But we had a little party tonight as

a/ Daddy doesn't like to wait when he's bought presents

and

b/ we're planning to spend his birthday with auntie, uncle and the cousins tomorrow on his actual birthday and didn't want to bring along his presents and then forget them there...

Si was oh so patient today as everyone got a chance to go out shopping, as he was asked to wait in the basement as things got lugged in, as children whispered and ran to my room to wrap little packages...

That's the kind of boy he is.  We played the longest game of Settlers of Catan (me and my two big boys!), and FINALLY it ended and we could have dinner, and then... presents!

We sat Si on the couch and started presenting the presents one at a time, but apparently there was a miscommunication.  Ulysses plopped down next to him and started ripping open "his" present.  "I got a Bwan!  New!  BOOOOOK!"  he bellowed, as he saw Waldo's cute little stripey shirt...

"I am openin' it for SILAS..." he assured us with his wounded pride.  "It is for mmmmmmmm... Silas."  "Where's MY Present!"...

Anyway, Silas was very pleased with all his treats (including his babybel cheese and his "cheese sampler in the round", which was one of the things he asked for.  "Bring me a selection of your finest meats and cheeses!" - he could be a medieval king...)

We could not find a whoopie cushion, which was disappointing, but he loved the punching bag T bought him, and especially his little red gloves that fit him perfectly...  I foresee a lot of boxing practice coming down the pike... T has hung the bag down  in our home gym already...

Hard to believe Si is already nine... 

Tonight's workout included one thirteen year old boy going hard at his little brother's new punching bag, and one completely unnaturally pleased 11 year old girl who was just so happy to be awake and included...

TABATAs - this time to my favourite tabata mixes :)

rows

pushups

situps

squats

Tabatas, in case i haven't explained before, involve short, concentrated bursts of exercise.

We have four "mixes" that are each four minutes long - each consist of one slow song and one fast song, with intervals of twenty seconds fast, ten seconds slow music.  When the music is slow, we rest for those ten seconds, and when the fast music comes back on, we work hard for twenty seconds - tonight we did a circuit, so switched exercises every time, but a lot of times we'll do one exercise four times in a row, and only switch with each new song...

Anyway, i worked hard, but apparently we need to put a weight vest on Haven :)...   "That wasn't so bad!" she assures me...

O Canada

we stand on guard for thee.

Stand on guard against what?  hmmm... well, intolerance i guess.  Intolerance of homosexuality, that is.  Or those prolife people.  They're so intolerant.  Or those people who don't think Al Qaeda operatives should be allowed to immigrate here.  They're so intolerant.

Or taxpayers who have to foot the bill for the one third of children whose mothers "choose" to abort.  They should quit their whining and be more tolerant.  Or the Christian groups who don't want to rent out their churches for gay marriage.  How intolerant.  Who cares what their Bible says?  The Human Rights Commission says it doesn't matter, and that's better than any of their fake religion. We made it up ourselves.  Or those dumb one income families.  Of course they should pay more taxes.  They're so selfish and intolerant to have one person stay home all the time.  We can't afford it - it's impossible.  So nobody should be allowed to.  Tax them to death!

Besides, slaves shouldn't have opinions.  And that's what Canada is.  A nation of slaves.

So, sure we'll go out and get free candy for the children, maybe.  But to celebrate Canada Day is to celebrate mediocrity, coercion, paternalistic apartheid of our native people, religious intolerance and persecution and the enslavement of the middle class and the virtuous.

Happy Canada Day!

This was honestly a very weak try at having our last homeschool day.  No Latin, no fiddling, no Bible time or memory work, popcorn for lunch.  yay mom. (my children are indignant and insist this means i am a *great* mom...)

But on the upside, T was home in good time and the summer has officially begun!

Boston Pizza for dinner, much lazing about and reading our respective novels, while Naya pokes at and charms the workmen working on our neighbour's house until i peel her away...

And then all are trundled off to bed, except for Wyatt, who lately is Daddy's tennis partner and is bugging me to come play him (just because he's heard T tell me, several times, in front of Wyatt, how "he's SO MUCH better than you are!"...   NO, my feelings aren't hurt.  I know i'm not a powerhouse Venus Williams :) actually, the tennis racket feels huge and heavy and ungainly, and i can never get to the right place in time, and if i actually connect with the ball, that's a huge triumph, even if i can't get it over the net.  So T is over the moon to have a son who can actually play the game with him.  And i'm happy for him, if a little tiny bit jealous at being told, over and over how bad i am and how good Wy is... but c'est la vie i guess..

So Wyatt now gets included in our workout times - tonight it was Deck of Death, (clubs are abs, hearts are chinups/rows, spades are pushups/bench and diamonds are squats)... with Matisyahu's "Drown in the Now" blaring... and then up here to post my workout and price out Wyatt's allowance dreams on ebay... too rich for his blood tonight... and then fill his tummy with milk, protein powder and a little bag of chips leftover from Dad's school's vending machine (if you ever wondered what principals do with all the leftovers and all the lost and found items - check my pantry and dressers...)

Tonight i'll finish my novel (Canticle for Leibowitz - i'm liking it!) - and look forward to weeks and weeks of T...

I've posted pretty honestly about where we're at with church, and it's embarassing to feel like i'm always going to be a complainer... but i think i'm getting to the crux of my problem.  and yes, it is my problem...

But first a picture of my two little honeys (well, two of seven, two who got up early to get ready for church with mama as i had to be there early today - I grabbed Haven on the way out of the door, brandishing her hairbrush and promising to be ready by the time we got there, and T walked the rest down in the torrrential rain (sorry T!) and was a teedle bit late...

Anyway, i'm realizing that my problem with church isn't really a problem with church - it's a problem with me, and the fear of man.  I want people to like me.  I want to fit in.  But i've come too far to compromise now.  For me, a very black and white thinker, any bit of compromise and i might as well  just give up.  It's a curse and a gift.

So Sunday School doesn't work for me.  And I have a horror of sitting in the nursery for any more years - thirteen years is long enough, don't you think?  It just doesn't work for me.  At all.  But that's okay, right?  Because if i just said it aloud and didn't worry about hurting people's feelings, they would get over it and quit trying to bribe my children with candy to Funland on the one day we're getting together with "church family".

You see, that's kind of how i've been feeling.  That we have one day to get together with other Christians, and worship together, and learn together, and instead my children are basically bribed to be bad, and taken away to learn to hate sitting in church (your mileage may vary!  Sunday school can be a boon to a lot of parents - but i need mine to learn to sit still in church so our at home Bible time can go smoothly...  This is what is important to me at this point in my life.)  If i went to my mom's house and every time, she had lined up a babysitter i'd never met who would talk about the deep things of life with my children, i would resent her too, and i would end up not going very much.  Love me, love my kids, type of thing i guess...

But when i'm not totally beaten down by life, winter, snow, i think "maybe i can just struggle past this".

How about membership?  We're just not member people.  I don't mind joining groups - i just joined Kids First this week - (www.kidsfirstcanada.org) - i agree with their statements, reading list, aims.  There's not a lot of extraneous things there that i have to weed out.  It's pretty cut and dried.  Church membership and different denominational priorities are not that cut and dried, and i'd rather not sign a document i can't endorse whole heartedly.

But that's not a problem is it? 

What i realized today is that as flawed as church can be, there is something good there too.  Something that, despite feeling oftentimes harried, hassled, misunderstood, gives me an idea of belonging to a great community of believers in a way that internet or books can't.  Flawed human beings in my town.  None of whom thinks the same way as i do.  But united in love for God, expressing it in the way He has called them to.

I'm for freedom in a lot of ways, and i know i will be misunderstood in the days to come because of that.  But today i helped play for worship with a young teen drummer, an older male songleader, an energetic tambourine lady, and many hearty voices.  A mom who is all done raising her five children saw us stealing out instead of staying for the potluck afterwards, and i cringed a little, but she said "You need to do what's right for your family!  I learned that too late!" and telling me what a great family i had...

I need to remember how that felt, and be that lady.  And to do that, i need to be there...

Today we got up, had waffles (T's favourite on his days off) and packed into "Big Blue" for a day of adventure.  We decided to go to Miette, to do the Sulphur Ridge hike -

http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=3125

It looks like, from this website that it's supposed to be about 2.5 hours one way, and we did pretty good, then - as we finished the hike in 5 hours - counting a little break right before the last push to drink and have some snacks. 

the weather was threatening rain, but none came.  It did make it perfect for hiking though, as no one was overheated, and we had brought jackets for once we got to the top of the hike.  I carried babe Meow most of the time in the ergo,

and T carried baby Uly (who weighs over 40 lbs), and although Anaia has hiked this before, she had a hard time, so I carried her for a bit in the ergo, too and then T ended up carrying her on his shoulders (she weighs about 54 lbs and he had on Uly and the heavy pack, too...)... 

Babe Meow ended up being carried by her big sister and brother every so often - sometimes because i had  Anaia, sometimes just because she's cute and they dote on her...

and Si pitched in and helped carry other people's backpacks who were helping...

 Luther helped with his cheerful grin and comments the whole time

- it was a family team effort!

And so worth the effort once we got to the top!

By the time we got back down to the bottom, my knees were shaking uncontrollably and my back was completely drenched as was the ergo, from sweat - i suppose this means it will be out of commission tomorrow while i wash...  But the littles were cheerful and we got some treats on the way home, and T made dinner while i uploaded picture to facebook :)...

What a perfect day!

Tonight's workout:

(doesn't take too much time)

Sets of pushups, followed by chinups

10 of each, 9 of each, 8 of each, 7 of each, 6 of each, 5 of each, 4 of each, 3 of each, 2 of each, 1 of each...

and - done!

T hurt his calf trying to run again, so we're inside working out and i swear that man was trying to distract me something awful - bruised up his collarbone, kept asking me questions while i was working out.  But he's still downstairs and i'm done and up here, blogging... so maybe that's why...  naughty guy!

i get a magazine called Plain Truth - that has a column called "He told me to remind you" - and that's what i've got today...

so consider this your reminder...

Be joyful always

Pray continually

Give thanks in all circumstances

For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I've got this song running through my head - it's my favourite kids cd right now (i am loyal to these cds :) - a few years at a time...http://www.worshipmusic.com/883727000528.html

Travis keeps thinking we should include the children in our workout time... I keep plumping for separate workouts - where i can be the calm, cool matron, yelling out the orders to my sweaty little children... As it is, everytime we exercise all together, *someone* (okay, it's Babe Meow) poops their pants, and someone (usually Babe Meow) is pawing at my shirt, trying to get some num nums...

But tonight we did it all together... Nine people packed into our basement gym, music roaring, many  people high fiving after every exercise, baby prancing and hopping as good as a 15 month old can, imitating squats, sit ups, pushups and trying to do rows on low bars...

I have to admit, it was kind of fun :)...

We did the "Deck of Death" - Silas says it should be called the Deck of Sweat...  In this lower picture, please do not think that Luther is benching 225 lbs - he is just pulling himself up doing rows on the bar :)...

Fun night!

A sweet, passionate internet girlfriend has a link in her signature line that asked me that question - Is Adoption Really a Christian Duty? 

The link was https://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/382078.aspx  if you want to read the whole article.

Basically, it was saying because there is so much poverty, disease, tragedy, Christian families should remember that adoption is mentioned in the Bible.

Now, I've been thinking about this, and maybe my thinking differs from a lot of what's out there, mainly due to my friend Lindsay, who is also a homeschooling mom of many little children, but who also, as a teenager, had a baby out of wedlock and felt forced to give her baby up for adoption...

Thinking through this article, and having thought for a long time about Lindsay's situation, I think i've come to what, for me, is the crux of the issue.

In James 1:27
 the Bible tells us "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

(Which kind of makes me wonder why most churches are more about self perpetuation and franchising than about widows and orphans and purity...)

God also assures us in Jeremiah 49:11
Leave your orphans; I will protect their lives. Your widows too can trust in me."

And i think He is talking about His own supernatural provision and protection as well as His hands and feet here on earth, His people, whom He has taught all through the Bible, such as in  Exodus 22:22
"Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan."  As well as shown through numerous stories how His eye is on widows and women in vulnerable situations, such as Hagar, Tamar, Dinah, Rahab, Ruth and her mother in law, Naomi, Elijah's widow friend etc etc...

But i wonder sometimes when the "church" starts pushing adoption, are they even on the same page? 

Madonna (the celebrity) has adopted two children from Africa - and here is the point i want to make.  Both of the children she has adopted (David and Mercy) already had parents and families in their own country.  They were not orphans. 

When Christians emulate the world in adopting these children out of what we see to be hard circumstances, we may be blessing underprivileged children - but we are also taking the one thing of value that their own family still has.  Not only that, we are doing it with a spirit of "here, i'll take that burden from you".  Instead of crying that our heart has coveted something beyond value and of inestimable worth.  Instead of helping the family itself, and enabling them to care for their own children.

Orphans - YES!  We should adopt!  If there are children with no mother, father, or family - what a blessing to be brought into a family where they will be taken care of and loved and find significance as a member of a family.  But to steal someone else's child, even if we think we are "helping"... may be more cruel than to leave them where they are.

When i had my first child, my mom said to me "Don't expect me to babysit".  Which was bizarre, because the literally *last* thing on my mind was ever getting a babysitter - i was soooo excited to be pregnant, and when he finally was out of my womb, i didn't want to let him out of my sight for a minute.  I didn't want to miss a second of his babyhood (to the point where i was severely sleep deprived!) - But i asked my mom "what do you mean?" and she told me "I wouldn't want to take that from you."

I've felt that way before.  I've been asked to do daycare for little boys whose mom really did need to work - and i helped out for a little while - but it felt wrong to me to "help" her by caring for her children, when a true loving response would have been to help her find a way to stay at home with them.  They needed their own mom so bad.  And all little children need their own mom so bad.

Children are a treasure, far more valuable than gold or dollars, or stocks.  They are riches.  When i see my little brood of seven beautiful, healthy children, spreading out around the lake, exclaiming to themselves, i feel like Cornelia,

One day a lady from Campa’nia called upon Corne’lia, the mother of the Gracchi, and after showing her jewels, requested in return to see those belonging to the famous mother-in-law of Africanus. Cornelia sent for her two sons, and said to the lady, “These are my jewels, in which alone I delight.”

E. Cobham Brewer 1810–1897. Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. 1898

Poor mothers as well as rich ones, take delight in their children, and adoption is only a Christian duty when the children are true orphans...  Charity can mean taking in children in desperate circumstances, but to embrace wholeheartedly the collection and repatriation of children from the poor to the rich is not what is referred to the the Bible, and can't be called a Christian duty...

tonight's workout

20 minutes

do as many sets in 20 minutes of

5 chinups ,

10 pushups, and

15 situps

I did seven sets in 20 minutes - i think T did 16?

Mommy modifications: I used 2 loops of surgical tubing - looped around the top of our chin machine - i step into the loops and it gives me a little boost so i'm not quite pulling all my weight - but i'll work up to it again - my baby sister Paige can do chinups now and has the most lovely round little biceps... kind of makes me want to give up and just award her the trophy :) but i will keep on keepin' on...)

and modification #2 - i have been doing real situps lately (for the first time in my life i think!) but i noticed that my abdominal diastasis was opening up a little again, so for the 3rd and all subsequent sets, i did the "organs in place" exercise from TTapp, and then did the abdominal diastasis curls (which basically, you just pull the sides of the ab muscles together to the middle while you do little curls...)

Now T is getting me a treat, and i'm going to finish that homeschool portfolio, just as soon as i find the last errant page protectors in the house - i've used up every single one i had... and i don't want to buy more!

In case anyone is wondering, that angel nightlight?  Made it through a whole week in Anaia's room before it got broken... I'm hoping i can fix it, but she is still trying trying trying to be good.

Yesterday she noticed the trash can in the bathroom was full - so she ran, on her own initiative, got a big plastic garbage bag, and tried to fill it.  But she is only four, and it didn't work so great.  So she dropped the bag, left the garbage all over the floor  for me to find once i finished changing baby's diaper...   I wasn't too happy, and when Anaia saw me heave a big sigh, she ran to her room, crying, saying "Why do *I* have to be the bad girl?  Why!  WHY!  WHY!"...

We have had some good talks lately about listening to the Holy Spirit, making good choices, and about how God *promises* that if *anyone* lacks wisdom, they can ask Him, and HE will give LIBERALLY, WITHOUT finding fault.  A sad little girl, sucking her thumb on my lap, was greatly comforted with that thought.  He's not mad at her for needing wisdom, and He promises to help her if she asks...

Today she had a great day - i put her down for a nap at the same time as Babe Meow, and put Uly down at the same time, too.  What a difference in temperaments!  Uly i told once (he's 3) - he trundled to his little bottom bunk, saying "OKay, mama", climbed in and cuddled up.  Anaia - argue argue argue, all the way upstairs, till i smooched and smoothed her in good, and left the room.  Then, because i am the mama, i sat on my bed facing her bedroom door while i nursed babe Meow down for her nap.  The first time she opened it without a care, didn't see me, ran back for her stuffed kitty, then pranced out... only to stop stock still when she saw me watching her steadily... "But MOM...."  Two of those - then baby went to sleep and i tucked her in and snuck down the stairs.  Uly and Anaia both got a half hour, and babe Meow only a little more, since Wyatt didn't know she was sleeping in there and went into my room to work on his novel... but still, it was a Good Thing, as Martha Stewart would say, to have a little peace reigning over my house for a little while...  I think all the biggies heaved a little sigh of pleasure to have that quiet descend...

And then Uly went outside with all the other children, and babe Meow stolidly stomped after them, and crawled backwards over the sliding glass door sill - a couple of minutes later, Uly rushed in, face flushed and the volume at 10 - and yelled "MOm!  Mimi almost falleded down!  But i held her LIKE AN ANGEL and she is okay!"  and ran out again...

Now i know, the way the Bible describes angels they are big warrior things that scare the pants off everyone - but maybe that just makes the picture all the more accurate...

I've been feeling really blessed lately - like it's my birthday or something - because people keep sending me things (or links to things) i want on the internet, for free...

but first, my workout of the day

Deck of Death

tonight felt like we spent the whole time doing pushups.  Funny how you can do the exact same cards over and over, but every time it feels like a completely different workout.

Also funny how working out with your 13 year old son in addition to your husband makes you try just a little harder :) - i'm the only one not doing real chinups...  I will work up to it again. But maybe not till this fall - can't make me wear shoes! (T says it makes him work out harder, too - Wy just has so much energy!)

Anyway, here are some awesome links i came across this week...

a study guide (900+ pages) for the Book of Virtues - my children love these stories, and this is a way to emphasize character for them next year...

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/ShiverAcademy/Book%2Bof%2BVirtues/

 and some Free wE-ebooks :) from This Old Schoolhouse

http://www.thehomeschoolmagazine.com/so-weBooks/JuneBooks.html

two ebooks (if you sub to their email list, they will send you links to free ebooks every month!)

Don't Rush God

and

The Great Books

I'm really heavily into researching homeschooling again right now.  Funny, it's been nine years now, but i am still learning.  I think teaching one new child added in every other year, and one new grade every year keeps me on my toes.  Not to mention puberty, high school, learning styles, different gifts... it all adds up to a challenge!  But a great kind!  I'm also starting up music lessons again with my littles to see if a different *framework* would work better to keep them (and me, mostly) on track...  if we do well over the summer, i might keep teaching them myself for a bit longer...  On the fence...

Tonight i am hoping to print out a ton of pictures and assemble my porfolio for the year - and if i don't do that (i am tired, sticky, stinky and utterly exhausted!) - then i will settle for a quick shower, an exacto knife, Barb Shelton's Homeschool Form+u+la book, and a binder...  When i read her suggestion to take apart the book, i kind of shuddered - i just paid 33$ for this and she wants me to take it apart?!  But i am seeing that it might be the best idea overall, if i want to scan/use/adapt her forms to my own use.  And after a little consultation with my "teenager", i think we will use some of her materials/methods...  Adapt, adopt... trying to keep up!

These are the great years, i think... All my childhood and teenage years i couldn't wait to be a grown up, and now that i am - it is just as awesome and awe inspiring as i thought it would be... I love getting to be the mom, love my little people - am amazed how kind God was to give me the man He did... 

I am sitting at the computer, printing out picture after picture.  I mean, a few representative samples of our homeschool year, to put in our end of the year portfolio. 

Why do i try to do this?  I always have these big ambitious ideas, and then give up when it turns out not to be perfect.  Well, this time i am biting perfectionism in the bud and it's just plain not going to be perfect.  But it's gonna be fun!  I just almost am finished reading Barb Shelton's Homeschool Form+u+la book and now i'm a little paranoid about throwing anything out, but i'm still gonna try :)

tonight's workout - this time with THREE participants (which was a little squeezy in our homegym, but it went fine - Wy is big enough to join us now i guess..)

Tabatas - we used a different music mix that just had someone's favourite workout tunes, with windows sounds to cue the rest times etc.  It completely did not work for me.  Half of the time i thought there was a cue when it was just the music, and then a song would end in mid-set.  Not my favourite at all....

but good to have it done.  Got some sun at the beach in Jasper today, and it feels like another weekend well spent...

i love my husband.

not just because he takes me out for pop and ice cream runs, and fills me in on all the goings on of the town, but because he takes me downstairs after the little in their beds, and we work out.

tonight was deck of death again - he hurt his leg running last night (so our run was half a run, half a walk - either way it's nice to be with him, but i was relieved to get my limping man back to the house)... anyway, we picked exercises he could do, and put on The Ultimate Fighter.  I don't find it helps me work out, but it seems to motivate T...

Finish up our workout, the boys have music on their stereo too loud, NayNay is still popping out of bed, being verbally chastened by her sister for trying to climb up into the top bunk, baby is sleeping like a tiny perfect dolly in our room, oblivious to the party surrounding her..

I am still recovering from my homeschool convention odyssey, and i've got a lot to sit and ponder now, with the books i bought, the notes i took, the online recordings :) (hooray!), plus just the comedown of having been for four days with only my baby, my two little nephews, my sisters and my parents.  It was so strange to be in that configuration, to not have my husband there, and all my other children - to be able to just connect with my parents and my sisters...  It was actually pretty relaxing and a real blessing to me to get away and be there with them, even if logistically it was sometimes a big task...

 (thanks mom and dad for coming!  thanks jessie and paige for making the trek with me to BC!)

Right now i am just reveling in being back in my own home.  This morning was kind of wild and overwhelming and noisy, and then i took tiny dolly upstairs for her nap, started nursing her, and everyone else ran outside to play in the back, and the house was completely, utterly still.  Time to just be able to pray and hear His voice and be in His presence.

Then back downstairs, facing the herculean task of chores, catching up on laundry, moving around furniture (again!), making notes of things that need to be done, grocery staples we need to pick up...  the daily grind.  Good stuff.  Necessary stuff... Back to real life.

I am packing up diapers, frustrated with only finding one diaper pin (i bought two dozen, didn't i?  But they are perfect for capes, these nice metal locking head pins, and they disappear fast.... Still... can't i have two?).  Find the diaper cream, pack the ditty bag, wipes, liners, counting out diapers from the diaper bin as two little girls keep interrupting my count with "mama?  Mama?" 

One more little thing to tell me.  One more thought that hadn't occured to them until i was here, kneeling in their dusky bedroom, feeling the fresh breeze blow in through their window, and hearing the teenagers outside calling to each other.

I can't believe i am going.  It's only three sleeps.  But i wrote on both sides of the paper, individual notes to each one, emergency numbers to call, just in case.  I know Daddy won't do things the same way i do, so i leave a lot unsaid.  He can do it his way.  I hope when i get back he falls on my neck saying "How do you do it?".  Sobbing. 

This has been a great year, but it's seemed to pass at breakneck speed.  Usually my neck breaking.  I kept forgetting to delegate, to shift the load a little bit to my brood of helpers.  Now i am packing up everything i need, everything baby needs, for four days/three nights.  Trying to anticipate what i might need.  Should i bring laundry detergent just in case i need to do a load?  Or hobble through the airport with a great big too big suitcase, stroller, and the cutest baby in the world?

Can i do this?  Really?

I will find out.

"You want this?" 

My sister is sitting with me on her laundry room floor, pulling box after box of hand me downs out and offering me the pick of the litter...

I love her taste in clothes and i'd rather wear her hand me downs than go buy something that i know won't suit me, fit me, or that i will hate in one day anyway... I'm just not gifted in the shopping area...

But what she's holding up now isn't clothes.  It's white and clear, plasticky.  Molded, melted shape, with metal at one end.

Then she turns it right side up.  It's a huge night light, of an angel, brooding...

I take it, not really knowing why.

The next night, i am out grocery shopping and i pick up a new bulb.  That night, we are tucking the children in and i remember the night light.  All of the sudden,  i realize why i said yes.

"Naya, do you think this angel nightlight would remind you to obey, and not come out of your room?"

"Yes mama!" she nods enthusiastically.

Angels obey God and little girls need to obey their mothers...

We plug it in, turn it on - the light is more than enough to assuage any fears a little girl might have in the darkness.  Even a little girl who needs to pretend never to be afraid so her big brother will still read aloud to her, from his big boy books...

For two nights now, she's been asleep, and stayed asleep and in her room...

Long may it last!

http://network.nationalpost.com/np/blogs/fullcomment/archive/2009/06/03/george-jonas-where-killers-and-abortionists-meet.aspx

This article this morning had my heart in my mouth.  As i read, it was as if, finally, in Canada, in a newspaper, someone *got* what i feel.  I'm not alone.  I'm not seeing the situation wrong.  I can't talk myself into a lie.

I commented on this article:

Dear Mr. Jonas
You made me weep today.
I can't know your heart, and i'm sure you can't know mine, but you expressed it so perfectly, even as you denied being in my tribe.
I am the one who stays up nights, burning with shame that our tax money is killing children.  Wondering if we should look at moving to Poland, to Northern Ireland, to New Brunswick.
Where can we be free of involuntary collusion in murder.
Because this is what it is.
I have been pregnant eight times, and have seven beautiful healthy children, and one little peony bush planted in honor of the one who would have made that number eight.
She didn't live long enough to be born, but we gave her a name anyway (Charis, Greek for grace - for God was gracious to us to let us be her parents even for the short time we had, and gracious to us in our grief when she was lost to us forever.)
I have such a hard time knowing women my age, women of childbearing years, women who have looked at the pregnancy test to see two lines, who have felt that first swelling of their abdomen and wondered if they were "showing", who thought about names, and felt vulnerable for maybe the first time in their feminist lives.  Careful, cutting out alcohol, smoking, fatty foods.  Starting to recycle, filling the dresser drawers with onesies, tiny sleepers, even before that fateful trip to the hospital, returning hours later completely changed, with complete responsibility for a little one.  A responsibility so huge it seemed impossible that the hospital could have let her take that little one home.
To know these women, and that their hearts have been at one time, utterly soft to the humanity of what was within her, and yet so very hard to other women's children who are brutally rejected and unwanted.
I want to make a sign on my house "I will take your children"
I want to leave a basket on my porch when i go to bed.
I don't know how to help, i don't know how to change the world.
I don't want my children to grow up among a brutal tribe, degenerating into Stone Age violence, comfortable with double talk and comfortable lies.
My religion says we are all born with original sin.
But my Bible says protect the fatherless, the innocent.
And my country makes this impossible.

thank you for understanding my heart and for stitching up, so deftly, the threads that hang in the back of my mind whenever i read the newspaper or magazine articles about abortion or Tiller specifically.
How can i be sorry he's dead, when so many are saved?  Does this mean i support murder?  no.  But i am happy he's gone.
i struggle with this.