunice sappy

Courtship:
Gives Eunice chills and tears


hee hee

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Posted by OldPathsMom

Those are some awesome stories!!! We totally agree. I'm not sure where you live in KY but it sure would have been nice to know someone like-minded while we lived there! I've enjoyed your blog - I'm going to add you to my friends list :)

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