Posted in Confessions of an Imperfect Momma

I had a complete thyroidectomy last Friday. Prior to surgery, my endocrinologist told me I had papillary cancer, the most curable form of the disease. My CTscan showed the cancer to be isolated in my thyroid, no spread inside my neck or to the lymph nodes. After surgery, my surgeon said this still appeared to be the case. The entire thyroid and both tumors were removed. Next step is a full-body scan to find any radical thyroid tissue which has the potential to become cancerous. If it exists, I will receive radiation to kill it. Survival rate is excellent.

Yesterday, I received a phone call from my endocrinologist's office. "The pathology report is back and he needs to see you right away." I've never had cancer before, but I've always heard that this type of phone call means bad news. I was sure pathology had shown that I had a worse form of cancer. Suddenly every ache and pain in my body became cancer in my mind. Last night was a long night (to be numbered among many long nights in the last few weeks).

When you're facing cancer, and maybe even death, straight in the face you're whole view of the world changes. Drastically. Many of the things that I used to think were important suddenly no longer are. My only priorities have been talking to the Lord, spending time with my family, and trying to sleep when I can't handle my reality any more. The worst part about sleeping is waking up and realizing that cancer is still my reality.

Another thing that happens is that you begin to evaluate what you've done with your life. Of course, there are a lot of things that I would still like to do. I'm only 35. I have a super husband and 6 gorgeous children, the youngest is only 9-months-old. Things I still want to do are reluctantly surrendered. But things I have already done become scrutinized. Have I pleased the Lord with my life? Really? Have I been a good wife? Really? Have I been a good mom? Really? How have I treated other people in my life who have faced cancer or other diseases? It's hard to realize some very big mistakes and wonder if I'll even have time to make them right.

Without getting into a lot of personal details, my life evaluation has led me to repent of some things before my God, my husband, and my children. It has also made me realize that I have been so scared of cancer that I have avoided other people in my life who have had it. I'm ashamed. And yet I'm forgiven.

Today I saw the endocrinologist. He said pathology showed that I indeed had papillary cancer, there was no spread of the cells inside my neck, and we have scheduled a full-body scan in a few weeks. For now, that's all really good news! Praise God!

I feel like I've been given a new lease on life. Lord willing, I just may have some time left to make up for my mistakes. My life looks very different today than it did just a month ago. My husband and I have made some decisions that have essentially turned our world upside down -- or is it right-side up now? Our "plans" have changed, my priorities have changed, my faith has changed. I'm eating humble pie, and it has never tasted so good!

~ Layla