I am in VA now visiting friends and family while my husband is out of town.  Good grief do we miss him!

I have been thinking and praying and musing and wondering and worrying and mulling over the fact that I seem to have an anger issue with my first son.   How painful that is to see in print- to realize how often I get angry at him and talk to him in a less-than gracious, nurturing tone, and how I live in regret of those moments. 
It is interesting to go back through the generations of my family and realize the legacy of anger that we have passed through to each other and the knowledge of this being an ongoing issue has spurred me to prayers of desperation to put an end to it.  By the sheer grace of God I have been able to "control" my frustration, but parenting a strong willed child with ADHD and other diagnoses from BP disorder to Mood disorder not otherwise specified, to regulatory issues, often pushes me into realms of discomfort and fear that are painful to manage. 
Bug is an incredible child.  He is exceptionally bright, very sensitive, curious, strong, and absloluetly breathtakingly adorable (Ok, so i'm his mom and I tend to favor those blueberry colored eyes and dirty blonde hair!)  He is also hyper, impulsive, occasionally violent, frustrated, and not a good sleeper.
I think as most moms do, I have a tendency to get frustrated with him when my agenda is derailed.  In our family- this most often happens at night time.  My nights often go something like this:
put the baby down for bed- easy as pie!  he's eager for his bed and snuggles in quickly and quietly.
Turn my sites on Bug.  Start the wind-down process with pj's a snack, books, songs, prayers and then lights out.  Close the door, and go to relax my pregnant body to prepare for the next day. 
Within 3 minutes he is out of his room.  I tell him to get back to bed and not to get out again or there will be consequences.  I mumble a prayer under my breath as I calmly tuck him in again.  This process is often repeated 5-10 more times over the course of the next hour.  Each time there are consequences that I am praying will deter him from coming out again- I implement everything from spanking to privelege revocation.  At this point, being without my husband, I start to get frustrated.  Growing a baby, so I've heard, is equivilent to running a marathon DAILY and so my tired swelling body longs for the comfort of my bed.  I know that Bug has yet to settle down so i just get ready for bed and lay down either to read or watch TV until i know he is asleep and therefore safe.   On a regular basis I fall asleep waiting to hear that he has either stopped appearing in the hallway or that he has stopped bouncing off of the walls in his room.  I don't mind him being awake as long as he stays put- often that is the crux of the battle!  At this point, is is usually anywhere from 10-12 at night. We had started this process at 8:30.  I am annoyed, getting more and more frustrated and more and more tired and getting absolutely paranoid that his shrieks (either of joy or sadness depending on the day) will awaken my youngest.  This is when the anger sets in.  I am desperate to sleep, full of fear because none of my parenting "techniques" have produced anything vaguely resembling obedience, and feeling very out of control of the actions of my 4 year old son.  The son who should heed my commands, and obey my creeds- especially after 3 hours of hearing them! 
Many times I fall asleep duing this process- and many times he appears under my bed.  On top of the fact that this scares me awake-realizing that anything alive larger than a spider is crawling around under your bed is a frightening experience- I am also now fearful of the fact that i have been asleep while he has been potentially wandering around the house unsupervised! 
I start, or continue to get mad.  I pull him out from the bed march him back to his room all the while grinding my teeth, and telling him firmly to go to sleep, that i am tired of this, that i am upset that he has disobeyed again and that I am not happy.  I plop him in bed.  Choke back the scream of frustration, then turn to squeak out- stay in your bed and do not get up again!!
Ah yes.  The power of peace, serenity and grace. YEAH RIGHT!  I go back to bed straining my ears to hear the opening of his door, and hearing the crying of rejection because my son's sweet mama- ME has once again succumbed to my flesh and indulged myself to speak harshly and with ice. 
I lay in bed sad at yet another interaction between my most favorite big kid ever and I and beg God to take away the anger, replace it with mercy and to please help me understand how to get his attention.

SO! there you have it.  I write this because it happened yet again last night.  Here at my parents house the boys and I are sharing a room, and Bug was taking great pleasure in trying to wake his brother.  We moved to a seperate bedroom.  I hissed through my teeth GO TO SLEEP- knowing in my more logical part of my brain that no person eagerly settles down deep into their blankets, takes a long soothing breath and closes their eyes into peaceful slumber after being commanded by an annoyed, tired woman to GO TO SLEEP.  And yet- the power of self.  I continue with the huffing and sighing, somehow down deep thinking that the release of the frustration will make me feel better and possibly even cajole my son into the behavior that I so desire.
what a crock of lunacy.

And so. 

I had a good day with him.  It is almost time for bed, and I am praying for the extended patience to deal with him peacefully and lovingly no matter how long he takes to settle down.  I am pondering why I respond this way- why I am still so selfish that the draw of my own bed and the repeated denial of sleep is enough to bring me to talk to my son in a manner that if I heard spouted out of another human directed towards him I would go to battle in his defense. 

GOD help me to be like you.  Help me to have wisdom in the moment of frustration to know how to respond to my child who is made differently than me.  Help me to be a source of comfort and peace to my children- a vessel of water that runs deep, and pure.  And God, please forgive me for my selfishness and my frustration as I give into my flesh and indulge that part of me that desires control.  Be with my son Lord, and protect him from my past responses.  Thank you that he loves me and feels safe with me.  I know I have so far to go Lord, purify my heart..
 

Posted by writmm

I will be praying for you. I don't know a parent alive, who hasn't said things to their children or gotten angry after prolonged trying situations like you are describing. Don't be so hard on yourself, you certainly have a lot of issues you are trying to deal with. May God bless you with peace and wisdom. Give yourself a hug.

Posted by writmm

I am glad you enjoyed the turtle post. Turtles have never particularly attractedmy attention, but we have really enjoyed having Igor here and I have learned a lot about turtles in general. Today we are watching a BBC show Walking With Dinosaurs. Very interesting. CGI makes these types of documentaries so interesting.

You are right, God's grace is sufficient. My biggest problem is I try to fix everything by myself (though I know better). It is a lesson I have to keep relearning over and over again...You know when you think about the times we tell our children the same thing over and over again and then you look at the times that God has to do the same for us...he probably gets every bit of frustrated as we do.