I'm sure a gazillion people love to read about me blabbing on about nothing. BUT that's beside the point.  Well. RJ is off at Spidey Hall right now practicing his loverly singing so I suppose I'll type about absolutely nothing until he beeps me.  So I'm like sorta in the big fight with Austin right now.  He was asking me all this personal questions about RJ and got all mad when I told him I didn't want to answer them.  Then he wouldn't shut up so I told him what he wanted to here just so he'd leave me alone.  Now he's accusing me of lying to him and he's all hurt.  Boys.  I swear.  Sometimes they're more emotional than I am.  I just don't understand why for once in his life he can't be happy for me about RJ.  He knows every detail about what happened with Darren (Sheryl's big mouth not mine).  I know that half of my problem is that I have a really hard time trusting people especially boys.  I've had to fight to the bitter end to get where I am today and I'll continue to fight seeing as that's the only thing I really know how to do.  The only people I really trust is my parents, my sister, and Tessa.  I'm really sorry I can't say that I trust Sheryl.  But she did take away the one guy that I really wanted.  As time goes by,  I'm getting the impression that she was responsible for what happened with Darren than she let on.  

   Okay, honestly I only kissed Darren one time.  You can't even count the number of times that she kissed Darren on two hands.  She went over to his house all the time with out telling me or asking me.  I wouldn't even find out unless something happened that she had to tell me that he did to her.  I'm not mad at Darren anymore.  I just have a scar now.    

okay so yeah.  i've actually seen RJ in person since the last time I've posted anything. he makes me happy. and i can't wait to see him again.  he's not darren. never will be. i don't even know what to say.  yay. the only problems i have now a days is...missing him.  but i live. so no fear. all i had to say was. that he's not darren.  and i thank god for that every day.

Yeah well.  I'm actually better than i've been in like the past two years right now.  I have a wee crush on RJ...haha. But he's really sweet.  We've talked about getting together and we've decided to wait and see what happens between us before we get in over our heads or something.  This time I'm not going to rush anything.  I have faith that if anything is suppose to happen it will in time.  I trust him.  When the time is right we'll be together.  I'm pretty much over Darren.  Well. As much as I probably ever will be.  Learning to deal with that too.  I now have EXGFIP (Ex girlfriend inferiority powers) with him which I am using strongly to my abilities. Haha. I'm so evil.  But hey.  I get use to it! I'll never regret Darren.  If what happened never did then I wouldn't have ever thought twice about RJ.  I suppose it is true when they say that something happen when you least expect it.  And for me, that was the truth. 

   So there you have it.  It has offically been one whole year since my world with Darren started falling apart.  I really didn't even think about it until Sunday night when it all happened last year.  I still stings a little bit, but I'll live.  I've learned that I don't need him that bad anyway.  I still miss him terribly, but I feel like that person I miss was one built around lies and secrets.  I don't really even know him anymore.  He's dead to me.  It hurts us both less if I think of it like that.  

    I'm really pooped out still from camping, but I can't wait until Thursday.  And RJ is going to be at his dad's house two 12 more days.  When I get to see RJ maybe I'll finally decided how I feel about him.  He's one of the good things that has come from Darren I suppose. 

   Anyway, it's time to finish letting Darren go even though I'll always hold on to what we had.  So here is the last picture I'll ever take with him.

Goodbye.

http://img528.imageshack.us/my.php?image=lastpx4.jpg" target="_blank">http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/624/lastpx4.th.jpg" border="0" alt="Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us" />

   So there you have it.  It has offically been one whole year since my world with Darren started falling apart.  I really didn't even think about it until Sunday night when it all happened last year.  I still stings a little bit, but I'll live.  I've learned that I don't need him that bad anyway.  I still miss him terribly, but I feel like that person I miss was one built around lies and secrets.  I don't really even know him anymore.  He's dead to me.  It hurts us both less if I think of it like that.  

    I'm really pooped out still from camping, but I can't wait until Thursday.  And RJ is going to be at his dad's house two 12 more days.  When I get to see RJ maybe I'll finally decided how I feel about him.  He's one of the good things that has come from Darren I suppose. 

   Anyway, it's time to finish letting Darren go even though I'll always hold on to what we had.  So here is the last picture I'll ever take with him.

Goodbye.

http://img528.imageshack.us/my.php?image=lastpx4.jpg" target="_blank">http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/624/lastpx4.th.jpg" border="0" alt="Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us" />

Well, I'm ready to start Eluminatus really bad.  I've been suffering from lack of Journalism withdraws.  Anyway,  I'm kinda bored.  He ignored me Sunday.  That's fine.  I'm a better player at the game than he is.  So buckle up because here we go.

Okay, whoever wrote that annoymous entry...yeah.  Whatever. I never said that I liked RJ or was giving my heart to him.  He's just a friend and that's there for me EVERY time I need.  Darren is the only guy I've ever given my heart to...and it'll probably be that way for a while.  I'm so tired of people telling me what to do, what not to do, where to go, what to think, where to hide.  I'm capable of taking care of myself.  I've known Darren all my life and we'll work through this together as friends.  I have faith in him.  Maybe I'm crazy.  I don't know.  After everything he did happened and it came out into the open,  nobody even wanted me to talk to him.  I can't do that to him...or me.  I really am just ready to drop this whole thing a move on with it.  I haven't been happy in a really LONG time.  RJ has helped me be happy.  And I thank God for him everyday.  I just want people to stop questioning my motives.  I love Darren, because he's one of my best friends.  He's my Buppie.  No matter what he does or did.  I'll never lose hope or faith in him, because then who would have any hope or faith in me. 

Well...I read one of my friends blogs.  And I feel like I'm going to puke. BUT ANYWAY!  School started which really sucks.  Darren is trying his best to make letting him go impossible.  His hair has grown back long again which is one of my many weakness' with him, but that's not all.  He's just evil.  I feel for him though.  He expects me to be around the day when he's finally clean and right, but I dunno if I'll be around that day or not.  I'll be there as a friend to celebrate and rejoice with him, but not as anything more.  (even though this really guilty bad voice in my head still really wants him cause he's so darn hot)  BUT I don't like him.  Anymore....Ever since I went to the NSLC convention this boy named RJ has been calling me everynight.  He sings "goodnight sweetheart well it's time to go"  every night to me before I go to bed.  Now I can't even sleep without him singing that to me.  Which is horrible.  He lives in Stockbridge which is our only problem.  He's really really great.  So great he actually listens to me whine, cry, moan, gripe, and groan about Darren.  Then he sings me another silly song in this really high pitch voice to make me laugh.  Too bad Darren couldn't be RJ.  Just for one day of my life. 

Things I did this summer:   

I finally got my driver's license.  Go me! 

I went to Las Vegas.  Yeah Boi!

I spent a whole week at a convention with public schoolers..which wasn't that different...

I flew on an airplane four time...so be proud...because i'm scared of planes

I went to Washington DC

I turned 16....finally

I got my heart broken

   So right now things are really wierd, because of well yeah.  Darren is still too ashamed of himself to even look at me.  Every thinks I'm crazy for still wanting to be his friend.  He's going through a real tough time and he needs me...I saw him for the first time since everything happened last Wednesday night.  I won't lie...I lost it and started crying in class.  I had to get up and go to the bathroom to compose myself.  I'm feeling so many emotions right now that I'm so confused and don't know what to do.  I really need friends right now, because I'm at a point now where I've never been.  I've only know life with Darren for the past two years and now I don't know what life even is.

   Well what we thought would be the summer of Miranda and Darren obvisiously didn't work like planned.  I'm not going to go into details, but we are taking a 'break' as he called it to protect me from him.  I understand why we aren't together and right now I'm okay with that, but I'm dreading Sunday.  I always wondered why I wasn't ever good enough for Darren, but Darren was right.  I was always to good for him.

   On my vacation to Childhaven and Washington DC, I had the single most bestest greatest ever day with guy that treated me like I deserved.  I won't lie.  I don't have the greatest self esteem and it made it worse when I felt like I wasn't good enough for Darren. Anyway, this guy helped me realize that I didn't need Darren to feel good about myself.  He told me that I had the face of an angel.  Do you know how off guard that caught me. Me?  Good looking? What? Darren never told me anything remotely like that. Anyway to avoid suspense any longer, I'd like you to meet Jake:

   I was really upset about Darren and what he had done to cause our breakup, but God sent me someone to help me realize that I'm good on my own.  Jake reached out for my hand.  I didn't have to reach for his.  He made the moves not me.  He played the guy.  I played the girl. 

    I understand that Darren was trying to protect me, but if he had just told me everything up front we wouldn't be in this situation.  With Darren, I always felt so lost and confused with what was going on between us.  I knew he had a secret that he wasn't telling me and he knew that I knew what he was doing.  It's so hard to not hate him after everything he's done to me and my best friend.  I don't hate him, I just hate what he did.  He needs help and he's getting it.  He needs prayers too, because this addiction isn't only in the flesh, but it's spiritual too.

   Thursday night was the first night in forever that I felt alive again.  It was like I was invincable that with Jake holding my hand I could get through whatever was coming.  In a wierd way, Jake was my saving grace this past week.  He put that smile back on my face and made me happy when everything else made me want to cry.  He's the first guy I've been around that I didn't compare to Darren even though he is alot like him.  I had so much fun with him.  He bought me a drink.  No guy has ever bought me anything.  He was everything in one night that Darren never gave me in two years. 

    I know that since Jake lives in Alabama I can't carry on that boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but hey...we'll always have that Braves game, right?  I've never known what it was like to have a real boyfriend because all the guys I've liked before treated me like crap.

    I'm going to be 16 in a few days and I'm ready to have a boyfriend that is willing to be and do what Jake did for me that one night.  I think I know who that person is, but I'm not going to play the guy anymore.  If it's meant to be than, God will find a way right? 

     No matter what I'll always have the Braves game.  Won't we, Jake?

  So finally it looks like things with Darren and I are going to be okay.  I finally worked up the guts to tell him it was either now or never.  So after church I pulled him off to the side after his boneheaded brothers spent the whole service making wise cracks and trying to shove things down the back of my shirt.  I told him that I had made my driver's test appointment.  Then I told him that I was ending this awkward chapter of me and him.  I said that it was up to him to either a) shut the book and put it on the shelf and we'll be friends or b) To turn the page and start a new chapter.  He didn't hesistate to long before he said, "I think I'll turn the next page and write the first sentence.  What are you doing next Sunday?"  I just about fell over dead.  So June 4 I'm going to the movies with him...yeet yeet! Go me!  I'm so happy I could cry.

   So yes sorry guys but I have a boyfriend! Yay!  It only took me two years to catch him though. ha. And for all you nutters who said that he'd never go with me or said I was stupid for liking him or said I could do it...BAM!  I did it and now you look like an idiot for once instead of me.  Hehehaaaaaaa!  He's mine..mine...all mine! 

    It was so cute because before he left he gave me a hug and peck me on the forehead and said in a stupid voice ,' bye hun'.  Haha.  It really funny because I always wondered what it felt like and how he'd act.  And now I actually know.  I finish school tommorrow, but Darren doesn't until Friday. Haha.  But....HELLO SUMMER OF MIRANDA AND DARREN BABY!  Yeet Yeet!

   So enlight of events from this past Sunday, I have come to the conclusion that I have two options left in life:

               1)  Become the crazy cat lady that scares all the little kids who lives in the old beat up house at the end of the street.

               2) Become a nun for eternity

Seeing as I am highly allergic to cats, I can't see living with option one for the rest of my natural life.   So I will be a nun.  This will not only benefit my mental health, but the male population of the WORLD seeing as I'm never satisfied and I'm ruining people lives by dragging them into stuff.  Of course, I'll be a very liberal nun, because black is such a boring color.  My robe thingy is going to be bright pink.  I mean come on...I'm not dead yet.  I'm also not planning to wear that silly little thing that goes on your head.  That is just blah and my scalp would like to breathe.  However, I will still continue to listen to my devilish secular music that is looked upon by most mothers in our church.  And hey...if the priest is cute..why not, right? Oh God, I can't even be a nun!  I'm doomed to the depths of the singleton life for eternity.

Oh I got a new cell phone too.  It's a nextel...not the one I wanted...not even the one I wanted after the one that I wanted...but this one... Oh well...it's a phone and I can talk so suck it.  My number is: 770-274-9386...ha I have a phone number...Of course I'll be a singleton so I won't have very many thrilling convos on it.

Ahh...my new favorite motto is:  Life doesn't stink...It's the people in it.

Life never stinks for me.  There's more going on than I can control. Gotta love it.  Ha.  You haven't seen crazy yet. Because this is just one of my quote on quote love lives.

Oh yeah. Cailyn now thinks that it is me who broke her and Mike up.  She's telling everyone that I should be afraid of her...She's 4'9....I'm shaking out of terror. Ha.  That's just what you get for making a move on my boyfriend.  So learn your lesson...DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=6522b5f7c690e636d324f" target="_blank">http://www.onetruemedia.com/media/3/269f7b7bbd32ba54/6d4e14482cf7156f_thumb.jpg" border="0" alt="View this video montage created at One True Media" title="View this video montage created at One True Media" >
Miranda

~ The song is suppose to be "Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor, but it's not on this one. Sorry!

    These are the times I wish I could either a) drive by myself or b) had a boyfriend that could take me somewhere.  Ha. I like option b) best because then I wouldn't have to pay for it. Ha. Ha. Haaaa. Not funny. See just like I said...I'm waiting in anticipation for my Sunday bliss.  Sadly, I'll only be in heavenly bliss for two hours...which sucks seeing as I spend whatever 24 x 6 is hours waiting for those two hours.  Not quite a fair bargain, huh?

    I know that I blab alot about Darren/boyfriends alot, but this silly thing is the only thing that won't tell me to shut up when they get tired of hearing it.  Since Sheryl moved last October, I don't have anyone to talk to.  I miss her so much.  I swear it's like every memory I have is either with my family or with her...mostly her.  This year is the 12th year of us!  Of course, that wasn't always easy.  Because in year 11, it got really rough before she moved.  I suppose at first I was more mad at Darren, because I needed Sheryl's shoulder to cry on more than I needed to be mad at her. 

      Gosh, I'll never forget that morning she told me that.  The night before we had been playing spin the bottle with me, Sheryl, Taylor, and Darren.  My dad made me go to bed.  I went to sleep and woke up to a living nightmare.  I was trodding up to the bathhouse still half asleep when her and Tessa grab me saying they need to tell me something mucho important.  So I was like whatever, what is it?  (Sheryl has a tendency to over-dramatize things...it's in our blood being drama geeks and all)  She told me and you know what my reaction was...I walked away laughing my head off.  That is was my self defense mechinizism. Brilliant, eh?

      So anyway, I walked off laughing and I laughed merrily all the way to the pavillion to get my breakfast.  I sat by my mom and she gave me a cup of OJ and a piece of bacon.  I took a bite of the piece of bacon and gagged it back up.  I turned around, laid my head on my mom's shoulder, and started to ball.  Leave it to the stupid fatty bacon to make me cry.  It totally sunk in what she had done. What he had done. What had just happened.  I got up and walked around the truck towards the camper.  Sheryl saw me crying and ran over.  She grabbed my shoulders and was saying something...I couldn't hear her over the thoughts in my mind and the sobbing...and I didn't look at her...because just over her shoulder Darren was standing in the middle of the road looking at me.  I don't think I'll ever forget that look on his face.  It was so blank.  My knees gave up and Sheryl caught me and we stumbled into the camper.  And let me tell you by this time, I was one hot mess! haha!

    She finally got my calm and then it was time for church.  So we go out to the pavillion for church and everyone's there except for Darren.  Mr. Andrew (his dad) drags him out of the tent.  He sits on the picnic table in front of me.  It was really funny because he kept looking back at me and smiling.  I wanted to smack him so hard. Heck, I still wouldn't mind smacking him.  Then the communion came around and they told us to say one word to describe God.  Darren got his first and said, "Forgiveness".  Oh lordy, talk about me having to suck it back.  It got to me, he turned around, and I said, "Forgiveness".  And then I lost it again in front of everyone.  I spent the entire church time snorting and sniffing.  He's never made a mention of that again except for one time.  There's more to the story, but it's hard enough on me just to tell that part even nine months after the fact.

     I suppose that maybe some of my problem with Darren is that I need to get answers and discuss it with him instead of letting that wound still bleed.  I suppose that is why I'm so protective of him just like when Cailyn sat in his lap.  (Ha. We all know how I handled that)  I'm afraid of losing him again, because I've already lost him once.  I just wish he'd understand, but I don't know how to show him anymore.  He's as hard headed as I am.  The conversations that Edward and I have...I just wish I could have one of those with him.  Oh yeah, Edward, you tickled me when you said I'm something to be desired...haha..I wish...

      Phillip (his brother) said that he's very protective of me, but I just don't know...it'd be nice if I could actually see that...maybe he is and I'm the blind one. Who knows? 

      I went to the AVE today which was jolly ole funny...somewhat...I saw Levi today too...probably the highlight of my day...ha....ha...uhhhh....yeah...I'm so bored!!!  I hate being stuck at home on WEEKENDS!!!!!!!!! 

haha...sometimes they can't see what's right under their nose...but most of the time I can't either so it's all fair!  I suppose...anyway...I swear no guy calls my house unless they're looking for my dad or they want Sheryl's number...what can you do?  But that's okay...I hate talking on the phone to boys.  If you're Sheryl or Tessa though...I'll talk your ear off.

So tonight, Cody is suppose to give me my All American Reject concert shirt she got at their concert last Sunday.  I'm totally jealous, but at least I got a shirt.  I think I'll wear it tommorrow...oh yes..even better...I get the new SLVR L7 phone..TOMMORROW!  Yippe! hehe I'm so excited. 

Mike is grounded because he made a 42 in math which not only sucks for him, but for me because I can't call him for like the next month.  Maybe I'll resort to good ole snail mail! haha...imagine that.

Oh yes, I also found out that Cailyn thinks that Darren is the one who ratted her out to Mike because he was trying to 'protect' me...Stupid? VERY.  I swear she got dropped on the head as a baby.  I haven't seen her in two weeks and let me tell you it's been HEAVEN!  Thank you God!  I think that she is the only person on this planet that I just really do not like.  And it's very hard to make me not like you.  She just pushed that one button and the button is stuck.  Oh well...don't really care.

Okay to address Darren...I'm waiting to see what happens Sunday.  I know that I'm going to 'talk' talk to him before school gets out, but I'm dreading that.  So once again, I'm going with the flow without a paddle.  I really need to do something this weekend. ha.

    Grr...right now it is raining in Miranda's world, but the forcast for the upcoming week looks a wee bit better.  I was in Tennessee all weekend and we drove home Sunday which means no church.  Good thing? Negative.  No Darren.  I miss him. He's just so stupid and he can make me laugh.  I suppose my problem at this particular momment is that I'm wanting more from him that he is either a) willing or b) able to give me.  Anyway, Darren is actually the least of my troubles at this particular momment.  (I like the word particular at this momment now it seems also)  This other guy is my problem.  In reality, it doesn't seem like a problem whatsoever, but of course in my world...it's like a nuclear bomb just dropped.  I think I'm starting to fall for him.  Boo.  For the past TWO years, Darren has been the ONLY boy in my dreams, but now HE is.  The sucky part is...I don't really mind.  I've turned down or pushed away a grand total of five poor guys who told me that they really liked me and wanted me to be their girlfriend.  I've turned down all five, because they weren't Darren.  They weren't stupid and couldn't make me happy like Darren.  What I'm going to do I don't because I'm still prefectly happy with Darren and he's still my knight in shining armor.

I've offically decided how I feel about Darren:

      I don't like liking him, but I love loving him!

  I've never in my long brutual history of boys have every told a single one that I loved them.  I'm not saying I love Darren, but I do have feelings for him that I've never had for any other guy.  I'm going to leave it at that.  In our relation, I'm usually the one to try or say things first.  I just suppose that I believe he should be the one to tell me he loves me first.  Anyway, I'm only 15 so yeah.  I'm in no big hurry.

  Anywho, I was really mad at him this past week because I thought he was using me as a little trophy to show off just like Jordan *pukes in mouth* did.  So I was all mad at him Sunday morning during church and so he was trying to make me happy even though he didn't know I was mad at him.  It's impossible to be mad at him for long when he's beside you doing the stupidest things to make you smile.

  Anyway, he wasn't quite acting himself Sunday.  Our public relationship is very PG and zero PDA (public displays of affection), but that was until yesterday.  He gave me a total of FOUR front squeezing the life out of me hugs.  Now that may seem very normal to you, but for Darren it is highly unusual.  We have to cover up alot because his two brothers like to nit pick every little thing.  So we try not to give them a reason to bug us.  But the even more significant thing was all four of those hugs was witnessed by one of his six family members and not a word was said...odd...EXTREMELY.  Ryan (his older brother) has been making cracks about us dating and even getting married...haha...ya right.

  I'm not going to be in town Friday through Sunday...so it'll be two weeks before I see him...I really hope I don't die.  I can't wait for this summer though. Because it'll be just me and HIM!! Yay! 

   But I feel kinda bad...because there is this one guy that I shouldn't even be considering...but I just can't get him out of my head.

   ~Miranda

Memory Cemetery

There's a hidden place

Where dead secrets and feelings lie

The memory cemetery is where they go when they die





Some have been lovingly buried

While others are carelessly tossed aside as burdens carried

The Memory Cemetery is where love and pain are married





They are a cold six feet under

The painful ones have a thick sod cover

The Memory Cemetery is where they'll eternally slumber





They will never see the light of day again

This lonely, shaded place is where they end

The Memory Cemetery is a bittersweet, lost friend





In the far northern corner lie the borken hearts

Each one viciously ripped apart

The Memory Cemetery will allow a fresh, new start





Here lie tattered souls resting in peace

Here they can reside where the world can see

The Memory Cemetery is a heavenly place to me