Oct. 17, 2006 - Obstetrician Today
I had the weirdest OB appointment today. First of all, I couldn't find my keys (which were under a placemat on the dining table) and so we were running late. Had to stop in at a clinic for a blood draw prior to getting this last Rhogam shot. Finally got to the appointment. The waiting room was just packed with big preggo women and crabby toddlers -- there was a HUGE backup because the OB's who were supposed to be doing the prenatal appointments were both on call for deliveries and stitches and all that. And today a lot of women decided to have babies. So we waited, and waited, and waited. My kids all sat on the floor as all the seats were taken.
Finally, I got into see the OB. Neg protein, Neg sugar (great!) and BP was fine at 120/80. (It's remained at that level ever since I cut back on all that stress!). Then I hopped up on the table for an ultrasound to see if the placenta had moved up or not since 22 weeks ago. I think he glanced at the placenta but was a LOT more interested in where the baby's head had gone?!? Well, if he'd have asked me, I would have told him that the baby's head was well and truly under my right ribs and that lump he was feeling down in the pelvis was his little bony behind. The OB kept saying, "There's heart...there's abdomen...where's the head? Where's the head?" I mean, it was one of those things where if you didn't know for sure that your baby HAD to have a head somewhere and if he hadn't been kicking only a minute before, it could have been seriously worrying, you know?
So OB finally caught on to the fact that baby is indeed breech. So then things got interesting. I only have 3 weeks to go, and OB doesn't deliver breech babies. He said, "You cannot deliver this baby like that. I'll see you back here in a week for another ultrasound and if he has not turned, I'll have to schedule you in for a C-section." Well, I just laughed at that, because this is the 3rd baby in a row that has still been happily turning around and around at 37 weeks. But I was like, "Ok, whatever," being fairly confident that baby still has plenty of room and hopefully enough time to turn. Then OB worried my by saying that "If you feel a sudden or violent movement, you MUST come in straight away because the baby might have the cord around it's neck, and he might be in danger!" Oh that's just great, because this little one, as his brothers have before him, sometimes just FLIPS. That's the only way to describe it. And that, my friends, involves some sudden and violent movement. Well, I just thought that was what they did. Now I'm going to worry about it for sure.
The OB had to run off to stitch some poor woman back together and as soon as he left, the midwife quickly shut the door and said, "I've been WAITING for him to leave! Don't let him pressure you into a C-section! There is an OB here who will deliver breech babies! If your baby is still breech next week, you must talk to her! You have already had 3 babies -- you can probably birth a breech one without much trouble!" Which is exactly what I was thinking considering I never had a delivery that was any longer than 15 minutes, or a couple of pushes. No tearing or anything with the last 2 of them either. I know things can change with every baby, every delivery, but good golly -- I'd think a breech birth would be worth a try.
So at least, if baby is still breech next week, I have another option to try for.
The thing is, I think in the 9 hours since I've been at the appointment, baby has turned head down again, and now back to transverse. I'm telling you, this is some travelling baby I've got here.
The question is, WHY don't docs listen to you when you say, "Baby has plenty of room and rocks around the clock just about every day!" They must persist in worrying, mustn't they!
At least I get yet another ultrasound. I do hope there doesn't prove to be a problem with the cord though. I tend to worry about that anyway, and the tighter the squeeze in there, the less room baby has to slip through a loop that might otherwise go around his neck and tighten. Ugh...
The last few weeks are so hard! When you know if baby was born now he'd be fine, and yet there he is inside where you can't see him or tell if he's in trouble! I do know that God knows everything and is in control of everything, and I'm just leaving it all in His hands right now.
Anyway...I went after my apptmt back into the waiting room where I had left my two olders, a bunch of very grumpy women and their several cranky toddlers. When I came back in, everyone looked up and smiled at me. A semi-circle of toddlers were sitting on the floor happily listening to books being read by my 8yods and 9yodd. Even the crabby stressed out receptionist was smiling.
My kids are so cool sometimes.
When we left, a couple toddlers came with us. We had to return them to their mommas!
Reading through Isaiah has been great. I'll say more about that some other time. But it's been so enlightening and I couldn't be gladder that I'm into it, now! The Bible is SOOOOO amazing!
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Oct. 11, 2006 - Sooooooooo Tired Today
Good gracious! With every passing moment I get tireder and tireder! I feel just like a balloon losing air! I'd give just about anything for someone to come and take the kids out for an afternoon and give me nothing to do but lay in bed! Without feeling guilty!
I'm a little muscle-sore today from painting at church yesterday. We had some guys come to look at a cracked wall in the building (a truck next door ran into the wall of the sanctuary and cracked it right through, and it hasn't been fixed yet). The man who would normally take care of it is on vacation so he called me to go and meet the guys. However I had already planned to go and finish painting the nursery at church so it was good timing, anyway. I guess I just didn't realize how tired I was until late yesterday afternoon -- I got to the store for groceries after painting, then had a friend plumber come by to fix our water heater but I didn't even have the energy to put away the groceries or make dinner. We had Dominoes. Yuck. Incidentally, the groceries are still sitting there on the floor, and it's 1:35pm TODAY and all I've done so far today is my Bible study, and I just took a shower. Woo Hoo.
My Bible study times have been extensive (long) and good. I know hormones are affecting me, but I'm trying to learn how to stop what I'm "feeling" from interfering with the underlying faith and relationship with God. I embarked on somewhat of a Bible reading plan -- I looked at how many pages there are in the Bible I use (1170) and divided that by the days of the year. So now I would read 3 pages a day except for Sundays when I would read 4 or 5 pages alternately. That way, I'll get through the Bible in a year and not miss books that normally I wouldn't get into. I figured out where to start by going to the Christmas Story in Matthew -- which I would prefer to read at Christmas time, of course! -- and working back from there .
Incidentally, that put me right at Song of Solomon, which I was like 
about. But I thought I'd suffer through it....it's always been kinda a pointless book to me. Me, the "just give me a list, God," person. But as it turned out I was completely touched and overwhelmed by the book and really blessed through reading it. When I thought about Solomon and some young model, it left me cold and dry. No, no hopeless romantic here.
But when it broke through to me that this is also a song between Jesus and his church/people/ME, it was totally different. How Jesus sees the ones who long for Him as beautiful and desirable, and how He takes rest (!) from and with the ones who desire Him! I guess I always feel a bit of a burden to Him and like I'm just another needy person in the soup kitchen line waiting for the spiritual handouts. I realized then that Jesus is doing His work in the world, all the time. His heart breaking for the ones who reject Him, His calling out to people to listen and turn from their sins. It didn't occur to me that those who desire to be with Him and love Him REFRESH him and give Him rest and encouragement! Whoa, what a thought. And He sees those people as beautiful and he LOVES to spend time with them! And they ask, "When can we spend MORE time with you, Jesus! Come away with me into the gardens! Enjoy the fruit of our relationship!" Oh, it's so beautiful.
Go read it now.
Incidentally, I'm now in Isaiah, and it's frankly not doing a lot for me. But I'm making a pretty good list of the things God hates and desires. And of course the passages foretelling the coming of Jesus are like beautiful jewels buried in all the dirt of the sin and sadness described in the book.
The other thing I am doing in my Bible times, is really examining my heart to see what I'm feeling at THAT MOMENT. If I'm sad, why? Discouraged, why? I'm bringing those things immediately to the Lord and then searching the Word for an answer from Him. Well, I just keep praying and looking until I come to peace.
So you can see how the Bible study times can get long but so far I've not had a time that wasn't fruitful.
I'm still just plain tired, though.
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Oct. 4, 2006 - Thinking
Okay, perhaps I should apologize for yesterday's post. I can't pretend to be God and know what was in that man's heart. The only thing I do know for sure is that he was overcome by evil. I pray for his wife and children and the Amish families who lost children and friends. I would never want to add to the burden of any of them through a careless judgmental comment. Enough said. God please protect us all from being overcome by evil in any and every way!
So...I'm still "wrestling" with the Lord. I'm so confused in so many areas! The idea of home vs. church; What is "church" supposed to be? What are my roles and priorities supposed to be? How do I know if I am doing what God wants, whether it's too much or whether I am being lazy? I read Momys and many momys say one thing. I'm in the middle of an Anne Ortlund book and she says other things. What about skirts? Headcoverings? Will I ever be assured that the way I am going IS the right way? Why am I always searching, searching, searching? God promises peace -- so where is it?
Don't get me wrong -- this time I'm not upset, just bemused. I guess I'm still looking for that "plan" -- the instructions to tell me which way to go.
My resolutions change every day. Today's was to have my house in such good order that my dear hubby would have nothing to do when he got home but spend time with the kids and the Lord. I truly desire that he would spiritually lead our family and I feel as though I ought to do my utmost to allow him to do that without burdening his time with things I could do. You see, I get up at 6:30 to have my time with the Lord. He is already gone to work at that hour. To me, 6:30 is incredibly early. To get up that early, I must discipline myself to be in bed by 10:30 -- not easy for this night owl.
Hubby gets up an hour earlier than that to get ready for work. He quite often spends his lunch break doing emails, church tasks, or today, tax preparation. At night, he comes home, eats dinner (sometimes cooks it), looks around for things he can do to help me, quite often does the dishes, puts the kids to bed, and then he is falling asleep before 9pm. I do not know when he would find time for his own personal devotions -- is it a good thing that I should try to make that time for him? I think it is.
I need to ask him more about what he wants and needs from me. I suppose if what he wants and needs takes up all my time, then that answers a lot of questions about what I should be doing for church 
. I don't want to be an irresponsible church member though -- or to raise my children to be that way! Oh, it's such a hard thing to prioritize well! But perhaps if I can help him to have more time, then he will read the Word more, and he will find good things to do for the church. Not that he doesn't do plenty already, don't get me wrong!
Anyway, as I type, he is up about to do dishes and it's 10:15 pm and he's got a day off work tomorrow so we can go to the Royal Show. It may be our last one before we move back to the States, otherwise I wouldn't be dragging my preggo self around all day...ugh... hope there are plenty of bathrooms. So I'm going to go relieve him of his duty and put away my sewing (finally made an apron since I'm sooooo tired of having a messy preggy belly from leaning into things while I'm cooking and doing chores!)
Good Night, All! (And, God, if you're reading, feel free to leave a comment and preferably a schedule.)
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Oct. 2, 2006 - Weirdly Content
I am finding it is a lot harder to blog when I don't have something to complain about. Know why? I'm lazy, that's why.
I mean there are ALWAYS things to complain about, but this time, I am content. Weirdly, blessedly content. The situations of my life lately have caused some sort of internal spiritual growth spurt, which has resulted in this contentedness. I feel like I'm covered with new skin, all soft and shiny. I'm protective of it, because I know it's very fragile, and I'm praying for rest from conflict and stress and hardship because my new skin seems as likely to break as bruise.
Things that have changed lately for me, besides my overwhelming (to me) circumstances, are how much God has told me in his Word that He cares for me, He knows my weaknesses and my circumstances, and He will cover me. Because of Him, I am weaker -- and yet stronger -- than before. I acknowledge that there are times I will fail, and even times that I MUST fail, for my own good! I acknowledge that when I think I'm the strongest, I am the weakest. Most of all, I acknowledge His sovereignty and His ability to accomplish what He intends to do in my life.
I've fallen in love with God's Word. I can't wait to get up early in the morning and write down my first thoughts -- whether I've woken anxious or happy, what questions are on my mind -- and on the rare occasion when there are no questions, to ask Him what HE has for me? Then, I go reading. I read and read and read until I gain a sense of what His message is for me that day. I begin hungry and I end full.
It's funny that in the past, many times when I have read God's Word, I have felt a sense of condemnation, of not being good enough, that has set me up for more striving and more stress and more trying -- I guess on my own strength, although I always ASK for Him to change me -- to do better, to make myself that person that God wants me to be. These past few weeks, when I have literally been driven to my knees in exhaustion and desperation, I have learned that God takes care of His own plans. I've literally had to let go of my plans to improve myself on behalf of God, because I realised that I was too weak and insufficient in every way to accomplish them.
It's so hard to differentiate between your own "good" intentions and what God's intentions are for you. The only way to do it is to let Him do it. I don't know how to explain that any better. I mean before, I would read the Bible, and read about "taking care of widows and orphans" and, well, everything, and in my zeal to serve God, I would put it all on my own personal "to-do" list. Everything I read, I put on my mental "to-do" list. My list of instructions. My way of serving God as I felt I should. What a burden. I could read the verse "Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you..." and think Yeah Right! I'll do it, but it's NOT EASY and it's NOT LIGHT!
Things gain a lot of clarity when you are stripped back to nothing.
I think I mentioned that I very nearly had a breakdown. It was the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time.
In a way, God made me like a baby. I was at the place for a little while where I could do NOTHING. I could barely function for a couple of days. It was a shock to me, that *I* could be like this. I finally got to the point where blowing off steam and judging others and relieving pressure from myself in a thousand other ungodly ways, could not do the job of eradicating my burdens. I threw off this commitment, and that commitment, and rescheduled this, and simplified that, but it didn't fix the problem. I blamed others, got annoyed and aggressive, harbored anger in my heart towards my Christian brothers and sisters, and ranted and raved to hubby about this and that -- there was so much anger in me! But that also did not fix the problem.
To be honest, the "problem," whatever it is, isn't "fixed." But I am confident now that it is in the process. I'm learning to let go of "fixing" my problems. I am confident that when I humbly ask God, and learn at his feet through his Word, that He will do the work in me that He intends to do. When I could not handle the responsibility of myself any more, I threw that responsibility on Him, and he responded with graciousness -- not condemnation. I was surprised -- and still am. But it's a good, content, happy place to be. Okay, I'm not perfect. Not even close. And even more than that, I'm not going to make myself that way. It's not possible. Thank God, because that's one thing I can cross off the list.
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Sep. 26, 2006 - Doc Appointment Today
So -- I had a doctor appointment today with my cute doctor. Sadly, it'll be the last time I see him until the baby comes (unless I get sick or have to take the kids in or something). He's such a nice guy.
Everything went great. Baby Toby seems big and bony (I knew that already, for sure!) He's head down today for a change and his heart rate was good and steady. He moves around most of the time now. Apparently his behind is so bony the doctor had a good laugh at his expense.
The really good news is that I only gained 1lb in the past month (I really don't need to gain any) even though the baby's growth seems good. And even better than that -- my blood pressure is BACK TO NORMAL, even though I ran in there late and climbed onto that table huffing and puffing for sure! I knew it was stress all along but I'm so grateful that things seem better. I need to schedule an ultrasound now to see if the placenta has moved away from the cervix. There's only 6 weeks to go.
Things have finally slowed down this week. Soccer season is finished, swimming lessons are finished for the next couple weeks, I'm done with breakfast club, I worked my last day yesterday, archery lessons are done for the term, I cut back on helping with the church finances (only doing daytime non-computer stuff now like counting and recording the offerings, and bank deposits and signing checks), and I'm only on ONE scheduled roster (cleaning the church) before the baby's born-- so now my main duty at church is just Sunday school teaching! So now I'm just like a normal homeschooling mom who actually gets to homeschool AT HOME and take care of my home and family!
Now to get ready for the baby, which it's high time I did. We don't have any newborn stuff at all since we borrowed all of ours from someone else who has a baby now.
I've been doing really well with doing my own devotions in the morning (I do them at 6:30) but these past days we've been out in the mornings so I've missed doing it with the kids. I did pick up a Kids Bible today which takes them through the entire Bible in a year, with questions and all, so I think we'll do that. I'll share with them things that I learn in the mornings too.
Apart from that, we were out most of the day today and most of the day yesterday so we are getting further and further "behind". Hubby isn't happy, but -- you know how it is. It's hard to go to the doctor, get the groceries, fix meals, get Jr Spragus' haircut, work at a job, and homeschool all at the same time. We'll get to it when we can. Right now the kids are doing their Sonlight Bible reading anyway, and they've done math and geography and read a chapter of Ginger Pye too. It's only about half of the Sonlight stuff set out for today, but it's still probably twice what they would've done at school.
I've been spending my evenings "purging" the house. Reverse nesting, I guess. My dear sisters are going to benefit a lot from my reverse nesting, I can tell. I love getting rid of stuff. Which is good because most others in my family like to collect things. So it works for everyone.
Take care!
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