The past two days have been crazy busy. The whirlwind sometimes seems to blow through our lives that way and I'm still not practiced at averting the kinds of situations that add up to feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
On Tuesday, the kids were exhuding nervous energy all over the place as they talk about and eagerly anticipated the chance to dress up in costumes for Youth. At the same time, our door-repair people finally showed up to fix the door and actually removed it and took it to their shop. So, for about five hours the arctic-like air breezed merrily through the middle floor of our house. We shut doors and worked in areas that could be heated by the gas fireplace. On the way out with the door, the guys bumped the wall and knocked a chunk of paint out. I didn't feel pleased. Meanwhile, both my on-line girls were struggling with challenges that their not-so-helpful English teacher presented them. They were both quite anxious and looking for direction which I felt too impatient to try and figure out. In the evening, my husband arrived home early and we all ate dinner standing at the counter so we could, literally, head in opposite directions for the evening. I was very very glad to climb into bed when I got home at 10:30.
On Wednesday, I spent the majority of my day out and about. The girls had to be at the church for 9:00. Then, one of them had to be picked up at 11:00 while the other two babysat extra long at the church. I didn't get them home until 3:00. Less than an hour later we were back on the road to go to sewing and dance classes. By the time we returned home at 6:15 I had to race to make supper and we didn't sit down to eat until after 7:00. Alas, not much was accomplished in the way of bookwork. These are the kinds of days that you revert to survival mode.
Thankfully, today -so far- has been much calmer. I appreciate that we're all focussed on work. There is much less chatter. Projects seem to be progressing and nobody is upset. I'm hearing positive comments and we're flying through the seatwork. Isn't it strange how one day can be so much different than the next?
This word might conjure up images of large groups of people getting together in a mountain resort for some focussed time on God. For women, this kind of retreat might signal time away for the relentless onslaught of chores and demands that come from raising a family. For some this word can draw to mind a place of silence and solitude that allows them the opportunity to soak in the presence of God.
Retreat for this past couple of months for me has meant permitting myself to pull out of the mainstream and find rest at home. Resting, however, doesn't mean that God is doing nothing in my life right now. The opposite is true. In the stillness of my evenings I am finding more opportunities to connect with God and to answer the questions that He's been stirring up from the shadowy places in my heart. This is often very painful and, without a doubt, an incredibly exhausting process. I am also trying to learn how to rest - to sit and do absolutely nothing (and not feel guilty about it!).
At first when God indicated that this was the direction He wanted me to take this fall, I was heartbroken. I didn't want to step out of the group I was journeying with to spend time on a isolated path. I still have this internal struggle everyday as I keep being reminded by my Heavenly Father that this is a time of healing and restoration, even though it often feels like punishment.
Today while the rest of my family has gone to church, I am seeking sanctuary with God on my own at home. I struggle with knowing what to do with the long, empty, void of time. While I recognize that this time could be a gift, I feel like it's a gift that I'm not sure what to do with. Remember getting those kinds of things at your wedding showers? The ones that you said, "Uh...thanks" to but didn't have a clue what they were for?
I could choose to get busy with chores that are always begging for attention. That's always been my pattern in the past. Or, I could put on some music and escape into beautiful sound. Sometimes I do that because it's good for the soul. Or, I could quickly post a blog-entry and then move into what I've been thinking about since last night - journaling time and the chance to listen to God.
This is how I intend to spend the next couple of hours. Everything else can wait. God is inviting me into his presence and I'm impatient to get there. While I value church, I realized this morning that I don't need to carry guilt about not being there right now. This phase of my journey won't last forever and after all these years I'm finally learning how to take care of myself.
"I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. " ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like this quote. It reminds me of the verse posted by my profile from Hebrews 12. We must persevere in this race because our journey really matters in some obscure kingdom-related way. We don't know the impact that our small story has on the people around us. But, we need to believe that our life matters. And the truth is that it does matter. Otherwise we wouldn't be here, at this place, at this time.
Throughout Frodo's journey he hung onto the truth that what he was doing mattered. That carrying the ring through the midst of evil for the purpose of destroying it was a mighty-big and important task. Although sometimes he needed Sam to remind him of this. It's easy to lose perspective when we're weary and hungry and scared.
I guess I need to stop and ask myself the question, "What am I holding on to that gives my life purpose?"
It's easier to do things alone. You have a vision in your head and you make it happen. Nobody puts their impression on it. Its your creation and you can feel proud when it works out.
It's easier to do things alone. You don't have to negotiate and discuss the details. In fact you don't have to talk at all.
It's easier to do things alone. You don't have to check that its been done "properly". You don't have to call someone back to the task or coax them to do a better job.
It's easier to do things alone. You summon up your strength and lift the burden and put it on your shoulders and go in the direction that you want to go.
It's easier to do things alone. At least...until the burden starts to feel heavy. But, you keep taking on more and more stuff even though you begin to feel unsteady beneath the weight. And, because you've never asked for help in the past, nobody even thinks that you might be struggling to stay on your feet. You won't admit that you're feeling overwhelmed so you say "Yes" to one more item being added to your pile. And suddenly...you collapse beneath it. And, you begin to realize...
It's not easier to do things alone. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's lonely. And, when you stumble and fall, there's no one around to pick you up and brush you off and set you on your way again.
Those of us who are Canadian are celebrating Thanksgiving today. Happy Thanksgiving! Our's will be a quiet day as family will not be gathering this year. I feel a little sad but also relieved that the meal can be a simple one. We're roasting some chicken breasts and adding in all the fixings. We'll top the meal off with a pumpkin pie, but alas...some in my family have requested "worms and dirt" - not exactly true Thanksgiving fare.
Do I honor His reputation as a holy God by living a holy life? Or do I smear His reputation by engaging in inappropriate jokes and conversation, lingering on lustful thoughts, watching TV and literature that would not measure up to His standard?
Do I honor His reputation as a forgiving God by forgiving those who hurt me? Or do I cast a shadow on His forgiving nature by holding a grudge and wishing for revenge?
Do I reinforce His reputation as a generous God by giving generously to others? Or do I cause others to doubt His generosity by withholding from them for selfish reasons?
Do I honor His reputation as a God who can do the impossible by obeying Him when He nudges me to do what seems beyond human logic? Or do I, through fear and disobedience, cause others to think He’s limited in size and power?"
(I borrowed this quote from my friend's site over at http://www.gracefox.com/blog/. Be sure to check out this article entitled "God's Reputation" posted on October 2nd, and other words of wisdom from Grace.)
The two older girls are away for a couple of days enjoying field trips with the Grad class. They are staying over with friends in Surrey because of the late nights and early mornings but also to get in a little socializing time. Anything for that, right Sarah?
Being home with the two youngers is easy when compared to my normal workload. And, it's Monday, our quiet-at-home day. Yet somehow... we're still lagging behind in our daily work. That's my fault! I chose to not take time on the weekend to plan ahead but instead had the kids sit down with me this morning and we walked together through the assignments for the week. (This wouldn't work when the older girls are home as the downstairs area by the computer has become a talk-free zone.)
Tonight we're taking our smaller family out for Chinese food as a nice end to Mady's social studies unit about Ancient China. However, I'm sure they'll want sweet and sour which is really a westernized version of this ethnic food. Still, I'll throw in a little Chinese vegetables, gai lan, and some hot pot and we've got the makings of a good cultural experience. Either way I'm thrilled because I get the night off from cooking. Yeah!
I take a quiet day to draw away from the things that I should do, the things that I usually do, to sit still and immerse myself in the silence of an empty house. The weather is glorious - a quintessential autumn day. The skies are so blue I could be tricked into thinking that it's summer until I open the window and allow the crisp brisk wind to blow in and around me. I watch as the trees duck and sway, their leaves clashing together with a sound like cascading water. And, I breathe deeply, wanting absorb this moment to the fullest.
As many of you know, I had a very challenging summer. Lots of conflicts to step up and into. In the midst of those I was seeking direction about the fall and what activities God was asking me to join Him in. The signs were confusing and I spend lots of time in prayer. I didn't think that I was anxious about the final outcome but fast forward to the end of August...
All the plans that I had held close to my heart all summer had fallen apart - my ladies Bible Study class being the dearest of those I wanted to hang onto. As I did some prayerful listening with friends who's counsel I trust, I heard the question "What if you don't teach this fall?" That wasn't at ALL what I was expecting to hear. Yet God asked me this question on three different occasions. I believe that was His gentle way of telling me that He wanted me to switch gears.
So...apart from my home and homeschooling I'm involved in nothing this year. And, that is really hard. A very difficult phase for me to journey. I feel washed up. Put in a corner. Not useful. And, as though I have very little purpose. God has been asking me questions about my identity, where it comes from, what it's attached to. And, I've also been looking at where I've looked for rest or comfort in the past. I am not yet able to say with confidence like the Psalmist, "My soul finds rest in God alone."
While I wrestle with these thoughts, I also recognize from my current health that I need this slowing down time. My relationship with rest is very much love/hate. I love that I'm not stressed out by too many activities crammed into too few hours, but I dislike this very obvious sign of weakness. I also dislike the low-grade headache that creeps in toward lunch time and stays throughout the day, the need for much sleep, and my inability to handle anything that has a hint of stress attached to it.
So...in this waiting season - waiting to recover, and waiting to see what God wants to do in me - I have to learn to quiet the inner child that wants to have a tantrum and return to the whirl of life. I've been drawn aside for a reason and I must be content to stay here until He otherwise directs.
Our school days are long. Regardless of how I trim down assignments, we still seem to be working well into the evening. The older girls could easily be working into the wee hours of the morning but I've limited late nights to 11:00.
Each day begins around 9:00 as we pull out the English books and begin plodding through a variety of Language Arts activities. Math comes second, with Mady traipsing downstairs to her on-line course while William and I hover over his books in the dining room. Before lunch we try and squeeze in the beginning of a Science or Socials lesson but those always run after lunch as well. Lunch break is always well anticipated. I'm so glad that I spent time in the summer planning healthy and more exciting menus.
In the afternoon, novel studies and novel reading take up huge chunks of time as the kids read and then discuss what they've absorbed. Then, William and Mady spend time practicing their piano pieces and getting enough physical activity to fill their weekly logs. Variety is the key in the PE domain. In the afternoons we also work on essays or projects, longer assignments that are vital when I'm trying to collect grades for report cards. Extra-curricular activities fill in the hours before dinner several days in the week, so I always need to have planned ahead. With Youth starting up at 7:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays we don't have much to waste in between.
Besides core subjects the kids also have morning devotions, art, daily chores, and health-and-career-education topics to cover weekly. Both are studying Spanish as their second language and I try and complete a few hours of that each week too. Sometimes with the sheer diversity and volume, one subject inevitably gets overlooked. I try and keep a system running so that I'm not leaving huge learning gaps anywhere.
Thankfully this year I do have some "free" evenings. I am enjoying this novelty. I'm learning that simply staying at home is one of the best ways to get rest. (Really! That's quite the revelation for me!) I enjoy pulling my hair into a ponytail and schlepping around in comfortable clothes. I feel very relieved that I no longer have to try drawing from an empty well and that evenings are becoming a time to wind down. I enjoy soaking in a hot tub and climbing into bed by 9:30 . Oh, the bliss of having time to escape into a good book before sleeping!
On the weekends I spent many hours planning for the week ahead . Whether marking papers, creating assignments, or filling in logs, I always have something that needs to be organized. I am attempting to get all these jobs finished in one day so that I have a 'sabbath' day to enjoy doing nothing. This is always a work in process as life has a way of tossing in the unexpecteds.