SUMMARY OF MY LAST  YEAR ON THE COMPUTER                                 
                                                                           
   I NOW HAVE TO:::..............                                          
                                                                           
I have to scrub the top of every can I open.                              
                                                                           
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the  1,387,258Th time.     
                                                                           
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are  sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.                            
                                                                           
I  no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.               
                                                                           
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.                                          
                                                                           
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a  hot day                                                     
                                                                           
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I  forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.                                                                  
                                                                           
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.                                                            
                                                                           
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.      
                                                                           
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these  products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .       
                                                                           
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.     
                                                                           
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.                                                                     
                                                                           
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.                                                  
                                                                           
   I  no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.                                                
                                                                           
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al  Qaeda in  disguise.                                                       
                                                                           
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.                                    
                                                                           
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a  number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan                                                            
                                                                           
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.                                                             
                                                                           
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.                                                            
                                                                           
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a  criminal waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.                                 
                                                                           
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!                                                                
                                                                           
If you don't send this e-mail to  at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with  diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels  will infest your back,  causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this  will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door  neighbor's  ex-mother-in law's second husband's cousin's beautician...                
                                                                           
Have a wonderful day....