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Love and Legos
Feb. 18, 2006
New Scientific Discovery: House Flies Can Teleport!
We've
had an awful fly problem since we moved into this house last
September. The number of flies we kill on a nice warm day is
unbelievable. In the hundreds. We've worn out 4 flyswatters
in 5 months, and tried various other remedies like flypaper (very hard
to get out of your long hair when you accidentally walk into one!) and
vinegar traps (turns out they work on the wrong kind of fly) and
ziplock bags full of water on the front door (the tape wouldn't hold
for longer than 10 minutes, and besides that I worried that if it
worked I might be practicing some sort of voodoo, which isn't a very
Christian thing to do).
And
we just couldn't figure out how they were getting into the house!
At first we figured it was because the boys were always leaving the
doors hanging wide open. But when we sealed the house and made a
law whereby anyone under the age of 31 had to be let in or out by an
adult, the flies still came. So we closed the glass doors on the
fireplace in case they were coming down the chimney, got rid of the
potted plants in case these were some sort of dirt-nesting flies, and
searched the attic for rotting 'possum corpses and secret entrances
through the ceiling, but to no avail. I was pondering whether
they could be coming through the thin openings on either side of the
brick fireplace, where you can definitely feel a draft on a cold day,
when by pure accident I found the answer.
I
was about to reheat something in the microwave oven when, just as I was
closing the door, one of the pesky critters flew right in there.
At first I was peeved at having to get a fly out of the microwave just
so I could continue on with life, as if it weren't enough that I had to
live my life with a flyswatter in one hand already. Then I was a
little impressed that a creature with no brain could make it through
the door with milliseconds to spare. And then I unimpressed
myself by realizing that if the creature had had a brain it might have
known better than to fly into a microwave that was about to be fired up.
THEN,
FINALLY, I wondered what would happen if I left the fly in there and
went about my business of fixing lunch. So after a tiny bit of
thought, but before I could begin to talk myself out of it, I turned
the knob and pushed the start button, and watched the fly very
carefully. Nothing happened. Seconds ticked by and still
nothing happened. Then, suddenly at about the 9 second mark,
something incredible happened. The fly disappeared.
Poof, he was gone. On the 8th second he was sitting there on the
glass tray seeming perfectly innocent (we all know better) and on the
9th second he was gone.
According
to this completely scientific experiment, I have deduced that a house
fly faced with certain doom is fully capable of teleporting itself out
of a crisis.
My
husband doubted my theory at first, asking why they don't simply
teleport out of the way of a flyswatter. But it's simple.
The life mission of a fly is to torment human beings. Being
swatted is apparently how a fly gets to Fly Heaven. They're
kamikazes. There is no glory in being microwaved to death, so my
Microwave Fly was completely justified in teleporting away from danger.
So now we know how the flies are getting into the house.
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