Mar. 6, 2008 - Burnout
I have spent the last 6 days in a motel, 2 hours away from home. For 5 days, I was in a fog. Unable to think, process, read, understand. I stayed in the motel room most of the time and didn't really do a whole lot. I had all these things I was going to do here. Go to the hot tub everyday - haven't gone once. Tan in the tanning bed - only been once. Exercise - none. Read my Bible and some Christian books to help me with my walk most of the day - VERY little - got stuck on one concept and gave up. Was going to rest, sleep and relax as much as I needed to - DID that. 5 days after being here, the fog lifted. All of a sudden, I was able to grasp the concept. I started jotting things down to remember in the morning. I wrote lists of lists that I needed to make. I need to make plans on how to keep my kids from wearing me down this much again. They are unbonded kids. Jonathan is making progress, Becca is fighting is really hard. Another reason I wanted to get myself out of this hole I was in? At the end of this month, we will fly to Florida and our family (the 4 of us - not the older kids) will attend a Nancy Thomas RAD camp. I really wanted to be ready and able to work with my kids when we get there. This camp should give us a good jump start with our kids on the attachment. They work with the whole family teaching the parents how to parent these difficult kids and teaching these difficult kids that they are not in charge of the world. I am really looking forward to this. But, I was at a point of being unable to love on my kids and I needed to get past this point. I was just totally burned out and needed time to rest. I will go home on Saturday. I am going to let my kids know I love them. And I am going to let them know that I will not let them rule the roost. I am ready to stand up to them in a loving way, instead of with exhausted eyes. They love the look of defeat in me. They feel so powerful. They need to know that they have a powerful MOM. One thing I am seeing as I go through this whole process with my kids, is how much I have to learn about God through my children. My God is strong enough and loving enough to not back down when I need some discipline. He is also smart enough to catch me at my manipulation and loving enough to call me on it. But His eyes toward me aren't tired, angry eyes. They are loving eyes. My kids need me to be strong and loving for them. When they tell me they hate me, they need me to have loving eyes as I give them a hug. When they rage and spit at me, I need to be able to smile at them even when I cry tears of sadness for all the pain in their hearts. I long to have my kids home all day where we can really work on getting this bonding process taken care of. I pray that someday we can do this again in at least some form. I sense that they need more time with me. BUT, I also know that NOW is not the time. God has a lot to teach my family right now and I pray that we will all be open to learning what He has for us.
