• Apr. 25, 2008
The extreme dictatorship of doorknobs
It has been forever and a day since the last time I blogged. In that time, my life has been turned completely upside-down and then shaken for good measure. Yes, and as the good James Bond would say, it definitely has been "shaken, not stirred." While I won't bore you with every little detail, I will say that my daughter Tara has moved out to be an independent young woman (much to my dismay at her timing.) I will also tell you that no less than 4 days after Tara informed us that she was moving out, our landlord informed us that we had 30 days to find a new place to live (with our family of 9...errrr...8.) He had sold his house, but had gotten less than he hoped and felt he did not have enough to buy another place and so wanted to move back into the house he was renting to us. The hunt was on and we found another place to live, packed up and moved. This all happened since March 1 (two weeks of which I was also dreadfully sick.) We are only now just beginning to settle out a bit, although I still can't find the box with all my shoes. From that intro I will now segue into the body of this post.
The house that we now live in was built in 1961 and I don't believe anyone on the face of this earth has done a single thing to update a single part of it since that date. And oh, it's just so much fun (uh, NOT) to learn all the little ins and outs of a new dwelling place. Last night I had the total and complete joy of being locked in the bathroom. Now, if I'd been in there all by myself and had a great big soaking tub with bubbles, candles, mood music and a glass of wine (or even grape juice, preferably of the sparkling variety), I really could have made the best of it, but unfortunately, that didn't happen to be the situation.
Before we moved in, a couple of us got stuck in that bathroom. The doorknob was really hard to turn and it had to be totally to the left to release the little thingy that goes into the door jamb. It was noted by a number of us that the doorknob needed to be changed. My darling husband put that on "the list." Well, as of yesterday, it didn't matter *how* far you turned that knob, it wasn't letting anyone out. The door became its own master and keeper of the universe (at least the universe of
I tried valiantly, yet vainly to get the door open. Considering my options at this point, I knew there was absolutely no way that I was going to haul myself and a baby out of the tiny window to get out of the bathroom. I called for Josh to come and try. He couldn't do it. Of course my dear husband and oldest son were at (of all places!) Home Depot getting stuff to fix the *other* bathroom. I needed a macho-man type super-hero to just bust the door down for me and yet, the two strongest people in the family were nowhere to be found to release me. Rachel came and tried, but she couldn't do it either. I told them to get a hammer and just beat the doorknob off. They beat and banged and pounded with all their might. It was at that moment that I'm sure I heard the same strangely wicked laughter that Josh had heard earlier. That doorknob just didn't want to come off. Why should it? After all, it was in complete control of the little universe known as "The Blue Bathroom."
Finally, with a combined effort, great clatter, and a dent in the hardwood flooring, Rachel and Josh were able to knock off the doorknob on their side of the door. BUT, we still couldn't get the door open. By now, Lily's bathwater is getting lukewarm and her little toes looked like raisins (which she nervously pointed out to me.) I tried to pull off the part of the doorknob on my side of the door, but it wouldn't come off. And again, why should it? This doorknob was just not going down without the fight of its shiny, brass-plated life! I had no tools in the bathroom, so I told Rachel to get a big screwdriver and begin to hammer it into the heart of the doorknob mechanism to try to knock off the part on my side of the door. It would have been easier to hammer a silver spike into the heart of dracula.
That doorknob really missed its calling. It should have been used to protect Fort Knox. Rachel beat and banged and pounded, pounded, banged and beat, but that doorknob would not come off. I told her to bang harder. Lily kept looking at me saying, "Bang. Bang." Yep baby, we are just plain stuck. Stuck in the universe of "The Blue Bathroom" that time forgot, held in by the maniacal dictator of the doorknob realm. I didn't even have a diaper in there with me to put on the baby. So, she stayed in the tub. The water was getting cooler. It might as well have been an episode from the Twilight Zone. How much time really was passing by on the outside of that door? Would I be released only to find that my family had aged by 20 years? Would I become known to all as Shellie Van Winkle?
I told Rachel to give the doorknob another go and she was *finally* able to get the part on my side to come off. You'd have thought that was the end of the story, right? Well if so, you'd have thought wrong! The inside mechanism was just stuck fast into the door jamb. More wicked laughter. I STILL could not get out. Blasted doorknob dictator!! I told the kids to call Dad. I thought about having them call the fire department, but resisted the urge. I finally took Lily out of the tub and wrapped her in a big towel. As she sat on my lap, we could see Rachel through the doorknob wormhole. It was like gazing into another world. She used the hammer and screwdriver again and beat and banged and pounded. "Bang. Bang," said Lily. There were other descriptive words that I was thinking, and Bang, Bang were not them! That stinking mechanism just would not relinquish its control over us!! Rachel used the screwdriver to try to pry it out. No go.
They (whoever "they" are) certainly don't make hardware like this anymore! The wicked doorknob dictator was hanging on to the last vestiges of power it possibly could in "The Blue Bathroom"universe. Finally, she attempted to use the claw of the hammer to try to pry it out. It messed up the outside of the door, but didn't do much to the mechanism. I told her to keep trying. I was starting to get more than a little annoyed about being so stuck in the black hole universe known as "The Blue Bathroom." Finally, Rachel was able to get it close enough to her side that by her pulling it and me kind of pushing it, we were able to break off a little piece and then painstakingly pick apart the mechanism out of the doorknob hole. And we did have to pick it out, literally, piece by piece. As we did that, I could have sworn I heard it screaming out in the fashion of the Wicked Witch of the West as Dorothy doused her with a bucket of water. Oh, what a world.
What an adventure. We had finally overcome the tyrannical rule of the doorknob master and had broken through the black hole from "The Blue Bathroom" universe. I was more than relieved to find that as I walked through that forbidden portal, my family truly had not aged the twenty years I feared, but a mere twenty minutes (give or take.) As I so often reflect after a family adventure such as this (of which we seem to be in no short supply) I so cannot believe that my last name is NOT Murphy!! If it's going to happen, it's going to happen to us!
In closing, I must tell you that now we have blue painter's tape covering the hole in the door for the doorknob. Currently, we all like it like that. We feel the need to exercise the greatest care in re-establishing the rule of a new doorknob master. As you well know, it is for times like these that Revolutions are fought and won. None of us care to be sucked through the black hole again for another round in the universe of "The Blue Bathroom." And so, it may be awhile before we put a new doorknob back in that door!! But, like I said, right now, we all like it like that!
Comments
• Apr. 26, 2008
Untitled Comment
Posted by Arby
It is good to see you back, door knobs and all!
• May. 10, 2008
Thanks for sharing...
Posted by PBHeartSchool
Thanks for sharing both the agony of the actual 20 minutes, and the humor you have found in it now that it's over. A masterful, witty description!
Now, back to my messy kitchen....
God bless,
Lori.
• Dec. 31, 2008
Untitled Comment
Posted by keldaris
Now THAT was a good story! I am glad you knocked the dictator down and can now feel safe in your blue bathroom.
~Darlene
• Jan. 23, 2009
Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
would love to see a picture of that!
Brenda @ thetiethatbindsus.blogspot.com
