Finally my prayers have been answered. The evening after my last post, when putting my children to bed, I happened to look out the window. Large flakes of fluffy white snow were steadily falling. The ground was already covered with a blanket of white. Telling the kids goodnight, I ran out of the house, softly shut the door, and stood in the gently falling snow. 

As if by magic, the depression and darkness that has been plaguing me was lifted, floating away to somewhere beyond my sight. The energy and light that I have been praying for rushed in to replace the discouragement. As my hair pressed against my head with the weight of the snow, it felt like a blessing upon my head. The muted silence of the snow covered earth instantly filled me with such peace. The snow, falling straight down, illuminated by the soft light of the streetlamp, filled my with joy. Tears fell down my face, an echo of the beauty surrounding me.

I can't explain it, but I know that the moment was an answer to my prayers. The fight isn't over. My life is the same. But I pray I will be able to keep this peace. To pass it to my children. That light will continue to glow in our home, in my heart. I am now able to be content with what I can do. The things left undone do not not at my constantly, throwing me deeper into depression. I can remain calm, and joyful. Putting good times with my family first.

My husband and I watched the movie "Click" the other night. While maybe not a masterpiece of the silverscreen, it did give me much cause to think. It does seem like life goes by that quickly, even without a fastforward button. The months and years speed by, blurring together. I can't stop that, I can't slow down the rapid growth of the beautiful children in my home. I can, however, make sure that the blur that they look back on as their childhood is a postive on. Full of as many wonderful memories as mine was. Sometimes I get so sad. Longing for times past, upset for the things my life is missing now, that I forget I am the one who is responsible for the life of my children. That they too are missing things that I had, and I am the only one who can bring those things to them.

Yesterday, after watching the movie, I resolved to take advantage of the time we have. To turn of the addicting brain sucker, for my children and myself. To stay away from the computer when they were awake. To give them good memories. We had a good day.I went to the gym and jogged before the kids were up. School went well. We spent time with daddy at work, had lunch with him there. Came home and carved pumpkins. I just spent time conciously spending the moments of the day loving my children.

When I put Sarah to bed last night she said, "Today was the best day."

I am so happy that she noticed the change, and yet saddened that  have been so distant that such a normal day would be noted by her.

Well, one day down. I pray that will be able to keep it up. To live today. No waiting for tomorrow, for a house, for the baby to finish cutting teeth. I will live this day and be greatful for it.

I tend to have epiphanies, show resolve for a day or two, and then fizzle out, go back to the way things were. I can't do that.

Well, I better get off of the computer, and enjoy this beautiful fall day with my little ones.