Me:
I'm tired.  I'm not feeling great, but can't seem to put my finger on what exactly is wrong.  School is going - but slowly so, and not as consistent as I'd hoped it would be .  House is looking better though.  I've been working, fairly steadily, on tossing and biffing anything not nailed down and totally useful.  The place is starting to echo in some rooms .  Lots to do though, so we continue on.  I got a bit behind on my laundry, about 3 weeks ago, and I'm still playing catch up with it.  It's coming along though.  It's much faster to get it back in order with my new set of w/d, then it was with the limping ones I had before.  I figure another 6 - 7 loads and we'll have the issue licked.

My heart is very tired.  Nothing horrible going on.  Finances are extremely difficult right now, and that is giving me some sleepless, dream-filled, stressful nights.  XH is fine.  Hasn't been in my face about anything lately .  He came out yesterday, out of the blue, with the 2 boys he had with him this weekend, and finished the deck work he'd started back in July.  Deck looks nice.  It touched my heart so much to see him rallying the children around him, teaching them, guiding them, encouraging them.  They all just lapped it up.  Made me just ache for the shoulda, coulda, mighta beens.    The only one not out there with them was CDee, and he seems to be really pulling away from his father these last few months .  It's sad really.  They could have been great for one another - they are not.  They don't fight, or anything like that.  They just seem to exist with one another, not really connecting through their hearts - more just their heads.  I know it pains XH, but well, it's his own cross to bear - so I try to stay out of it.  Makes me sad for them both though.

I'm so very lonely these days.  I try not to think of it, but I am and I do.  I am coming to the realisation, I just might spend the rest of my days as a single, once married lady.  It is disquieting.

My children are all growing up.  So fast too.  This also disquiets me.  Though I am very proud of them, I am feeling at a loss for what to do with my future, with each of them growing up so fast these days.  If that sounds melodramatic - forgive me.  I'm sort of feeling melodramatic lately.

I am beginning to come to the realisation, that without the Lord bringing me a husband, I'm soon going to have to consider going into the workforce.  As each child is aging and growing, the resources I once relied on to keep me home and looking after my children, is/are drying up.  I will need to look into what to do about that.  I can't do nothing.

I'm trying not to borrow trouble.  I'm trying to remain upbeat.  I'm trying to maintain my equilibrium and hope for my future.  It is hard though.

I believe I'm feeling rather melancholy lately.

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Ike passed his second attempt at his beginners theory driving test last Thursday.
He's also been off work for most of the last 4 weeks, and is driving me bananas .  He needs to work.  He needs the outlet.  He needs the feeling of doing and being, and being needed.  There isn't enough work right now, so they had to temporarily lay him off. 

Denny is just so ....  lately.  I'm not sure what is up with him, but he is getting on every single person's very last possible aching nerve lately.  I'm trying to love him through it, but I'm having a hard time even just liking him at all these days.  I know his heart.  I know he doesn't know how to say all that is in his heart, and that makes him react.  I know he was supremely hurt by Mr. Q. (Farmer fella who was really harsh on my son's ego and heart, for the month he worked for him) He's still angry.  He has not forgiven him, yet.  I know he will, but it is still to fresh and too painful for him. His pride is hurt, as well.  He feels inadequate and has turned away from his farming dreams.  He came to me today and said he is looking for a new place to walk with his dreams.  I feel so sad that this one man could do so much damage in my son's heart, to his self-confidence, his hope .

CDee is just growing up, and maturing and becoming such a good man.  I'm am very thankful for this young man and his heart.  The only thing I worry about him is his growth with the Lord.  I know he loves Jesus.  He has done so from a young age of about 6/7.  I know he rededicated himself right around 12, and continues to speak, with love, of the Lord. I don't see him growing though.  I know he has a deep prayer life, but I also know he is not getting  into God's Word.  Part of the problem is our church situation.  Neither of us can find a solution to this situation.  We just don't have the choices, as English folks in Quebec, as we need to find a new home.  He feels like an outsider looking in there.  We both do.  He use to know so many of the youth, and the young leaders at church - now, he doesn't.  Anyway ... he's trying, and he'll keep on trying.  He does love Jesus, and that the only important thing - the rest will come, as he continues to grow and mature as a man of integrity.

Michael is so much like CDee it amazes me.  Yet, he's is own quirky self too.  He loves everyone around him, and shows his love to everyone around him too.  He's cheery and gentle and sweet and giving.  He's the one child, of all of them, that I KNOW will give his all to whatever he sets himself to.  Doesn't matter if he's sweeping the floor, cleaning his turtle cage or painting the front deck he helped his Daddy fix ...he is enthusiastic and joyful in all he does - even if he hates it! .  He's a hugger and a snuggler and his heart hurt easy, but he forgives wholeheartedly and without reservation - no matter the transgression against him.   He tells me he wants to have a kennel and raise Huskies - breed them, train them and groom them.  I often wonder if he isn't going to be raising saints for Jesus .... his heart is sooooo compassionate and impassioned.  He's a good egg and I love him dearly.

Miss Belle .... how did she get so very beautiful?  I don't mean physically.  I mean her heart.  It's so beautiful, sometimes I am brought to tears with how her sweet heart works.  How she takes other peoples' meanness and turns it around and talks about them with care and love.  She's emotional.  She's dramatic.  She's modest.  She's endearing.  She's forgiving.  She's loving.  She's a little imp, and a quirky giggler and she has the most amazing joy for life, babies, families, puppies .... Even when she steps into trouble, she has the good character and integrity of spirit to admit it, deal with the repercussions and take her 'medicine' with grace and humility.  She amazes me.  I wish I could be her when I grow up.  How did she get to be almost 8?  I mean, she's my baby and she'll turn 8 in mid-November ... and how did that happen?

I want another baby.  I don't want to admit that my baby years are behind me, until my Grandbaby years get to start.   I have so much capacity for love in me to give to another baby - husband .... grandbaby .... I want to give it, I don't want to stifle it until then.


Anyway ... first I'm silent, then ya can't shut me up, hey?

Sorry about that.  Just feeling old.  Sad. Melancholy. Disquieted.

Wishing I had some of those roses to stop and smell .

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