No loving parent, no matter who, where, or when, wants to see their child suffer.  It's just not a good feeling, it is the most painful feeling I've ever felt.  In fact, it may even be hard for you to read this entry because no one even wants to think about it.  It's certainly hard for me to type about it.  Any of the painful things that have happened to me emotionally and physically over the years of my life, were pale in comparison to seeing my child hurting.  Watching your child cry out in pain that you can do nothing about, but attempt to console them with your love, is an experience that a parent never wants to have; it's what nightmares are made of.   So it takes great forcing of the fingers for me to type that yes, the Lord can use even this for the good of us and Him.

The uncomfortably sick feeling of being in the hospital with my son for 15 days, was still, two days later, very fresh in my mind.  So yesterday, with limbs weighing as much as lead, I had to step back through the hospital doors with my son for his checkup appointment.  As I walked past the elevators that I took every day from the first floor to the fifth floor, I felt a steady uprising of nauseousness fall over me.  But, just in the same moment I began to once again glance around at the children whom I knew probably called this hospital their second home, if not their only, I felt ashamed to be feeling the way I was.  Being humble is a every moment reminder at a children's hospital.  I didn't want to be there and all in the same moment knew everyone should visit if just to get a healthy dose of humblehood.  Thank God for this children's hospital, it is also filled with hope admist the fear and pain.  It's one of the most emotionally conflicting places I've ever been.

While being there, it's a bit difficult, ok impossible, to focus on that anything good can come from this experience.  But I do know that God tells us that He will use all things for our good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

And even though I wrestled many nights with my faith, yes, even this soon afterward, I'm starting to see the positive ways it has begun to change me.  Suddenly, I feel as if I'm floating above so many things of this world and peering down as if I'm looking through a bubble; removed from the hustle and bustle and the small things that once bogged my mind with worry and frustration, I can no longer be emotionally a part of such things.  My mind focuses in on one thought over and over..."I got to bring my son home, we are together as a family again."

Perhaps it's because I still remain in a sort of "emotional shock", but really the truth is, it's as if I have been once again taken to a new level, higher than this world, and closer to the eternal one.   Once again my mind glances back to that elevator at the hospital and I think of how, unlike a real elevator, traveling up each level closer to Him can be quite dangerous and painful at times.  It's like that feeling you get when an elevator goes up or down just a little faster than you like, as if your feet and legs might give out every moment of the ride.  Nothing feels for sure anymore.

There are a million, no probably a billion things in our lives that we can become consumed by, worried or stressed about, I'm guilty of worrying about all billion of them in the past.  But suddenly I find myself finding it difficult to think of even one:

 "What will my children wear today, are they presentable?" -"Who really cares, they are warm, and I can hold onto them and tell them how they are greater than the birds and flowers to God."

"Why are my children fighting so much?" - "I get to teach them to make peace (over and over again if needed) and then I can hold onto them and tell them of God's love and forgiveness."

"When will we get back to our school books, we've missed so much?" - "It will come slowly with time, but it won't ever be the same, and I can hold my children today and teach them about God's wisdom and healing hand."

You get the idea...I just can't be the same.  Thank God for that.  We, as human beings, seem to get so wrapped up and overly concerned in daily life responsibilities, that we become entangled amongst the thorns and can't see beyond them.  I suppose whether we like it or not, it takes one "life halting" experience to stop and ride the elevator past the thorns once again to the fresh fragrant roses.

Yet, I'm not at fully at peace, I still feel my wobbly knees and shaky hands, and that huge lump in the back of my throat.  No, those things cannot go away yet, not fully, I suppose not until the elevator door opens to my eternal home.  But I do know that I can find His peace, for now, in the midst of this, He can calm my fearful heart and steady my wobbly legs, and even dissolve that feeling in my throat.

Perhaps, though, I think the biggest lesson that my mind has even begun to wrap around, is this...when I felt the sickening hurt, when I knew my son was in pain and I heard him crying out to me to help him, and I began to think this must be just a glimpse of how God felt when His Son suffered here on this earth.  As I said before it's the most awful feeling I've ever experienced.  Thank you God for your sacrifice, thank you Jesus Christ, without the unthinkable pain you experienced, where would we be?

"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - Romans 8:16-17