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Nov. 4, 2008

Courtship in Our Family

We have two married daughters, Lydia and Grace. Both girls have gone through what we call “courtship”. I know some don’t like the term courtship but we use it to distinguish it from dating.

Dating is the way my husband and I were brought up. Somewhere in our parenting journey Mark and I read about courtship. We read, talked, and prayed about it. We decided we did not want our girls to go through dating the way we had. We wanted to raise our girls with a different standard.

We started when the girls were young talking to them about the idea of courtship, in kid’s terms, of course. When relatives or friends asked the girls, “Who’s your boyfriend?” we encouraged them to answer, “We don’t have boyfriends.” When we watched a movie where unmarried people kissed, we would say, “They will have to get married now”. I know it is corny but it made an impression.

As they got older, we talked about what they would look for in a husband and how they should just think of boys as friends until they were old enough to marry. We talked about how when they were older if a boy was interested in them the boy needed to talk to us, the parents. We didn’t hide the girls away and never let them interact with boys but we were careful about the kids we spent a great deal of time with.

We invested in books about courtship: I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Josh Harris, When God Writes Your Love Story and When Dreams Come True by Eric and Leslie Ludy. We watched a video about it, “Pamela’s Prayer” and a TV special. If I read a good courtship story, I shared it with the girls. We discussed how neat it was that God brought the couple together, how special it was that they waited for the person God had for them, and how exciting it would be to wait until your wedding day for your first kiss.

Lydia's Courtship

My oldest daughter, Lydia, met her husband, Quinton, in 1999 when we visited his church in Tennessee. Lydia and Quinton would have been around 14 at the time. We attended there for several months and Lydia did notice Quinton. She said he reminded her of her favorite cousin, Seth. Not much more was said about it and we lost contact with Quinton and his family for several years.

Then in February 2005 Quinton’s family came to the church we were attending to sing. Afterwards, we enjoyed catching up with his family over a covered dish lunch. The kids especially had fun. (Quinton is the second of 12 kids) Lydia hit it off with one of Quinton’s sisters, Marybeth. They made plans to go shopping together.

Late in February Lydia and Miriam went shopping in Nashville with Marybeth and Charity (Quinton’s older brother’s wife) afterwards they met Quinton and several of his siblings for supper. My girls had a good time and they made plans to do something together again.

For the next few months our families did things together like hiking, playing volleyball, playing games, singing, and having meals together. At this point, we didn’t know Quinton was interested in Lydia. We really liked Quinton and his family. We saw what Quinton was like while playing sports and how he interacted with his family.

In April, Quinton called Mark and asked for permission to get to know Lydia better. Mark told him he would like to meet with him first and talk. We also talked to Lydia to see if she would be interested. She was. So Mark and Quinton met and talked for 3 hours. Mark had Quinton tell about how he came to know the Lord. They talked about other convictions he had and we had. Then Mark prayed with Quinton and gave him permission to court Lydia.

So now Quinton could call and talk to Lydia and they would spend time together but always chaperoned by someone in our family or Quinton’s. They still did things together in groups or at our home or the Carpenter’s. In December Quinton proposed and they were married in March 2006. They had made a commitment to have their first kiss at their wedding and they did. It was so special.

Grace's Courtship

Now I will tell you Grace’s story. Remember Grace’s fiancé, Jordan, is from South Dakota and we are in Kentucky so this courtship looks different.

We met the Cutler family briefly in November 2003 at our friend, Annalisa’s, wedding. Annalisa was marrying Jordan’s brother, Joshua. Neither family remembers much about this meeting. We heard lots of good things about Jordan’s family from Annalisa. (Jordan is the 5^th of 11 kids)

In May 2005 Jordan was in Kentucky again to photograph Annalisa’s sister’s wedding. We invited Annalisa and her husband to visit us for Grace’s graduation party and Jordan came too. We didn’t get to talk to Jordan too much that day because there were lots of people there but he remembers our family from that day, especially Grace. One thing that did stand out from that visit is that Jordan sat and talked to Grace’s grandmother, Nana. Nana told us what a nice young man he was and how he asked her how her walk with the Lord was. She was impressed and so was Mark.

We didn’t see Jordan again until 2006 when Jordan came to photograph Lydia’s wedding. We saw him at the rehearsal and the wedding but that was a hectic time. We had Jordan, his brother, Joshua, and Annalisa over on Monday night for dinner. We enjoyed getting to know them. This visit was when Jordan really noticed Grace. Grace thought Jordan was nice but didn’t think much more about him.

The Cutler family planned a trip south in August 2006 and asked if they could visit us. They spent a few days with us and we loved their family. Jordan’s parents kind of hinted that Jordan might be interested in one of our girls but we didn’t know which one.

In February 2007 Jordan was in Indiana in school. He had a break and we invited him to visit us since he couldn’t go home. This was when we really got to know him better and when he knew Grace was the one for him. Just like with Lydia and Quinton, we played games, played volleyball, hiked, and did family things together. We still didn’t know which daughter Jordan was interested in.

In May we got a letter from Jordan’s parents saying Jordan had prayed about it and talked to them and wanted to let us know that he was interested in Grace and wanted to get to know her better. We prayed about it and talked to Grace about it. Grace prayed about it for a week and said she would be open to getting to know him. At this point Grace wasn’t too sure about Jordan but she was open to getting to know him better.

Mark decided we would plan a trip to South Dakota in the summer, Labor Day weekend. We were staying 3 weeks! Grace was tentative and shy when we got there. Jordan was a nervous wreck. We were having fun with his family but I am sure Grace and Jordan felt awkward. Jordan and Mark had a long talk one of the days we were there.

Our families spent time riding horses, playing at the lake, working together putting up fences, putting up corn, making applesauce, more volleyball and games.

I could see Grace and Jordan struggling and suggested that Jordan tell Grace how he felt about her. After Jordan expressed his feelings to Grace, things changed. Grace would say the Lord worked on her heart. They spent hours talking about everything and found they agreed on so many things. The more time Grace spent with Jordan the more she liked him.

At the end of their trip to South Dakota, Jordan and Grace sat down with both sets of parents and talked for a while. At the end of the talk it was official that Jordan and Grace were courting. They had a couple more visits back and forth. In December they were engaged and they got married in June. If you go back further in my blog you can see their wedding story.

Other things to consider

These are my girls’ stories but I have read many others. From these stories you can see how courting looks different from dating. In case you missed it…. there is parental involvement, they don’t spend time alone, they spend a majority of their time in groups working and playing, they don’t start a relationship until they old enough and ready for marriage, and they get insight and advice from others. There is no step by step formula. Each courtship will look different but there are guiding principles.

While your kids are young seek to instill in them a heart of dependence on God. Seek to develop a trusting, solid relationship with them. You need to have their hearts. Develop in them a commitment to the truth of the Word of God. If these aren’t a reality it will be a struggle.

Your husband has to be in agreement with you about this and he must take the lead in it. Pray for your children and with your children about their future mates. Pray for wisdom. Help them to evaluate young men’s character qualities.

One more thing for those of you with girls: Don’t allow your girls to dress to attract guys and call attention to themselves. Encourage them to concentrate on seeking God instead of seeking a boyfriend. Encourage them to spend time preparing for marriage by developing spiritually, in character, emotionally, and financially. Teach them practical things they will need to know.

Comparison of Dating and Courtship

I saw this chart somewhere else but I can’t remember where. If someone else know tell me so I can give them the credit.

Dating Courtship

Peer-oriented family-oriented

For pleasure for marriage

Alone with chaperone

Self directed parent directed

Any age age when prepared for marriage

Hide faults discuss faults

Come and go toward a committed relationship

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Jul. 29, 2008

Wedding Tips

Posted in Courtship and weddings

Here are a few wedding tips from me and some of my friends/relatives. I hope they help someone who is planning a wedding to have a more stress free day. The most important thing to remember is that the wedding (and the marriage) should glorify the Lord. All the decorations and fancy dresses and food are nice, but if the wedding is stressful and costs tons it won't be remembered fondly.

So in no special order, here are the helpful hints. If you have some of your own, add them in the comments.

1-Freeze a few meals for the week after the wedding. You will need to relax.
2-On the wedding day, if you are getting dressed in your formal clothes at the church, wear button up shirts so your hair and make up won't get messed up.
3-See what is already at the place where you are having the reception and ask what you can use.

4-Label everything you take to the church and make a list of it. If others help you clean up it can be confusing.
5-Take lots of tinfoil, plastic wrap, and freezer bags for left overs. You may need to take your own trash bags too.
6-Take lots of safety pins, sewing needle and thread,bobby pins, hair spray, an extra slip or two and an iron . We have needed these at each wedding.
7- Make sure the main folks have each others cell phone numbers.Then make sure someone reminds everyone in the wedding party to turn off their phones for the ceremony.

8-Assign someone to make up a cooler of leftovers for the bride and groom. They tend to not eat much at the reception.

9-On the night of the rehearsal assign someone to make sure the rings get to the church. I have been to a couple of weddings where they were left at home.

10-If you have more than one child, make good lists of what you did for the wedding you will need to know again -things like how much punch and cake you needed.

11- A calendar with lists of what needs to be done on a certain day was helpful especially the week of the wedding. It makes it easier to delegate if folks ask what they can do to help.

(Pam)

1. Give a few reliable people short lists of jobs/responsibilities for them to do before, during, and/or after the ceremony. These can include lists of items to bring from home, items to pack up afterwards, things to put in place at the church, etc.

2. Think ahead to how much refrigerator room you'll need for food and flowers, and then plan accordingly.

3. Have a list of photo shots you'll want to make it easier for the photographer and for you.

4. Tell people ahead of time when they'll be needed for photo shots so you don't have to track them down.

5. Load up items in vehicles ahead of time as much as possible, rather than waiting until it's time to go to the church.

(Meg)

I think it's a very good idea for the bride and groom to put anything they are taking with them in a clearly defined place. At our wedding, Adrian ( the groom) and I just left our pre-wedding clothes in our respective dressing rooms strewn wherever, along with miscellaneous (purse, brush, etc.), and Hannah(maid of honor) and Lane(best man) had to scramble to figure out what was what afterwards, to get it loaded in the car for us. Hannah accidentally loaded Lane's dress shoes in our car, and by the time we figured that out it was too late and we were well on the road, and poor Lane had to find time and money to purchase another pair of dress shoes for church the next day :-P. A little more aforethought beforehand would have saved a lot of trouble. (Susan)

1. If you have limited refrigerator space you could make some "platform trays" to stack some of your "ready to serve" trays that you put together for the reception. These platforms will give you space under them for food plus if you make them right you can stack two of these platforms on top of each other and really make use of the refrigerator space. Researching your space for reception food is a MUST!!! Remember if you're making your own flower bouquets and boutonnieres etc you'll need frig space for them too!!!

2. I lived by lists and it was nice to have things to cross off. You can get these list from different wedding books and come up with one that is right for your family. I had list from 6 months up to the day of the wedding ~~~ I am a "list person" so it worked well for us. It helped my daughter stay on track too and gave she and her fiance plenty of time to decide what and how they wanted things done.

3. Cold food is definitely easier to do and easier to clean up after than hot food :-) But if you do the hot food you can keep things warm in large crock pots ~ just make sure the electricity in your kitchen will handle all of the extra cords etc.

4. As the mother-of-the-bride, take some time to think of special gifts that you want to give to your daughter at showers etc. This is a special time to share special messages and lifelong encouragements to your daughter.

5. For wedding decorations if you have a Michael's and/or JoAnn Fabrics around be sure to keep an eye out for their coupons. Michael's and JoAnn's in our area honored each other's coupons and it sure helped in buying things.

6. You may want to make up plates for the bridal party at the reception so that they won't have to wait in a line to be served. We had a menu made up ahead of time and had them choose what they would like and did their plates.

7. Realize that "things" can happen that are unplanned and be ready to smile and go with the flow :-)))

8. Enjoy the day and the months that went into this special day. Pray............pray.............pray :-)

(Terry)

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Jun. 26, 2008

Grace's Wedding

Posted in Courtship and weddings

About Grace and Jordan's wedding ... where should I start? I realized I never put their courtship story on my blog but I won't go back to their courtship just now. It was a special one where the Lord brought them together. Some people get the wrong idea about this and think it was an arranged marriage. Only folks who don't know Grace would EVER think that. For the record it wasn't arranged but she didn't date before she married. I know that sounds strange to some ,but I thought about who all came to the wedding and there were at least 10 other young married couples at the wedding who didn't date. Those 10 couples got together, with their parents permission and supervision, and they all waited until their wedding day for their first kiss. Amazing by today's standards, don't you think?

The wedding turned out beautifully, without a problem. I was nervous about Mark doing the wedding since it was the first one he had done. He did a great job. Unless you had known it, you would have thought he was an ol' pro at it. It was short and sweet the way Grace wanted it.I think it was special for Grace to have her dad do the wedding. My dad, who did my wedding, also had a small part and Jordan's dad had a prayer during the ceremony.

The attendants were all family. My girls Lydia Carpenter (we accidentally put Lydia True in the programs, oops), Miriam, Elizabeth, and Anna were the bridesmaids. Jordan's three brothers Joshua, Jeremy, and Lucas were groomsmen, along with his brother in law, James. Joshua's son, William, was the ring bearer. The only non-family members in the wedding were the flower girls Jubilee and Hosanna Konsavage and the bouquet maids Anna Hingle and Hannah Garrison.

Joshua's wife, Annalisa, sang a solo while Joshua played the piano for her. Jordan's sister ,Mallory, played the prelude music.

To prepare for the wedding, Miriam and Grandma Caroline (Jordon's mom's mom) made the beautiful wedding cake. Lydia made most of the bridesmaid's dresses and I helped. Grace's cousins made the corsages, boutonnieres, the bridesmaid's bouquet and Grace's bouquet.Sisters and new sisters in law helped with makeup and hair.

Lots and lots of family and friends pitched in on making and serving the food and decorating the church and for the reception. Everyone who was still there after it was over pitched in to clean up. It was amazing how smoothly everything went. It is so special when a community of family and friends come together like this. I thank the Lord for unselfish, caring, servant-hearted family and friends who love the Lord and walk in His ways.

It was a very happy day for Grace and Jordan. We will miss her tremendously…

Here are a few pics.

notice the white flip flops they all wore.

my girls all dressed up!

Grace and Elizabeth

the wedding party

Anna, Hannah,Elizabeth, Miriam, Lydia, Grace , Jordan, Joshua, Jeremy, James, Lucas

in front Jubilee, Hosanna, William

the happy couple breathing a sigh of relief that the ceremony is over

the getaway

and they lived happily ever after....

view more pics at

http://picasaweb.google.com/crkimmig/JordanAndGraceSWedding?authkey=ENH6RQW7yP0

Here is a song my sister in law, Terry, and I wrote and sang for the wedding

Grace and Jordan

(to the tune of Found a Peanut or O My Darling Clementine)

Grace and Jordan

Got married

This very afternoon

They met

Just 3 years ago

And boy

Did Jordan swoon

Nana liked him

He impressed Mark

But Grace

Was in the dark

The only

Real big negative

Was they lived so far apart

Jordan waited

And he prayed

A-bout his future wife

Was Grace

God’s chosen one

That he would commit his life

He talked to Loren

And to Connie

A-bout what he should do

So they

composed a letter

To send

to Mark True

Mark and Pam

read the letter

And discussed

it all with Grace

They-took-a-trip

to South Dakota

For them to spend

time face to face

Grace wasn’t sure

When she got there

Jordan was nervous

at the start

But it didn’t

take him very long

To win dear Grace’s heart

THE courtship

Was long distance

But they kept

The phone lines hot

In December

Jordan visited

And the question he did pop

(slowly)

Now it’s history

And we’re all here

To celebrate their day

And we wish them

All God’s blessings

As they move

So far away!

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Jun. 23, 2008

Our wedding week

Posted in Courtship and weddings

This is what has been happening at our house this past week. What a week it was!

On Friday, the week before the wedding Grace, the bride, got some kind of stomach thing. She had diarrhea and was throwing up. She was getting better from that on Saturday then she got the sore throat and fever that her sisters had all passed around. When Jordan, the groom, got to our house on Sunday, Grace wasn't feeling very good. We were very thankful this wasn't the Friday and Saturday of the wedding! Grace improved slowly during the week but wasn't very energetic. She was lots better on the day of her wedding. (Thank the Lord)

On Saturday evening Mark's brother, Danny, and his wife, Terry, and their son, Ethan arrived from Florida. Terry was my right hand helper for the week. I literally couldn't have done the wedding without her help! She kept me organized and on track. She ran interference for me on things that needed attention but not necessarily my attention. She organized the food and help prepare it all week not just for the wedding.

We had several things going on besides the wedding . On Monday part of Jordan's family (5 of their 11 kids and the parents) came to stay at our house. On Wednesday we went out on a pontoon boat all day at Lake Cumberland. It was a fun relaxing day. On Thursday we had a big pre-wedding party at the park with local friends and out of town relatives. I think there was around 120 people there. It was a pot luck so we just organized it and brought a few dishes to share. It was another fun night.

Then Friday was decorate the church and organize the food day. We had lots of help so it went quickly. Friday night was the rehearsal dinner at Dale Hollow State Resort Park Lodge. Followed by the rehearsal.

Saturday was the big day! Again we had lots of helpers. It is so fun to boss around so many people, especially if they are willing to be bossed. The wedding was beautiful and went off without a problem. We had the church cleaned and we were home by about 5. Then we had all our old and new relatives over for a pizza party - around 50 folks.

So that was my exhausting but fun week. I will post later about the wedding with pictures.

The happy couple forgot their marriage license so they called to make sure we got it and mailed it. They are now somewhere in Missouri headed toward South Dakota.

Pray for us all this week. It is an emotional time. I find myself crying at the weirdest things like taking the sheets of Grace's bed or seeing her empty dresser. I was putting some of the wedding leftovers in freezer bags and realized I only needed enough food for 5 people now and started crying about that. Today in the shower I was crying about something and praying for the Lord to give me grace in this . That was the wrong thing to pray because it just made me think of our Grace. Why did we name her that?!? I can't imagine having a child die; it is hard enough having one move across the country. I know each day will get easier and that the Lord will help me through this. He is my comfort and strength.

I may have all the girls left at home sign a contract that they won't get married for at least 4 more years and especially not to someone far away. We won't let them visit Grace in South Dakota just in case they might meet some of Jordan's friends.

Feelings after a wedding, especially one where your child is moving far away, are kinda like after you go through labor and delivery... this is too hard . I don't ever want to do this again. But I know we will when the Lord sends along another godly young man like He has done for Lydia and Grace.

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May. 29, 2008

Frustrations

Posted in Courtship and weddings

I should be sewing right now. I was suppose to sew yesterday and the day before that. Yes, I am procrastinating. Even though I love making crafts, sewing is not my thing. The machine always makes me mad. Either the bobbin messes up or the thread breaks or the tension is off and lately I can't see to thread the needle.

As soon as I write this I have to get to it.

The things I need to sew are for the wedding. We have to make shawls to go with the bridesmaid's dresses so they will be more modest.

I have advice for anyone planning a wedding. Just buy the strapless or spaghetti strap dress and then get a jacket or shawl to wear with it. There are hardly any wedding dresses in the shops that are modest. We bought the most modest dress for Grace we could get in the store and it still isn't good enough. She did try it on but they didn't have her size so we guessed that her size would look OK . It doesn't . So we had to buy a bolero jacket to go with it. I pray it will get here in time for the wedding. We could have just got a nice spaghetti strap dress that was not too low and put a jacket with it. Why didn't I learn this from the last wedding.

There are modest wedding dresses out there , I know. The ones we saw were on line. I would have hard time buying a wedding dress on line without trying it on. They were much more expensive too.

So, now that I have let out my wedding attire frustrations I will sew. Maybe I can get finished today... no I still have to hem a few skirts before I am done, oh and alter my dress a little. Maybe I will tell my next daughter to elope.

No, there are too many other fun things with a wedding. It will be worth all the work when we sit and look at the pictures and remember...

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