but a secret's only as sweet as the lips that keep it.
it's a bittersweet line, its a bittersweet lie.

A Guidance in Color

She always looked like she was waiting for something, standing there, leaning against the fence, staring into the distance. A dreamy look permeated her features, glossing over her sharp eyes, leaving them unfocused and vague.

Yes, she intrigued him. During the day, she seemed so unapproachable, always surrounded by her eager audience. She filled their heads with wishes and magic, creating an imaginary life so real he was almost there. She spun words around and around, enchanting them.

Her sharp eyes danced and flared, moving from person to person, scanning her victims. Her lips moved rapidly, and her hands wove through the air, as if she was conducting some great silent orchestra only she could see. Her hair flicked through the air and she laughed, but at what?
She caught his eye and stopped, a shadow crossing her face and retreating into those dark, dark eyes. It permeated them, dulling the fire to a flickering ember, then killing it completely. Her hands dropped to her sides, then flew in front of her, crossing over her chest, creating a barrier. And then she was gone, from him at least.

He started to say something. There was nothing to say. So, he stood there, and she stood there, and nothing changed at all. Then she was gone, again, literally this time.
And soon she was everywhere. Wherever he was, she was there, until he worked up the courage to say something to her. Anything at all. She would disappear there, fading into the throngs of people perpetually milling about. He could never find her when he wanted to. It was almost as if a force of nature far greater than him was there, working to prevent their meeting. Fate. Serendipity. Anything at all to explain the fact that she seemed to be avoiding him.

Oh, but there she was. For once, alone. Leaning against the chain link, arms intertwining with the ivy vines creeping up the so old fence. He contemplated saying nothing, walking by as usual, but she was so compelling. So without thinking, he found himself walking, saying hello.

Standing there, just staring at each other, questions ran through his mind, so many. Which one to ask? What to say? What should he do? Eloquent phrasings slipped through his grasp, and he found himself asking,
What are you waiting for?

She blinked, as if seeing him for the first time. She tilted her head to one side, considering his question. They kept eye contact, and it wasn’t awkward. Usually, just holding unblinking looks was so weird. But not with her. He got the impression she was seeing more than just the dark hair, mussed and careless, blue eyes hiding behind a fringe of dark lashes, easy smile that came and went scarily frequently. She saw everything.
Nothing.

Her voice startled him, as confident as ever as she smiled. It was a real smile, not condescending for once, and it came with a spreading flush across her round face. She bent, picked up her school bag- blue. Like her lunch bag. Like her shirt. And the ribbon in her ponytail. The same blue as…

What are you waiting for?She was back to her usual haughtiness, hand on hip, hip cocked dangerously. But a sparkle in those eyes that couldn’t be mistaken. She was laughing at him. With him? At him. The smirk was back, sharp teeth beneath curled lips. Long fingers tapped her side, drumming out a quick rhythm. She was done here, wasn’t she? But you could never tell with her. She seemed to draw pleasure from his confusion as he wrestled for the right answer, anything but the truth, which slipped out anyway before he could stop it.

Nothing.He expected her to ask why he was still there if he had no purpose. After all, everything had to have a purpose for her. Or so he’d heard. He wouldn’t know, they never spoke. A pity. He was staring again; he hoped she wouldn’t notice. Not for any reason, no, she was just there. In his range of vision. Of course.

What are you looking at?She’d noticed. She’d have to be completely oblivious not to. He looked away quickly, down and to the side. Shame. That’s what his eye position meant, according to the books he’d read. He wondered if she’d read them too. Did she suspect anything? Not that there was anything to suspect, not at all.

Nothing.She giggled, an easy tinkling sound. Like bells. No, not like bells. It wasn’t like anything, really, except a laugh. She had very little poetic finesse, for all her indefinable charm. But maybe that was part of what made her so different, and so compelling. He looked up again, meeting her eyes this time. She was smiling, but when wasn’t she?

I should go.Already, he thought. It seemed too soon. It was too soon. But he shouldn’t expect her to stay, saying nothing to a stammering boy she barely knew. And she probably had a life, a nice life, something exciting and dramatic. If it were possible, she’d be a pirate or a ninja, or something with adventure.

Me too.He lied. She wouldn’t know that, know that he’d already missed his ride for this, know that he’d have to walk home. But it was only a mile. Was she worth a mile? Yes, he decided, she was. They’d need to talk again sometime, say more than nothing. It was quite easy to say more than nothing, to have a conversation, unless you were so enraptured in someone that you couldn’t think of anything to say. That didn’t happen often, thankfully. Only her.

Tomorrow?He blinked at her, confused.

Tomorrow what?She turned to go, waving goodbye with the back of her hand- a carefree gesture quite unlike her usual decidedly sharp motions.

I won’t be waiting again.As she walked off, he stood there stupidly, a smile slowly spreading across his face. The calm before a storm. Soon, he thought, he’d be swept up in the chaos she left in her wake. She wouldn’t notice, couldn’t. She was above that, beyond that. He’d be caught in the aftermath of a force of nature unstoppable by man. Beaten down, broken, destroyed, and left for dead. It would be fine- he’d always be fine. He wanted to see what happened. To be razed like a forest in a wildfire and grow from the ashes. Just as the earth repaired itself, so would he. Tomorrow, everything would fall into place, as much as chaos can. Tomorrow.

Because today is never enough.

are what you're all about,
summer's a bummer if you can't
get away from this pathetic excuse for a town
that holds all your crushes and broken dreams,
anywhere is better than here,
but anywhere is away from me.
well, this southern town is gonna miss you.
(excerpts from Big City Dreams by NeverShoutNever)

this story, Alex Down the Rabbit Hole, is written about and dedicated to my friend Alex,
my only literary rival. He gets to star in this adaptation of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
because of his naivety and gullibility, and because his name sounds a lot like Alice.
He's by far a better writer than I am, but I'm determined, one day our books will be rivaling in a Books-A-Million, and not just passed around the student body at his local high school.
This story has taken on a life of its own, people I don't talk to will walk up to me when I'm at a local restaraunt meeting friends, or when I'm meeting my friends at their school, and ask if I'll write them into the story. But for this part of the story, it is only important to know that Alex is Alice, and I'm the cheshire cat. Alex has dark brown hair and brown eyes. I have the same, though my hair is lighter than Alex's and his eyes are more of a gold-honey color than mine.
anyway. beat this Alex. beat this.


Chapter (undetermined):
in which Alex discusses directions with a cat.

“I want to go home,” Alex whined, something he liked to think he never did. (Unless, of course, he was trapped in a strange place with a frightening talking cat-girl with no sense of direction. In that case, he was perfectly fine with whining.)
“Can you at least get me there?”

“I dunno,” said the cat, eyes wide, “I wouldn’t like having that on my conscience. ‘Course, I have some contacts who wouldn’t mind helping you out there. Or there’s always the other option, if you wish.”

The cat might be helpful after all. “Alright,” Alex asked, “what’s the last option?”

“Suicide,” she stated flatly, the tip of her tail twitching, then flickering into invisibility.
“But that would be a shame,” she continued, her tone bordering on sarcastic, “because you’re so much more adorable than the last kid to come through.”

Or maybe not. However, Alex was ready to try just about anything to get away from the slightly-no, more than that!- insane cat. “But, um, won’t that kill me in my world too?”

“Uh, you’re the one that said you wanted to go Home,” the cat retorted, flicking its tail back into sight. “I was only trying to help.”

“Well, you aren’t. I meant, can you get me back to my house. Not can you get me metaphysically Home.” Alex sighed. “And I give up, which way should I go?”

“Hm, that depends,” said the cat, “Where are you trying to go?”

“I’m not sure. Really, anywhere else is good with me.”

“Then it doesn’t matter. You can go any which way and still wind up somewhere other than here. Unless where you go is to sleep, or insane. Then you’re still here.”

Alex made a mental note: never try to have a logical conversation with a cat.

Beginning to get irritated, he tried again. Pointing at the road to his left, he asked, “where does this road take me?”

The cat-girl gestured vaguely off into the distance, “Thataway. Or maybe Thisaway? I’m always confusing my that’s and my thises. But I know the road to my rift takes you over Yonder. And the road to my light takes you back into Time. A March Hare lives to the Seast, and a Mad Hatter lives to the Nest. Take any road you like.”

“This is crazy,” Alex exclaimed, rubbing his temples with his forefinger and thumb. His legs were aching, and he wanted to sit down, but he was inexplicably wearing a dress, and hadn’t quite mastered the mechanics of it yet. “Look, I don’t want to go among mad people!”

“Hah!” the cat chuckled evilly, “you can’t help that. We’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad.”

“I,” Alex replied huffily, “Am not mad.”

“You have to be. Or else you wouldn’t be here.”

“But I came here on accident!”

“No, you came here on your feet. And I should think that your feet are very much on purpose.”

“Your logic is twisted.”

“Do you need me to speak slower, darling? You look confused. Or is that how you always look?”

“You’re very condescending for a cat.”

“And you,” the cat replied, suddenly invisible, “are very slow for a boy.”

(that's all I have of this chapter so far. I have other chapters though, but they're written in a very sporadic order, which basically means whichever ones I like best are written first.)
what do you think?

Here's a short story to keep you tided over until more
of The Almost gets edited.
Which shouldn't be long. I promise.
Anyway, this story is set in a land I've created
called "Zo" (it was made up in sixth grade)
which is a parallel universe.
There is no more to this story,
I know you come in midaction, that's the point.
The italicized parts are flashbacks
the boldunderline part is Nina's most important thought
and the last flashback- at the very end-
is symbolic, not literal!
Anyway, with no further ado:
ZO!
kissandtell;;looselipssinkships

"Nina, why didn't you just tell me you were scared of the dark?"
"It's unprofessional, sir."
"But I left you there! I left you, hurting, alone, and afraid. I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault, Ja-sir. You couldn't have known."
"Well, I'm going to make it up to you. As long as I live, you will never have to wake up alone. Never again."
"Thank you, sir. And as long as I live, neither will you."
And we meant it.

Waking Up Alone
"Nina, you've got to stick to your convictions. You have to keep moving forward by doing what you know is right."

"But, Jake, what if I don't know whether it's right or not?"

"Then take a wild guess and follow the path you choose all the way through. It's better than giving up. Anything is better than that."

--

 "General! What will you have us do?" I asked Jake. He was sitting next to me, aiming his gun and shooting, again and again. He and the rest of that company could protect the main troops' left flank, but we had to do something about the right flank. I was a colonel by then, so I would be able to take troops around if he asked. Secretly, I was hoping he would ask me. The right flank was situated near my hometown, and I felt I should be over there, protecting it, not entrenched here doing nothing but being shot at by snipers we couldn't even see.

"We really need to get to the left flank, but that would require a decoy company! I don't want to risk more lives than necessary, but I can't think of anything else!" Jake sighed. "So…I guess it's the best plan we've got. We'll do it."

"Would you like me to gather some of our best shots, sir?"

"Yes, that will do. Get Johnson, Maeril, and Atherford and some more…whomever you think best. I'm trusting your judgment, Colonel."

"Yes, sir!" I saluted and ran off to find the men he had requested. About thirty minutes later, I was back with around 20 men. No more than necessary, and no less.

"Thank you, Colonel Hawkins. At ease." Jake turned to me and smiled a weak smile, very different from his usual lop-sided grin. He passed out orders to the men, then pulled a gun out of his temporary desk in his tent, almost knocking it down in the process. He'd already had to rebuild it three times after shelling in the area knocked his entire tent down. "Colonel…"

"Yes, sir?" I snapped to attention, fully prepared to risk everything to run decoy for him. After all, I was only a lesser officer-this was exactly the type of mission I was trained for. The kind of mission where no matter what you do, you die anyways.

"Remind me to thank you for the men when I get back. March, men!" Jake and the men turned and marched out, leaving me behind. I stood there for a minute, stunned.

Soon, I realized what had just happened and I dashed out of the tent to go after them. "Ja- GENERAL! GENERAL!"

"Easy, Colonel." one of the guards stopped me. "He's already marched out. He told me to tell you to command our flank here. You're the highest ranking officer left."

I sighed. Knowing Jake, it was a direct order. I didn't want to risk being court-martialed, not now. "Thank you, then. I will command these troops until Jake gets back."

The guard stared at me for a moment, no doubt unnerved by my use of Jake's first name so carelessly, but after days of marching, barely sleeping, being subjected to constant gunfire and explosions, and the myriad other hardships of war, he probably wrote it off to shell-shock, because he soon recovered and went back to his duties without a second thought of my slip.

Three days later, there was a sudden commotion around the gate of our temporary camp. I went out to investigate the source of the chaos, thinking that it was the scouting party I had sent out the day before returning with news of the enemy-and if not, then we under direct attack. I was sincerely hoping it was the first option.

"Sergeant!" I snarled at the nearest officer, "Can you tell me what the meaning of this noise is?"

"Oh, Colonel! It's you! You scared me! I think the General and the decoys are back!" the Sergeant gasped out, her hand to her chest. "They just arrived."

"Thank you. I'll go check it out." I turned to walk away.

"No! Don't!" the sergeant I had stopped called after me as I began to stride off.

"Excuse me, Sergeant? Are you forgetting your rank?" I growled. "I said I am going to check it out."

"Yes ma'-…Yes, sir." she replied reluctantly, remembering a bit too late my wishes to be treated just like a male officer-well, except for getting housed with the women, because showering with a bunch of sex-starved army men did NOT appeal to me. Not one bit.

I spotted Atherford, our best shot and secondary head of the decoy party talking to one of the doctors and hurried over to him. " Lt. Atherford!" I cried, relieved that at least one of the decoys had made it out of the mission relatively unharmed.

"Colonel Hawkins! How nice to see you, alive and well…" he grinned, trailing off when he saw the dangerous expression on my face.

"Cut the chitchat. Where's the General?" I snapped, barely aware of how ridiculous I was acting.

The doctor and Atherford glanced at each other before Atherford replied guardedly, "In the doctor's tent, sir." He motioned towards one of the myriads of plain white tents in our encampment. "Over there."

"I'm going to see him." I stated firmly, and I turned and walked to the tent Atherford had pointed out before anyone could try to stop me.

As I opened the flap to the tent, I could have sworn I heard the doctor whisper "her loss," but I was not paying attention. I just wanted to check on my Jake. I wouldn't admit it, but I had sincerely missed his company for the last few days.

"Remember, Nina-War is like love. Easy to start, hard to end, and impossible to forget."

"Sir?"

"…Just remember, there are more important things in life than rules and regulations, and the most important things aren't really things at all."

"Thank you sir, I'll keep that in mind."

I should have listened more carefully to the doctor, for it was indeed my loss. In the tent, Jake was lying on cot, white bandages wrapped all around his chest. A red butterfly of blood was slowly spreading across the pristine white expanse of cloth, making me gasp. I could feel the unwanted prickling sensation of tears forming in the corners of my eyes, but I dashed them away angrily.

He was still alive, I could tell, but only barely. His breath was coming in short, ragged gasps, and his eyes were flittering madly behind closed eyelids. The scent of blood, disinfectants, and gunpowder was strong, and I tried to resist the urge to retch.

"Jake…" I whispered, pulling a chair beside him and sitting down. I reached out gently and touched his hand. It was colder than usual, which startled me.

"Nina?" he whispered, his voice hoarse and soft. He opened his eyes tried to sit up, but his wounds wouldn't allow it. He flopped back down on the bed with a disgruntled sigh.

"It's me." I answered stupidly, still staring at the red stain. It was spreading faster now, and that, combined with his even shallower breathing, was beginning to really scare me.

"I guess…I should go ahead and thank you," He said, forcing out the words. I could tell it was hurting him.

"Why? Can't we just have dinner together somewhere after we get back?" I desperately replied, trying not to think that he might not be going back-that he wasn't going back.

"Nina." He spoke more sharply now. "I'm not going to make it, and we both know it."

"What do you mean?" I cried, "Don't give up, please! Try something! Anything! They can send you back to the hospital in Meindert, and you can get better help! Just don't leave us! We need you, Jake! I need you."

"Aw, Nina…" he broke off, grimacing. Apparently talking wasn't good for his wound. "…Nina, you'll be fine! They'll all be fine, they'll have you to lead them, won't they?"

"I don't know how to do that! They need you; you're the one that's kept us all alive! I'm just a nobody from a small town in the middle of nowhere! I can't keep them alive! I don't know how! I don't know anything!"

Jake chuckled painfully, "Don't be stupid, Nina! You know more about how people act and think than I do! You know how to appease angry soldiers, keep up morale, heal broken hearts-you're the only person I'd trust this squad to! And you know you've got a loyal group anyway, they'll help you! If anything, you'll be better at this than I am."

"But…I'll miss you." I said, choking back a sob. "I'll miss you, Jacob! I don't want you to die! I promised I'd protect you, I promised you!"

"Nina," Jake's eyes widened with shock. "Don't tell me that you…"

"You…just…don't leave me, Jacob!" I couldn't fight the tears this time, and they were stinging my face, undoubtedly leaving angry red tracks of dirt and salt down my face, "Don't…leave."

"Nina, I'd have to eventually anyway." Jake replied sensibly.

"No you wouldn't! You wouldn't have to leave! Let them send you to a big hospital! Let them send you away, let them sew you up!" I was practically screaming at him now, rage mixing with my grief. I wasn't quite sure whom the rage was directed at, though. Him, me, the enemy, the people who send us out to this God-forsaken battlefield in the first place, the people who didn't save him, or maybe all of us. Couldn't there be another solution? Could there ever be peace?

"Nina, they can't do anything. No one can." His voice quavered on the last word, and I realized that he was close to tears himself.

"But…" I calmed down then, for his sake. "But…it was my duty to protect you-it's in the rules…"

Jake grinned suddenly. "Darling, we've played by someone else's rules for far too long,"

He gingerly lifted my hand, which had been resting on his without my notice, and pressed it to his lips. "Get away from this battlefield as soon as possible, Nina," he whispered, "Don't waste your life. I don't care what you do. Just go out there and live for me. Live for us. I love you, Nina. You know that, right?"

"I know," I replied, and as soon as I said it, I knew it was true.

"Good," he said, his voice trailing off, "Don't forget."

He shuddered suddenly, then lay completely still, not even breathing. A trickle of blood ran out the corner of his mouth. He had died. Jake was dead.

The concept was ungraspable. I sat there for a moment, half-expecting him to sit up laughing and yell "Gotcha!" or something. It couldn't be true. How could Jacob, the most alive person I had ever known, die?
    Eventually, it settled into my mind that he wasn't going to magically come back. Magic wasn't real. Not now, not ever. 
    I retrieved my hand from his, and without caring who saw, leaned down and kissed him full on the lips. They were still warm, which I guess was to be expected. He had only been dead a few minutes. I then stood up and walked out, trying to act completely unaffected.

   Of course, Atherford immediately saw through my charade. He walked up to me as soon as I left the tent, noticed the tear tracks down my face, and pulled me into a tight embrace, "He's dead, isn't he?"

   I nodded into his chest, and without meaning to, began to cry. "How, " I sobbed, "Why?"

   "I don't know, Nina," Atherford answered, his own voice thick with grief. I looked up at him discreetly and realized he was crying, too. "I just don't know."
-
We will never forget. 
-
And with this, his story ends.
And with this, mine begins.
-
"And Nina?"
"Yes, sir?"
"I think we should go now."
"Yes, sir. It's time to go."

   Our assignment is, as always, to write a true and faithful narrative of every interesting event that happened to us during our summer break. I’ve always wondered why teachers can’t be more creative. Do they honestly think half of what those kids say is true? And we teenagers aren’t going to tell our teachers the most important things that happened during the time we weren’t in school. What have you ever done to gain our trust?

   I despise this assignment, but I’d like even less to have my summer, word for word, transcribed and broadcasted to the public. Yet, I have to do this, or I’ll fail this assignment, which will drag down my average. Then, I won’t be accepted by a good college, and I won’t get that fast-track career I’d always wanted. So I’ll spend the my entire life working at the local fast food chain, hoping to marry rich. I’d probably be cheated on by my husband, who would then abuse me and kick me out of our trailer. I’d move in with a drug addict friend, and wind up in prison, wondering where I went wrong, tracing it all back to my refusal to do that one English assignment in tenth grade.

   So, I’ve decided to take the one sane course of action that you’d never expect. I’m going to be completely truthful. While other girls tell of their trips to Disney World, days spent lounging at the beach, and church camps, I’m going to tell you my story. One hundred percent truthfully.

Well, almost.

the light fall from those eyes,
and I've seen the truth fall from that smile,
but I've seen those eyes shine,
but that's when you weren't mine.

Well, this is a blog dedicated to my writing.
Which basically means, it's going to be
The (Almost) Completely True Story
of
How I Could've Been
[But Totally Wasn't]
Kissed this Summer.
(my novela)
and other random filler crap when I don't feel like updating for a while.
My other blog will now be mainly book reviews, random life stories,
and of course my beautiful banners.
Feel free to leave me comments here, of course,
I love knowing what people think about my stories.
<3