I have set here in front of my computer screen for a long time, trying to find a suitable title for this entry and then trying to organize my jumbled thoughts to get them recorded.  I'm not even entirely certain that I won't just hit the 'delete' button once I'm done, rather than sending my thoughts out into cyber-space.

As my blog information states, I am a homeschool mom of 4, ranging in age from 1 1/2 to 9.  We are also expecting a 5th child, due in about a month.  Since my husband works 12-hour night shifts, homeschooling has been a real blessing for us, allowing our children to spend more time with him than they would if they attended school somewhere outside of our home.

In addition to the time that my husband spends at his job, he has also taken on the workload at our church as part-time music director, and has decided to stage an Easter cantata, including drama etc.  The hours that he spends doing all of the preparing & rehearsing for this are volunteer hours for which he is not paid, and additional time that he is not with us at home.  I know that he greatly enjoys the music work that he is doing at our church (which is also an answer to a specific prayer of mine), and I believe that God is really going to use it as a means of spiritual growth in his life.  However with his job & church responsibilities, he is only home 1 night a week (which happens to be the 1 night that I get out for my sanity-saving Bible study that I take my 2 oldest daughters to).

In my mind, I know that part of God's design in allowing this set of circumstances is for me to learn to rely on His strength, put my faith & trust more fully in Him etc.  However, I still end up regularly feeling defeated, exhausted, and overwhelmed.  I want to be a good testimony to others of the great blessing a full quiver is, but too often end up short-tempered and having a home that looks like a tornado blew through.

I've tried many organizing programs, including FlyLady, but always seem to end up back in the same mess, beating myself up again because I can't keep an immaculate home, parent my children nearly single-handedly, homeschool etc.  I know that there are women that have way more children than we do and manage to handle all of the above along with other responsibilities such as a home business etc... so I'm not sure what my problem is.  I guess it's just a lack of discipline on my part.

As I stated in the title of this entry, I'm  not trying to start a pity party for myself. I know that there are countless people in more difficult and trying situations than this.  I guess my lonely heart just need to have a place to express itself.  If you've read this far, thanks for listening.

Dear Lord,

My heart cries out to know Your presence in a more tangible way.  You are my source of strength, my source of hope, and my firm foundation. As you revealed yourself to Hagar in the desert, You are the God who sees me, too.  No matter how lonely I might feel, I know that You never leave me nor forsake me.  I know that that it is in my weakness that I experience the fullness of your grace.  It's for more of this grace that I now cry out.  Thank you God, for always hearing us when we cry out to You.