Dec. 27, 2008 - The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
As I drove to work tonight and I went by the different decorated houses I remembered why I love this time of year. I had forgotten in all the busyness.
For the last two weeks I coordinated a polyana between the cousins, franticly finished shopping (for about 25 people), sent out Chritsmas cards (after getting a portrait done of the kids), bought birthday presents for my Christmas eve birthday boy, encouraged (or forced) birthday boy to write out birthday party thank you cards, wrapped countless presents, made a chocolate birthday cake and fudge icing from scratch, sang happy birthday after lunch on Christmas eve, made pecan chocolate chip brownies from scratch (2 batches), bagged up ornaments and cards for the nieghbors, cleaned, traveled 45 minutes to sister-in -law's for a party at 7pm with tired children...made Christmas brunch--twice (the kids couldn't wait until company arrived at 11:30), made a pineapple souffle for Christmas dinner at my sister's . This in addition to what I do on a regular basis-- keep my kids close to me every day all week...work every weekend, nightshift... watch my baby niece every Sunday...try to fit in some kind of learning, food shop, be a mother, be a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister.....
During these rediculously busy last two weeks, as I was reminding my kids what this season is about, I completely missed it. After my sister's dinner party on Chistmas day. My husband and I got the kids in bed we just looked at eachother. Both of us were thinking the same thing: "We missed it".
I love Christmas. I love the lights. I love the decorations, I love a beautifully decorated tree. I love the traditions. I love cookies. I love the worship music that plays everywhere from the mall to the dentist's office. I love hearing my kids hum Christmas Caroles and singing out "heaven' and nature sing...!". I love Christmas pageants. I love imagining what Mary may have been thinking about giving birth to the Messiah...about who her son was going to be...who he already was. I love to think about those who came to worship Jesus, baby Yeshua, in the stable...the ones who had faith enough to follow a star and the ones who didn't care how crazy it sounded that angels told them to look for a boy sleeping in a manger. I love focusing on the time in history when God drew near to his children...when he sent his Son to live among us.........Only this year I feel like I missed it.
It was too much. Too many presents. Too many people to see (who have more presents). Too many places to go. Too little time to talk and enjoy just being together. I was feeling regretfull. I felt like my kids missed the point of it all....but God did remind me me of something I had done. I did, in all my busyness, reach out to my brother who needed help in a real tangable way (money, rides, time spent helping him Christmas shop for his son, someone just to be there for him...). I verbalized this "help" to my kids as we were doing it and trudging out to Target for the second time that day (the day before Christmas eve!) "We need to help your uncle", "Lets be Jesus' hands and feet", "We need to show our love for our family by being good helpers". My God brought all this to my mind as I reviewed all my regrets of the season. I am so thankful that He provided my family the oportunity to serve during this time. I was too busy to seek out "service needs". Not that I am happy for my brother's situation, but I am glad in my heart that the Lord used me and my kids to minister to my brother.
I love this time of year. I love it because of the increase in the desire of our society to want to help others. I love it becuase of the Spirit of God is tangable if we take a moment to feel Him. I love this time of year because when done correctly through God's power, it is such a powerful tool to share the Grace and Love of our Father.
We didn't miss it but we were too busy. Next year it will be less. Less stuff. Less people. Less running around. More God. More family. More serving our fellow man (and possibly angels?!). It's time for us to have our own family tradtions that mean something to our hearts. Next year, throughout the whole year it will be different.
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Nov. 22, 2008 - The Heart of Motherhood
It is amazing, this mothering force that we women seem to be born with. Then, just moments after we conceive or welcome a child into our homes this force goes into overdrive. The love we have for our kids is unexplainable, unstoppable. It's a love that is overwhelming. Someone once said to be a mother is to forever have your heart walking around outside your body. We love and nurture our children so they will grow in body and spirit; we encourage them to stay close so they'll be safe as we encourage independence; we love them unconditionally; we watch then make mistakes and pray they learn form them; we teach and train and guide and we love.
We are made in our Creator's image. I am so humbled when I remember one of the reasons that God has given me this gift of motherhood is as an insight into His heart. My love for my children is just a tiny fraction of the love that our Father has for us. He watches us stumble as we refuse his guidance. He loves us. He swells with Fatherly pride when we seek Him first. He reminds us again and again that He is there, that we should stay close... and He loves.
I am also discovering other reasons that God makes us mothers. He is as interested in developing our hearts and our characters as he is our kids'. These small people in my home are the best motivators for change. For my children I will put aside sleep, comfort, fears, phobias, bad habits, change eating habits. If it benefits my kids I will do it. They challenge me to be better at life. I smile as I think of how wonderfully smart my God is.
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Sep. 20, 2008 - The Privilege of Teaching
What an amazing gift we are given: to pass on a legacy , to have a hand in raising up the next generation, to leave an impression. These young people in our care are on loan to us so that we can teach them what we know. How is it that people wonder and ask how we do this? "I wouldn't have the patience" they say, as if patience is a gift only given to some rather than a choice of behavior.
It is almost incomprehensable that I am allowed this opportunity to be the one to fill my child's mind, to encourage a hunger for learning and a thirst for truth. Watching their little faces light up with excitement about addition facts, reading, voyages of early settlers is a treasure I will fight to keep. I am excited for each week to begin. I was created for this. The more we learn together the more I realize this is what I was put here to do. I want my children to know that every single day I spend with them is an answered prayer. I want them to know that I love being their mother. I can't imagine a better way to say how much I treasure them.
This gift I will hold close to my heart. I know that too soon it will be time to let go. My prayer is that I honor my God with the way we live, and with the legacy we leave.
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Aug. 23, 2008 - Doubting my beliefs
One of my last entries talked about 'doubting my doubts' and my faith being based on 'rock solid Truth' . I can't help but think it's significant that since my last blog I have begun questioning many of my beliefs. I don't mean losing faith in my God but more realizing that some of what I believe may only comes from traditions of the Church. So much of what I always thought I knew by heart isn't actually in the bible (when looking in the context). It has been strange to realize that growing up a 'church kid' can be a bit numbing to what is in the written word. So much of the bible is not just Sunday school stories. I actually have never been so excited about reading my bible and allowing God's Spirit to speak to me rather than taking someone elses predigested version of the truth. Things are not as clear and easily understood as some would like us to think...and that is OK. God wants to be the one with all the answers. He does not want us walking around thinking we know all there is to know and anyone who disagrees is hell bound. He wants us to go to His Word and to trust Him.
There certainly is something familiar and comforting about Sunday morning tradition, but tradition does not replace Truth. Sermons do not take the place of bible study and spiritual revelation. It's ok to question things. Truth can hold up to any scrutiny. Those who have the quickest answers are often just repeating that predigested stuff (I know, that used to be me). I am so thankful that God is continually shaping me into who He wants me to be. I am grateful that He loves me enough to answer my prayers to change my heart and bring me closer to Him.
I never thought I'd take comfort in knowing less. But knowing less (than I thought I knew) has allowed me to trust more, to read more, to want more of my God. This walk is amazing. LORD, you are amazing. I humbly offer You all that I am. I pray that my hunger for Your Truth continues until the day I can ask you these questions face to face.
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Aug. 23, 2008 - So busy making a life that I forget to live it
It sadens me when I realize, several hours after the fact, that one of my kids said or did something precious but I was too distracted to notice. My 3 year old went into my wallet at the park and took out 3 pennies and said "I need these". I just said OK and continued my internal conversation with myself about the trillion things that need to get done. I just now realized that he took the money to go "buy" some kind of "thing" at the "store". In a few mintues he brought back the pennies and for about 5 minutes he worked on opening the zipper to my wallet with his one hand full. Never once did he ask for help and he refused my help when I offered.
I get to be there for all these wonderful interactions with my kids but how often am I not really there? I read my last few blogs and in one I stated my goals for that week were to put God first, and to be in the moment...every moment. Well, they continue to be my goals. We leave for Maine in the morning. I will be present all week. This will be my practice for "being there". I want my kids to know how much I love being their mom, that I treasure them. Giving them my attention is where it begins. I expect undivided attention when I speak to them and they are 3 and 5. How can I not expect to give the same? The vacume will wait; the dishes will wait; the errands will wait; even the bills will wait...childhood will not.
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Jun. 21, 2008 - Doubt your doubts before you doubt your beliefs
I think the title of this entry if from a Max Lucado book. It gets me through a lot of circummstances. Faith, human faith that is, is so messy. I am so thankful for this gift of faith that my Father has given me. I just wish I was better at using it. I always second guess myself. It must be one of my great flaws. It goes really well with the layers of guilt I find my self drowning in at times....Was I too harsh because I yelled at the misbehaving kids?...Am I inattentive because I'm cleaning instead of playing Hi HO Cherrio again?...Will I ever have it together enough to make it look like I know what I'm doing?...Then one that is special, just for stepmothers---Is this child on my nerves becuase he's not "mine" or because he's being really annoying?...
Why do I second guess everything I do? This week I even allowed a non believing agnostic to sprinkle her doubting dust all over me. Why? I know God way down deep in my bones. I've known Him as long as I can remember. I know His tendancies, His personality. We are friends. He is my Father, my King, my Savior. I don't presume I understand all that He is (not even a little bit close), or all that He does (I too often am asking why). My journy to be like Him feels like it's barely begun. I know that much more than I want to see my children grow and learn, my Father wants me growing and learning as well.
So I might have been too harsh, but it's usually because I let things go too far before intervening. The house does require cleaning, but aside from health hazzards, playing Hi Ho Cherrio will have a much greater impact on my kids than a clean kitchen (or dust free bedroom, or even clean laundry), I do know what I'm doing and it even looks that way most of the time (at least it does when I am focused on my kids and not my guilt, or chores). And my stepson is mine and sometimes he is being annoying. I am God's choice for my children's mother (and step mother). Who am I to argue with that?
There is no doubt (or doubter) that can can prevail against God's faithfulness. So I will continue to "doubt my doubts" because my beliefs are built on rock solid Truth.
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Jun. 15, 2008 - Answers to prayer
This is a subject I keep encountering: why we have certain emotions. Anger I am learning is there to identify a problem, and give enough energy (adrenaline) to fix the problem. Guilt exists to reveal a spirit issue. Fear exists to keep us cautious. The real problem only begins when our emotions rule our actions.
My husband and I had a good talk the other day (about anger and it's purpose). It came after a big clash between husband and 13 y/o stepson. It was an eruption of an ongoing issue about how said stepson acts like leaving our house is an escape from prison. My husband had had enough of the ungratefulness so he reacted. There was yelling and tears. The clash came only hours after my journal prayer time where I focused on my stepson and husband's relationship. Of course during the big blow up I sarcastically thanked God for his "help" in this area. But I am now humbled and repentant for my lack of faith. It is so clear now how God used this "encounter" as a catalist for change. I talked to my husband about my new found knowledge regaurding emotions. My husband actually said "you're right, I never thought about it that way"...(this is a man who'd rather be hung upside down by his toe nails than converse about relational things)...Since then we all are a bit closer.
God is so faithful. He answers prayer. All things work together for the good of those who love Him.
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Jun. 14, 2008 - Will this night ever end?
I mentioned in my description that I'm a nurse. I choose to work night shift, every weekend, because #1. They pay me very well to do it & #2. It is quiet enough to complete a thought. Even though I have to stay up all night to get a little personal space, it's still effective at helping me refocus. It puts a little space between me and my kids (even though they are asleep) so I miss them. And I so do miss them right now. As I struggle to stay awake and focused on work, I think of my family all in their beds. This time gives me a chance to treasure all that my children are. It helps me to gain perspective into what felt like a catastrophy (when really, fits over which cup the 2 year old's chocolate milk goes in and my 5 year old son's new bagels-are-the-only-thing-I'll-eat phase seem a bit trivial) in reality are opportunities for learning---mine and theirs.
This night...now early morning... has seemed like it would last forever. My goals this week are simlpe yet I coninually struggle in these areas: Make time for God first each day and be in the moment...in every moment.
Look at that, another complete thought.
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Jun. 1, 2008 - New to Me
This is my brand new blog. My first blog, really. My sister-in law told me I needed to write a blog (so here it is, Steph!). I have always wanted to write. Before I wanted to be anything I wanted to be a writer, but I have forgotten that for a long time. I'm a mom, a homeschool teacher and a nurse, but not a writer. There is never enough time to take all the words that swim in my head and put them in print. So here I am...starting a blog. What do I talk about...where do I begin? I'll just see where the words take me.
My blog title is Love to Homeschool. Homeschooling is my calling. Since we made the decision to homeschool I am now keenly aware of how my life's experiences have prepared me for this. I have such a love for learning but no patience for 'school'. I love to read. I really love to read. I treasure my kids and could never imagine handing the job of filling their minds to strangers. I have dealt with public school with my step sons enough to know it's not a place I want to send my energetic boys (zero tolerance...for children...what?). I have been teaching since they were born. We go at their pace (with much encouragement at times....he is a 5 year old boy!). My 5 year old is a bit advanced so we are doing a bit of 1st grade (although I don't really think grade placement is that important). My 3 year old continues to astound (and challenge) me everyday. He learned his letters, seemingly on his own. Now we work on numbers and letter sounds. We all read all the time. I'm reading Charlotte's Web aloud to my 5 year old (and his little brother when he will sit still for more than 2 minutes). And the librarian has been giving me a hard time about the number of books we check out, even though she says there is no limit...hmmm. The whole family has an interest in the Chronicles of Narnia, I suppose prompted by the upcoming movie---for the 13 year old at least. It's great fun to talk about the books on the different levels with the different kids while reading the series for the first time myself. Did I mention I love to read??
So, there is my first blog, an introduction of sorts. There will be more to come. Will anyone read this? I don't think it matters. I love to write. I love words. This is the space my words will occupy for now. Maybe when I grow up I can still be a writer.
