Posted in Married to the Best Man Alive

I need to start this entry on a tangeant  and give my Daddy credit for the phrasing I'm using. My Dad has a way with words like no one else I know. Often, he provides comic relief in otherwise stressful situations just by his use of the English language.

So a few weeks ago after I got my cancer diagnosis, I was talking to him on the phone. I was about 24-hours into the process and I told my dad, "I'm scared because I don't feel God." He said, "Sweety, you're  in shock. It's like you've got airbags on." It was so true. At that point, the only thing I had cried about was having to wean my daughter. Once I realized this, the floodgates opened up and I bawled on the phone to him. It felt so good to just *feel.*

Now to my topic. As a military wife, I've had to learn to "disconnect" from my husband to a certain degree because of the traveling he is required to do. When he leaves, we have to carry on. Homeschooling, doctor's appointments, oil changes, illnesses, play dates, everything about our daily lives must go on. In order to function, I cannot *feel* what my heart longs to feel. I have to have a tough skin. I have to be extra-strong. I have to be somewhat independent. And I thought I was doing okay.

Enter a scary medical crisis and a deeper need for my spouse than I've ever experienced. My knight in shining armour came home to care for me and my children. I was so humbled, grateful, and deeper in love than ever before. It was so good to have him home.

And then he had to leave again. I spent 2 days sobbing. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. How can I do this again? How can life go on without him? How can I sleep alone every night? It hurts terribly. I didn't want to disconnect from him. I want to be with him. But I can't. My sister-in-law said it was like I had to build a wall around my heart and I agreed with her. That's what it was like before he came home.

But it can't be that way anymore. A wall is too solid, too permanent. Walls don't allow any feeling at all. Now I have air bags around my heart. They're protecting me from hurting too much while he's away. but my heart still feels. I can still put on his deodorant and his t-shirt and cry into my pillow at night when I'm missing him. I can sit in the doctor's office alone, remembering him sitting on the chair next to me just 2 weeks ago, and shed a few tears. But I can also safely navigate through the daily-ness of life because of my airbags.

Lord willing, our family will be together again sometime next year. Prayerfully, sooner rather than later. Until then, I'll rely on God and my airbags to get me through.

~ Layla