There have been so many changes going on in my life. I've settled in the house really well, but I was praying that God would show me what he wants me to do. Before school started back I was really looking at our life and where we were heading, was I doing what God wanted me to do, homeschool, staying at home? Was I really bring my kids up the right way, was I being the best mom I could be, was I "sheltering" them to much, was I just to stay at home and live off gov assistance?

When we first moved into the house one of the assistance programs we are on required me to return to work ( unless I had a dotors note ) so I went and put in applications and did what was required but talked to the doctor about getting a note because of my sons disability and homeschooling. He gladly gave me a letter saying that with everything that had happened he thought it would be in my sons best interest to have his mother home at this time, which was cool, I DID NOT like the idea of some one telling me to find what ever you can get for work NOW. If it was what God wanted fine but I wasn't comfortable with a manditory work request. So God iterveened and I was exqused from the program. This was all back in June.

In July and August I was really asking God what he was doing in my life and what direction he wanted me moving in, I got a answer, I had decided to put my youngest son back in school so that he could get all the extra help he needed for his disabilities and I would HS my older son which would give me more time to get itno the high school stuff with him. I felt ok with this decsion but God was still not done with what he wanted, I recieved a phone call from one of the places I had applied asking me if I wanted a certain position in there company. It was a job I always wanted and if I had to work it would of been my first choice of places, so I went with the iterview and got the job. Now I still was planing to continue HSing my oldest but he would have to step up and take more responsibilities. My son is very smart, but lacks common sense and self motovation, he was also not coffortable with being home alone. So again I prayed for God's wisdom in this matter.

Thru good Godly councel, and revolation from God, I realized that I was getting in the way of God. If I ( and some of you will not agree with me but I answer to God ) would continue to "shelter" my son he would turn into a hermit and not be able to funtion in this world. God showed me that I was always protecting, always shielding him from any hard lessons or anything that would make him uncomfortable ( I tend to be a mother hen  )  so I was enabolling him to be this secluded scared boy not wanting to try anything  or take any chances in life. So I registered him in school, 9th grade, and gave him to God. How could God teach him and guide him if I kept getting in the way, hadn't God taught me and guided me thru all the life lesson I went thru? Yes I made mistakes and had hard times but my faith in God grew and my reliance on him grew.

So for this time in our lives I'm working, my sons have gone back to public schools, and I'm relying on God to take care of us cause I have the ultimate father-husbandman that anyone could ask for, thank you God that you are my Lord!!!!

So ladies I will pop in now and then to update you but for now,

That's life as I know it.

Michelle

WOW! It's been a while, I never realized how much stuff there is to do around this house. We've always lived in trailers and such plus I'm having to do things on my own now and it's taking a little ajustment. I haven't even been on the computer lately, I'm doing good getting everything unpacked and put away ( Oh I still don't have all my curtains up yet, oh well).I'm doing ok, I'm really feeling lonley now, it's takes some getting use to doing things and making decisions on your own. God has blessed me so much thru all of this and I know he's taking care of me. I'll try to get on here later and try to catch up on everyone.

Michelle

That's right, I'm sitting here typing on a pile of boxes, YIPEE!!! I have a lot of unpacking to do but we are in our house. It's so awsome to sit back and watch the hand of God move for us, I am truelly blessed and thankful to my father in Heaven. Will write more later, time to unpack another box.

That's life for today

Michelle

Wow, I want to thank all of you for the many comments I recieved. I truelly felt the encouragments and prayers.

The Lord is so good and takes care of us thru everything we go thru, the kids are doing really good I think with them being home with dad gave them the time to start with the mourning process sooner and to know that dad is pain free now. Me, the first week or so after I was very busy with things and family, after that things slowed down and life still demands you go on. On top of everything we are needing to move. It's amazing how much you depend on your spouse when they take care of the bills and the important desions for the family, I'm getting a crash course on running the family, but here's where God is so good and wants to bless and take care of his children. We had just gotten on section 8 before Rick passed, one blessing, so I've been looking at apartments and houses. But to find something that takes section 8 and pets thats at least half ways decent ( not a dump or bad neighborhood) is not a easy task. I did start to struggle with depression and unworthyness to the point of excepting a apartment that I could make due with and here's where God is so good to us and wants to provide blessings for us.

A week ago I was driving around and asking God to show me the place he wants for me. As I was heading to look at a apartment I took a side road thru the country (my hearts desire) and bam there was a house with a for rent sign in the window, first thing out of my mouth was " Thank you Lord". I called and set up a showing, the lady was very nice and the house was beautiful ( my thinking to beautiful for me) but she wasn't to confortable with the section 8. I was sopposed to bring back the aplication the next night but I just blew it off. I continued looking at places, but all along I kept thinking maybe I should have tried with the house, maybe I just missed God's blessing for us. So here I was, getting depressed and discouraged to the point of just taking what I could get. I accepted a apartment in " not the better" part of town and I had a couple of days till I would sign papers. I had looked at another house that would of been good, but here again she never dealt with the sec. 8, I was hoping she would call me back. I went to church wed. night and pastor was teaching on the rest of God and faith ( boy doesn't God know us or what) so of course I repented and ask God to give me strength to believe in his best and  that he is in control. I came home and my FIL ( he has lived with us to help out ) said the lady called about the house, I'm like ok I'll call her back, got the number and saw it wasn't the house I was waiting on but the first house God showed me!!!!!!

WOW, she wanted me in her house, satan has even thrown in a wrench with the price of rent and me qualifing for it but this lady is even working with that. I'm waiting on the final say with housing but if God wants me in there nobody's going to change it!!!!!!! I am so honored to serve our God, even when we don't think we deserve the best he does!

a very humbled and greatfull

Michelle

Tuesday, april 11 at 5:30pm I sat with my husband as he took his last breath. He was peaceful, surounded by his father, sister and brother.

Of course I mourn but I also rejoice because he isn't suffering anymore and he is with the father in heaven.

I feel like I've had a ton of wieght lifted off of my shoulders, it has been a long demanding illness, of which I totally comitted myself. I wouldn't of changed anything excecpt having my husband healthy and happy.

As I look back and see the strength God has given me and that strength that the kids have seen and learned to trust God themselves.

I thank God for the time he's given me with Rick and the friendship we had. I will miss him dearly.

Thank you all for your many encouraging words and prayers.

Michelle

Thank you ladies so much for the encouragements and prayers. Talking with our hospice nurse tues. she feels he's going down hill weekly, so I probably have very little time with him left. I do rejoice that he is a christian and we will see him again. I overheard him talking with our youngest the other day( DS is 11 and has mild metal retardation, he is very vocal about his grief which is good but still doesn't understand it all) DS was exspressing his grief to dad and hubby very gently told him he was going to heaven and he would be there when DS goes to heaven. I haven't talked with DS about this but I think it really comforted him.

On top of everything we're dealing with I finally recieved our housing voucher, now we are looking for a new place to live ( the land where we're renting is being sold so we have to move ) that in itself isn't bad but try to find someplace safe and halfway decent that takes housing vouchers plus we have 2 dogs. I did talk with a lady from a housing authority telling her what we're looking for, she said it will be hard with dogs, I lost it for a bit and told her that the kids are loosing their father and I didn't want them to loose their dogs too. She was so nice and immediatly called around to find us something, I'm going to go look at a place tuesday.

I did have to to repent, I started to get very anious and keyed up with the thaught of finding a place, I started calling and even drove to a place that was listed on line, Oh it was beautiful within our allowed price and I thaught was perfect. I called but the person was very picky and wouldn't allow dogs. So I started to stress. I did stop myself and said wait, hadn't you given this whole thing to God, what are you doing!! So on my knees (so to speak) I went and ask God to forgive me and again give him the control of guiding me to the right place.

So that's where I am, humbled again by how good my father in heaven is and how much he cares for me and mine. I'll keep you all informed, if I'm off for a while I'm probably moving, LOL.

In him, Michy

I'm so tired, yesterday was a breaking point, I called the cremation sociaty to ask some questions and get info of what I need to do to make arrangments for my husband now before anything happens. Can't someone else do this for a while? I cry out to God and I know he hears me but I don't feel him right now. Delirium has set in on my husband, he's so restless and talking to people that aren't there, I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!!! The respite started today, that's when someone comes and sits with hubby so I can get out of the house, I had 4 hours today so boys and I went to burger King and Walmarts. I spent to much money and feel exhausted. I evenfeel guilty about leaving him, which I do know is a natural feeling, but it doesn't make it easier. I don't think he's going to be with us much longer, I'm trying to spend more time with him but I have so much to get done before it happens and just life that needs to be dealt with. I just want to go to sleep and sleep for the next couple of months.I know this is just part of the grieving procces but I could really do without it. This is just a rambling rant for me to get it off my chest.

Today as I sat talking with one of my hubbies nurses ( he has two that come twice a week ) we were discussing the kids seeing and being involed with the end of life issue for my husband, as a protective mother I worry about them seeing so much of his decline and my lack of "book" learning, she reassured me that they still are learning and this time is very important for them. We talked about being present at the end for hubby as well as for us, our family time to comfort and say goodbye until we meet in heaven. That it is actually a gift, I'm still trying to figure that one out LOL, but I guess it is to share in someones passing. I will be sad and partailly lost but relieved that his suffering will be over.......

On a lighter note, I am very proud of my DD (17 and all that that entails, LOL) she's been working at the same place for almost a year now, her first real job (fast food) and I see very good take charge character in her and have gotten nothing but compliments about her and her work. Hey why doesn't she do that at home????? I see her doing more in management and training.

I'm so amazed that my oldest son, who loves to write,draw, make comics, create anything from nothing, is mentally blocked and procastinating when it comes to doing a simple story writing assignment for school. LOL. I know it's just because he has to do it thats making it so hard but good grief he can spend 3 hrs. typing away at the pc on a story but give a simple assignment and he freezes. Too funny.

Thats about it for today except  our cat is sitting at the table getting a drink from the gold fish bowl, she never messes with the fish just stops in for a drink, no wonder the water goes down so fast.    

Wow, first we lost internet service for a couple of weeks then I've just been so busy with hubby and kids I've neglected to update on here. School has been going slowly here, my two oldest can and do ( with prodding from mom) theirs independantly for me. The youngest, he is about 4 yrs. behind mentally than those his own age, is the one I'm having a hard time sitting down with. I know I have more time with him and I don't have him doing as much as the older ones. I feel guilty about not doing more with the kids right now but their father is not going to be here much longer and I feel he is my priority right now. There are probably those who would disagree with me on this but one of the great things about HSing is the flexability, what I don't do now will be an added distraction for me after my DH does pass and not sit around getting depressed.

I'll see ya soon

Here it is Wednesday and I haven't been on here, I think I have a touch of the depresion bug. I've been super moody and snappy with the kids and hubby. I haven't done a blame thing for school, housework is just what has to be done. What happened, I was doing so good, I'm no supermom but I was doing pretty good. Maybe the next couple of days will be better.

I love to look out and watch the snow fall, watch as everything gets that fresh new coating of white, this is one of the most beautiful things about winter. Of course, when you let the dog out and she proceeds to get tangled around a tree or you think ah this is almost over and go shovel the drive only to come back in and in a hours time you can't tell were you shoveled, there are those moments.

I have spent my time the last few days just hitting the "random blog" at the top of the page, I love to sit and read about peoples lives, there good times and bad. I'm not one to comment alot but I love to peek. LOL.  I found the homsteadblogger site and just love reading about their daily life, this truely is one of my hearts dream to have a little semi-selfsuffiecent farm. For now tho I just enjoy learning all I can about it. If I never get it here on earth maybe God's getting it ready for me in heaven.

So as I sit here on the computer  getting nothing done watching the snow fall and peeking into the lives of others, I'll do some dreaming .

What does living 40 years mean? Wow! Has it been that long, where has the time gone? I woke up this morning feeling the same, maybe a few more gray hairs and aches, but I don't feel much different than when I was 30.

So as I look back over the last 40 years I have a few things I wish I would have done differently, nothing major, but a few things.

1. I wish I would have spent more time with my mom before she passed away, there's so much I would ask her about.

2. I would have started homeschooling from the very beginning, like I wanted to but didn't think I could.

There's probably a million other little things I would have changed but it's no use looking back, you can't change anything just learn from them.

I can see a lot of hard times in my life, some were by our own design some were just circumstances but I see God's hand of pertection and pervision thru out. He has blessed me with a wonderful husband, three great kids, and a LOT of lessons, some I'm still trying to learn haha, thank you Lord for everything in the past 40 years.

The next 40, God willing, is up in the air. Right now my life is on hold because of my husband and his illness. But if I could dream I still want my little farm.

Well that's life as I know it, for today anyway. 

I started this mainly for a place to put my feelings down on paper. I hope to share what's going on in my life, my kids, husband, and home. I've been homeshooling for a little over 2 years and God has blessed me with so much in school material and a great homeschooling friend (which I will have on here as a friend link as soon as I figure out how) she has shared so much insight and resources with me I don't know how to repay her except to pray God would bless her beyond her wildest dreams, she's such a great friend to me more than she will ever know!!!!

I have 3 children, Cass 17 who is my socail butterfly/ miss attitude. She just started HSing this year, boy was I scared 11th grade but it's going pretty good, she was a " your never going to homeschool me" child but she's so tired of the drama and junk in school she asked to be HSed. I also need her here to help me with the boys so I can care for my husband when I need to( more about him later).

Bryan 15, a school phyciatrist said he was like a old porfessor he had at college, he was an exstremly inteligent man but someone had to go get him and bring him to class because he would space and forget what he was doing and where he should be, no common sense, thats Bry you can tell him what he needs to do and 2 minutes later he's like what did you say so lots of lists for him. You can give him a bag full of junk and he would create some awesome stuff.

Last is Dalton 11, this passed summer he was tested and we found out he has mild mental retardation ( he is funtioning at a 7 yr. old level ). He is my lovey dovey kid, loves people and wants to please.

I'm mostly using AO lifepacs with the two oldest, and AO math with basic phonics and sight word work with Dalton. I like the structure of AO but I also throw in other stuff when needed.

I've been married to my dear husband for 17 years. We've had our rough times but mostly we've spent everyday together. In 2001 he was diagnosed with COPD, a group of lung diseases, and he has declined in health since then. He's 39 years old and now has 6 months or less to live, I don't have much to say right know about this I'm still trying to deal. I do know that my dear father in heavens peace, love, and strength is the only thing that gets me thru my day.

So for today that's life as I know it.