A new leaf.

We'll see.

I've not been writing anywhere else either.  Not even in my journal.

Things aren't going that bad.  But they aren't going that great either.  So I didn't figure I'd have much of an audience.

But today I was perusing my list of favorite blogs.  And although I usually just check one, maybe two, I wanted to read something a little different.  So I kept reading down my list, thinking, I should just delete a bunch of these, when I came across a blog called "Love One Another Homeschool". 

Catchy, I thought.  I like the sound of that.  I couldn't quite connect in my mind the writer, the story that fit behind the title. I pointed and clicked and as my slow computer connected me, I thought, is this my blog?  Then I thought, maybe I should delete it, too.  But then I started reading and connecting to the writer.  I liked her style.  Genuine.  A particular voice.  Someone perhaps unsure of her footing, but trying anyway.  Someone who gets me. 

And then I thought, I should write something today.

So here I am, reading thoughts almost a year old, at about the same time of day, typing with two hands now that my two year old sleeps in his crib for his nap, and wondering, again, what on earth do I have to blog about.

I could fill you in on what we've been doing over the past several months, like our exciting trip to Disney World that I literally did not want to come home from, or how much our kids have grown over the past year, or what I'm doing about homeschooling now.  I could go in many different directions.

I think I will tell you what I've been thinking about today, though, as ordinary as it may be.

I've been thinking about my student debt.  Yeah.  It's a killer.  All $72 thousand of it.  I thought I'd be a physician and have a salary to pay it back.  But I was wrong.  No salary.  I'm staying at home.  And even after several years of it, as well as a day like yesterday (which ended with me yelling at the top of my lungs), I am still choosing to do it.

But I do consider what my options are from time to time.  I investigated entering a local university to work toward a Master's in Liberal Studies (not Liberal as in politics, but Liberal as in Multi-disciplinary studies) but they have stopped admitting students for now.  They may eliminate the program. 

Hmmm.  Is this a sign, God?

I have thought for years that I should have studied Psychology, that I missed my calling.  But to enter the Master's program would require 18 hours of undergrad work.  That adds a significant amount of time and expense to a degree I'm not sure how I would use.

Back to the drawing board.

Actually, I had really wanted to enroll as a postbac student and take a four hour psych course to try it out.  But the more I talked to my husband, the more I realized I did not have his support. 

It would cost around $600 or more for everything, plus working out childcare.  Because I am already spending $343 per month of the family's budget on my loan and have nothing to show for it, and because I am comitted to building up $3000 in emergency savings over the next year and a half, I don't expect to enroll this fall.

In fact, for the first time, I'm coming to the realization that I may never earn a Master's degree.  I figure if I can't do it now, then in a few years, we will still be paying off my student loan debt, we will have more expenses related to the children's education and we will be looking at their college expenses. 

A few months ago, I looked at the projected expenses for my children's college education.  I cried.  I called my mother, who happens to know a great deal about college expenses. 

She told me that some things are just too big for me to feel responsible for. 

She's right.  But I just always assumed I would do for my children what my parents did for me:  pay for their undergraduate degree.

Looking at the projection of the expense for three children to go to a state university made me scared angry outraged!  How can we afford that!!  I had to set it aside.  I know there are many avenues to pursue for paying for college.  I just wanted to be the reliable parent, the one that has solutions.  But I can't figure out a way to pay my own debt back before I turn 60!  Ugh.

I have talked to God several times over the years about this.  I've pleaded, PLLEEEAAASSE take the debt away.  I've bargained, God, if you pay off my debt, I'll give half the monthly payment away!  I've gotten angry, and thought, God you must be punishing me for ________________ (fill in the blank with some sin I comitted, ie. my pride, my desire for material wealth, my mistake of going to medical school to begin with, my lack of faith or trust or love for You... I could go on)!  I've also felt God owes me because I'm carrying around this burden and God is supposed to take my burdens away!  I've thought that God could really show me His love for me by taking my debt away.  I could be a witness to people just to trust God to help them and He would.  See, like me, he paid my debt!  I sing the song, "You came from heaven to earth, to show the way! From the earth to the cross, MY DEBT TO PAY!!!!!"

I've wanted to accelerate my payments like all the financial people tell you to do with credit card debt.  But when I did that, I felt like I was suffocating my family.  We couldn't afford to do anything fun with the amount I wanted to send.  So I backed off to the minimum.  I've also had a financial planner tell me that because my interest rate is so low that he'd advise me to take as much time as I could to pay them back.  He said he'd hope to die still owing them money.  My interest rate is down to 1.0% and will stay there for the life of the loan if I keep making payments.  But he doesn't see the emotional burden that I carry because of it.  The interest rate on that is much higher.

I think of family vacations that other people seem to be able to afford.  Every year.  I think, how can they spend $2000-$3000 every year to go on a trip?

But then I add and multiply and realize I am spending over $4000 a year for my debt.  I'm sick of it!! (Sorry, this is becoming just a rant!)

I have asked my husband (and my seven year old daughter) to intercede for God to remove this debt.

But I have a suspicion that God will help me pay it back one slow payment at a time.  And that I will be about 60 when it happens.  That God will be faithful in His own way.  Not mine.  And I get angry again.

I feel like I've been robbed of something, cheated out of something.  That I should have been more strongly warned about borrowing money for school.  It seemed like a calculated risk at the time.  Now, I just want out!!

I fantasize each time the bill arrives that I've won some sort of award from the foundation, and that my loan is now paid in full.  I have stared at the numbers on my statement, willing them to suddenly shrink.  But even the interest rate can't get any smaller.  And while I see that I am making progress (it was $81,000 when I started), I only see that it will eat up my children's childhoods.  And I will have nothing to show for it.

I wish I could end this rant with something uplifting.  Something encouraging.  I am ok.  I'm not in tears as I write this, although many tears have been shed about it.  But the one spiritual thing that occurs to me is from Job:  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

God PLLEEEAAASSEE take this away.

Amen.

Hi Blog.  I see you're still here waiting patiently for me to come and visit you.  I'm glad no one has chosen you for deletion, because despite my persistent neglect, I'm still glad you're around.  Somehow it's comforting to know that in case I have something to say, you are ready to listen receive and store my words for potential future reading.  Not sure if these words are worth rereading, but it's nice to know they are there, just in case.

I have three quarters of a shelf full of old journals I have also written in over the last fifteen years or so.  They are gathering dust too.  But I still keep them.  Once in a great great while when I am feeling especially brave (or curious) I open one of them up.  I am often surprised by the wisdom contained in them.  I think, "Who wrote this?"  or "That sounds very spiritual."  Then I realize that those are my words in my handwriting.  Then I think, I wonder what someone else would make of them.  I get concerned that my writing is esoteric or too intuitive or somehow not clear, that others would not understand.

So I self-consciously put the journal back on its shelf, asking myself, am I a writer?  And walk away, knowing that just in case I need those journals, they are sitting there, waiting for me.

Would people see my heart in my writing?  Would anyone else find truth in my words?  Could God use my words to reach people's lives and draw them, even slightly, closer to His heart?  Could God use my words written many years ago to draw ME closer to His heart?

Sometimes, I think those words were written when I was more naive than I am now and that somehow they are not genuine enough--tested enough, perhaps-- to be useful to anyone else.  What makes writing useful for someone else after all?

I can't imagine actually tailoring my writing for a specific audience.  Other than myself and God, I guess.  My husband likes my writing.  I think he likes it because I try to be transparent in it.  I think he thinks it's funny when he can hear my voice through my writing.

He speaks for his career.  He gets paid for his words every week.  He wonders if his words will be useful to anyone else.  He tries to talk about God, not himself so much.  He finds that that is difficult.  I guess that makes him sound more egotistical than he really is.  But talking about God, and eventually getting people ultimately to talk to God themselves is a big challenge.  At least it seems so to us.  People seem to want to talk about anything-- the weather, our garden, their grandchildren, our children, what they had for dinner-- except God.  Surely they think about God.  So why does it seem that my husband is the only one talking about God?

Am I back to being judgemental?  That's continually my fear: when I think about these things, and then go and write about them, that my words come out haughty.  Pharisaic. 

But the truth is, I don't hear (or generate for that matter) much talk about God.  I wonder what God would have to say about that.

I just wish someone would talk to me about God, and that it would be Truth about God.  That they would talk about how much He loves me, how deep and wide his heart is toward me, how he wants me to think and talk and write regarding others, about when anger is righteous and when I start to sin in it.  I wish I could hear people continually point me back to thanking God for my blessings, giving him credit for the everyday miracles that so often slip by me unnoticed.  My children, the sunset, the growing plants in our garden and the corn field beyond.  I wish someone would remind me that even my pets' gentleness as they nuzzle my fingers and the gentleness they draw out of me is a way to connect me to God's gentleness toward me and toward all creation.

I wish someone would continually remind me of God's presence in my life.

Hmmm, I'm considering that I already have reliable sources for this reminding I am asking for.  I do prefer an audible voice, but perhaps I can start with my own written voice.  My own writing seems to draw me to a deeper sense of God's Voice.  So why do I avoid it, both past writing and daily writing?

I also consider my mother's voice.  In the past, I think she operated on the presumption that she would live out her faith before me and not have to talk about it.  But now, and it still seems strange when she uses her words, she will occasionally remind me to pray about a problem or be thankful for another blessing. 

I have often dismissed or minimized this new deminsion in our relationship, and yet, she is giving me what I am asking for.  She is someone who talks, occasionally, of God and His goodness to me.  Thank you God again for yet another blessing that you have provided even before I have consciously asked for it.

Help me to listen for your people to talk of You and to You.  Keep me from any false presumption that my husband and I are the only ones talking about you-- and to you.  Bring us in on the conversations people are having about You.  Use their words to draw us, even slightly, closer to Your heart.

During my hiatus, I visited other blogs, mostly written by Christian homeschooling moms, although I did visit a few secular mom blogs (wow! they are different!) as well as an engineer who has a blog about saving money on your energy bill (www.energyboomer.typepad.com ).  My sister-in-law keeps a blog (www.marybethwhalen.com ) so I can, sort of, keep up with her world.

I like visiting blogs and getting to know people, or at least seeing the part of their life that they choose to share with the world.  But sometimes I feel a little obsessive about it, that people I don't know are competing with my children for my attention, so I have to back off.  Shut it down for a while.

My 13 month old son is still dependent on me for his nap time.  Somehow he can sleep in his crib at night, but if I lay him down during the day, he screams instead of sleeping.  So I take a deep breath, get my nursing pillow, sit in the rocking chair with him, and try to give myself permission to take this time with him.  Meanwhile, I surf.  And, occasionally, like now, I type.  One handed.  My laptop sits on the fireplace hearth next to me and I have to strain my neck to turn and see the screen through my glasses that must be oriented correctly to correct my astigmatism.  Needless to say, I don't last long.... Well, ok, I strain a little while til the circulation gets cut off from my arm and my head starts hurting.

Hey!  I don't get out much with a six year old, a four year old and a one year old.  I gotta cut myself some slack!

Blogging one handed is better than not at all.  Even if it is a pain in the neck!  I think.

I am deciding if it really is worth it.  I know it's a season, but it sure does feel like my son is here to stay, especially at about 2 in the afternoon. 

When you have small children, you tend to forget that the world actually has productive time during the hours of 2pm and 4pm, not to mention that there's life after 8pm! 

The few times we are out after 8pm, I'm surprised at how many other folks are out, too!

Sometimes, it seems there are so many moms who do so much more (inside and outside their homes) than I do.  I get intimidated.  Then I realize that most of them have been doing this longer than I have by at least four years.  Their children include, at minimum, one or two who can fix themselves and someone smaller a snack and will probably not eat the cat food if left alone in the kitchen for one minute!  (Ok, I can trust my six year old not to do that now, I think.)

Blogging is about the journey, it seems to me, and sharing insights along the way.  At least those are the blogs that I continually visit.  Blogs like:Real Learning  , Cheaper By The Half Dozen , and Pleasant View Schoolhouse.  I enjoy following their stories so much that sometimes I forget about my own.

But then I start to wonder when it will be my turn to tell my story.  Can I find time to both "listen" and "talk", to read and to write?

I decided today that I really did want to kkep this blog up.  Even if I can only write for ten minutes at atime.  Even though there will be typos!

We have been doing life these days.  I guess I'd call us unschoolers, in that we have relied on life to be the stuff of learning.

I have also attended a couple of homeschooling seminars, by Mary Hood and Linda Hobar.  Great stuff!

I have admired Mary Hood's approach since I first learned of homeschooling.  It was awesome to hear her speak.

Linda Hobar is the author of Mystery of History, written especially for homeschoolers with older elem. to middle school-aged kids.  I've decided the writing in the sample lesson is over my kids' heads for now.  But I really want to use this curriculum someday.

I have also discovered A Child's Geography, at www.knowledgequestmaps.com .  And I have also found All Through the Ages, at www.nothingnewpress.com .

I'll write more later!

Not sure if I'm supposed to be proud of this or not.  But the quiz was cute and it pointed me back to the stack of books I have waiting quietly beside my bed.  Guess I should head there now, since the library called to remind me of five more books waiting (again, quietly) for me there, too.

Meanwhile, I flip open the Bible, my mainstay method of hearing from God, and find this from Ecclesiastes Chapter 12:

 ..dear friend, go easy.  There's no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you're no good for anything else.  The last and final word is this:

Fear God.
Do what he tells you.

And that's it.  Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it's good or evil.
                                                                          (The Message)

Sometimes, God is not very subtle. 

So I will try to "go easy" both on me and my children.  Grace.  Grace.  Maybe I won't get through my stack or my children's stack before they have to go back to the library.  And after all, true wisdom comes from God. 

God help me put my trust in you, not in the authors of books.  Let your Word be sufficient in my heart.  Let me wait to hear your Voice.  You are my Teacher.  Let any book I read lead me back to trusting you, listening to You, asking You for help or for whatever I need.  Thanks for knowing me so well and putting the right words before me at the right time.  You are my True Friend and Guide.

I'm having a hard time these days with the dailyness of motherhood. 

You know:  Wake up.  Somebody's crying.  Somebody's hungry.  Feed them.  Feed yourself.  Somebody cries again.  Somebody asks for a snack. 

Or, my favorite, "Can we watch TV?"

I say, "No."  Then five seconds later, "Can we watch TV?" from the same child.  I know this child is just three years old, so I give him the benefit of the doubt and say no again.  Then he repeats, "Can we watch TV?"  "No," I say again, with the same even voice.  I'm impressed with my patience.  "Can we watch TV?"

--Sigh--.  "What did Mommy say, James?"  "No."  Then the whining commences.  "BUT I WANNA WATCH TEE-VEEAAAAHHH!!!!!"

The joys of motherhood.

And so, today, God gave me this word from Colossians, The Message:  "Be content with obscurity, like Christ." 

Don't be let astray by someone telling you they have the answers to great mysteries.   It makes me think of all the hype around the book The Secret.  I sometimes wonder if I'm missing out on something more significant.  God says "No."  TV isn't all that great for my soul, either.  Neither is anything that doesn't lead me back to God.

And don't be led astray by someone who tells you how to run your life or your worship.  Sometimes, I think if I can find the right person with the right advice or the right system, then I would be content.  But God says "No."  There isn't a formula for contentment.  Someone once told me, in answer to my search for the right formula for my relationship with God, "There's no formula but prayer."

Paul says when Jesus shows up, you will too.  You won't miss out.

So for now, be "content with obscurity."  Be obedient.  Show up for the dailyness of life..  Know that in the midst of changing diapers and keeping the peace, keeping up with the laundry and feeding hungry children, God won't forget about you.  God will share all His wisdom and glory with you.  He will let you in on it.  Trust.  Keep giving your heart to Him.  He is faithful.  You aren't missing out.  And put on "compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline." (The Message)

So I will again yield to God and love my children in words and actions, trusting God to take care of all our needs, including my need for contentment, even in the midst of obscurity.

Today, my husband visited the elementary school my daughter would attend if she went to kindergarten. 

He is a pastor and has wanted to spend time with the kids in our church.  So he asked the area schools if he could come and visit them. 

Everyone has been thrilled that he would want to come.  The principals have been accomodating.  The teachers, the ones that he knows atleast, have been very encouraging.  And the parents and students have returned the required forms giving permission to my husband to visit them during lunch.

This was his first lunch visit to the elementary school.  The kids got a kick out of seeing their preacher at school and eating lunch with him.  My husband loved seeing people in their "everyday" environments and really enjoyed the kids' company.

I asked him if it made him want our daughter to go to that school.  He said, "It's a wonderful school.  But no."  He had engaged his day so much from the perspective of pastor, caring for the kids of his church, that it was hard for him to step back and contemplate his experience as a parent.

Of course, I'm somewhat jealous of his experience.  I wonder what a day in Kindergarten or First Grade is like these days.  He got to see it and participate in it. 

The kindergarteners eat lunch at 10:20am because the cafeteria is so small.  Ugh.  We like our meals at the somewhat late hours of around 8:30 for breakfast, 12:30ish for lunch and maybe 6:30 for dinner, unless an occasional meeting pushes things forward or backward

The First Grade teacher he visited with had her room designed such that it didn't seem like there were 21 kids in there.  He got to listen to two kids read a book to him.  He said it was, in that respect, a lot like home, helping kids read, that is.  We do a lot of that around here these days.

He also said that it was confusing as a first time visitor, so many halls.  They have about 600 kids in all.  The classroom, he said, was so visually stimulating that it bordered on overwhelming.  Every inch of wall space had something on it.  Hmmm... that is different than our barely decorated house.  It makes me appreciate the tranquility of our house, along with all the baby toys I continually step around.

The First Grade teacher he visited with is also my daughter's Sunday School teacher.  She is excellent.  We all really appreciate her, even though I have not personally had a full conversation with her, yet. 

She told my husband to just come whenever he had time, that she was not a "schedule-person," and that he could come and read to the kids or whatever he'd like to do whenever he wanted. 

Huh!  And here I was, thinking that the schools keep to a rigid schedule and that I was somehow depriving my children of the "structure" and "schedule" of school.  I guess the reality is that no matter the environment, kids are not efficient, like a machine.  They are like plants and need time to grow and even time to meander around.  I wonder what sort of "meandering" time the schools allow... 

This certainly gives me several things to contemplate.  Yet, the challenge is not to get into the competitive mode.  I am just so accustomed to school and its atmosphere from my own childhood that the reality of "doing" homeschool is stretching me.  It's an enjoyable stretch, a good stretch ... but a stretch nontheless.

Ok--  I know that one of the first things people tell you to do when considering homeschooling is to join a support group.  But somehow, between moving multiple times and having a baby, and moving again, it has not been a top priority to me.  Now that we've settled into our house (I think all the boxes are unpacked!) and the baby is over seven months old, joining a support group is starting to look like a necessity.

I, like many homeschoolers, I'm sure, live out in the country.  And there just aren't an army of homeschoolers in my neighborhood.  Or in my church, for that matter.  In fact the only other family in our church who homeschools is the former pastor's family.  And since we are the new pastor's family, they are not around to form any sort of community.

Anyway, I have just sent an email to the support group fairly close by that I have been watching from a distance for a few years.  In many ways this group has formed me even without my being a member.

The first seminar about homeschooling I ever attended was given by one of the current officers of this group.  She homeschooled her four children through high school and has just sent the youngest to college this year.  She attends my parents' church and seems reliable.  Stable.  Competent.  Brave. 

These are the qualities I am looking for in a support group.  Because I often feel not reliable, not stable, not competent and definitely not brave a lot of the time.  But I want to. 

So, as God allows, I am looking for friends who will encourage and strengthen.  I think I can be that kind of friend too.  I hope I get a chance soon.

I've found that there are times that I need to read a good story.  Sometimes that means fiction. 

But other times, I really want a good biography. 

I've never learned very much about good biographies that have been written over the years, either for children or adults.  But occasionally, I will have a keen interest in a person and seek out a biography and find either very few selections on the library shelf or so many that I have to judge a book by its cover. 

Most recently, I've been reading John Adams by David McColluough.  Over the past few years, I had seen it very favorably reviewed, so, despite its size (651 pages), I chose it because I was pretty certain it would be good. 

And it has been fascinating!  Better than I could have expected.  The sacrifices he and his wife Abigail made to bring about the founding of our country are staggering!  And I'm not much of a history buff.  But this is a really good story!  It's not a preachy-kind of story, not to me atleast.  But it has made me reflect a lot more than I have before about my freedoms and my willingness to make great sacrifices, both for my country as well as for my faith.

So, in my fickle quest to be a "blogger" I've come up with a question for any lurkers out there:

Do you know of any REALLY GOOD biographies?

They may be about missionaries, historical figures or other people I haven't even thought about.  Tell me what age you would recommend them for.  Are there any for very young children that are exceptional?  Do you know about an award for biographies or any compiled lists of the best biographies?

In my abbreviated search of an answer to these questions, I found this link for christian biographies.  Looks like a great resource but the first book I took an interest in (Jonathan Edwards' The LIfe and Diary of David Brainerd) was not at my library.  But it peaked my husband's interest to know about that book so maybe one day we will purchase it!  To give credit, the blog, Living Books Make Homeschooling Fun provided the link for me.  While it does not appear to be currently maintained, the blog also offers a list of good christian biographies.  Looks like a good place to start!

One author I run across again and again is Jean Fritz.  Does anyone have a recommendation for which ones are the best from this author?  What other biography authors seem to stand out?

Thanks for your comments!

The last week or two have been too busy.  I thought moving to the country would lighten our schedule.  But I guess having three kids and a pastor for a husband, no matter the size of the congregation, equates to busyness.

We spent four nights last week in the mountains of North Carolina, enjoying the waterfalls of Transylvania county and Skytop orchard in Henderson county (I think).  It was a wonderful trip, although again, three small children (5 yrs, 3 yrs, and 7 mos) can keep two parents busy with just maintaining life (cleaning, feeding, getting them to sleep).  But we still managed to get out and see the highlights of the area.  And we came home and baked an apple pie with the apples we bought straight from the orchard.  Usually we would pick our own, but this year there were literally NO apples on the trees, because of  a hard spring frost.  Fortunately, the orchard had salvaged what they could and had plenty of apples at their shop.  It was still a beautiful walk through the orchard.

I'm actually starting to think about "school" again.  I asked Elizabeth, my five year old, what sort of school she wanted to do.  She said, "Well, Monday is dance day."  Yes it is.  She has ballet and tap lessons Monday afternoon.  So we decided to make Mondays "Music Day."  We also agreed that Tuesday should be "Art Day." 

I decided Wednesday would be "Geography Day, " Thrusday would be "Math Day," and Friday is Sabbath or "Family Day", with Saturday as "Errand Day."  Sunday is Church and Rest.

For each day we will be intentional about including the "subject" into our activities.  Last Thursday (Math Day), we baked an apple pie and measured the ingredients.  I decided not to force the issue and included the kids when they were interested and when they lost interest they went on to other things. 

It was an experiment for me, a very inexperienced pie maker.  I want to do things with them that are both challenging and enjoyable for me as well.  And I loved the results of my effort!  As my mother told me, "It's hard to mess up with apples, sugar and cinnamon!"  Well said!

Today I sifted through our cd collection and realized that we have A LOT of children's music.  And it's good stuff, too!  So I told my three year old James that we would play "train songs" (from Kindermuik's Our Time! Away We Go! )  After the train songs, I picked an assortment of mostly Bach and left it on this morning, softly playing in the living room.  They couldn't hear it in their rooms, which was fine, again, I didn't want to force the issue.  And that was "Music Day."  James loved the train songs, BTW.

So we will see how this plan works and how long it feels right, until the next Holy Spirit direction comes.

I don't really feel like writing, but I've heard other writers say that you just have to show up, even when you don't feel like it.  I wonder if that applies to church attendance.  I guess they mean that in order to get better or to get through a slump, or writer's block, they have to keep practicing.  That's what I'm trying to do by writing right now.  If I can just keep writing then eventually something significant will come out.  Hopefully.

But what about church attendance?  What does just showing up get me?  Is it a discipline, with three small children and a husband at work (he's the pastor), to just show up?  I know it's hard work.  But what does going to church accomplish?

I'd like to think that by going I am becoming more a part of a community.  Connected to the body of Christ.  But what it feels more like is me making a spectacle of myself, whether I stay home or go. 

Last Sunday we were late to Sunday School, which was ok because usually we are on time and end up waiting for our children's teachers to show up anyway.  Well, this Sunday one of the adult classes decided to meet outside (it was the first beautiful day below 90 degrees in about six weeks).  So there they sat in their circle of chairs as the van pulled into the church lot.  "Oh good.  An audience," I said and my husband groaned. 

Just what we needed.  Fodder.  We wondered when this tardiness would come back up in conversations.  But we just exchanged glances with a few acquaintances, along with knowing smiles.  Seems they remember having small children, too.  Grace.

It was a little surprising.  Church people that I've known have been somewhat short in the grace department.  More like Pharisees.  Me included. 

Maybe that's what happens when I show up at church. 

Eventually, if I'm persistent and keep coming even when I don't feel like it, I will experience grace.  Not just grace from God.  I experience that most days, hopefully, every day.  But from people...?  Not so much. 

Even my children have to be reminded to be kind and patient with me.  And people who feel they pay for a pastor (and assume a family will come with him) feel a sense of ... entitlement, or does that sound too harsh?... Maybe it's better to say they have an assumption that we will all be there.  Perhaps I'm projecting judgment onto them when it really doesn't exist.  Maybe this church is different from the previous ones we've served. 

I've been concerned since we came almost four months ago that my husband and I would sell them short, that we would make assumptions about them, based on our past hurts with previous churches.  But they have been burned too, by previous pastors.  So we are mutually suspicious of one another.  Hmmm, the Gospel of John says instead of being suspicious, we should "love one another."  Where have I heard that before?

Sometimes loving one another means giving each other the space to be human.  Maybe they will give me the space to stay at home once in a while.  And maybe I will give them the space to extend grace to me once in a while... and show up.

Yes, God.  But I said no to church.  Is this holy?  Is this false?  What am I saying no and yes to?  Yes, I want God—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, generosity, and self-control.  I want to be a friend of God.

No, I do not want to be ruled by whether or not I (or my family) meet expectations.  I know that we are a pastor’s family and that sometimes showing up is a part of paying the bills.  I’ve learned that finally after a year and a half away from salary—and (for the most part) the expectations that go with it. 

But now that we are back in a local, very rural, very traditional church, and I have a 6 month old and a 3 year old and a 5 year old, and I am for the most part a single parent for the worship hour, i.e. I can’t ask my husband to hold the baby while I take the three year old to the potty,… I am having a hard time with the “showing up” part.

I stay in my house with children for the better part of the week, longing at times for adult companionship and then, on Sunday, the one place I can sort of be around other adults, although my conversations are very limited with said three year old and six month old, as well as the five year old, I don’t want to go. Why?  I feel like I’m being watched and not helped.  Oh yeah, there are moments of other’s helping me.  For example, one man’s offer for Elizabeth to sit with him while I take the boys to the nursery.  The nursery is a big help, too.  James cannot make it an hour with just me and a coloring book and be as quiet as we need to be and as still as we need to be.

Oh for a church that is truly kid-friendly.  I know it would have its limits too.  Loud services, lack of quiet reflective time, although that can be modeled by the adults, who also tend to be shuffling papers and whispering to each other during the service.  I know I do.  But a service that is genuinely open and prepared for a single mother of three small children to come and worship.  Yes.

Oh Lord, what are you doing in my life.  Things seem to take soooo long.  It takes so long for us to get the money we need, even though it does come on time.  It takes sooo long for our children to learn how to be obedient and kind to each other.  It takes soooo long for there to be fruit of the Spirit in my life.  And just when I think, hey!—I’ve had more patience today than I’ve ever had before, I lose it!  Blow my top.  Back to square one.

There’s the baby.  Must end for now.

Over the past few days, I have become overwhelmed in all the reading I had been doing.  I was reading The Power of Play by David Elkind, For the Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay, Freedom is Real Education by Terri Camp, and A Mind At A Time by Mel Levine.  Ugh.  I got to the point where nothing was sinking in. 

So again, I find I have to back off, take a break.  Breathe.

I have also been searching for blogs to encourage me.  This is also an overwhelming task.  One I have found, Guilt-Free Homeschooling, has been a big help. 

But mostly, so far, I have found blogs that raise my anxiety, usually because they appear more organized and more productive than I ever think I could be, or they just don't fit the direction I seem to be headed in.

I have a five year old daughter, a three-year-old son and a six month old son.  They are on the cusp of being helpful, especially my five year old, who is presently setting a tea party (game) next to me as I type.  But these days, I find the activities-of-daily-living to be almost sufficient to fill our days.  Most days I find plenty of time to build a train track for my three-year-old, or to play Candyland. 

I have so far abandoned my earlier attempts at a school schedule.  We do generally have a routine for meals, devotion and Bible story, as well as bedtime, complete with reading stories, that is if everybody is still with it enough to be following directions. 

I did get out of the house, with the help of my husband, with all three kids, to go play at the church playground.  We also went for a walk around the cemetery and discovered three ducks in the adjacent pond and a bucket with duck food. (Well, actually it was fish food, but since there were no fish, I assumed it was for the ducks, and they seemed to like the food just fine.  I guess ducks aren't that picky when it comes to being fed.  They can't be if they rely on three-year-olds to feed them.)

I hope we can go to the playground again.  We are not very close to any parks.  And I'm just not skilled yet at nursing a baby and chasing my three year old around a public playground yet, especially when I have to yell at him to stop because he runs so fast that he otherwise wouldn't hear me.  Not very graceful or picturesque of a homeschooling family. 

I'm also thinking I'm going to casually try to restart Five In A Row.  We have enjoyed most of the books we have read so far from the list.  I just won't try to do three in a row in one day (my previous attempts were somewhat ambitious).

I've just put How to Make an Apple Pie and See the World on hold and we are taking a trip next week into the North Carolina mountains, aka apple country.  We plan to visit Sky Top orchard for some apple picking.  Now there.  That seems more picturesque doesn't it?

I know, I know.  I'm not supposed to be concerned about such things.  Yeah, I don't know what to do about that real (or imagined) audience.  I do know I want to go apple picking with my family! 

Thank you to church members of a previous church we served for a free mountain house!!! 

God continues His generous blessings to us every day.  Amen?

I guess this is how blogging goes, when you stay at home with small children, but I am finding it difficult to get uninterrupted time to write...

The previous pastor's family at the church we now serve was also a homeschooling family (the only one in the congregation of about 150-200 members).  It is a mainline traditional rural church.  The pastor's family had three girls, two of which have virtually grown up before the church's eyes. 

The church has watched this family for eight years while these two girls have developed from young adolescents into adults.  Unfortunately,the church has their critiques of these two.  And since this is apparently the only homeschooling family they have watched over the years, they attribute the girls' sometimes very immature behavior to homeschooling, one person going so far as to say to my husband, "If they would have just put those girls into public school, they would have been fine."

Now these are very kind spiritual people, who, upon first impression are intelligent and have (atleast many of them seem to have) submitted their lives to God.

However, I have several problems with their assumptions, which I'm sure most homeschooling readers would already spot, such as public schools being the solution to behavior (or, even more, "heart") problems, assuming that homeschooling is the reason for apparent bad behavior... 

Of course I also have my fears that they assume "if you've seen one homeschooling family, you've seen 'em all" and that they think we are slowly turning our children into social misfits, at best.

Anyway, since I don't know the solution to this setup (I know the Enemy wants me to be swept away by it), I will focus on the scripture put before me today by the Holy Spirit.  God says in Isaiah 42 :

                       "I've been quiet long enough,
                               I've held back, biting my tongue.
                       But now I'm letting loose, letting go,
                               like a woman who's havng a baby--
                       Stripping the hills bare,
                               withering the wildflowers,
                       Drying up the rivers,
                               turning lakes into mudflats.
                       But I'll take the hand of those who don't know the way,
                               who can't see where they're going.
                      I'll be a personal guide to them,
                               directing them through unknown country.
                      I'll be right there to show them what roads to take,
                                make sure they don't fall into the ditch.
                      These are things I'll be doing for them--
                               sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute."
                                                                               THE MESSAGE

I need a Personal Guide.  So does the church.  But I better focus on my needs for now. (You know... planks and specks.)

Thank you God that you don't leave me for a minute, because if you did, I'd get so lost...  beyond the ditch!  I just don't know where else to go.  Help me tune into your voice, and tune out all the other noise, whether good intentioned or otherwise.  Let me hear your voice.  What will you say to me today?

My husband took his weekly sabbath today, a new tradition for us.  He tried not to think about the church (he's the pastor) and we tried not to do too many chores.  But I wanted to talk about homeschooling.  Not exactly a stress-free topic these days. 

After I tried not to bug him but still communicated my NEED to discuss it, we ended up asking ourselves "Why don't we just send our kids to school?"  My answer was "Because I don't want to."  His (a bit more spiritual) was "Because I know that God wants US to teach our kids." 

He talked about an exchange between Elizabeth (our 5 year old) and him earlier this morning, where he responded to her need to be called "beautiful."  Initially, she had asked her three-year-old brother if she was pretty, to which he responded (in his three-year-old younger brother way) "No."  She was rather displeased and wanted to try again, when I intercepted her and told her she should come to her parents to ask us, because we would always tell her the truth, whereas her brother just liked the word "No."

Then her Daddy opened his arms wide and said with a smile, "You are beautiful!"  She hugged him for a very long time.  Then, with a few tears in his eyes he shared from Song of Songs how God sees us.  He had her reading several verses that said, in essence, "You are lovely."  She dubbed him her prince and after another long embrace flounced off in her princess dress to find a suitable crown for him.  It was a holy moment.

That, he said to me, is what I want our homeschooling to be.  Sharing the Father's Heart with our children.

So why is it that after such an affirming discussion and family time that meeting with family for a play date would leave me feeling so odd?

We had been invited over to a cousin's house (cousins we had not seen in about 12 years) for a play date as a way to reestablish our relationship that had been neglected, obviously, for quite some time.  We were looking forward to it both because they live close by and because their children are close in age to ours.

It was a very pleasant visit.  Our children seemed to play well together.  But when the subject of school came up (they know we are homeschooling), I had to say, "Well after three weeks of trying school, I've just completely stopped.  I figured all of Elizabeth's staring out the window was trying to tell me something."  My cousin, by marriage said, "Homeschooling is something I never considered and just don't think I'd have the patience for." 

"Yes," I said, thinking, neither do I, and feeling like a complete idiot for even trying something that I am obivously not equipped to do.

Later she asked in an off-handed kind of way, "Do you think you will go back to homeschooling her?"  It struck me as funny, even though I didn't laugh, because to me, I had never left 'homeschooling.'  I had just stopped doing what obviously wasn't working (that is, trying to complete one phonics workbook page and one math page a day).

"Oh yeah," I said, trying to seem comfortable with being perceived as wishy-washy.  "It's just trying to find something that works.  You know, you try something for a while, then if it doesn't work you back off and try and find something else."  I'm sure, especially now that I'm writing out this discussion, that I must have sounded like a complete idiot.

Why are we doing this?  Why aren't we sending our kids to school?

Oh yeah, because we feel called to this.  We feel God's call on our lives to be set apart.  I'm just still not prepared for how odd, or maybe, how different, we are from the "average" family, whatever that is. 

Because for so many years I've been writing in a journal that trying to compose on a computer seems to be a new thing.  I've worked on a computer for much of my life but not routinely used it to express myself.

I also wonder if I can be transparent writing for a real (or imagined) audience.  I'd like this blog to be authentic, as much as possible.  But it does not feel like writing in a journal.  I guess one day my children will get a hold of all my journals and read parts of them.  Probably the parts I don't want them to read.

Anyway, this is some of what I've been thinking about today:  I've been trying to find a scriptural reference to the word "school" and can't come up with one. 

Maybe I should look harder. 

But I have found several references to "teacher," or "teach."  Here's one:

GOD, teach me lessons for living
          so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me--
         my whole life one long, obedient response.
                                                  from Psalm 119 THE MESSAGE

In my confusion about my direction for homeschooling, I imagine myself at a crossroads.  This is one of the scriptures that I am holding dear:

The moment he hears, he'll answer...he'll keep your teacher alive and present among you.  Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right:  "This is the right road.  Walk down this road."
                                                from Isaiah 30 THE MESSAGE

And of course this:

"Go stand at the crossroads and look around.
            Ask for directions to the old road,
The tried and true road.  Then take it.
            Discover the right route for your souls."
                                             from Jeremiah 6  THE MESSAGE

God, show me your path for our family, for me.  Help me to have patience and trust in your timing.  Help me attend deeply to my children.  If this blog is another distraction from them, God, show me and I will surrender it too.  Let it be a place that I can come, with scripture, to a clearer understanding of your path, your will, your voice.

So, three weeks after having a school schedule for my five and a half year old daughter, I realized her dazed looks and her stares out the window were trying to tell me something.  Even though she knew how to read the three letter words on the page, how to form the letters, and how to figure out the addition problems, she could not keep focused long enough to complete a page or two of these workbooks a day.  I had already cut my expectations in half and it was still taking us most of the morning to complete "school." 

My three year old was also stressed.  When he would finish his puzzle that he had quietly worked on for the past ten minutes he would proudly yell, "TA-DA!!!" and not understand why I shushed him.  He spent several minutes in time-out during those three weeks. 

And to top it all off, we never had time to do art!  That's crazy!  Who set this schedule up anyway???

Well,... I did.  So, when I asked a 26-year veteran homeschool mom, "How do I know if I'm doing too much?"  she gave me great relief when she said, "If it is a source of stress, it is too much.  If it is like a game, if it enhances your day, then do it."  She reminded me of all the stuff I had read over the last five years that told me "Better Late Than Early."  It's amazing what I forget when surrounded by curriculum at homeschool conferences.  I want to have an answer for the question, "What are you using this year?"

Well, for now my answer, if I'm brave enough, will be, "I am waiting for the Holy Spirit to show me and I am attending to my children.  And we are doing 'art'!"  I have realized that instead of planning the next day's assignment I need to be praying and reading scripture... and attending to my children.  For now, this is my attempt at homeschooling.