Chapter 1

Eyes to See and Ears to Hear

Having eyes, do you not see? And having ears, do you not hear? And do you not remember?

Mark 8:18

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1

We . . . shall assure our heart before Him, in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.

1 John 3:19–20

I


can't believe it!" "How could I have been so blind?" "How
can I ever forgive myself for letting such a thing go on? I left my child so vulnerable!" "Where was I? How could I have failed
to see?"

Questions such as these have arisen from the bleeding and bewildered hearts of thousands of parents who have just discovered that their child, who they felt had been so safe in their love, nurture, and protection, has been sexually molested by one they trusted. There are no simple answers that can instantly take away the pain.

Dealing With Self-Condemnation

As parents or loved ones of an abused child, we must begin by dealing with our own self-condemnation for our failure to be what we so desperately wanted to be and overcome the need to punish ourselves by wallowing in the misery of "what-ifs" and "if-onlys." It is a fact that Jesus bears our grief and carries our sorrows (Isa. 53:4), but we have to release to Him the burden of our woundedness, anger, and hate. The first step is to choose to forgive ourselves. With the support and, if needed, the coaching of a prayer partner or prayer minister, we should pray, confessing both our feelings and our faith:

Lord, I am overwhelmed by my grief. My heart condemns me for my failure to protect my child. I don't know what to do; it seems like the whole world is crashing in on me, and I'm spinning in confusion. O God, I need some answers! I know that in You there is no condemnation at all. I don't know how to forgive myself, but by an act of my will I make that choice. And I choose to trust You to deal with my heart and set me free from condemning self-accusation or any other way in which I might punish myself.

The prayer minister or prayer partner needs to respond, strongly affirming:

Thank You, Lord, that You weep with and for Your children. You have heard this prayer, and Your heart is full of compassion. Thank You for Your forgiveness, love, and healing balm that You are pouring into this wounded and repentant heart right now. (Person's name), in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, you are forgiven. Receive that forgiveness. Lord, lift off the weight of guilt. Bring all thoughts and feelings of condemnation to death on Your cross. Quiet the inner storms, and comfort (person's name) in this time of fear. Lord, we stand together in the strength of Your Spirit and choose to put our trust in You. We invite You to take charge of us and every aspect of this difficult situation we face. Let us do all things in Your wisdom, according to Your grace, love, and power.

Following the prayer, we need to walk in a continual discipline of reckoning self-accusation and condemnation as dead on the cross each time we recognize that we are beginning to entertain such thoughts and feelings. If we do not, the process of healing stops. Each time we can say to the Lord, "Here I go again, putting myself under guilt. In Your name, Jesus, I renounce that and choose to walk in Your forgiveness." And then go on with whatever tasks we have to do.

Understanding Why We Had No Eyes to See

Beyond choosing to forgive ourselves, we need answers to the question, "How could I have been so blind?"

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is strong, and a man of knowledge increases power.

—Proverbs 24:3–5

The first answer is that we did not want to believe it possible that a trusted friend or loved one, especially a father or stepfather, could have abused our child. If we suspected at all, we probably resisted the idea, feeling guilty that such a thing would even cross our mind. If suspicion persisted, fear of possible consequences of discovering truth overcame our ability to confront the issue. And so we suppressed our thoughts and feelings to the point of total denial. Unwittingly we became literally blind, deaf, and insensitive to reality.

Linda was a lovely, gentle woman whom John and I had known well for many years. Her marriage to Bill was written in tension, dictated by his frequent explosions of violent, unexplainable temper and punctuated by her tearful but persistent and often placating attempts to gather the broken but still workable pieces of their home life together for the sake of their children. Though Bill professed to be a born-again, Spirit-filled Christian, he had fallen into adultery numerous times. He had begged for forgiveness and had declared vehemently on each occasion that he was truly repentant, had learned his lesson, and would never fall again.

Finally, when he was caught seducing a teenage babysitter, Linda recognized that he could never change until he dealt with deep issues in his heart. But he stubbornly avoided taking the initiative to submit himself to a prayer minister, even though friends and family strongly encouraged him to do so. It was not until Linda obtained a legal separation that he relented by agreeing to receive extensive prayer ministry, that being the prerequisite for any thought of reconciliation. John and I had ministered to the two of them from time to time as much as Bill had been able to allow. But we had seen that he was always more interested in patching a quarrel than in truly healing his marriage or transforming his life. Knowing that we were too close to Linda to minister to them with sufficient objectivity, we recommended that they go to a couple we knew who are among the finest counselors available in either the Christian or secular community.

During the ensuing seven months, Bill faced many of the root causes for his insecurities and for his need to defile women. He dealt with a number of basic sources for his anger. His counselors determined that he had progressed far enough to return to his family. For a period of time he was able to manifest the effects of his healing, and Linda for the first time began to celebrate real hope for a stable marriage. It was at this point that Bill decided he could sustain his new life on his own—without counseling or a support group—and the healing process was aborted. He continued to play the role of the new man, making all the right sounds, but allowed no one to relate closely enough to know him or to haul him to account when he began to fall back periodically into former patterns of irritability and temper.

Bill's and Linda's fourteen-year-old daughter, Karen, who had always been a responsible, sensitive, loving child and good student, began to exhibit rebellious, irresponsible behavior. Truancy and unexplained absences from home grew in frequency. Often Linda would arrive home from work to discover that Karen was nowhere to be found. Attempts to enforce discipline elicited angry, defensive outbursts. When anyone invited Karen to talk about her problems, she defiantly rejected every attempt to reach her and retreated into sullen moodiness.

Finally and with great difficulty she came to her mother with a horrible story of sexual abuse. Her father had been molesting her since the time of her parents' separation, which meant that she was being abused all during the time of their counseling and reconciliation!

Shattered, torn, fearful, and confused, Linda confronted her husband. Bill adamantly denied all accusations, claiming that Karen's imagination was running away with her, that she had been unduly influenced by the stories of friends who had been abused. He went on, dramatically playing the role of the injured party. Linda didn't know whom or what to believe. Finally, after repeated questioning, he confessed to having "touched" her "once or twice." As Karen's behavior progressed more and more to the extreme, however, it became evident that he was guilty of much more than he had been willing to confess.

Realization of what had been taking place for years within her home overwhelmed Linda with the force of a tidal wave. She had wanted so desperately to believe that Bill was changing and had so set herself to celebrate every little sign of his improvement that she had shut out the little signals that might otherwise have alerted her to the presence of trouble. Now she had no alternative but to put him out of the home in an effort to protect Karen. If she had not, the state would likely have taken her children from her. She and the children proceeded with family counseling throughout most of the next year and received a great deal of healing from that source as well as through support groups within her church.

Bill received counseling for sexual rehabilitation while serving a term in prison. He and Linda are divorced. She and the children have rebonded, and the Lord is blessing and redeeming their lives as only He can.

Equipping Our Eyes to Recognize Symptoms of Sexual Abuse

A second answer to parental blindness may lie in the simple fact that few people have either the experience or the knowledge that would equip them to identify (in the behavior of their children) the symptoms that commonly result from sexual abuse.

Educating oneself to recognize sexual abuse symptoms "after the fact" might seem to some to be too late and somewhat useless. This is not the case at all. An important part of healing begins as we are enabled to identify in right perspective the painfully mystifying behaviors of our children. As we realize clearly and specifically that their strange, out-of-control, and often hurtful responses proceed from woundedness and fear, we can begin to relate to them easily with tenderness and compassion rather than with frustration and anger. We can seek their forgiveness not only for our failure to protect them but also for many wounds and unbearable pressures we inflicted on them in the blindness of our desperation to rescue them from self-destructive patterns.

Most victims of sexual abuse have worried about themselves and have struggled with feelings of guilt they haven't known how to handle. Children have felt they were "bad"; teenagers have seen the bewilderment and hurt in their mother's eyes and have felt responsible for injury to younger siblings; they may have wanted to stop running, cease punishing, and ask for help but couldn't. An enlightened and empathetic parent can help them to know that their feelings and behavior were normal reactions to the abuse they experienced, that they were not terrible or crazy. A prayer minister can help victims to see these things, but a parent who is an affirming part of the process can lay an effective foundation for reconciliation and rebonding.

An informed parent of an abused child can also help to provide immeasurable encouragement and healing to others who suffer similar heartbreak.

The following lists of symptoms are not intended to be comprehensive or exhaustive. Rather they serve to provide signposts that point to possible abuse. It is important to realize that children who exhibit some of these behaviors might not be victims of abuse but could be acting out other pressures, upsets, and influences in their lives. This information is a composite of John's and my own experiences in prayer ministry that we found confirmed in varieties of written material and in conversations with parents, other prayer ministers, and preschool instructors.

Behavioral Symptoms in Toddlers and Preschool Children

Anxiety in the presence of persons with whom they used to be comfortable; being ill at ease around particular people or types of people; for instance, tense and/or tearful withdrawal from the presence of men and boys

Sudden unaccustomed fear of bathrooms or shower rooms, or nervous resistance to being undressed

Masturbation that exceeds curious exploration and discovery: preoccupation with excessive sexual manipulation or rubbing themselves against chair arms, pillows, dolls, etc.; sex play with other children beyond the normal "playing doctor" games: inserting objects into the ****** or anus, imitating aspects of adult love play. (In some homes pornographic movie scenes will have made disturbing impressions.) One preschool teacher reported that she had observed several children who tended to group together in a corner of the schoolyard playing a game of pulling down one another's pants. On one occasion she discovered a child trying to initiate oral genital stimulation.

Sleeplessness, disturbed sleep, nightmares

Excessive crying, clinging to a parent, not wanting to leave the house, unusually fearful responses to being left with a babysitter

Sudden personality changes: i.e., a normally quiet child becomes hyperactive or negatively aggressive toward other children.

Excessive and chronic itching and/or tenderness in genital areas

Behavioral Symptoms in Children From Primary School Age to Preteens

Decline in consistency and quality of schoolwork: inability to concentrate, assignments not completed, truancy, tardiness, falling grades

Disturbed sleep, nightmarish dreams, inability to sleep; wearing multiple layers of clothing to bed

Decline in energy level due to anxiety, exhaustion, and/or lack of sleep

Fear of being alone with men or boys; avoidance of particular people with whom the child used to be comfortable; withdrawal from friends and activities previously enjoyed

Change in eating habits: nervous or distracted picking at food, compulsive overeating for comfort

In girls: poor personal hygiene in a girl who normally cares about her appearance (attempting to make herself unattractive)

Exaggeration of normal personality traits: i.e., a daydreamer becomes even more out of touch with the world, an energetic child becomes hyperactive, etc.; sudden dramatic swings to opposite personality poles

Invention of irrational excuses not to participate in school or extracurricular activities that formerly inspired enthusiasm

Sudden inordinate modesty, self-consciousness about the body; fear of restrooms and showers

Sudden cessation of conversational sharing

Bed-wetting when it was not a problem previously. A child can be so wounded by sexual abuse that he/she suppresses awareness of sex organs, and thus fails to respond to the body's signals that would normally awaken the one who needs to urinate.

Increasing inability to relate well to peers

Unexplained anger and aggressive behavior

Reluctance to go home after school

Running away: boys tend more to run by withdrawing. Girls tend to literally run away from home.

Behavioral Symptoms in Adolescents

Running: A girl may leave school in the middle of the day to go riding with a friend. She may go to a friend's home, fail to notify her family of her whereabouts, and perhaps spend the night. She may disappear for a number of days, fleeing from the home of one friend to another. When she returns, it is with irrational excuses or often with no excuse at all. When challenged, she "can't remember" what her friend's address is, or she "doesn't have a phone." She may exit by a window in the middle of the night.

She tends to keep company with friends who are several years older than she, and many of the crowd she chooses are dropouts with no responsibility to occupy their time, with no visible parental support or supervision.

She may take with her no change of clothes, no cosmetics, not even a coat for her periodic excursions.

When questioned or confronted, her response is evasive and emphatic: "I'm OK. I can take care of myself."

We have observed such behavior in girls as early as the seventh or eighth grades, intensifying wherever molestation continues to be a threat. Usually the abuser is the father or stepfather, though similar responses may be made to avoid someone in the home who is not that closely related.

The victim may have experienced the initial molestation several years earlier. The first violation inflicted the deepest wounding and established a base of confusion and fear. Subsequent experiences reinforce the wounding, even though the child may have learned to fantasize in an effort to shut them out of her consciousness. If the molestation consisted only of fondling, she may have sensed in her spirit the wrongness and uncleanness of the act, but the one who touched her was Daddy (or some other trusted adult). Children are trained not to say no to adults, especially to their parents. She needed to be loved and affirmed. He represented authority. He said everything was all right. But it didn't feel right. She struggled with conflicting emotions and began to manifest avoidance patterns. She no longer wanted to sit on his lap. She resisted his hugs that earlier she had sought. She no longer wanted her daddy to tuck her in at night. She wanted to sleep with her door closed. If her mother worked, the girl would play at a neighbor's house until she was sure her mother had returned home. These changed patterns develop gradually into more easily recognizable running patterns as she grows to adolescence.

The true reasons for an abused child's behavior are seldom obvious. In the story I shared earlier (Bill, Linda, and Karen), it was easy to attribute Karen's earlier rebellious actions to her father's increasing temper tantrums. Teenagers will not stay around to be yelled at if they can help it! In the best of circumstances, neither do teenagers respond as well to the responsibility of chores, rules, and regulations as they did when they were children. Even well-adjusted teenagers naturally become self-centeredly involved in their own world of activity and forget to come home on time. Unfortunately, Karen's behavior was ascribed to a normal process of individuation aggravated and exaggerated by her father's temperament—until it exploded into frantic rebellion out of all proportion to the known facts of the father's temper and tension in the home.

Drug and alcohol abuse

Inability to sleep: desperate attempts to crowd out anxious thoughts by reading in bed until the early hours of morning; futile attempts to lose self in the sound of loud rock music through earphones; nightmares; exhaustion

Inability to concentrate or stay awake in class; unfinished school assignments; failing grades

Increasing disrespect of authority; intolerance of normal flaws in adult behavior; spasmodic acting out of parental roles, as if to "show them" how they should conduct themselves

Promiscuity

Going to bed fully dressed

Obesity

Pervasive anxiety

Self-mutilation; suicidal talk or attempts

Notifying the Authorities

When a sexual abuser has been identified, he must be reported to the proper authorities. This is not to be understood as taking revenge. In most states it is a requirement of law. It is also a matter of facing facts. Abusers are compulsive and will repeat the crime until the root causes for their propensity to act in such a way have been brought to death on the cross and they have been completely healed. If an abuser is the father or the stepfather of the abused, he must be separated from the home until he has been declared safe by those who are qualified to discern. Even then, he needs continuing supportive counsel until resurrection life in the Lord Jesus Christ has been securely built into the fiber and structure of his being. Let the Christian understand that such wisdom and love are for the abuser's sake as well as for the victim's. "The advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the lives of its possessors" (Eccles. 7:12).

There are undoubtedly hundreds of thousands of cases of childhood sexual abuse that have never been reported. What has happened in the lives of those people? I have seen a great deal of what I call "crippled coping" in many we have ministered to. Some who have sought out ministry were already aware that their present problems were rooted in early experiences of molestation. But a large number have come, having only perplexing symptoms. Suppressed memories then spontaneously surfaced in the prayer ministry process.

The following list from an article titled "Long-Term Effects of Unresolved Sexual Trauma" is a valuable and, for us, a confirming diagnostic guide I wish we had discovered long ago:1

Characteristics of Women Who Were Victims of Childhood Sexual Trauma

Recurrent and intrusive recollections, dreams, or "reliving" of experiences

Generalized anxiety, mistrust, and/or social isolation

Difficulty forming or maintaining nonexploitive intimate relationships

Sexual dysfunction (aversion, anorgasmia [inability to achieve orgasm], vaginismus [******l tightness that can prevent intercourse])

Chronic depression, self-blame, and poor self-esteem

Acute anxiety or depression related to symbolically important life changes or anniversaries

Dissociative features (memory problems, confusion, depersonalization)

Vague somatic complaints without objective findings

Phobic avoidance, often generalized to apparently unrelated situations

Diminished self-protection, masochistic strivings, and repeated victimization

Identity focused on a sense of "badness" and stigmatization

Contempt for women, including themselves

Tendency to fear men yet overvalue and idealize them as well

Tumultuous adolescence (early pregnancy, running away, substance abuse)

Pseudoresponsible, caretaking role applied inflexibly ("parental child")

Passivity and unassertiveness

History of promiscuity or prostitution

Impulsive or self-injurious behavior (suicide attempts, self-mutilation, substance abuse)

Chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (emotional numbing, hyperalertness, etc.)

Inappropriate guilt, underlying resentment

Intergenerational transmission (abusing own children or marrying a man who does)

Defection from family's religion

History of childhood learning problems

In our years of ministry we have observed all of the above characteristics in people who experienced sexual abuse as children. We have also seen that helping women to identify their hurts, understand and express their feelings, and develop ways of coping are only the beginnings of healing.

Fullness of healing is accomplished by the person of the Lord Jesus Christ as He is invited through prayer to enable forgiveness, to transform the inner man, and to do a work of renewal in the mind (Rom. 12:2). Whether diagnosis is made and healing is begun in childhood or many years later, no one has to be consigned to live in a wounded, crippled state forever. "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil. 1:6).

It was a really nice day. I wrote out my schedule last night for today so that it would go smoothly in spite of all the things I had planned and it worked well!  I am really loving this schedule thing,  at least for my upper level of my house. My lower level is sort been ignored, but some day, people!!

Not the most flattering picture, but I went to Tricia Goyer's book signing today at Borders, which was fun!! I got her to sign my copy of Love find's you in Lonesome Prairie Montana before I read it tonight! I will post a full review soon, but I really am enjoying this line of books.  Of course her book the Swiss Courier is another really good one, I really enjoyed and will be posting with the blog tour and review on the 20th.

After the book signing I went over to a  meet the doula's tea, which was nice, but somehow one of the invites said 1-3 and another said 2-4 so some of us were there at 2 and some were there at 1....it worked out though, although we really got to get more expectant moms there. There were two moms there this time, which made it nice! I stopped for a few minutes to chat with some friend's and visit with my sister which was nice before I came home and made homemade pizza pockets to go with the homemade spaghetti sauce I made that morning.

I am tired out, lots of long nights lately with some nasty nightmares, but  days have been good! The older two boys worked with my brother in aw all day today and they are tired out this evening. It is really good for them!

Well, clean boys are put to bed, two of the four Saturday night showers were done and the other two took them last night.  Everyone is clean,  most of the laundry is done, folded and put away, floors did not get washed and the laundry room still needs to be cleaned, but you know, I am happy!!!

Good night!

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Nov. 5, 2009

Beets

It is fairly frequent I hear about someone who hates beets. I have grown up thinking beets are one of the most delightful vegetables so it is hard for me to understand!!

One of our favorites sounds really simple and people wrinkle up their nose, but they taste different this way!
Peel your raw beets, grate on the cheese grater and then melt some butter in a  skillet. Fry on all sides until tender. These are so yummy you will find yourself picking them out of the pan!

Another good way that most people do not know at all, is in this wonderful Chocolate cake. I have used this for birthday cakes as well. It has alot of oil in it, but it makes a very high, fluffy, moist cake. I have cut the oil down in the past and added more beets.  I use cooked beets and I also cut the sugar down!
RED BEET CAKE

1-1/2 c. sugar
5 eggs
1-1/2 c. oil
2-1/4 c. canned or fresh red beets, grated
1/2 c. cocoa
2-1/2 c. + 2 Tbsp. flour
dash salt
2 tsp. vanilla
2-1/4 tsp. baking soda
Cream sugar and eggs.  Add oil, beets, and cocoa.  Mix in flour, salt, vanilla, and baking
soda.  Pour into a 9x13" pan and bake at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes or until
done.
NOTES:
A very good dark chocolate cake.  This is very moist.

Then of course, nothing would be complete in mentioning beets if you did not have some Russian recipes. Borcht is a Russian vegetable soup, which I have not made in forever. It has a grated beet in it..... and has a flavor like no other if you follow the directions to the letter.

RUSSIAN BORSCHT
Start with a pot according to the amount you want to make.
I usually make about 2 gallons so I'll tell you that size.  You can boil a bone to get broth
or add cooked meat and bouillon or you can make it meatless. Fill pan 1/3 full of cubed
potatoes (about 1-1/2" cubes) and fill with water or broth.  Add salt to taste.  Simmer
until potatoes are soft; add 1/2 head cabbage very finely sliced. Meanwhile in a frying
pan brown 1 diced onion
in 1 Tbsp. oil, add 1 grated carrot when onion is yellow, and fry a little.  Add 1 grated
fresh beet or about 5 small canned beets grated. Fry a while. Add 1 small (8 oz.) can
tomato sauce and 1-2 cans water. Simmer about 5 minutes.  Add to large pot. Simmer
about 15 minutes. Add a bay leaf and 2 tsp. dillweed.
Serve with sour cream on top.
NOTES:
Some people also put a little rinsed sauerkraut in instead of some of the cabbage.

Another one is a salad that I like alot. It is sort of a twist on potato salad...
Cooked beets, peeled and cubed about 1 c.
Cooked potatoes, peeled and cubed about 2 c.
Cooked carrots, peeled and cubed about 1 c.
Diced green onion or regular onion 1/4 c.
4 pickles chopped
2 t. oil
salt, pepper and dillweed to taste
 It is really colorful and yummy!

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Nov. 4, 2009

Menu 11/4-11/9

Wednesday: Baked potatoes, maple winter squash, avocado and tomato salad
Thursday: Roasted chicken, carrots and potato bake  
Friday: Roasted chicken soup,  bread
Saturday: Calzones, salad
Sunday: Chicken Enchiladas, salad
Monday: Leftover dinner......unless there is not enough. Potato soup
Tuesday: Taco salad...

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Nov. 3, 2009

Friends

I think sometimes it is easy to think we do not need friends. It is easy to believe we can do it on our own.

I know people who are scared to have friends as  they worry about the influence on their children. I know that even my mom used to tell me, "Friends will come and go, but your brothers and sisters will be there forever." I know there is truth to that, but lately when I look at some of the people that I am still friends with, they were the people that I was  friends with as a child. That may not be terribly common, but I still hear from my friends I grew up with. Because of modern marvels like Facebook, I may even know what they ate for breakfast this morning!!

But when it comes down to when you are struggling through a rough patch, I know whom I can depend on to be a friend. It is the friends that you have known for years, through good times and bad and they still love you and like having you around. It is the ones who can tease you about something you did when you were 12 because they were there too....or know why you reacted to something the way you did, because you have always been that way and they don't judge you.

It is friends that you make too as you get older that are important. Last night I shared a meal with a friend who moved into a new house! She has had so many hard things in her life, yet, we were able to rejoice together about this beautiful new house she has....and I could understand her feelings about it, because I know how she grew up, I knew her parents, and I know friends of the family, those are just something sometimes other people can't get.

I love my family! They are wonderful, but I am so thankful for friends.

“A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17, KJV.

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Nov. 2, 2009

Headaches, school.....things that don't mix

I was trying to do school with the boys this morning with a very bad headache and discovered they simply don't mix.  I  had some aches in my back all day yesterday and I think it prevented me from sleeping well, which in turn meant I woke up happy, but with a headache. "sigh"

So, when you have students that are singing or humming with their work, it is irritating.

I woke up after dreaming I found my lost papers! Never mind that the place I found them in the dream does not exist here, but I was so happy to have found them. My husband though when I woke up and greeted him with " I found the papers!!" and then followed by "Oh, I am not asleep anymore, in the dream...oh well, I did not find the papers!!!" He looked bewildered!!!

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Nov. 2, 2009

Watch over me By Christa Parrish

Watch Over me
By Christa Parrish
Reviewed by Martha Artyomenko

Deputy Benjamin Patil is one to find the infant girl, abandoned in a field, just hours old. She is left in a plastic grocery sack, conjuring up all kinds of imagined or unimagined thoughts of the type of person who would do such a thing. As the police try to find the mother, the deputy and his wife, Abby, take in the baby as a foster child.
Will the baby bring healing to their wounded marriage, or will it open up new or rather, old wounds for the both of them?  Can they choose to  go on and fight for their marriage, or just give up as so many others before them?

My Review:
This book was not a book you want to pick up if you are looking for  a happy, go lucky, fictional story. This story has enough pain in it to be real.  Ben  is a veteran that is suffering from guilt for not saving his friend and is struggling with his marriage now as he closes himself off from his wife in his pain. His wife is suffering her own pain from the past, and now God in the middle of it all places a child in their home.  Then also, there is Matthew, the deaf boy who has alot of strikes against him, but is brilliant despite his disability. What can he do to help with the healing in this family? Can they find the mother of the baby?

I enjoyed reading this story, even though it was a hard one to read. When I finished it, I wondered why it was ended that way, I wished for  a different ending, but sometimes real life is more like this book. Watch over me is a tale of pain, heartache and the joy that comes in the middle of those things. This book will touch your heart and your soul and cause you to dig deep within. - Martha

(Thank you to Bethany House Publishers for providing this review copy)

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Oct. 31, 2009

Last Breath by Brandilynn Collins

My Review: Yikes! I am behind on my reading, skip reading for a couple days and I am all behind! I wrote reviews on the wrong ones....I will post a review of this one shortly!

It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!

Today's Wild Card author is:

Brandilyn & Amberly Collins

and the book:

Last Breath (Rayne Series #2)

Zondervan; 1 edition (October 1, 2009)

***Special thanks to Lindsey Rodarmer of ZONDERKIDZ for sending me a review copy.***

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Brandilyn and Amberly Collins are a mother/daughter team from northern California. Brandilyn is a bestselling novelist, known for her trademarked "Seatbelt Suspense". Amberly is a college student in southern California. She and her mom love attending concerts together.

Visit the author's website.


Here's a video about the first book in the Rayne Series:



Product Details:

List Price: $9.99
Reading level: Young Adult
Paperback: 240 pages
Publisher: Zondervan; 1 edition (October 1, 2009)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0310715407
ISBN-13: 978-0310715405

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:

Your father sent me.

The last words of a dying man, whispered in my ear.

Were they true? What did they mean?

Your father sent me. The stunning claim drilled through my head, louder than the crowd’s screams.

Guitars blasted the last chord of Rayne’s hit song, Ever Alone, as Mom’s voice echoed through the Pepsi Center in Denver. The heavy drum beat thumped in my chest. With a final smash of cymbals the rock song ended. Multicolored laser lights swept the stadium, signaling the thirty-minute intermission.

Wild shrieks from thousands of fans rang in my ears.

I rose from my chair backstage. Tiredly, I smiled at the famous Rayne O’Connor as she strode toward me on high red heels. In the lights her sequined top shimmered and her blonde hair shone. She walked with confidence and grace, the picture of a rock star—until she stepped from her fans’ sight. Then her posture slumped, weariness creasing her beautiful face. Mom’s intense blue eyes usually glimmered with the excitement of performing, but now I saw only the wash of grief and exhaustion. How she’d managed to perform tonight, I’d never know. Except that she’s strong. A real fighter.

Me? I had to keep fighting too, even if my legs still trembled and I’d probably have nightmares for weeks.

Your father sent me.

I had to find out what those words meant.

“You’re a very brave young lady,” a Denver detective had told me just a few hours ago. I didn’t feel brave then or now.

“You okay, Shaley?” Mom had to shout over the screams as she hugged me.

I nodded against her shoulder, hanging on tightly until she pulled back.

The crowd’s applause died down. A heavy hum of voices and footsteps filtered from the stadium as thousands of people headed for concessions and bathrooms during the break.

Kim, the band’s keyboard player and alto to my mom’s lead vocals, stopped to lay a darkly tanned hand on my head. A strand of her bleached white-blonde hair was stuck to the gloss on her pink lips. She brushed it away. “You’re an amazing sixteen-year-old.”

I shrugged, embarrassed. “Thanks.”

Mick and Wendell, Mom’s two remaining bodyguards, approached without a word. I gave a self-conscious smile to Wendell, and he nodded back, sadness flicking across his face. His deep-set eyes were clouded, and the long scar across his chin seemed harder, more shiny. At five-eleven, Wendell is short for a bodyguard but every bit as muscled. Tonight his two-inch black hair, usually gelled straight up, stuck out in various directions. He hadn’t bothered to fix it since the life and death chase he was involved in just a few hours ago. Seeing that messed-up hair sent a stab through me. Wendell was usually so finicky about it.

Mick, Mom’s main personal bodyguard, folded his huge arms and stood back, waiting. Mick is in his forties, ex-military and tall, with a thick neck and block-shaped head. I’ve rarely seen emotion on his face, but I saw glimpses of it now. He and Wendell had been good friends with Bruce, Mom’s third bodyguard.

Bruce had been killed hours ago. Shot.

And he’d been trying to guard me.

My vision blurred. I blinked hard and looked at the floor.

“Come on.” Mom nudged my arm. “We’re all meeting in my dressing room.”

Mick and Bruce flanked her as she walked away.

Usually we don’t have to be so careful backstage. It’s a heavily guarded area anyway. But tonight nothing was the same.

Kim and I followed Mom down a long hall to her dressing room. Morrey, Kim’s boyfriend and Rayne’s drummer, caught up with us. He put a tattoo-covered arm around Kim, her head only reaching his shoulders. Morrey looked at me and winked, but I saw no happiness in it.

Ross Blanke, the band’s tour production manager, hustled up alongside us, trailed by Stan, lead guitarist, and Rich, Rayne’s bass player. “Hey.” Ross put a pudgy hand on Mom’s shoulder. “You’re doing great.” He waved an arm, indicating everyone. “All of you, you’re just doing great.”

“You do what you have to,” Stan said grimly. His black face shone with sweat.

Narrowing single file, we trudged into the dressing room. Mick and Wendell took up places on each side of the door.

Marshall, the makeup and hair stylist, started handing out water bottles. In his thirties, Marshall has buggy eyes and curly dark hair. His fingers are long and narrow, deft with his makeup tools. But until two days ago, he’d been second to Mom’s main stylist, Tom.

“Thanks.” I took a bottle from Marshall and tried to smile. Didn’t work. Just looking at him sent pangs of grief through me, because his presence reminded me of Tom’s absence.

Tom, my closest friend on tour, had been murdered two days ago.

Mom, Ross, Rich and I sank down on the blue couch—one of the furniture pieces Mom requested in every dressing room. Denver’s version was extra large, with a high back and overstuffed arms. To our left stood a table with plenty of catered food, but no one was hungry. I’d hardly eaten in the last day and a half and knew I should have something. But no way, not now.

Maybe after the concert.

Stan, Morrey and Kim drew up chairs to form a haphazard circle.

“All right.” Ross sat with his short, fat legs apart, hands on his jeaned thighs. The huge diamond ring on his right hand was skewed to one side. He straightened it with his pinky finger. “I’ve checked outside past the guarded area. The zoo’s double what it usually is. The news has already hit and every reporter and his brother are waiting for us. Some paparazzi are already there, and others have probably hopped planes and will show up by the time we leave.”

Is Cat here? I shuddered at the thought of the slinky, effeminate photographer who’d bothered us so much in the last two days. He’d even pulled a fire alarm in our San Jose hotel the night before just to force us out of our rooms. Now by police order he wasn’t supposed to get within five hundred feet of us. I doubted he’d care.

My eyes burned, and my muscles felt like water. Little food, no sleep, and plenty of shock. Bad combination. I slumped down in the couch and laid my head back.

Ross ran a hand through his scraggly brown hair. “Now at intermission folks out there”—he jabbed a thumb toward the arena—“are gonna start hearing things. Rayne, you might want to say a little something when you get back on stage.”

Mom sighed, as if wondering where she’d find the energy to do the second half of the concert. “Yeah.”

I squeezed her knee. If only the two of us could hide from the world for a week or two.

Make that a whole year.

Rich frowned as he moved his shaved head from one side to the other, stretching his neck muscles. His piercing gray eyes landed on me, and his face softened. I looked away.

Everyone was so caring and concerned about me. I was grateful for that. Really, I was. But it’s a little hard to know you’ve been the cause of three deaths. Under all their smiles, did the band members blame me?

Ross scratched his hanging jowl. “We got extra coverage from Denver police at the hotel tonight. Tomorrow we’re supposed to head out for Albuquerque. It’s close enough for Vance to drive the main bus without a switch-off driver, and the next two venues are close enough as well. But that’s just logistics. We’ve all been through a lot. Question is—can you all keep performing?” He looked around, eyebrows raised.

“Man.” Morrey shook back his shoulder-length black hair. “If three deaths in two days isn’t enough to make us quit …” His full lips pressed.

I glanced hopefully at Mom. Yeah, let’s go home! I could sleep in my own bed, hide from the paparazzi and reporters, hang out with Brittany, my best friend—who was supposed to be here with me right now.

But canceling concerts would mean losing a lot of money. The Rayne tour was supposed to continue another four weeks.

Mom hunched forward, elbows on her knees and one hand to her cheek. Her long red fingernails matched the color of her lips. “I almost lost my daughter tonight.” Her voice was tight. “I don’t care if I never tour again—Shaley’s got to be protected, that’s the number one thing.”

I want you protected too, Mom.

“I agree with that a hundred percent,” Morrey said, “but at least the threat to Shaley is gone now that Jerry’s dead.

Jerry, one of our bus drivers—and a man I’d thought was my friend—killed Tom and Bruce, and then came after me earlier that night. A cop ended up shooting him.

Kim spread her hands. “I don’t know what to say. I’m still reeling. We’ve barely had time to talk about any of this tonight before getting on stage. I feel like my mind’s gonna explode. And Tom …”

She teared up, and that made me cry. Kim had been like a mother to Tom. Crazy, funny Tom. It was just so hard to believe he was gone.

I wiped my eyes and looked at my lap.

“Anyway.” Kim steadied her voice. “It’s so much to deal with. I don’t know how we’re going to keep up this pace for another month.”

Mom looked at Ross. “We can’t keep going very long with only Vance to drive the main bus.”

Ross nodded. “Until Thursday. I’d have to replace him by then.”

“With who?” Mom’s voice edged.

“I don’t know. I’ll have to jump on it.”

“You can’t just ‘jump on it.’ We need time to thoroughly check the new driver out.”

“Rayne.” Ross threw her a look. “I did check Jerry out. Completely. He had a false ID, remember? That’s what the police said. I couldn’t have known that.”

“You might have known if you’d checked harder.”

Ross’s face flushed. “I did—”

“No you didn’t! Or if you did it wasn’t good enough!” Mom pushed to her feet and paced a few steps. “Something’s mighty wrong if we can’t even find out a guy’s a convicted felon!”

What? I stiffened. “How do you know that?”

Mom waved a hand in the air. “The police told me just before we left the hotel.”

We’d huddled in the manager’s office after the policeman killed Jerry.

I stared at Mom. “When was he in jail?”

Mom threw a hard look at Ross. “He’d barely gotten out when we hired him.”

Heat flushed through my veins. I snapped my gaze toward the floor, Jerry’s last words ringing in my head.

Your father sent me.

How could my father have sent Jerry if he was in jail?

“Rayne,” Ross snapped, “I’ve told you I’m sorry a dozen times—”

“Sorry isn’t enough!” Mom whirled on him. “My daughter was taken hostage. She could have been killed!”

Rich jumped up and put his arms around her. “Come on, Rayne, it’s okay now.”

She leaned against him, eyes closed. The anger on her face melted into exhaustion. “It’s not okay.” Mom shook her head. “Tom’s dead, Bruce is dead. And Shaley—”

Her words broke off. Mom pulled away from Rich and hurried back to the couch. She sank down next to me, a hand on my knee. “Shaley, you’re the one who’s been through the most. What do you want to do?”

My throat nearly swelled shut. Go home! I wanted to yell. But I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair. This wasn’t my tour. I didn’t have to pay the bills.

I glanced around at all the band members. Morrey was holding Kim’s hand. Stan and Rich watched me, waiting. A canceled tour wouldn’t just affect them. Rayne had three back-up singers, one of them Carly, who’d been such a help to me. Plus all the techs and roadies. They’d all lose money.

Wait—maybe Mom would let me go home and stay with Brittany. Now that Tom’s and Bruce’s killer was dead …

“Shaley?” Mom tapped my leg.

“I don’t … I can’t stop the tour.”

Ross exhaled. “Rayne?”

Mom looked at the wall clock and pushed to her feet. “We can’t decide this now. It’s only fifteen minutes before we have to be back on stage. I still need to change.”

Stan stood. “I say we figure on doing Albuquerque, and then we can decide about the rest.”

“Yeah, me too.” Rich got up, along with everyone else. I could see the business-like attitude settle on all their faces, including Mom’s. Soon they had to perform again. Every other concern must be pushed aside. In the entertainment world the saying was true: the show must go on.

Within a minute everyone had left except Mom, Marshall and me. Mom threw herself into a chair by the bright mirrors so Marshall could adjust her makeup. When he left she changed into a steel blue top and skinny-legged black pants.

I sat numbly on the couch, four words running through my mind. Words, I sensed, that would change my life.

Your father sent me.

Mom didn’t know what Jerry had whispered to me as he died. I needed to tell her.

But how? Like me, she was running on empty. It would be one more shock, another scare. I wasn’t sure she could take anymore and still perform.

Had Jerry told me the truth? Had the father I’d never known—the man my mother refused to talk about—purposely sent a killer to join our tour?

I needed to know. I needed to find out. Because if it was true—the danger was far from over.

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